Daughter Can't Make Friends

has she been bullied and maybe you just dont know about it? when i was in 6th grade i was bullied badly. I just didnt want to talk to my mom about it. I was so scared to go back to school i would throw up. i think i would stop by asking her WHY she is scared, and see if there is another interest she may like. Maybe year book, sewing, etc.

T.,
I am going to be honest with you, but a couple of things that grabbed my attention were: "....I am trying harder than she is to make........", and "I have bought her all the same brands of clothes the other kids wear...."
In my opinion, I think the same as other moms; your daughter is shy and probably cheerleading is the least of the activities your kid should be involved in. She needs in first place not to be pushed to make friends but supported, real support and nice approach. Remember that you are talking about your daughter not yourself. You may want to find first, what she really likes. She may like swimming or piano lessons instead. Talk to her, listen to her, she is trying to tell you something.
Second, you don't have to turn your daughter into an identical robot by buying the same clothes and getting her the same haircut as other girls (wrong! and besides ...that is one of the reasons why girls are spoiled now days). I am sorry but it is silly. Let her be who she is. Let her choose her clothes and her haircut, her things. She doesn't feel comfortable being or acting like someone else (friends or her mom) that is the reason she is acting like that and crying and rejecting what you chose for her. Again, talk to her, listen to her and let her know that you will support her always. Ask her what she likes to do, a sport, an other activity, etc, and find a place where she may do that.
There is no need to make a big deal out of this, some kids make friends sooner and other later in life. Most of the kids, I assure you make friends, REAL friends out of school, believe me.....
T., get involved yourself in a couple of activities, (neighborhood, church, coaching....etc.) and you will see that this will actually help your daughter in making some friends or at least get the socialization (or the socializing?) you want her to have. Do more things as a family, go to the zoo, invite your neighbors and their children to have an iced tea (whatever) or just have a chat in your backyard, etc...That works wonders. To have friends we have to be friends and share our time with people, smile and give them a chance to speak to you or your daughter.
Good luck, have fun and relax!

Cheerleading doesn't seem like the right sport for a shy kid.

I highly recommend putting her in theater. I taught it for years and surprisingly, a lot of the kids who are attracted to it are kids that are socially awkward and shy, and it does wonders for their confidence.

I wasn't necessarily shy, but I am a nerd. If was involved in cheerleading or volleyball I would have had a nervous breakdown--and I definitely wouldn't have gotten out of the car. I know my mom would have loved for me to go to dances, wear cute clothes, but I had to find my own path (I was the school mascot--a bulldog for awhile!). For me that ended up being doing journalism in high school. I found wonderful friends doing the things that mattered to me. I would have been humiliated wearing trendy clothes--I liked the clothes that make me feel like me. I was never teased or bullied--in fact I was generally well liked--but I just never wanted to fit in with the "in" crowd because, at least in my school, it was all based on looks/money which seemed (and still seems) superficial to me. I never went to parties, or to dances until my junior and senior year of high school, but I made great friends that I stay in contact with to this day. I am very, very happy person with an amazing partner, a wonderful son, and a fulfilling career. I would imagine that left to her own devices your daughter will find her own path, one that fulfills her too.

On a personal level I know how hard this can be because I watched my own outgoing, popular mom have to deal with her very nerdy daughter (I think in some ways it was harder because I was the kind of girl that everyone just wanted to put a little make-up on and dress up because then I would be "so cute!")...but that's not me! And now...I have the world's most outgoing 3 year-old who constantly wants to introduce himself to new kids at the park and go play with other kids and I feel uncomfortable having to interact with the other moms! Our kids our great because they make us grow in ways that can be uncomfortable, but in ways that we wouldn't do for anyone else in the world!

