Datinga After Divorce. Failure #2 - Willow Hill,IL

Just be open and honest with him. Tell him you like him, that you want to spend time getting to know him, but that you are simply not ready for anything more. Either he will understand or he will leave, and what he does will tell you a lot about the type of person he is.

From the information given--I'd say walk...no....RUN away from this man.

1. He says he loves you already? Much too soon. He's just trying to mark his territory.

2. Jealous? Of flirting with a waiter WITH your friends? That jealous? Already? You should find that frightening, not flattering. You're right--that IS a downfall and could be an indication of a control issue. You know...like abusers have?

3. You're feeling trapped in a relationship you don't even want to have! That's called "manipulation" and you're not interested in that are you?

This is obviously not the guy for you. Here's a thought...how about getting used to the idea of being single? What about YOU choosing when you feel like dating? That might be next week, next month or 2 years from now. and that's what will be "right" for you.

All the best!

After what you've gone through with your jerk of a husband, the last thing you need is a jealous boyfriend. Please tell him that you don't want to date him anymore. You will end up in the fire from the frying pan.

I wouldn't bring guys around your children yet. They are having to deal with the idea of this woman who took their mom's place with their dad. This is too new for them. Adding onto their heads is your ex telling them that you stole money and his children from him, and can you imagine how your children might feel about another man in your life right now? They may believe your ex, thinking that the boyfriend is stealing them from their dad.

Take some time to get back in the dating world, and NEVER put up with a jealous boyfriend. Stick the adjective "jealous" in front of each other adjective you have written about him, and see if it doesn't open your eyes a bit.

You deserve better!!!

Dawn

You're not being horrible. Not at all.

I do think that your hesitation to continue this relationship, in spite of how much you like him, speaks volumes. You're spending a lot of time trying to convince yourself how great he is for you, how much you "should" want to be with him, how amazing he is, how much he already loves you. You also keep saying it took "a long time" to agree to date him and then "a long time" to introduce him to your kids... and the insinuation there is that he hounded you and hounded you until you said yes. And you never said what "a long time" was. A month? Six months? A year?

Then you dropped the bomb that he's very possessive. I also would be concerned if your children are young and not quite into their teens or younger. I just... I see some red flags with this guy. I'm sure he's picking up on your insecurity about being afraid to be alone without a man.

When you have children, when you're this age, just out of a long term relationship and have never, ever been alone... this is the time that you need to figure out who you are without a man. Concentrate on yourself before jumping into another relationship. You need to gain confidence in who you are as a woman, as a mother, as a friend, as a newly single person so that when you ARE ready for a new relationship (which clearly is not now) you'll know what you want and who you want and will be able to stand up for yourself and your children.

So I'm sure you can guess my advice. Let this relationship go and learn how to be your own woman independent of any man. Learn how to be confident. Figure out who you are. If this man is worth anything at all then he'll understand and he won't push it or put a time limit on your need to grow.

Just my 2 cents... I have been through 2 failed marriages. The 1st was with the father of my kids. The 2nd was not only a disaster for me, but for my kids too. I should never have put them through it.

I would suggest getting comfortable in your own skin. Learn to love yourself and be ok with or without a significant other. Don't stay in a relationship because you are afraid you may not find anyone else. It is my STRONG opinion that no relationship at all is better than a bad relationship.

Sounds like a high school crush--gone wild. You have a few red flags here. He finds out you are single again and he starts to message you and wants to date before you are ready, like hey I'm gonna seal the deal. Red Flag
Jealously is always a red fag.
Him trying to get close to your kids -- red flag. Not that he is a predator but if the kids like him and you break up with him the kids will feel bad and miss him.

Tell him to back off -- only agree to see him once a month for drinks maybe dinner. Tell him you want to be free to date others. If he doesn't like that you are much better off without him.

Who told you or where did you come up with this idea of playing the field? I dated several guys after my divorce but always one at a time. The worst people I know "played the field" they are still alone and can't seem to figure out it is that "process" that causes them to be alone.

That said not being alone is an awful reason to be dating. Stand on your own two feet for a while, get to know who you are, what makes you tick. Then when you start dating you will know what you need in a man. Otherwise you will always be looking for not alone.

