Daughter's Messy Room???

Stop taking it personally. She's not intentionally disrespecting you, she's just messy. I am a messy person. My desk at work is a disaster. I throw my clothes on the floor. But I am happy, have a great husband, and two great kids and a great job. When my mess gets in my way, I clean it up.

I say shut her door and teach her how to do her own laundry. When she's embarrassed about the mess in front of her friends, she'll clean it up. Good luck.

nope. I say close her door. Her room, her mess, she can stick if she wants too. BUT, i also think it would be time to show her how to do laundry. That way you are not handing her dirty clothes to mix in with her clean clothes (oops, vice a versa). She is plenty old enough to clean her own clothes. Soon kids might start saying something to her about her messy clothes or stinky clothes...that might make her care.
L.

You described my daughter exactly. For her I think it is a control issue. Her desk at school is immaculate. She is so responsible and on top of all other aspects of her life I think her messy room is calming. It is the one place she can just be. Yes, it drives me crazy. I have chosen not to fight her but have set some ground rules - no food, cleats or wet bathing suits are allowed in her room. Otherwise she is responsible once a week, on Sunday morning, to bring down her laundry and pick up her room.
I do not go in her room to straighten up or find a uniform which is dirty that she will need the next day. If it is important to her she will learn in time.

Your daughter is just like me. I've never been good at "cleaning" and experienced tremendous guilt over it. I finally realized that neatness is partly an innate trait. You can learn to do it to some extent, but some people (like me), just don't see messes in the same was as others.

As an adult, I finally realized that I would never be good at putting my clothes in drawers or on hangers. The chair, the floor, the exercise equipment became my "hangers".

What worked for me was to make a wall of hooks to keep my clothes on. So I have a laundry hamper for dirty clothes (placed where I undress at the end of the day), and hooks for clean clothes, and, amazingly, no clothes on the floor!

Good luck!

You might consider using the techniques in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. The authors have a long history of leading parenting workshops, teaching parents how children can often propose their own solutions to all sorts of classic problems, including attitude, responsibility and trust concerns.

The advice will include you really listening to your daughter's view of the situation. Does she have more clothes than she wants, needs, or feels a connection to? Perhaps not, if she didn't miss what you gave away. Does she care if she has to wear dirty or wrinkled clothes? Maybe she's never had a chance to find out, because you keep stepping in and seeing that they are eventually cared for. Is her room truly hers? What rules would she find reasonable and appropriate? Is her stuff hers, or yours? Would it make a difference for her if you just let her find her own level of care? These and other questions may rise to the surface, and you can get a fuller picture of your daughter's world view. And once she feels you have listened respectfully to her picture of who she is and what her ideal relationship to her family and her home looks like, she will probably be more willing to consider yours.

This is not parent-as-pushover advice. This book gives you great tips on dealing with all sorts of discipline issues, but it's discipline that's based not in punishment, but in natural consequences. I fell into this process sort of by default when my daughter was in about 4th grade. I told her her clothing was up to her, and as long as she didn't leave food in her room to rot or her things strewn around the house, she got to determine how well she took care of things. And, amazingly, she did! Not perfectly, but well enough. She also took responsibility for getting herself out of bed and ready for school on time.

Wow – I let go of two chronic issues, and she handled them both. She tells me to this day that those early experiences with choice and autonomy were helpful for her. (She's now got a demanding profession, a 4.5yo son, a clean house and a happy husband.)

Personally (I didn't read all the answers, sorry if it's a repeat), but mine are expected to pick up. It's a general expectation and they know it. Do they care if their rooms are messy? I don't know, I just teach them my expectations for them.

Child: "Mom, can I go to frjends house?"
Me: "Is your room clean?"
Child: "I really want to go, I can do it when I get home PROMISE!!"
Me: "When your room is clean, you may go, just check with me first"
Child: "But but but!"
Me: "No arguing, room clean - go to friends, room dirty - stay home, it is your choice, not mine"

They begin to get this one real quick. When you make it her choice, but you expect if she is asking for anything or to go anywhere that she will complete what you have set out before her. Just this morning the 6 year old was asking to play a computer game, I told her "Yes, after you've fed the dog & cat, got dressed & eaten breakfast, you may play". Guess what? Dog & cat fed, she dressed & had breakfast.

