Daughter's Troubles in School

Updated on January 15, 2007
E.I. asks from Fort Rucker, AL
8 answers

Hello Moms!

I need advice. I have a situation with my daughter. She is a twin, six years old, (seperate class of course) and extremely outgoing and loves life and all her friends.

She has been teased, chased, hair pulled, called names, kissed (!!! not happy!!!) etc all year so far by a boy who likes her. Well, the last day of school before Christmas break, in PE when they were running around, she had finally had enough and tackled him. His pants subsequently fell. (Not a belt wearer.) His parents were upset and understandably so, however, she was sent to the principal's office and that was the end of it. So we thought. She had never been in trouble before. As much as I am happy she stood up for herself, as she is much smaller than this boy, WE DO NOT CONDONE TACKLING, HITTING, OR ANY PHYSICAL CONTACT.

HOWEVER, now his parents have made a huge fuss. Asking the school to completely keep them seperated at all times. But, this is a two way street. He wacked her in the head with a football the yesterday and is still bullying her on the playground. He still will not leave her alone and he has done all of these other things to her all year. She is trying to comply with the wishes of his parents, but he won't let her. I feel it is not her responsiblity to worry about him on a constant basis.

I have had one conference with the teacher, and many e-mails, but I feel I am being left out in the cold regarding this subject. They were not going to tell me they seperated them. I found out by accident. I just happened to walk her to her classroom the first day after break instead of the front door and was blindsided.

***Sidenote~I feel total seperation of the two is not good. I feel children...to an extent...should learn to work out their differences with the help of adults. Otherwise, how do they learn to become productive citizens and problem solvers in life if we micromanage free time by telling them who they can and cannot play with if nothing is being done wrong at the time? In my opinion, they don't.***

In my opinion, the school has handled this situation all wrong. My grandfather (retired) and mother, both educators and superintendant / principals for over 40 years are appalled at this situation. However, I wanted some outside advice.

These were the questions presented to the teacher / principal in a recent e-mail:

1. Is the separation of the children on the school's request or his parents? (I understand that they wanted it, but would it have happened if they had not mentioned this?)
2. If it is on the boys parent's request, is it common policy for the school to comply?
3. What is the usual procedure in a situation like this?
And most importantly,
4. If they have been given the option to change classes, why has the school complied with their wishes for the separation? Why have they not changed classes if they do not want her around him?
5. Why were we not notified of the no contact decision before Christmas break along with the other family? I had no idea this was happening until I walked into the classroom to talk about my daughter's smashed finger.

Again, insight quickly please! I need it badly!!! I greatly appreciate it!


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So What Happened?

To everyone who e-mailed support: THANK YOU! I couldn't have gotten through this one without it!

After many conferences, and a few phone calls to friends who live on his street, (small community) I found out this little boy has a history of this type behaivor. And his mother thinks it is "cute." I however, do not! And the school was complying with their wishes to get them out of their hair.

I stayed firm, stuck to my guns, however, I did not scream, yell and make unreasonable demands, like they did. I simply said that I didn't think this was fair to ask this of my daughter and she is not going to move anymore when he sits by her. He has to if that is what his parents want. And it worked.

I would just like to say, this was one of the hardest things I had to deal with regarding my daughter and school. But every bit of effort was worth it, because she has been shown now by example how to take the high road, without being used as a doormat. And if you are a woman in today's society...you must be strong!

More Answers



answers from Knoxville on

I would go to the teacher tomorrow morning and find out exactly what is going on. Where was the boy seperated to? Find out why the boy was not punished for the actions he took on your daughter, and make sure your daughter is not being punished for her actions to protect herself. And be proud, very proud of your daughter for standing up for herself! And as we remember school is not an easy place for kids, it can be terrible at times. Hopefully this situation has made your daughter stronger. Good Luck!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Jackson on

Hi lee- it sounds like you are carrying alot of monkeys on your back!!! This is my advice- there are some things that are out of your control, this boy, his family, how they raise him, what they request the teacher to do for him, fair or not.

Put your focus on your daughter, and it sounds like you would like for her to learn from this situation and not run away from it. I agree with you. Teach her how to handle this boy the right way, give her a plan of action when he bothers her, step by step... if her feelings are hurt due to the seperation of the two- explain to her the situation is wrong and that she has done nothing wrong. Empower her and let her know you are behind her 100%.

I would have a conference with this school principle,teacher, school phschologist.... and let them know exactly how you feel about the situation. tell them you are giving your daughter a plan of action that requires the teacher to respond to her regarding this situation and if she dose not get help, then you give her permission to defend herself!

My son went to a public school and I gave him a plan of action that was due to similar circumstances. He got in trouble the first time- but after I made the entire faculty aware that he had this plan of action- he never was in trouble again for defending himself!!!!

I know how stressfull this is and really it is our job as parents to evaluate the stress are children are under and try and minimalize it! You are a good parent! good luck!


