Daughter Petrified of Preschool?

Like you said, she may never be ready. I would go ahead and send her because it may take all year for her to settle down where she will be comfortable going. She may not learn anything this whole year but she will learn to be separate from you. She may settle down in another month and be the top of her class too.

I would send her regardless because it's learning to go that's important now.

Hi K.,

This may be a really abstract concept to her. My DS is very concrete in his thought process and reasoning and abstractions are extremely anxiety provoking for him. We try to give him as much concrete information as possible when he enters a new environment. Would it be possible for you to take her to see the school and the class room and maybe even meet the teacher so that she has a clearer idea of what school means and what will be expected of her? Just a thought. Always listen to that mommy alarm and it will steer you every time!! :-) S.

When I taught preschool and a parent told me about their child's fear of preschool, I always asked them to think about where the fear was coming from. In some circumstances the parent suggested that they were concerned about their child's reaction and then I would suggest that children were "Mom mood-readers". Children can often sense hesitation in a parent. So if you think this might have a ring of truth in your situation, I recommend that you follow all the advice you've been given by posters below. Find a good play-based preschool, enroll her and take her to it. Don't chat it up, don't raise her expectations, just make it part of her routine. When you drop her off, hug her big-time and leave. When you pick her up, don't quiz her on how it was. Just let it happen. She deserves to be prepared for kindergarten, separating from you, owning her own experiences, and working in a group environment. You can make this happen. All my best to you and your daughter.

I think RK gave you excellent advice, the same advice I would give.

One thing I always encourage parents to do is to let their kids stay in the moment and to be the confident adult in making plans for the child. Often, adults 'talk things up' to prepare kids for new experiences. The problem is that kids have nothing to compare it to and often, just get scared or anxious. So, do what you feel is best for your child and then TELL her (don't ask her if she wants to go... ) just TELL her "this is what we are doing", and no more than a couple days in advance.

The purpose of preschool, IMO, is exactly what RK described: learning to separate from a parent, learning to trust other adults to help them get their needs met, learning to follow along with the group throughout the time the child is there, learning how to be with/get along with other kids who are not chosen playmates... as well as becoming more independent with self-care skills like toileting, wiping noses, and dressing/undressing selves (coats, shoes, etc). THESE are actually the things kindergarten teachers MOST need kids to know before they start K; academics are great, but mostly gravy. It usually takes more of the K teacher's time to teach those preschool skills than it does to introduce number/letter concepts, etc.

after I went to the preschool to check it out and decided it was a good place.. then the kids went with me 2 times to see it.. just a quick visit.. then we stayed for about an hour.. then the 4th visit I left them for an hour..

my son was worried and fearful the day I left.. but he did fine..

if you do not do this preschool .. she needs lots of activities around other kids.. library story time.. dance or gymnastics.. art class.. she needs to get around other kids and you have to step back so she can learn to be without you.. or next fall could be rough..

This is an adult decision. Sounds like you're asking her if she wants to go. That is too much pressure on her. I would stop talking about it. Decide wherd she's going, enroll her and then tell her a few days before that she is going.

Sympathize with her fear while calmly telling her she will like it. Don't dwell on the fear. Focus on what a great time she's going to have once she gets used to it. Be realistic with her. Tell her it's natural to be afraid and she'll have a good time. Talk about what will happen there.

Take her for a visit and stay with her. Leave after an hour even if she's having a good time. Tell her ahead of time that you're staying an hour ahead of time. It's ok if she just sits on your lap for that hour.

Talk with the teacher ahead of time. She has experience with this and will help you.

Remember your daughter is only 4. She doesn't have experience to know what school is. She only knows you are asking her to agree to do something she knows nothing about. You can tell her about it but its still totally unknown. Unlike older children and adults she has no experience with which to compare what you're asking her about. She needs to feel that you're in charge.

I would not talk about this at all for a few weeks and start over.

Has she gone to the school herself? That makes a difference. If you're just telling her she's going to some strange place two days a week I could see why she'd be freaking out.
All mine went to preschool three mornings a week. It wasn't a choice, I just signed them up. I took them to an open house, where they got to meet the teachers and kids and check out all the fun things to do. On the first day they were a little shy, nervous and weepy but by the time I picked them up three hours later they were SO happy. Preschool was a lot of fun for them, and it is for most kids.
She can't possibly know whether she's going to like it or not until she goes. And as the parent it's YOUR decision whether or not to send her. Even though it's optional, a good preschool can be really, really beneficial. Just stop talking about it (which can actually add to her anxiety) and sign her up. You can always pull her out if she's too immature, but give it a month at least.

