Daughter Gets Feelings Hurt-1 Sided Friendships

Hi K. . I read your story ..i have a 9 yr old she turns 10 in april. I would most defiantly talk to her mom..the one your closest to..if it is bothering you this bad ..i would even suggest maybe the 4 of you (the other girl and her mom)go to lunch or some other outing .when the girls are out of ear shot ..bring it up to this mom like your talking about the other girls your referring to .like your asking her for her advice.she will probably not only tell you what she thinks but may realize her daughter has been doing it to .i do not think your trying to pawn your daughter off ..if these girls stay at yalls house from time to time its only fair the other mothers reciprocate.

I haven't dealt with this with my own children (too young) but dealt with this many times when I was teaching 2nd and 3rd grade. I would suggest that you encourage other friendships. At 10, the girls may just be developing other interests and are growing apart. It is normal!
Ask your daughter if there are other girls that she might like to become friends with and encourage those friendships. I like the idea of getting her involved in things outside of school to give her the opportunity to meet kids with similar interests.
I don't think it is necessary to talk to the other moms. (I've seen this backfire and the moms began having BIG issues between themselves.)
This is a huge learning experience for you daughter, something she will deal with the rest of her life. You can try to take it into your own hands or you can help her learn how to deal with disappointment and how to make new friends.

As the other poster said it's girlie stuff. You could possibly suggest that she seek out other people for friends especially since she is the one being "used" to be a referee. It's hard to be on the short end of everything it's not fun (been there as a kid). Ask her if there are other girls nearby that at in the school that she has in her classes and see if something can come of that. This way she will have her old friends but now she will have new friends and maybe the old ones will wake and realize that she is a really good person. If she is strong willed it might be that the girls are not ready for that type of personality in their lives all the time. Remember we all have/had friends that are/were seasonal and permanent. Many times it takes growing up to find out that some of the "hot" group were not that great and that that did not turn out too well. What kind of hobbies does she have that she could explore deeper? She could start there and make new friends. Be patient with her her she is who she is and real friends will seek her out for abilities. Don't ask the mother as this my disrupt whatever relationship the girls have. She just has to take a different avenue in friends. Welcome to the real world where life isn't fair and we have to sit on the side line and watch and comfort.

Good luck on your teaching degree. Possibly something in your teaching courses/practice can be used to help her through this time in her life. Ask a professor for some suggestions as an option. Education can and is used in many ways

Does your dislike gossip? Is she more mature than her friends? The reason I am asking is because they might be "shunning" her, because they may be engaging in behavior they don't feel she would "approve" of. So, it may not be a bad thing, necessarily.

I believe it's important to teach our children when they're young, what we want them to do/be when they are older. So, think about what you would do if these were your co-workers or friends at church. What would you do or what would be your best reaction? Teach her now what you'd want her to do in the future.

Perhaps getting her involved in some outside activities like art classes or dance classes will help, where she can focus her energy on more positive things and meet new people that aren't at school.

I think you are on the right track when thinking of having someone over to get better acquainted with. Maybe this is something that you could do together- getting to know more people. It could be like a little game or challenge that you share. Maybe do a service project with another Mom and daughter for someone else...and do it anonymously. Maybe even just find an elderly neighbor that can't trim her garden like she'd like to or just wants company. The two (teams) of you could just visit with her and bring her flowers or sweep her porch or something like that.

Your daughter doesn't have to be best friends with the new friends, but what can it hurt if she does? :) I hope things turn out better soon for the both of you. Best wishes, K..

Good morning,
This is "girl stuff." Friends one moment, and not the next. I would definitely NOT talk with the other mother. Parents MUST stay out of it. Trust me. My daughter is 19 and she was my last and so I knew to stay out of things, as this is the way girls are.
I also want to encourage you with your schooling. Teaching is the BEST EVER. I love being at school every day. God bless,
M. in N. Texas
P.S. I did not start teaching until I was 35, and also went back to school as you are doing.

I have a 13 yr old and I can relate to what you are going through. I try SO hard to keep my mouth shut and let her work out her differences. I know it is a ton of girlie stuff and the girls are changing daily. I learned to never speak badly of any friend becauase that friend might be the best friend the next day (or hour) When speaking with another mom, it is only mentioned casually. I always say, I know my daughter is no angel and not perfect but....

One thing we keep reminding ourselves is....when 2 rough stones keep working together, they end up smoothing each other out"

This is hard to do when you are the one with a child who gets hurt. I happen to have the house where everyone comes, every weekend. I have no issue with that because I keep tabs on the girls here and I know what they are doing. However, it would be nice if my daughter would be invited over to other friend's homes more often. She is invited occasionally and that is nice. Most of her friends have siblings and my daughter is on only child.

We are dealing with girls being mean right now as in calling names, etc. My daughter is strong willed and I am not going to squash that aspect of her personality but she is also very sensitive. They talk about each other behind the back then they call my daughter on Fri to come over to our house and they will stay til Sunday! I've come to find out that some of these girls have other motives for coming to my house as in .......blockbuster movie night, cinemark movie night, dave and buster night, etc all at MY expense. We have nipped that in the bud.

Good luck sorting through this. Congrats as a teacher. I substitute teach and you will see a lot of this behavior starting around the 4th grade.

Susan