Giving them choices helps them feel empowered too. When baths were a struggle, I'd ask, "Okay, do you want a shower or a bath?" I don't care what they pick, my goal is to get their bodies clean.

You can take control of this while at the same time teaching her consequences of choices. If she is to be at soccer practice at 4 but you asked her to vacuum the living room and she procrastinated, you wait until she had done what was asked, even if she protests and is late, mom has spoken.

I'm not a dictator of my house (normally) and I'm not by far perfect, but this ended my struggle with my girls' rooms being so messy.

Good luck!
D.

I have a 15 yr old. She gets very messy and she cleans when someone is coming over or needs to do laundry. Luckily, someone comes about once a week but if they don't it is a pig sty in her room.

I choose to pick my battles.

She is a very good kid, very hard schedule, and maintains great grades in her Honors/AP classes. This summer,as last year, she opted (on her own) to go to summer school to get rid of Speech and Health (easy A's) so she could focus on more courses with higher credits for college. She did this to make room in her courses so she could have an extra year of Spanish and stay in cheer and orchestra.

SO, I cut her some slack because I know she will clean her room. Sometimes she has the consequences of not having it clean when she needs certain clothing that is not laundered or can't be found because she's left it in a pile somewhere. In the end, I know she will get it done, maybe not on my preferred schedule but hers.

I was the same way growing up, my mom yelling at me and I turned out pretty good. We don't live in a pig sty!

I stopped that battle awhile ago and it has helped tremendously. Now once a week I have our three go in and "pick up" their rooms. They have chores around the house but we let them have their rooms be their space. I don't believe it is a sign of disrespect to have a messy room. I didn't want a prestine room when I was a kid and I have grown up to keep a pretty neat,organized and tidy ship(minus the kids' rooms) I just think that there are more important things to worry about than their rooms. As long as we teach them how to clean then someday it will kick in to apply it to their own rooms(probably when they are off and on their own paying their own mortgage) We start very young teaching them how to clean,dust,vacuum, sort and do laundry etc. They are responsible to help keep communal areas clean...but their rooms are their own. We sat down and talked about this new found philosophy with them and it has actually helped in the end result. We have also instituted an allowance system and it is helping with them wanting to tidy up their rooms more on their own.

Good luck with whatever you come up with in your household...I just don't recommend you worrying about it so much and letting it escalate to yelling and throwing stuff away.

Oh, my 7-year-old is the same way, you mean it's not going to get any better?!? ;-)
Seriously, though, does she have any space that's just hers and can be the way she likes it? I think it's hard for kids to have people telling them what to do all day and where to put things and so forth, so I try really hard to let my daughter have her room as just her space to do what she wants with. She's not allowed to have food in her room (after she left her Easter basket in there and we got ants), and I do insist that dirty clothes go in the laundry basket. Could you set up some kind of a reward system for a while, like if her dirty clothes go in her laundry basket every day for a week, or 2 weeks or whatever, she gets a new outfit (if she's into that, it could also be a CD or a book or anything that will get her motivated)? My daughter has also had a few incidents lately where she couldn't find something she really wanted, and we refuse to help her find it. I just say, very matter-of-factly, "Yes, it's hard when you don't put things back where they belong, then you can't find them when you want them. Good luck, I hope you find it soon!" It seems to help me, at least, to keep my emotions out of it and then she has natural consequences without me having to be the bad guy.

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Mom sound like you have a terrific little girl who just happens to be messy. If this is really bothering you you need to set some rules on the room and stick to them with Dad backing you up for consistency. If your tween has plans to go somewhere or do something or use the computer at home, play Wii or even watch TV let her know well in advance that she is not able to go or do so until her room is clean and picked up. Be sure she has a hamper close by to put her dirty clothes in and let her know in a nice way that they are not to be shoved in a drawe, under bed or in the closet etc dirty. There is no needfor u of Dad to raise your voice or yell about her , just calmly let her know it is an expectation now since she is old enough now to keep her room looking reasonable. She needs to know that all privilieges and fun things are on hold until it is done then walk away. It is your job and Dads to stick to the applying consequences that will make a difference I think. I have a young teen and used this method and it works for us. Good luck Mom.