I agree with the other posters. i think you're pushing in the wrong direction. What does SHE want? Maybe you need a girls day out so you can get in some time together and talk in a relaxed setting about what she wants to do and be. Cheerleading sounds terrifying for a shy girl. One true friend is enough for some. Develop her interests, not your idea of what might interest her. Help her bond with one or two girls by sharing activities or sleepovers where her shyness isn't an issue. Maybe you could help her get involved in some type of community service. The best way to help a shy child is to get them involved in helping someone else. It takes all their energy away from thoughts of themselves. Her thoughts are all wrapped up in what other people think of her, and it keeps her fearful. Helping others lets her be someone else's hero, which is a confidence-builder. A women's shelter, food pantry, whatever is available for you. You don't have to look far these days to find someone in need. Good luck.

I hope this doesn't sound to harsh - it is your daughters life, not yours. If she is as shy as you stated, I really don't think cheerleading is the best sport for her!! It sounds like YOU want her to be a cheerleader and have the same clothes/hair as the other girls and go to parties. If SHE wants this, then I would say support her in it, but from this post it seems like YOU want it.

Is she asking for your help? Is she crying becasue she doesn't have friends or because she is just so shy and anxious?

Again, I don't want to sound harsh and come off mean. But to me it seems like you are trying to relive your life through your daughter.

Perhaps the school guidance counselor can talk to her. There may be an underlying issue here. My first thought is bullying - usually when kids have that strong of a reaction to going to a meet and greet there is a reason.

She has to learn on her own how to be a friend and she will make friends. As hard as this is...........you can't live your life through her. You are trying too hard to make her fit in. I know it breaks your heart but she has to do this on her own.

Cheerleading is not for shy girls/boys. Cheerleaders love attention (at least mine does), loves the spotlight, loves being a leader in the school. At daughter's high school, cheerleaders are held in high regard, expected to continue to do well in all classes and lead the student body by example.

This does not sound like your daughter.

Let her know you have her back, keep communicating with her and understand what she is going through. Middle school adjustment is not easy for a lot of pre-teens.

Best wishes to you.

Our daughter has always been extremely shy. She is hilarious once you get to know her. She has always been into quiet activities and I swear her whole goal in life is to be unnoticed.

She has never had more than a few friends and even then they change from year to year. She always stayed friendly with them, but they were not bosom buddies. There was another mom with a daughter like ours. We got together every once in a while and helped plan, "Game nights" to include only a few extra friends to come over for pizza and games. These group get togethers became a little larger each year and for Prom, there was a very large group of friends that went as a group to Prom. We hosted a fancy dinner and then they all rode together to the event..

Our daughter was never bullied, she was just more mature than a lot of other girls and did not enjoy what they all enjoyed. She likes art, it is her passion. She is addicted to books, she always has 3 going on all at once with extras waiting to be read, just in case she devours all of them at once.

In middle school she did not want to take PE at the school, instead she wanted to take extra academic classes so she on her own, decided to take up rowing. This was her choice. For 6 years she took these after school classes and it was not until her Senior year in high school, she wanted to actually compete! She came in 2nd place in her first competition and it was a National Competition!

She is now in College and it is Nirvana to her.. The other people that she is now friends with are like her. They are smart, funny and nerdy.. Very mature and take their studies very seriously.

Let your daughter be her own person. Let her know it is good to be her own person. See if she can figure out where her interest lies. Art, music, dance, design, community service.. And allow HER to lead you. It is not fair to her or her team mates that she does not want to participate. If SHE chooses to do something and THEN does not want to participate, that is a different story, she then needs to follow through.

Guide her with information and opportunities, but allow her to be in charge of the choices.

My heart goes out to your daughter. She sounds like she is suffering from too much anxiety because of these social situations. I wouldn't push her anymore because it is upsetting her too much. You have gotten some wonderful advice to far and I'd like to add to it. My husband has suffered from SAD (social anxiety disorder) most of his life. What really helped him overcome these anxieties were learning the martial arts. He learned to channel his fears and gain confidence...and he made some great friends too:) I would definitely ask her what she'd like to do and praise her for trying sports even though she didn't like some--that takes some guts to try:) Not everything is a great fit for everyone. Maybe a better fitting sport would be one that doesn't involve being on a team like ice skating or swimming.

