Daughter Wants to Move in with Boyfriends Parents

Updated on April 27, 2019
L.A. asks from Sun City, AZ
16 answers

My 25 y/o daughter renting her own place wants to move in with her 28y/o boyfriend and his parents to save money to buy a house together. seems like she is taking a step backwards. She was raised with morals and values.

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E.A.

answers from Erie on

Welp. I can see why they're moving in with *his* parents.
Looks like you have some soul searching to do.

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C.S.

answers from Miami on

No one here has said this but there can be major legal problems when unmarried people buy property together and then break up. Here is an article to explain this:
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/buying-a-house-unmarried-c...

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E.B.

answers from Denver on

It can be hard when our adult children take a path that we may not have wanted for them.

But, they're adults.

I'm guessing that you object to your daughter living with a man without being married.

But you haven't told us anything except that she rents a place now, and plans to move in with her boyfriend. On that front, your job as a mom is done. She's free to live where she wants.

Ask yourself a few questions about your daughter, and be objective. Is she working? Is she free from drugs and addictive substances? Is her boyfriend kind to her? Is he employed and does he have a plan for his future (sounds like it - home ownership requires good credit and the ability to pay a mortgage and secure a loan)? Does your daughter have good friends? Does she surround herself with positive people and healthy activities? Is she responsible with her finances?

Now, if she's drunk all the time and losing her job and if her boyfriend mooches off his parents and lives in their basement and spends his days playing video games, and if she has no friends, then that seems like a step backwards. But still, she's an adult and all you can do is stay available to her in the event that she wants to talk to you or ask for advice. Take her out for an occasional cup of coffee and just listen to her or talk about what Grandma is up to, or how Aunt Edna is going to take that trip that she's been wanting to forever.

If you can answer yes to the first group of questions, then it sounds like her morals and values are intact, even if living together outside of marriage goes against your religious teachings or your traditions. Be thankful.

But in either case, don't shun her. Don't ostracize her. Keep the lines of communication open. If she shares that she and her boyfriend are thinking of buying a house in a particular neighborhood or town, be positive. Tell her you've got some nice dishes or something that she can have when they get their house. Don't try pleading about morals and values, or the things she learned in church when she was little. Let your own morals and values guide the way you speak to her: with kindness, respect, love, and peacefully.

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D.B.

answers from Boston on

It's hard when our adult kids don't do things they way we did, or the way we wish they would.

I'm not sure how this is a step backwards. Do you mean that she is living with older adults (parents)? Maybe so, but perhaps she has figured out that it's virtually impossible to save money in this economy. Housing and health care costs are way up, and wages have not kept up. I don't know if she has a high school degree, but if she does, she's probably making close to minimum wage. There is no state in the US in which someone making minimum wage can afford a 2 bedroom apartment, let alone a house. I think that's terrible, but gone are the days in which someone could work their way into the middle class as my parents did. If she has a college or masters degree, she probably has massive student debt, so she's in the same economic position despite her education.

I don't understand what you mean about "morals and values." Are you saying that women don't live with men until they are married? That ship has sailed as well.

Another way to look at it is that she is making a commitment, she's found a good man, and she's moving forward (not backwards) by seriously analyzing her finances and making a major change to get ahead. I think that's a good thing.

Where is she living now? On her own? Then it's a big sacrifice for her to move in with anyone's parents. So she's motivated to improve her financial situation, which is good. Or is she living with you? If so, is it possible that you are too strict, and that she considers you to be so critical of her choices that she'd rather live with other people who are more accepting? You don't have to change your views, but it would probably help if you realized that your parenting is done, and you raised her to make her own choices. That's what she's doing.

My feeling is, if you reject her choices and fail to support her emotionally, she may turn away from you and exclude you more from her life. Is that what you want? Can you possibly accept her as an industrious and mature person who has every right to make her own choices. Is this worth losing her just to adhere to your viewpoint, a viewpoint she clearly does not share?

