My 6.5 year old daughter is becoming very sassy. We are at a loss! Its like she doesnt care that her words hurt people.. or her attitude. She is especially sassy towards my fiance. She can be so sweet, but this sassy attitude is getting really old. Its also frustrating that she is very respectful to her dad because he is scary. We lay down the law and she gets timeouts and punishments for her behavior.. we are not push overs there. Its just that we dont know what to do with the constant sassiness. We usually tell her to repeat herself until she says it nicely.. but it doesnt seem to help in the long run.
Any ideas on how this can be nipped in the bud?
There was lots of good advice, thanks!! One thing I shouldve mentioned is that my fiance and I have been together quite a long time and its all she remembers. Her father and I seperated when she was 1.. so my FH and I are, basically, her original family unit. I still think she is experiencing jealousy with the wedding coming up and she doesnt like that my last name will be different from hers..
We are going to make her write lines whenever she is sassy. If she says something sassy, she has to say it correctly, apologize, and then write 2 lines. She HATES writing lines. She loves timeouts :P So we hope the lines will help..
I also want to reward her good behavior more.. like a chart with stickers each time she is nice/good and it deserves to be mentioned. I dont think Ill actually GIVE her anything from the chart being filled, because she has to act nice anyway, you shouldnt be rewarded for that, but at least she can see how happy it makes us..
For the person who said to talk calmly and walk away, thats such good advice. I KNOW that but it is SO hard to do! I need to bite my tongue, count to 10, and THINK.. You get so confused and flustered from their behavior you react and forget to think. Supernanny says this, dont react!
As far as I know, things are fine at school. But Ill check :D
Thanks a lot!
It looks like you got a lot of great advice. I just wanted you to take a look at her relationship with her father. You mentioned that he is scary. Could there be something going on there that she could be acting out because of.
M. C (I watch too much Oprah and am haunted by the last predator show)
I know I'm late, but a couple ideas. Water the roses, pull the weeds, and ignore all the other undesirable plants that you are able. In other words, notice all desirable behavior, not just the super-good stuff. Immediately stop (and discipline if necessary) what you decide is unacceptable (hitting, calling ugly names, outright defiance). Then ignore all the stuff that you really wish they wouldn't do, but isn't really punishment worthy. Example: you tell your daughter to go brush her teeth...she grumbles all the way, stomping, etc., but does actually go and brush her teeth. You ignore the grumble & stomp part because she did comply. The idea is the more okay, good, and really awesome stuff you notice, and the resulting attention from you and fiance, will begin to outweigh the punishment, or the complete lack of attention on the not-so-nice stuff. Not a short term fix, but over time, the results can be amazing. Good luck!
Dear M.,
On face value, it sounds as if your daughter is attempting to put back together her original family unit.
I separated from my kids father when my children were between 3 and 6. The child of mine who acted act the most was my 3 year old son. He later told me (at age eight) that he felt it was his fault that his dad and I separated.
Oh my! Who would have thought?! In a child's mind, all he/she thinks of is wanting his/her mom and dad in the same house, happy and together. He was always about teh business of either attempting to put us back together or acting out that we weren't.
I don't have a solution for you outside of what I did myself which is to pray. I happen to be a Christian, so I simply asked the Lord what to do.
He will give you ideas, too, if you will but ask. Every situation is unique; the Lord knows what is best for your daughter and how to get through to her in a way she will respond.
Hope this helps!
Blessings!
J.
Hi, M. -- I'm doing the math here - You mention that she is six and a half but say she's in kindergarten. That would make her a good bit older than most other kindergarteners, if I have that right. Was she held back on purpose for a reason? She might be frustrated with being the oldest and biggest kid in her class and showing you that she can get her way. She might also be, as the other poster rightly said, adjusting to the newness of kindergarten and acting out to get attention.
It draws negative attention from you and her dad and your fiance, BUT negative attention is still attention-- and kids often don't care if it's negative (discipline, time outs etc.) as long as they're getting some form of attention.
Perhaps more importantly, not only is there the new world of kindergarten for her to navigate but remember: Her mom is engaged. That means she will not be getting her old mom-and-dad life back, and things will change yet again for her. It's great for you but see it from her perspective -- possibly she is "especially sassy," as you say, towards your fiance because she is understandably jealous of him. You can't blame her if she is, no matter how great a guy he is. To her, he's spending time with you she may want for herself, or maybe she sees him as trying to replace her dad. She's more aware than you may know that the grown-ups are changing her world for her and she has no control at all over that. This does not justify her behavior! But it can help explain it.
