Daddy Doesnt Seem to Want to Help Anymore!

Hi T.,
Personally, I think it's a bunch of bologna when people say we need to cut the daddy's some slack because they've been at work all day. For me a day at work is much easier (not more enjoyable, but easier) than a day at home. And I work with children all day! I think it's totally reasonable for him to help out and I think a good long sit down conversation is in order for the two of you. My husband falls into doing less ALL the time. We just have a conversation and I tell him how I feel that he's viewing what I do at home as less of a job than his is and he steps up to the plate. They just forget and slack off.:-) You aren't being unreasonable, maybe he just really needs to know how you feel.

This happens to me from time to time with my husband. I try really hard to remember that he as put in a full days work too. Sometimes when I am home and he is out it is hard to remember that he works so hard. I just ask for a little help now and then and he steps up when I let him know how tired I am. New dads go through the same things as new moms....in their own way. My husband helps out more on his days off than on his days of work. Good luck and keep trying! It actually does get easier!

Right now he's not sounding like an amazing guy......but he's not the first guy to consider taking care of the children the women's responsibility. If he works all day, I can understand why at night when he's sleeping, he doesn't get up and help with the kids, BUT...when he's home in the evening, he can give you all the attitude he wants....I'd still hand him the baby and the bottle and take a 15 minute break. Take a bath, run to the store ALONE, or whatever. It can be VERY overwhelming for new moms. This is a partnership you are not him momma, housekeeper,surrogate mother to his kids....you are partners. At work they would fire someone who didn't pull their weight....as a daddy he needs to pull his weight. He was there when jr was conceived and he needs to contribute to some of the care that comes with it. Talk to him and come to some agreement. Express your feelings and if he's really that wonderful guy you say he is, he will step up to the plate....if not then move on because it will only get worse.

I had this problem with my husband. I arranged it for him to watch our daughter by himself for 3 days, I was not reachable by phone (on purpose). This solved our problems better than me trying to tell him. He was way more helpful after that & always willing to give me at least a 1 hour break for sleep. I take this trip annually now, just so he doesn't forget.

Most men just don't get it until they live it. They think stay at home moms have it so great & we are just wining. Well it's a job 24/7 the only real 24/7/365 there is, & if he had to pay someone to take care of the kids, shop, cook & clean it would cost bunches. Maybe you could go that route. The money he wants for some fun activity or thing he wants can go to a sitter, since he doesn't want to give you a break.

You could do what my sister-in-law resorted to, don't do his laundry anymore, eat before he gets home & make it difficult for him to eat(no instant adult food or drink accept water), don't buy anything he needs or asks for. Leave the minute he gets home and leave the kids at home without telling him where you are going or when you will be back (make sure your cell phone is off, the kids won't die). Come back at 9 or 9:30, use the time away wisely, get your grocery shopping done or park the car in a quite place & take a nap (brig pillow & blanket).
Hope this helps. A short time of that got my brother right in line.

You have 3 'little' boys, and your fiance is the 3rd. Men sometimes suffer from baby rivalry, much like sibling rivalry. They're competing with the kids for your attention and it makes no sense at all as we, the moms, try to juggle all the balls of housework, childcare, meal prep, and then having to tend to 'Daddy'. He is working to support the family, and depending on the nature of his work and the number of hours he's working, he's probably dead tired when he comes home and just wants to unwind. The good news for you is that it's summer quarter and you probably don't have classes right now, so that gives you a little bit of 'room'. Two kids under 2 is a challenge, so you need to sit down and talk with your guy. There is going to be some sleep deprivation on your part for a few more months. You'll need to cat nap when the kids go down during the day. On weekends when 'Dad' is home, broker a deal with him to care for the kids so you get an extra hr of sleep in the morning and he gets up with the kids during the night. While he's home, use the time to make up meals for a week in advance and put them in the freezer. See if he can't take your shopping list and the toddler to the grocery store and do the shopping. It will give him some one on one time with the toddler, you the time you need with the baby, so you're not juggling two babies at the same time. You might get a nap with the baby while they're gone and re-charge your batteries. It's not going to be easy. Babies and Dads don't come with instruction manuals or guarantees to keep on schedule, be helpful or self sufficient. If your Mom or a close friend can come over and give you a break right now with an hour or two of housework help or just watch the kids so you can catch-up it might help. But most importantly, you need to tell your 'big boy' what you need and not assume he's aware. He's pretty focused on what he needs from you and he's not even thinking about what it is that you're doing or wanting. Lots of luck!!!