2 moms found this helpful


answers from Nashville on

To begin, let me say that I am not an elementary school instructor. I am a college instructor. However, my friends--all of the--are educators of children, and my parents are lifetime educators of children. So, I speak from a lifetime of second-hand experience. I agree that the situation was and is being handled inappropriately. It is clear that this child is a bully because his caregivers have allowed him to be one, which would imply that the situation will not change unless someone else makes the changes. Clearly, the teacher has missed the mark. If this were my child, I would go directly to the principal and explain my disagreement with the handling of the situation and request that my child be removed from the care of the teacher and the classroom of the child. I would explain that this is a liability for the school to place my child in this situation. I would also go prepared with the time and location of the next available school board meeting, PTA meeting, the name and contact information of the local paper, and the written material documenting this situation. I would explain that I would be more than happy to illustrate how the local elementary school was allowing a young girl to be bullied--not a popular behavior in this day and age--and not protect herself against a larger child, a boy no less. I'm sure that the locals would be interested to know this information, as bullying is no longer acceptable in our schools. It seems to be extreme, but I would take no chances with my child in the American public school system. It's too dangerous anymore. And trust me, I would doubt that you would ever have to use any of the information or go to any of the meetings. I hope that it helps.
J. W.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Birmingham on

It is interesting to read all the responses to your problem and I am sorry to day that you do have a problem. Let me say that my middle son experienced bullying so I know first hand how frustrated and scared you are as the parent of a child being bullied. If you have spoken to the teacher and the principle then you need not waste anymore time. Trying to discuss this with the other parents will do nothing but make you angry and that is not what you need right now. I highly recommend that since you have gone to the teacher and principle go to the school board. You may feel like that is a drastic step but you have to look at it like I did. This is happening with a 6 year old boy to your 6 year old child. As they get older, it is only going to get worse. We have seen what happens as bullying children get older. Go to the school board with the "school rules" in your hands. I am sure there is something in there pertaining to violence in school, bullying etc. Trust me once you approach the board, the school will listen. I hope this works and that your daughter gets some relief. After all we send out children to school to learn, not to have to defend themselves against other children.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Elkhart on

Good for your daughter, first off! She definitely should not let any one treat her like that. Second, I just wanted to send you support. Backing up your daughter at a time like this is sooooo important, and it was really good to hear about. Also, I wanted to say you definitely should stick to your guns on this one! Do not let the school push you around. It sounds like the boy has really pushie parents, and sometimes rules are bent to get people out of their hair. Good luck, and good job!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Memphis on

Hi Lee! Welcome to the world of educators!! These teachers need to take classes in how to handle children!! lol I have been through sooo much with my three boys (2 are twins) and the school system! These are the worst set of teachers coming out of these colleges, I have ever seen! Most of them do not have children and do not know how to handle them! We never went through the mess my boys have gone through with teachers! Hey, wait until you get called at work because your child said "stupid" in the classroom! He didn't call anyone stupid or talk back to the teacher, he just said the word stupid! Boy did they hate seeing me come through the door!! I was furious! I told the principal, stupid is in the dictionary and it is what all of you teachers say about our kids when you are sitting in the lounge talking! Let them have it!!! According to my boys' student handbook....they service me and all the other parents! Not the other way around! Believe me, they can say they don't get paid enough to put up with kids, but they DO! $40,000& up is pretty good pay for roughly 7 months out of a year! Don't take it! Stand up for your child because they sure as the devil won't! If you don't get anywhere with the school..go straight to the parent! I have done this more times than I can count!! I usually can come to an understanding with the parent and then I tell my boys to "Stay Away From Him!" Don't look at him, talk to him, smile at him, nothing!! If it still keeps happening (like with my baby twin-the kids used to beat him up!) tell her to punch him out! I know...I don't like that either but as my boys say, "It was worth getting in trouble for!" I finally relented and let Mitchell hit him (the bully) and that was the end of it!! The kid didn't want any more! I don't condone violence, but these kids have to be able to defend themselves if the school officials won't! Another thing we tried was everytime the kid hit my boy he would go tell the teacher...she would say..."Quit tattling"..that was a big help.haha! Some times you have to do what is best for YOUR child and forget about the rest! Including, who you make mad! They have the same britches to get glad in! The school is not the same as when we went..so..don't let them run all over you. Remind them your child is there to get the same education as the bully and you intend for yours to get it!!!With or without their help! Because, teachers hate it when you go to the school board!! I have done this numerous times also!! You do have avenues to take..don't let them bully you!! Good luck, and don't think bad of me..just remember..yours is just starting...mine are almost finished..Let them know now..you are not going to take a back seat to a bully..who probably won't graduate school anyway!..most of the bullies my boys have dealt with have dropped out of school!!..so who was the better parent?..us? or them?..out smart the bullies....how do you think I am still sane?? haha! Good luck, my friend!! T.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Biloxi on

that is totaly not fair to your child and i would insist for her to be moved to another class. why should it be her responsibility, she is a child and if she is playing with a group of children and this school wants them seperated then the boy needs to go else where. the way you explainedit this boy can do what ever he pleases and that is not teaching him how things work im the real world and it may be making him a little bully b/c he probably doesnt even want to play with that group of children until he shees her so there he goes and then she has to find something else to do can you only imagine how that hurts her feelings i would not stop until i got to the bottom of this this makes me so mad and i dont even know yall i just hate to see children being not treated nufairly and this is diffently one of those situations. please let me know what happens. signed concerned



answers from Jackson on

Hmmm...can you arrange a meeting between you, the teacher, the principle, and the other parent(s)? Maybe the 4 of you could brainstorm on a solution. Or maybe after y'all meet, you could sit the kids down together and have them explain why they are doing these things. I understand that the boy appears to be the instigator but if the blame is omitted then the other parents as well as the boy may be more willing to listen and cooperate. How exactly have they been separated? I don't really understand that. If they are in the same class then it doesn't seem feasible to expect them to have no contact. After all, school is a place where you learn about social interaction and what is appropriate and what is not. If one or the other of them is being isolated, I have to agree, that cannot be a healthy solution.

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