You don't have to introduce your kids to everyone you date. Three years, four different guys, only one met my kids and he is the one I am married to. He met them the first week we were dating because I knew he was the one. :)

I think you need to let it go. I completely understand that you are not ready to jump into something serious, but your actions are saying something different. It's good that you are telling him how you feel but if you continue to date him and only him the message is the opposite of what you are saying and actions speak louder than words. I know you are in a awkward spot but if you are not ready for his intensity cut it off. Riding the fence on it makes it harder and more confusing for everyone involved. Another concern would be his jealousy. If your gut tells you its something to worry about, leave, don't ignore the warning signs. I also wonder why you told him you flirted with another man? Even if it was just fun flirting. Was it an attempt to get him so mad he would break things off with you? I'm just bringing it up cause its an odd thing to tell the person you are involved with. Good luck!

I think you need to trust your gut, which is telling you that you need some time be just be a single woman and mom. Be comfortable being alone first before you venture into serious dating - that doesn't mean you can't flirt and have fun and be open to the right person in the meantime, but make sure that you're getting comfortable in your own skin and that when you begin dating seriously, it's because you have reached a point in your life where you feel 100% confident and fulfilled on your own and don't "need" a man but would benefit from some companionship and have something to offer to someone too. There are guys out there who are drawn to women in need and they DO NOT make good long-term relationships. Your current beau sounds like one of those guys. When you stop being the person in need, the dynamic of your relationship will change.

This also means not introducing anyone to your kids. I know that the parenting apart classes that are mandatory in my state for parents divorcing with children recommend no dating at all for at least a year and no introducing anyone your dating to your kids until you're serious enough to consider marrying that person. That sounds like wise advice to me. You made the mistake already, and that's not the end of the world but don't make that mistake again.

I wasn't married before, but I was a single mom for 5 years and didn't date anyone for almost 4 years. My current husband was the only guy I dated seriously and the only one I introduced to my son. My son's birth father was a bad guy and really did a number on me - it took a long time before I felt like I was really past that relationship, had my self esteem and clarity back and was ready to go into a relationship as an equal and not some single mom charity case who needed rescuing. I was surprised at how many single, childless guys sort of lit up at the prospect of dating a single mom - I think it played into some sort of hero complex for them - and avoided that type.

So...I think you need to take a break from this guy. If he's meant to be, things will work out in the future on the right time line. The time for this relationship isn't now - you know what you have to do, so go ahead and do it and move on.

Please take a "break" from dating anyone. I know you think he is someone great, but you know your heart and your instincts. Why is he rushing you? No man worth having is going to rush you and your kids into a marriage.

Personally I would end it with him, take some time to focus on me, and make sure I don't rush into anything. Frankly there are lots of men out there. If you lose him, you are losing out on more of this. Remember, after marriage, people let their true colors show.

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your kids.

I think you need to back off and let this cool down. I see red flags.

You need to get used to being single and focus on your children. Show yourself and your children that you are strong and can do this.

It may take a while but embrace being with your children and being single. Don't jump head over heels for the first guy that along.

This high school old crush sounds scary.... jealous, already loves you, etc... Focus on you and your family. Follow the guy instinct you already have which is to let him go.

You're not being horrible, your hurt and lonely. This man may seem nice, but he's jealous and being manipulative. Take a deep breath and end this relationship - you are NOT alone, and you will be ok. You know in your heart and in your gut that this is what you need to do, and we fellow moms are telling you that you are RIGHT to get out - you're already starting to make the right decisions :)

I want to give you big hugs. Try to give yourself a break and some time to heal. You do NOT have to play the field. That's not what's "expected" of you. And if people in your life are telling you that this is what you should be doing, you need different friends. Look online for support groups for divorced moms so you don't feel so alone.

Right now, you need to NOT date - the only person you should be dating is YOU. You need to discover who you are without a man in your life. You need to concentrate on and strengthen your relationship with your children - they are your focus. My mother, who is now on husband #5, kept looking for a man to "take care of her" - the focus was on her. She destroyed her relationship with both her daughters because of it. Serial dating will damage your children so don't go there. Be social, but not "available". Build friendships.

Fill the hole that your ex left with YOURSELF! Your kids will appreciate you for it for years!

His one downfall -- that he's a very jealous type -- is a HUGE downfall as far as I'm concerned. I would never want to be in a relationship with someone like that because they end up controlling your life, or you change your life to fit their jealous requirements. Get rid of him now before it becomes more difficult. Tell him you're not ready and you want to focus on your kids and yourself -- and then do that. You don't need a man. And especially not a jealous, bossy one.