Hey T.. I feel your pain. When our daughter was born, my husband was all but absent both emotionally and physically. He said he couldnt relate to her because she didnt "talk". I thought he was just a jerk. Eventually he warmed up to her and began to take steps to help in her care. However, I realized that often times I would make him feel incapable and like I was always watching him to make sure he was doing things "my way". That was my mistake (and I still do this sometimes today). I try to control everything and tell him what to do when it comes to our daughter. Now, I have stepped back and let him take their relationship in the direction he wants to take it and they have really gotten close. My fantasy of raising our daughter as "perfect parents" is not exactly coming true, but at least I have stepped back a little and given him some control over her life which makes him want to be more involved. I am not saying this is what you do because it seems like you are just going it alone because he is unwilling to help. In my case I was kind of discouraging him from helping and then yelling at him for it. I find that Dad's sometimes have a harder time bonding with their children (especially newborns) than the mothers do. With time, I think your fiance will see what he is missing and join in on the fun.

It could be a lot of things. Could be your postpartum hormones being extra sensitive. Could be that he doesn't see how hard it is to be a SAHM. Could be that he's overwhelmed and his way to cope is to retreat. I personally don't think you're overreacting at all. With a 4 week old, your body isn't able to do everything you used to do. Even though it'll be hard, find a time when both kids are sleeping and make a plan with your fiance of how everything is going to get done that needs to get done. Yes, he's the source of income, but your value as a SAHM needs to be considered too. How much would it be to have both kids in daycare everyday? How much would it cost to have a housecleaner and cook? That's getting close to your financial contribution to the household.

You are in a tough situation, T., and I deeply sympathize. (My first marriage was much like what you describe, and in my case, I stuck it out far longer than I should have.) But as Karma mentioned, many men don't relate well to babies, and your fiance may come around as that helpless infant stage passes. You can work toward that.

I suggest you investigate Non-Violent Communication in whatever spare moments you can find for yourself. It teaches you how to speak in terms of needs, which everyone has, so everyone can relate. And the aim is to explore the needs of the person with whom you are trying to communicate, so that you can treat them with respect and empathy. It helps you sort through what are actual feelings (always natural and legitimate) and what are our concepts based on our emotions (subjective and often judgemental and counterproductive).

Done well, this can open up communication so they can also hear and empathize with your needs. It's a technique my husband and I have learned to use when we have a difference of opinion, and it is powerful, even when used by only one person.

You can google Non-Violent Communication or NVC for all kinds of resources, many free. There are also books, videos, and classes available.

I'd like to also mention that I was struck by the way you describe your sons: "They are my whole world." Where does this leave your fiance, and might he be resentful of the children? It could be something important to consider, especially as you contemplate marriage.

I wish you well.

Dear T.,
I know how stressful having a new baby can be for a couple. When my husband and I became parents for the first time, he really struggled because he suddenly felt invisable. He felt like he wasn't number one to me because I was so preoccupied with all that is involved with being a new mom and he wasn't getting the attention he had before from me. He was also really feeling the stress of the new responsibility of being a parent. I would suggest that you ask someone you trust to watch both kids for an hour or so and take your fiance out for an icecream run, coffee, or whatever you like to do together so you can talk. Start by telling him what you love about him, then tell him what you appreciate about him as a new father. Focus on what he does, even if it isn't a lot, not what he hasn't been doing. Really praise him- they like that. Talk to him about your new son and how he needs to bond with his dad, and focus on how important a father is and will be in his life. Tell him how much you appreciate how hard he works to bring an income in for your family as the sole provider. End by sharing how much you need his help, how it really makes a difference when he feeds the baby or changes a diaper. Ask him to do something very specific, and it doesn't have to be huge, to help you that day. Then when he does it, dish out the praise. Make going out for an hour or so a tradition that the two of you do on a regular basis so you can reconnect. Its hard sometimes but totally worth it. Good luck!