I sincerely believe you two are caught in a power play. Your last sentence said that she had requested signing up for cheerleading, has played with the same volleyball team for 3 years......so she's involved in the decision-making process.......so that leaves the interaction btwn the two of you.

The next time she pulls the "fit" act.....use your phone to videotape it. Show it to her, ask her if she likes how she's acting. Ask her if she'd like it if you were doing the same thing. In other words, confront her on her actions. .......I know this sounds harsh, but she's 11 & way too old to be acting like this! Once she's calm, address the issues. Help her identify what is triggering her. Help her devise a plan to prevent her reaction to the triggers. It truly sounds as if you two are cycling thru the same problem over & over again!

As a side note, my husband has never learned how to get ready & leave on a trip without throwing a fit/crabbing/yelling. He even does this when we are leaving for a family party, off to church, etc. He just cannot "leave" the house without stressing, & yet wants to go & is fine when we get there. He makes our lves Heck, because he's never had to confront this behavior - until I showed him what he was doing! Now he just goes out & waits in the truck & keeps his mouth shut, so we can get ready in peace! ... I noticed that our 14y.o. son was falling into the same bad habit- of losing control when trying to make a change- just like his dad. We are still working on how to prevent falling into this cycle, but are being proactive with our approach. He now recognizes & stops the cycle.....so I'm hopeful he'll beat it!

Back to you, I also noticed that a lot of the other posters feel that you are pushing her, dressing her up like a doll....making all of her choices. I don't know if I "read" that in your words or if you're just following thru on her requests, but your need for her to be mainstream....certainly comes thru loud & clear! Time to loosen up, time to begin to embrace differences in life! Not everybody has to wear the same clothes, have the latest hair......teach her to follow herself & her own choices.....instead of "trying to keep up with the Jones's " (or whatever that phrase is!).

Maybe it's also time for the two of you to find an activity or volunteer project to address as a team. A church group, an animal shelter, etc would all benefit from a mother/daughter team. Find something which would interest her &.....maybe, just maybe, you'll turn both of you around! Peace!

Being a very shy, sensitive kid myself, I would say don't push. Help her to find something that she is interested in. Then let her be her own person. I know you're worried about it, but she will find her own way and the best thing you can to is to love her as she is and let her know that -- that whatever she wants to be (a nerd, a ballet star, an equestrian, a softball player, a musician) whatever it is, that you love her.

Let her know your concerns, and then tell her you love her and _actively_ listen to her (google "active listening") in a non-judgemental way, and then tell her that you want her to explore some new things, but that it doesn't necessarily mean joining a sport or being a cheerleader, or that she has to wear fasionable clothes or the latest haircut.

The best thing my parents did for me was let me follow my passion and not push. I loved horses as a kid (though we lived in suburbia). Despite the pennypinching needed to do it (I'm one of 5 and my dad worked in construction), they got me riding lessons. And I was better at that than anyone I knew and it gave me a whole new world of confidence (slowly, over time). I am the person I am today because my parents allowed me the opportunity to explore my passions....

My niece, who is shy but was not nearly as introverted/shy as I was as a kid, started her own knitting club at her high school... And she even got a couple of the football players to try it out. They knit stuff for charity (baby blankets for the hospital, scarves for the soldiers).

I agree with the others that you have to get your daughter involved in activities that excite her! If she's around other kids with the same interests as her, then she has the best chance at making friends! She shouldn't be doing things that she throws fits about.

Now, I'm going to take this in another direction entirely. It seems to me that an 11 year old girl would have formed some other friendships by now. It also concerns me that she does "throw fits" and is very, very shy. There may be something else going on here. Have you thought about getting her assessed?

My six-year old daughter has Asperger's, which is a form of high-functioning autism. She has a hard time making friends because she doesn't quite "get" other kids. Asperger's can present itself fairly mildly in some kids, and I suspect it goes highly undiagnosed.

Just something to think about!