Is she afraid of play dates?
Preschool is a combination of playing and learning.
I'm not sure that I'd discuss it with her beyond "I have a play date scheduled for you twice a week and you are going to meet new friends and have so much fun!".
Then take her, kiss and hug her goodbye before you leave the house then at school it's all business "Have fun! I'll see you later!" then leave quickly.
Will she cry?
Probably.
You need to know that most kids will cry from 10 to 20 minutes and then they'll be over it and ready to face their day.
It might take awhile for her to adjust (some kids go on like this for 8 weeks).
It will take her longer because she's only going twice a week.
You are ripping that bandaid off slowly so to speak.
Eventually you will come to a point where she cries at drop off and THEN she'll cry when you come to get her because she wants to stay longer to play.
You'll get tired of getting the sobbing treatment coming and going but it's just a developmental stage of getting use to transitions.
Many (I'd say most) kids go through this.
I'd say it's worth it for her to get use to it now.
But - if you do decide to keep her home one more year then she'll have the 5 days per week experience next year - it will be an immersion (you'll be ripping the bandaid off quickly) and she'll still eventually get use to it.

In my experience, most kids do fine once Mom leaves. This is not the case always...but, Kindergarten is much more academic now than it was yrs ago. Therefore,I think a 4 yr old program is very important to attend for the social part, etc...

Your child can sense your tension...

If your daughter is not ready, the teacher will let you know.
I would give it a try !
I just read your last question...Is your daughter potty trained as of this month?

take her to visit the preschool/s and step back and watch her interact with the other kids...use your judgement then but she'll most likely see that it's fine...

I would put her in the program. What is she afraid of? Does she have no concept of being without you? My DD was home with me and at 4 we put her in a 5 days a week, half day program. She was worried at first because she didn't know what to expect. So help her figure it out. Talk to the teachers. Etc. Honestly, they said that if I didn't put DD in (she was a very young 5 starting K), that she might not have been emotionally ready for K.

Does she scream to get her way about anything else? Does she get a lot of attention for it? I would read her The Kissing Hand and talk to other kids who like school. "Jane, Susan goes to preschool. Susan, what do you do in school? Can you tell Jane what it's like?"

If she is this reactive to the THOUGHT of going to preschool, I think you should do something. Otherwise, you'll be dealing with this in K and that is worse, IMO.

Don't go for a strict academic program. Go with play based. She will learn, but learn through games and play.

Ultimately you are the adult and you need to decide. To me, it sounds like she needs some socialization in a preschool setting, and to learn that she has nothing to be afraid of.

Perhaps you could take her to the school for a "tour" during the school day. Let her see what's going on, how much fun the kids are having, and have her meet some of the teachers. Eat lunch there with her, step back and let her play with the other children, and engage with the curriculum.

Talk with the director. I'll bet they do these types of visits all the time.

4 can be a tough age to introduce that.
We started at 2 and it's been pretty easy with a little bit of clinginess around age 3.
So, my guess is she'll be fine if you keep sending her.

Kindergaten these days...you need a lot of preparation. Even preschool doesn't always cut it. It's the new first grade.

All I know is, I have 2 kids.
One, WANTED to go to Preschool and TOLD us she wanted to go.
My other child, my son, did NOT want to. HE told us that.
Anyway, from about 4 years old, I took my son WITH me... to visit various Preschools. And, I would observe him at each one, and see what he told me and how he reacted at each preschool.
I told him we are just going to look. He did not like, the Preschool that my daughter went to. Even if it is a real nurturing and cute/nice/good preschool.
Anyway, so one day, we went to a Preschool. And HE TOLD ME, all excitedly "Mommy this is the one! I like this one!" and HE... loved it. And was excited about it. And loved the Teachers there. And then, HE WANTED to go, to "Preschool."
And fortunately, I also liked that Preschool and thought it was good, and they had an opening, and I signed him up. And then, he went to Preschool. Part-time. Half days. And he loved it... and had NO trouble adjusting at all. He never even cried at all. It was never forced. He, wanted to go and loved the Preschool "he" chose.

My son, attended that Preschool for only 6 months. Then, he went on to Kindergarten. And it was fine.

My kids happen to LOVE preschool. I have seen others who screamed cried so long (I think the mom or dad had to spend 30 mins to drop off). The kids are now older (2nd and kinder) and are well adjusted I would have never guess they would have been the crying drop off kids had I not seen it myself.

Not that I wanted my kids crying, but part of me was thinking, gosh they must really love being around their parents while my kids ran off to play. At least they were excited to see me at pick up. It is a bit of a sting when a 4 year old says to go away and they want to stay.

Another idea. I did sign my son up for a summer camp and he was terrified. I looked at his face and knew something was up, so i just took him home (it was the third day). They gave me a credit for another activity. I believe there were too many kids at the camp and my son was younger and could have been hit by an older kid.

Of course she is fearful. For the first time in her life you are talking about taking her somewhere and leaving her there 2 days a week. She has no idea what preschool is - for her it's a dark hole and that's scary!

I agree that you should stop talking about it and just take her for a tour and let her see what preschool is. Once she sees the other children having fun, her fears may dissipiate. If she's still fearful after that, then perhaps wait until next year, but in the interim, maybe take advantage of some Mother's Day Out days so she gets somewhat used to being left during the day for a short period of time.