Whether it is normal Dad behavior or not isn't really the question because not all fathers are good fathers, and I am assuming that you won't be happy with a selfish dead beat dad. It sounds to me like your fiance is selfish and is getting away with everything he can now that the honeymoon phase is over. Since you are not yet married, be sure to seriously consider whether he is the kind of dad your kids deserve (no dad is better that one that treats them in a way that makes them question their worth), and whether he is going to make a good husband. No man changes for the better once they get married. They are on their best behavior in the beginning of relationships and it slowly turns into their real self. Be sure that you are willing to accept and live forever with a little worse than he is now. You don't want to have to drag your kids through a divorce in 5 years.

It is possible that there is something big going on in his life that is stressing him out and causing him to act like a jerk. For some reason, stress is manifested as jerk in most men. Find out if something at work is different, or if he is worrying about finances, or if he is scared about something in the family situation. If his change is sudden, then chances are he is just in over his head and needs some support that he refuses to ask for.

Good luck

T.,
It has been my exoerience that some dads are just not that helpful when the kids are little. I know it sucks and always feels like you are doing everything! I say really talk with him and let him know that you MUST have some help...even if it is just putting the kids to bed OR just bath time. Explain to him that by him helping out and doing just one small thing a day would make your life so very much more tolerable. Hopefully he'll get it and understand where you are coming from. It usually takes dads a bit longer to feel the pressure because they rarely have to be the ones handling all things kids related 24/7.---I say give it some time. Just wait till he has had to have them all by himself a couple times...I'm sure he'll get it then:)

*With my kids I also felt that dad didn't help enough when they were little. He did do bath time and would usually change diapers and put on pj's and put them to bed and even though it doesn't seem like alot, for me, that was all I needed ...just a lil' break and the end of the day.---He has turned out to be a supurb 'older' kid dad...he feels more comfortable and confident now that they are older:)

Hope this helps,
K.

P.S.
I also have a Wyatt...love it!

Daddy needs to buck up. My husband works 40 hours a week AND I expect equal work when he gets home....respecting the children in the process. Don't stand for it. And don't marry him if he doesn't seem to want to work on changing. This will continue if you don't tell him what you want or need. Good luck. Be strong and tell him what you want and need.

Hello,

I believe that any family that welcomes a new baby into it has to cope with the stress that comes with having a baby. Especially mothers, it seams. I would suggest that you cope with your partner the same way you will have to cope with a toddler - which is: praise extensively for any little thing that is done correctly, give positive comments about their worth and the importance of their role in the family; model the behavior you want -- and, at the end of the day, if you need help and are not getting it, find it elsewhere. That means you may have to meet other moms who are willing to watch your kids for a half hour or hour or call a relative who can help, or, even though finances may be tight, you may want to hire a babysitter for 2 hours a week just so that you can take a nap.

Alaska Mom

Frankly, being engaged is not the same as being married. A fiance, by definition, is NOT AS COMMITTED as a HUSBAND is. I don't think you really have the right to be complaining as if he is your husband, who had TAKEN A VOW BEFORE GOD AND OTHER PEOPLE TO LOVE YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. He's not really obligated to you at this point. GET MARRIED, and then you'll have the right to complain. Then you'll have the right to say, "listen, we are partners and we have a loooong-term job to raise these kids so let's BOTH give it one hundred percent. I am feeling the need for some support here and here's how:"

Maybe this guy is regretting his carefree days before he got involved with you and had a kid. Maybe that's why he is giving you attitude and doesn't seem to want to help with the kids. I think you should ask him that. "Do you miss those carefree days before you got involved with me and we made a baby?" "Do you wish you could go back to that?" "What do you think your obligation is now that we HAVE made this baby?" "Do you REALLY want to marry me, enjoy my companionship for the rest of your life, have my support for the rest of YOUR life? Well, let's get on with it -- let's GET MARRIED and BE that loving companion to each other!"

If he doesn't really want to be with you, better to find out now so you can make other plans and move on.

ps A wedding is just a party, but a marriage makes your own future and that of your children much more secure than being a single mother or in a temporary shack-up position. It is very easy to go to a justice of the peace at the county courthouse. that's what I did. married 16 years.