C.
www.littlebitquirky.blogspot.com

I do not think you are trying to relive your life through your daughter as some have said, I think you are trying to help her along. I was very shy, and teased through at least middle school. My 12 yr old has problems making friends as well. When I try to suggest things for her, it is not to relive my life, but to prevent her from going through what I did.

I think have a few sleepovers, or having her throw a back to school party for some girls would be a great idea if she is up for that. At some point we have to just stand back and let them solve their own problems.

Coming from someone who was SUPER shy her whole life, I feel for you and for her. I know it can be hard as a parent watching this and I know how hard it is on her. I went to a parochial school my entire life from preschool-8th grade so when high school came it was a huge adjustment. We also had moved out of the parochial school area and into a neighborhood far enough away that none of my friends lived anywhere near me (this was when I was 7). I never made friends in my neighborhood unlike my brother and sister who had no problems doing so. Luckily my mom ran a daycare or I would have spent a lot of summer days home alone.
Anyway, when I started high school I decided I wanted to join the basketball team so I signed up for the camp over the summer. Yah, went there two times and quit. I remember the first day of high school being the most scariest thing ever at that point in my life. Gradually I made friends but it was so hard for me. Now in life, I am more open then I ever thought I could be.
I think she really needs to do this on her own...although I think signing her up for activities won't hurt her, but just don't be surprised if she wants to quit those too....and let her if she does. (Believe me I've quit a lot of things in my life...and although I've regretted a few my parents always let me and I thank God they did) I know with me once I made a friend, it made a world of a difference. Perhaps after school has started and she gets a little bit comfortable with a few friends/people invite them over for a sleep over.

I moved to a new state at age 11 and it was very hard for me since I was shy too. It was really very hard and yet I found a few friends and realized some of us are loyal friends for life to a few people, not the outgoing party type people as much as some. I still keep in touch with one girl ( lady now ) from that school and she even came to see me a few years ago, we talk on the phone often. I learned to make more friends along the way and it has to her friends and her relationships with them. I would let your daughter make friends on her own and maybe she is only going to be close to a few, friendly to all and let her decide what she wants to be involved in herself. She's only 11 and these next few years there will be a lot of changes and growing.

I hate to say it, but you are pushing too hard.
It seems to be a big deal to you, and she is picking up on that and it is making her anxiety worse.
Let it go. Let things happen in a more natural and relaxed way. Everything in it's time. Friendships take time to develop. If she is stressed about it, they will never develop at all.
Focus more on how she likes other aspects of her new school. How does she like her teachers ? Does she feel she is keeping up OK ? Are they challenging her enough ? Are there perks that she especially enjoys ?
You said you hoped cheer-leading would help her with being shy. That is not a good reason to get into cheer-leading. Shy is part of her personality. It doesn't have to be changed. Let her be who she is.
If you would like for her to do some extra curricular activities, allow HER to pick them. I am betting cheer-leading was not her choice. Cheer-leaders tend to be very charismatic, yet cliquish girls. Not the place to put someone they can walk all over.
I really think if you let the subject drop and take a wait and see attitude for awhile, she will find her niche and settle in.

Instead of waiting for her to get invited to parties, let her have a party/get together with only a few girls to get her comfortable with them and then the next time invite a few more. My daughter is extremely shy and this summer she FINALLY got up the nerve to call girls she meet in JHS and either a) they don't call back b) thy've gone away out of state for the summer or c) someone came over, spent 8 hours and the mom came to pick up and said "We'll have you over soon." The girl replied to my daughter's email about getting together by saying, "IT's sooo hot an dI'm just going in people's pools." FYI-- We have a pool and most of the time they were swimming and she doesn't have a pool. So now my daughter feels used. Another problem I have (with my other child's friends) is that they get dropped off for a minimum of 3 hours for a playdate and only 1 out of 6 moms invite my child over or the moms don't want to meet at places like the park, bowling, skating or chuck e cheese, etc. However, if I were to offer TAKING their kid to these places---well of course, that is fine!! LOL