I don't think there is a way to make her care. My 15 year old daughter is the same way. A big part of the problem is that it is such a small space and like most kids, they have too much stuff. They bring in more new stuff than they donate or throw out. You could try having her donate or maybe have a garage sale to get rid of the stuff she isn't using.

Dr John Rosemond describes a very similar situation in his book "Parenting by the book". Check it out, page 241....problem was solved in 3 days:)

I am an adult who had a horribly messy room as a child. My mom simply shut the door and I could not have anyone over if my room was messy. I wish though she had spen to more time teaching me HOW to clean. Now as an adult I still struggle with the order in which to tidy up. As a child I got distracted or overwhlemed by the process and still struggle with that as an adult. Perhaps very clear instructions and simple tasks. Such as put your clothes in the hamper, instead of pick up your clothes. Now put your books on the bookshelf, or pick up everything next to your bed. Or even setting the timer and telling her you expect her to clean up for 15 minutes before each meal or bedtime. To make her care, the "reward" of a clean room needs to be significant enough to justify the time and energy it takes.

I was a messy kid and I became a messy adult and hated it! I finally "cleaned up" my act :) In reality I didn't know how to clean my room and keep it clean because I didn't have a system.

First, you can't make her care but you can help her have a system. My 9-year old will leave her room a mess if she could but when we clean it up she LOVES it. She finds it really relaxing.

She probably has too much stuff so she needs a major decluttering first. Check out www.flylady.net for how to declutter (you have 3 boxes, throw away, give away and put away).

Then you'll probably have to supervise her for a while even though she's 12 because she hasn't "gotten it" yet on how to keep clean. Set the timer for 15 minutes and spend 15 minutes helping her clean her room. Supervise where everything is going. At the end of 15 minutes you both can stop and leave the rest alone.

If you keep doing this, eventually you can move from the doing and supervising to just the supervising. And finally just poking your head in. Letting her know that she only has to clean for 15 minutes will help her to stay focused and make her less likely to just toss stuff anywhere.

And her room will be neater. I'm sure it doesn't have to be perfect! Just asking for 15 minutes a day to straighten will help keep it clean. I do this with my 9-year old and her room is usually very neat. If I don't do it then there are clothes strewn everywhere! She doesn't love it when she sees the timer coming, but she will give me 15 minutes and is always proud of herself when she's done!

Really nothing you can do. In my opinion anyway. I was the same way, and, eventually changed when I moved out and had my own apartment. I just hated cleaning my own room. I had no issues helping with the rest of the house, just didn't care to clean my room. I would so much as "make a trade" with my friends that would help me clean my room. My friends knew me, knew I was messy, and, we would just joke about it. I still hate to clean to this day. But, I have to. When I could afford it though, I've even paid a housekeeper just because I hate to clean so much. It is just not in some of us, and, it sounds like it is not in your daughter. That "cleaning bone" as I call it. My parents just shut the door. The times it got really bad, they would "ground me" from doing something until it was clean. Those times, I would call a friend over to help me clean! lol! I had one friend that loved to clean. She loved to "tackle my room" for me! ;)

Hi J., I also have a 10 year old daughter, and I think that 10 year olds generally don't seem to mind their rooms being messy! I usually have a quick 5 minute tidy up each night after shower etc, and we do it together - quick & easy. I make sure our daughter does her part to help. No big deal. That seems to work! Good luck.

lol i was the same way when i was her age. my mom wasn't a neat freak either but she did want my room kept better then what i was doing. you may just have to come to the realization that it's just not in her. my mom had to do the same with me. she noticed that i was junky but not trifling! i know as a parent( since i;m one now) we hate to see clothes and shoes what we pay our hard earned money on to just be thrown anywhere but some things do have to come with age. she;s only 10. and it not that she doesn't care that you do spend that money on her things but most kids don't think that far ahead. and really think about what you just said " I threw away her clothes" did that hurt you or her. YOU JUST THREW YOUR HARD EARNED MONEY AWAY! and you had to replace some of it because you want her to look nice and have nice things. but you may not like it but she just might not be a "neat" person. my mom set up her rule like this on Saturday I had to do all my chores especially my room and if i didn't no allowance and i couldn't go anywhere until it was done. Saturday was my day. i know how you feel because i have been in both sides of the fence. so i wish you the best of luck!

p.s. sorry to say but at 29 i still throw my clothes everywhere.