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C.T.

answers from Santa Fe on

I believe it's wrong of you to be judgemental of her. She and her boyfriend want to save up to buy a house and they have a plan. My husband and I lived together before we got married and it is a lot easier to save money when you are not paying for two rents every month. My advice is to not judge her but to wish her the best. Get to know her boyfriend as a person. Get to know his parents and be on friendly terms if you can. Get to know their dreams for the future and be on their side and wish them well. As for my husband and I -- we have been married 20 years and we have 2 great kids and our relationship is very strong. If my mom had judged me and thought such negative things about me it would be hard to trust her in the future. Good luck.

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T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

What is your question?
Seems to me like saving money to buy a home reflects maturity and responsibility, are those "morals and values" not important to you?

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N.K.

answers from Miami on

She is 25, is living on her own, AND supporting herself... what makes you think you have any say or input as to what she does with her life anymore? Sounds like a reasonable move to save money if she can combine her income with his and they can buy a house with the money saved, by living with his parents. I'd be happy if my kid at that age is thinking about buying a house with her stable partner, rather than trying to move back in with me or partying and acting stupid like most people that age. Plus, the fact that her boyfriend's family is so welcoming and is willing to allow her to live with them says that they are pretty serious about this relationship and its future, and they like her enough to welcome her as part of their family. She sounds mature and responsible, as does he. Congratulate them when they're able to buy their first house together!

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M.G.

answers from Portland on

I'm not sure what your question is.

taking a step backwards in what way?

Sounds like she/they have a plan - they are saving to buy a house together. It may not be your plan. I'm guessing you wanted her to either

a) save and buy her own home as a single woman first then marry and sell/buy a home together with spouse

or

b) get engaged/married first then save for home together and buy home

It didn't work out that way.

I don't know what you're objecting to - her living with a man before being married? I did. I was raised with morals and values. I don't quite get what your issue is. We got married. I still have morals and values.

Maybe add some more details.

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L.U.

answers from Seattle on

She has her own morals and values. You get to chose if you love your daughter, even if she's doing things that you believe are immoral.
Sounds pretty smart to me to save money to buy a house. Sounds dumb to do it with someone that hasn't made a commitment to you.
But that's not my business....just be there for her, love her, support her.

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M.P.

answers from Portland on

She was raised with your morals and values. She is now an adult. Adults choose their morals and values. I hope your love is unconditional and able to accept her choices.

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C.N.

answers from Baton Rouge on

She is grown. She can live anywhere she wants, have sex with any consenting adult she wants.

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S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

saving money to buy a house sounds like a great idea for this ADULT daughter of yours.

what is backwards about it?

what is immoral about moving in with her boyfriend's FAMILY and saving money? or are you laboring under the misapprehension that if they're not living together they're not having <gasp> The Secks?

my son moved in with his girlfriend's parents when they were both going to college and the commute from our place was too far. they liked him so much that even when the kids broke up they offered to let him keep living there.

and did you have a question?

khairete
S.

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W.W.

answers from Washington DC on

welcome to mamapedia, L.!

She's an adult. She's renting and wants to own. She's doing something to save money and get where she wants to be.

Suggest to her that she and the boyfriend make a plan and commitment and also figure out how to share in the savings and what their goal is. They should keep it all in writing and ensure that it's accounted for should they break up prior to buying a house or marrying....

Her moving with a guy doesn't mean she doesn't have morals and values. She's 25. Not 15. Give her some credit.

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B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

She's an adult.
If boyfriends parents will allow her to move in then she will.
Guess they's rather have 28 yr old son living at home rather than living with your daughter in her apartment.
Living in someone elses house with someone elses rules will not be easy especially after her taste of freedom of living on her own.
I think most people are raised with morals and values but lets face it - it's not likely she's a virgin.
Saving to buy a house is all good and well but it's interesting that they are talking about house buying before talking about marriage.
To my way of thinking that's doing things a bit backwards but there's more than one way to do things.
If she asks you for advice then offer your opinion gently.
Otherwise say nothing.
It's probably best if you just let this go and try not to think about it.

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D..

answers from Miami on

You had better button your lips and say nothing about her choice, or you will lose your relationship with your daughter. She will cling to her new family because they want her there and show her acceptance and treat her like an adult.

You don’t get to shove your morality down her throat. She is no longer a child.

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M.M.

answers from Dallas on

She's 25. She's an adult. Cut the apron strings. If she fails, it is her failure. Always offer a soft place to land if she needs it. All you can do now, is just love her...

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