I read your first post as well, and I am so so sorry for your pain. You should move at the speed you are comforable with. If he can't understand, he is not right for you at this time. You do need someone or people to lean on. Like close friends or close relatives. You need to protect yourself right now and focus on you and your kids right now. Please m me if you need to chat! I will be prating for comfort for you
victoria

My take on dating in general is that it's not about finding a mate. It's about learning who you are and who other people are, what's going on in the world around you. This was my approach to dating before I finally got married. I think that you should be honest with this guy--"Hey, I'm not ready to xyz." Just because he says he is is not reason for you to forego your health and healing. What you want and need is just as important as what he wants and needs, but if you don't ever address it, you won't get it. And nobody else will know what your expectations are. Be honest with yourself and exercise your conversation muscles. Stay up to date on how to hear people and respond to them. You know how you can sometimes look back on a situation and wish that you had said or done something differently? In a nutshell, dating is practicing that.

Example: I have a friend who is almost 40 and has never had a real boyfriend, let alone been close to marriage. She doesn'treally know how to relate to men in that way because most of her male friends are gay. She'll relay a story to me of how she had this or that exchange with some guy, and I have to let her know that he was coming on to her. She doesn't know how to hear men when they say certain things. She complains that if he wanted this, then he would/should do that, and I have to tell her that men who like women don't tend to act like that. Her gay friends tend to be dramatic and put their business all out there. She was expecting that from one guy who was an associate of some other friends and who seemed to be really interested in her. I told her that men generally do not want to have that initial getting-to-know-you conversation in the presence of all your friends. He'll probably want to take you on a date, or maybe even have a couple of people around. This guy put his interest out there and then separated that from his work with the other guys. My point is that I've told her that she should spend more time chatting with men who like women so that she can get a better understanding of how she wants to relate with heterosexual men.

Do you hear me? Be s student of you. Use these interactions to learn what makes you laugh and cry, what you would and would not do for money, how it would make you feel for someone to say or do that to you and then how you might respond to it.... Anyone can maintain ideals in a vacuum. The challenge comes when you have to consider how this would actually work in the world you live in. It can be beyond frustrating and lonely, but it can also be fun and exciting.

I think you're being very reasonable.

You probably need to break it off with this guy. I don't like that he's the jealous type - not because that's always bad - it works for some people, but for you, in such a time of transition, you don't need to be worrying about whether you're making him jealous or not.

You need to be free to do what feels right to you - not feel trapped into a relationship you didn't want to begin with. You don't need to feel guilty about this person when you're still trying to get back to who YOU are. YOU are the only person (besides your kids) who should have any say in how you choose to rebuild your life.

If, later, after doing whatever it is you want to do (go out with your friends, flirt, dance, whatever!!!) you find yourself still thinking about him and "what could have been" then get back in touch with him and see where it goes.

You two are in completely different places right now, and if he can't respect that, then I would be surprised if you find, down the road, he doesn't respect other things ... like you.

1) If you flirt with a waiter (or whomever) DON'T TELL YOUR BOYFRIEND!! (or your husband or your date). Nothing good can come of that. Why on earth would you be telling him? Not everything you do needs to be shared. Flirt for your self esteem if you must, but keep it private.

2) He told you he thinks he loves you after one date? Did I understand your post correctly? If so, that is not a good sign.

3) Don't ever be with someone because of fear -- because you are afraid another good guy won't come along, or whatever your fear is. You commit with him because time has determined that the two of you are a good match and you love each other. If you don't feel ready, you HAVE to risk losing him.

4) Something just sounds wrong about your relationship from everything you wrote. Keep dating. (Subtly, as you have been doing -- your child does not need to know about your dates.)

I agree with OneandDone.

I would tread lightly, for 2 main reasons.

#1 being you are not ready for a huge commitment or a serious relationship. You have not had ANY alone time or time to heal. You deserve & need that.

#2 being that you mentioned he was jealous of you being flirted with & jealous of your kids. Jealousy is a huge deal breaker & relationship killer, especially if he can't handle the fact that you have 4 kids that need attention, and that they are more important than he is.

I think you need to be honest with him. In my opinion, it sounds like you are scared to be alone, and scared to ruin what you think is a good thing. You need alone time. You need time to heal. You need time to get to know yourself. You need to explain to him that if the jealousy continues, you will not tolerate it & it will not work for you. If he can't understand that, then he's not "the one".

Being alone is not necessarily a bad thing. Take the time to get to know the grown up you. You have gone through a very difficult time and so have your kids. You have mentioned you feel this is moving too fast and you aren't ready for something that this has turned into. Then put the brakes on. If he is in love with you, he will be willing to slow things down. I would be curious as to his history. Is he divorced? Does he have kids?

My suggestion is to cool things with this guy for now. Get to know you. Help your kids deal with all this fall out.