I don't know if you can make her actually care at this point until she sees the results. You could let her pick out a neat laundry basket at IKEA that may help her store her clothes but use things such as trips or events to make her clean up. I.E. if you are going to Raging Waters let her know that she can't go until her room is clean, or if she wants to have friends over, tell her she must clean her room first. This isn't rewarding her because you were going to these places anyway, but they are usually so excited about going you can get them to do just about anything. And then show her. Show her what you expect her room to look like and tell her that you are going to come back and check. Start off simple and make sure everything is off of the floor and her bed made and then start with putting away extra's. Have fun!

I have a teen boy (almost 18) who STILL doesn't care...about hygiene, or personal possessions, etc.
You have gotten some good advice, and I hope some of it works, but I have to say that unfortunately there are a few rare people who just don't care...

maybe tell her she can eat dinner once her room is cleaned. If it is too big of a mess, start with a small area and add more each day. so the first days he may have to have all her laundry in her hamper/ dresser. The next day the laundry needs to be put away and everything cleaned out from under her bed. The third day her laundry put away, under the bed cleaned and some other corner/ half of the room picked up or some other category of toys picked up. My son is 4 and if his room gets too overwelming I grab a broom and make a pile for him to put away. Find something she likes to do as the motivational deadline. Going to bed may not work because she may use the dirty room as a means to stay up. some kids would rather not play with their friends if it means they need to clean their room. Try to get her to clean a bit on a daily basis so it doesn't get too overwelming.

Now my daughter is only 4 but what has finally started working for her is I have told her I can not tuck her in at bedtime or naptime IF her room is not cleaned up. I am 9 months pregnant and was tripping on everything. It is a HUGE deal to her to have mommy tuck her in. Her room is not perfect but it is much better than it was and she is putting things away.

My husband use to bag up all the toys on her floor but it didn't impact her at all, she would find something else to play with.

If you find an asnwer, PLEASE, send it to me.
I have the same battle with my 12 year old girl. I HATE when she is looking for something to wear and she takes out like 10 shirts 6 jeans, and the either she hides them or put them in the dirty clothes. I use to make her do her own laundry until MIL start saying that I shouldn't put a grown up head in a child's head. I start doubt that I may I was asking to much. Like you, my daughter is very nice in many other aspects and very independent as well.
The closer I have get to a clean room is when I gave her a hanging cubes (7) and I told her to put there ONLY the clothes she will hear that week, everything else was away.
I still working on EVERYTHING else. (papers, toys, pencils)
Btw, as soon as I stop asking her to just put her clothes for the week out, the clothes were back in the floor.
UGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

Hi my daughter (11) is the same way. Here is what I do. I ask her first to put away her toys, clothes etc. When she doesnt do it , I put everything in a hamper . She wont be able to play with or use anything I picked up, ie> favorite jeans, movies, phone ! till I say so. Usually a week. She know Im serious so she does it. This goes for all her gagets too. We also do a 10 second tidy once a week where for 10 seconds we work really fast to pick up clothes and toys and clear it as fast as we can, this can be fun. Winner gets a treat, ice cream etc., hint: I always let her win! It will get better in time. Kids dont know how to organize yet. It comes later.

Good luck!

my daughter is 17 and she is still that way. I do not do her laundry anymore, since she was 12. it has not made her care. My son was the same way untill he moved out. then he started doing better.

Been there, done that, going through it right now with my own daughter. NOTHING I've done seems to make an impact on her...including all 'expert' advice. It's an 'I really don't care' phase that mine's not going to come out of until she wants to. ~sigh~

Help her and keep helping her physically. Perhaps you have done most of the cleaning for her so she doesn't get it. What you should try is put some music on that she likes and have a game. See who puts the most away the fastest. The clothes you have sit with her while she folds her clothes and you fold your own clothes. Then you show her where her clothes go and you see who can put their clothes away in a nice way the fastest. Good luck, the only way you can is not to make her feel like she is not good at it because once you do she will think you are better at it so you should do it, because that's what you have allowed her to think. If you show her and she doesn't do it right, keep showing her and if she does it wrong, just smile and bear it and tell her what a great job she did, because she will be more willing to learn if she thinks she has done a good job instead of you showing her, complaining about about and you finishing the job. Good luck.