He does need to help more, and make sure you get some sleep. Is he unsure of himself with the baby? My Hubby never wanted to do baths or diapers at the start, and it was because the baby seemed so tiny and fragile, he was afraid of doing something wrong or too hard or something and hurting the little guy. We started slow with him handling the baby more so he would get comfortable with it.

What a crummy situation. I have a couple of thoughts. The first is that obviously this is unacceptable. Even if you are going to a 1950s model where it's your job to do all the kid stuff, it was acknowledged then that in these very early years, children are hard to take care of and dads should help. You are still in postpartum recovery! Your energy levels are depleted and you're not getting any sleep. You need some backup. He needs to man up and help YOU, and if it makes it easier for him to think of it that way (taking care of you rather than taking care of the babies) then so be it.

Bottom line is, you DO need rest. I know how brutal it is trying to function on no sleep--it makes you literally crazy. Plus the first time you get a bad cold, which you are more susceptible to being so exhausted, Mr. Fiancee is going to have to take over. So you need to rest and he needs to get with it. You MUST find a friend or relative, even just once a week, to watch them so you can catch up on your rest. Doing it for you means you are doing it for them too.

Kristy's idea of writing him a letter is a good one. I have also found letters to be useful--lets me present a case calmly, and it lets the reader absorb what you're saying without leaping to defend himself.

Humans are not programmed to tolerate infants' crying, but they do seem to have 2 different responses: run away from it or run to do something about it. Encourage him to do the second thing, not the first. In fact, whenever you "catch him" doing something good, give him thanks and encouragement. (That doesn't mean he's doing enough, I know, but every stroke helps.)

My words to you (I wouldn't say it this way to him) are: You are doing your part for this family--doing all of the childcare (and housework) AND studying so you can bring in an income. He needs to go beyond the 8-hour effort, not just until you get back on your feet, but for the long haul. Meanwhile you have been toughing it out, and I'm proud of you!

Dear T.,
Don't worry. Most men go through this when there is a newborn in the house. My husband is the same way with our girls. I think if you give your fiance the space he needs it will give him a more positive experience with his child later on. Now that my girls are 1 year old my husband loves to play with them and watch them because they've become more independent. Baby's are harder to handle for the first 9 months. Yes, it does mean you will have to handle the baby by yourself but I was able to handle it on my own with my twin girls. That was hard for me. But with my husband working to support our family I understood how stressed he was. I think also a lot of the frustration that comes from your fiance could be caused because he feels inadequate when he's around the baby, whether you're there or not. Stick it out and spend as much time as you can with your precious baby and it will pay off for you and your husband in the end.

Hey T.
Your amazing does not seem so amazing if you feel he yells all the time and does not want to help. I assme at least on of the children is his. He helped to make it so h should help to take care of it. I know he probably thinks since he brings home the money you can take care of the other things. WRONG! Tell him you need help and what he can do to help.
Paula

You have every right to expect him to help, and he should be helping. This seems to be very common with men, but it doesn't mean your feelings are unfounded or wrong. I had this problem after my first was born. I tried to talk to my husband and he seemed to check out. So I wrote him a letter instead. It made a world of difference. I'm not sure why. But I don't think it would hurt for you to try. Good luck! Yes, stress him with it, they are HIS kids too!

You work full time too (more than full time in fact - all the time). Your work is not a paid position so its getting overlooked/undervalued. I would try to explain it in a non-attacking way so he can better understand what you are saying regarding helping out and that you too have a full-time job and need help from him when he is home.

Clearly identify how you would like him to help. Also, try to show as much gratitude for what he does do to be helpful and gratitude for being the one that brings in the income. Gratitude/appreciation can be infectious...

Before staying home, I had a huge discussion with my husband about my "new job as a sahm" and that we need to think of it as a paid position - half his salary... so it doesn't get trivialized and so we don't think of our money as "his" money.

No, this is not normal or acceptable! Your fiance should not be yelling at you and making you feel bad for asking for his help. He is probably stressed about the new baby but it sounds like he isn't handling it very well. You definitely need to talk to him and let him know how you feel and that you need his help! It's not enough for him to work fulltime...he still needs to change diapers and help with the kids at night. Sounds like he might need a parenting class.