Make extra time for her. Spend time alone with her without your fiance. Catch her being good and praise her a lot even if you feel like you're praising her for things she should just do anyway at her age (like just being polite all day). Reassure her that she is still important and isn't being replaced. Get her dad to be less "scary" if you can and more reassuring that he too will be in her life.
Of course you can't let the sassy events go unnoticed -- she does need to have consequences but ones that happen immediately and mean something to her. Rather than time outs try taking away something that matters to her like TV time or a favorite toy etc., and announce/do it the moment she is sassy, but stay calm, calm, calm, not raising your voice etc. She back-talks, then she gets, "Because you said XX in a way you know is completely unacceptable, you have lost your XX until day after tomorrow. You made the choice to do XX and this is the consequence." No negotiations but no yelling either. Walk away. Combining swift but calm responses with more attention and more praise could help her through what may be tougher times for her than she's letting on. Good luck.
I love this book: Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours. By Dr. Kevin Leman. It is wonderful and has made all the difference in the world in our house. He teaches how reward and punishment doesn't work. He shows how to use reality discipline. We have put it to the test in our home and it truly works.
Email me and I'll share more with you if you'd like.
____@____.com
Keep up the good work mom!
Take Care,
N. :) SAHM homeschooling 3 boys 12, 8 & 2 yrs old and married to my Mr. Wonderful for almost 15yrs. I love to help other moms, who want to become SAHMs, reach that goal.
Keep up the good boundries and know that she is going through a hormonal change too!
BE a good example and she will follow.
See if there is a problem at school with someone in particular, this change of going to school alone can be causing this.
Be consistant and give her time!!
Any change in diet?
Any jealousy between her and hubby to be?
I would try talking to her about your upcoming marriage. I would bet she has some emotions she doesn't have the skills to communicate. This could affect her behavior whether or not she seems to be in favor of your fiance. If you have the option of getting counseling for her, I would strongly recommend it. I would highly recommend one who deals in play therapy. It has helped my son a great deal in a relatively short period of time (6 months).
A little about me: I'm a divorced stay-at-home/work-from-home caregiver to my elderly parents and 11 year old boy.
Hi M.,
I agree with a lot of the other moms. She could be acting out simply because of the changes that are going on. Especially with you being engaged. A lot of children act out when they realize that mommy is really serious about someone and it's not their father.
Don't allow her to get away with any of her sassiness either. Be firm with her. Issue punishments that will encourage her to change her ways and let her know that you are still the parent and she is the child. No tv, no play dates, etc. are punishments that usually affect children more so than standing in corner and time out. If she plays video games, take those away for a few days as well. Always let her know that you are there if she wants to talk about how she's feeling rather than being sassy.
My daughter is 6, and since this school year started, I keep getting the same thing from her. She goes in phases where her sassiness is outrageous. I don't know that I do anything specific to make it stop...she gets in trouble, stands in corners, goes to her room, things taken away. But usually it comes down to me having a heart to heart talk with her about how it is disappointing me with her behavior, and how it hurts my feelings, and everyone elses she is acting this way towards in our family. Usually after a day of dealing with the attitude, and I am at the end of my rope, I will talk to her about it all in her bed before I tuck her in....and tell her to search really hard tonight while she sleeps, to find my sweet girl! Usually, she will wake up in the morning with a better attitude, telling me my sweet girl was stuck in her sock...or something silly. But yes, days on end with the sassiness.....can drvie you MAD. I think they are just getting it from school, being around other children that maybe have it, or it is the outcome of something in school. A lot of times, I noticed it seems enhanced right after school. It should pass...hopefully! And then maybe, hopefully, it will pass for good!
K.
M.,
I will be checking back to see what advice you get because I have a 6.5 year old with the same attitude, and my neighbor has a 5.5 year old with it too! I am starting to think it's a phase, and we have to be consistent and it will pass since so many of us have this problem. Good luck, and know you are not alone!
Hi!
You talk about things you are doing like time outs, etc. As a former teacher (40 years). You have to do the opposite as well. When she does it correctly, the first time, praise her, go out of your way to show you approve.
Spend extra time with her on "good" days.
Bad days--let her know you don't have time for that "sassy" girl.
Grandma N.
