Dad Wants to Threaten the School

My ex threatens to sue everyone but when faced with actually paying for it backs down. I wouldn't worry about it.

Tell me if this sounds about right, no one is going to treat my child like that!! I am going to get my attorney on this!! Blah blah blah!! All about look at me I am a good dad? If that is the case he is probably all talk like my ex.

Suing over what... nothing has happened yet and the situation appears to have calmed down. If he wants to sue, tell him to go right on ahead, but he will be paying for it. It sounds like she probably has a little crush on this kid. Really, if he wants to go after anyone, it should be the parents of the kid...

I love the martial arts idea B had. Maybe see if she can take a class with her dad. It might calm him down and also give them something to do together.

I'd tell him "Go ahead and make a fool out of yourself, AND make it so that your daughter never tells you anything ever again. You won't win the suit and you'll pay out the wazoo for the attorney fees." Then ignore him.

Your ex sounds like a drama queen (king) and maybe this is one reason you two aren't married anymore...

Your daughter will learn by the way he treats her whether or not to talk to him about her life. You just keep doing what you are doing, guiding her well. And yes, sometimes our kids have to learn the hard way that when we give them advice, they should listen. I would not try to make her feel "better" about having talked to him. Don't sugarcoat your ex. He is a douchebag for not stepping up to parenting. Instead of accepting that he has hurt his daughter by not being there for her, he is instead wanting to punish someone else for lesser offenses, namely the school.

Once he pays some money to a lawyer for going in and talking about it and the lawyer asks for a retainer, he might think twice about doing it. Meanwhile, if the school does hear from the lawyer, tell the school that as long as your daughter doesn't get hurt by this boy, you will not be helping your ex with his lawyer.

Good luck!
Dawn

It's great that he wants to protect her, and maybe he's overreacting because he feels guilty or because he's afraid of what some boys do to girls. She can't change schools every time someone is mean. She has to learn to build a backbone, to not want the approval of every guy who's out there, and to make good choices of friends. (Like, WHY does she want this boy's friendship? What makes her think that kids very different in age will have a lot in common? Why does she need to be liked by this boy? -- these are questions she will be asking herself throughout her teen years and beyond. It's how we all learn to deal with men!)

I would think that a lawyer would either bounce your husband out of his office or happily take a big chunk of money from your husband to pursue something frivolous. Depends on the type of person the lawyer is. I don't know if you can stop him, but you can tell him you don't support such a drastic action and you will not cooperate. You could also suggest a meeting with you, your ex, and the head of the school for starters. I'm not sure he's open to listening that you always handle things and will handle this too. It may make him even more motivated to step up to the plate after years of doing nothing.

I'd tell your daughter that it's nice her daddy wants to support her when she's had her feelings hurt, but that sometimes kids just have to work these things out for themselves. A whole lot of drama is going to make her last year there a miserable one.

This sounds like my stepson's mom. When he was younger, she only came out of the woodwork & acted concerned for appearances, for the "big" things, like making sure everyone saw her at the hospital when SD was sick. 99% of the time she was too busy with herself to be involved in the important day to day stuff.

Since I'd say your ex's motives are purely selfish and really have nothing to do with your daughter, I'd urge you to talk some sense into him. Unless the other kid has done something atrocious to your child and it's documented and the school has done nothing to stop it, then I don't think he has much of a case, anyway.

You told your child to stay away from this boy, she didn't, and he made fun of her. Hopefully that's the end of it and she's learned her lesson.

If he wants to try suing over hurt feelings - good luck with that.
It seems to me she's getting a LOT of attention from DAD by telling him about this boy.
If she doesn't go near the boy again, she loses Dad's attention.
Best thing for this is to approach it sideways.
Sign her up for taekwondo.
It gives her other ways to relate to boys and something else to talk about with Dad.

Sounds like normal kid stuff. The word bullied is now used for everything. This is part of growing up. He hurt her feelings. That is not bullying. Your ex should stay out of it or you will all look like fools.

Am I misreading or am I understanding that at this point in time, there's isn't ANYTHING going on?

We can't MAKE people like our kids.
I don't get his reaction.
Sorry--I guess I am either missing something or I'm being no help.

Ha - I'm with B, good luck suing over hurt feelings. Good grief! And I think that you are just right on with telling her to stay away from him. She chose not to and that's her consequence. Speaking as an educator, if the hurt party can't commit to playing with someone else, there's no guarantee that they won't get hurt feelings again. She made a conscious choice to continue being friends with him - she has some responsibility in this too. Also, boys are going to hurt her feelings all her life whether they mean to or not (she'll hurt some boys' feelings too!). You want to know why it's important for her to be friends with him? I'll tell you why - she has a crush on him, he gives her attention, something like that. Easy!

Tell him that if he wants your daughter, you and him to be blacklisted from everything then by all means-go ahead and sue. If I were in your school and I got wind that you sued the school for something like this I would not associate with you NOR would my children be able to associate with yours. We would avoid you at all costs. Additionally I would probably let people know so that they can make the judgment call as to whether or not they want THEIR kids playing with yours. The way that I would see it is that I would want to be told something like that. A litigious person is someone most would want to avoid.

Suing for something like this is SO not cool and in my mind one of the biggest problems that we have in our country.

I would ask him to please follow proper channels or just, "I appreciate your concern for our daughter. However, I have spoken to the school and do not feel that legal action is necessary. I am monitoring the situation." If he wants to speak to the principal/school, here is the information.

I would also tell the school that this is not about you, but that he is doing this on his own. My DH's ex only contacted the coaches to throw her weight around and it backfired on SS. When the coach got reamed after SS whined to BM (because SS had messed up and the coach wasn't sympathetic enough to suit SS), the coach then got more upset with SS. His feeling was that he'd had a man to man talk with SS, and when SS didn't like it, he brought Mommy in - a mother they hadn't heard from in 2 seasons, so she really didn't know what was going on. DH told SS that HE wasn't going to apologize for BM. SS brought her behavior on himself b/c he knows how she gets.

I would also ask DD what she told her father (or ask him what she told him) because maybe she's playing for sympathy. We would say, "SD, you need to brush your hair before you go out." and SD would tell her mom we yelled at her and called her ugly. What parent wouldn't be upset about that? But was it TRUE?

I also think that getting to the bottom of WHY she wants to be friends with this kid is important. If she would just stop hanging out with him, it would be better. Is he popular?

He's going to sue the school because the former bully said something that made her cry? So, he'll be suing people all her life because her feelings are hurt. Life ain't fair and dad can't fix everything and nor should he. Dads can go to the extreme sometime. They mean well, but are impulsive. Tell him that you will deal with it your way. But you will look foolish contacting the school because he hurt her feelings. If he threatens he that's different.

Talk to your daughter. Now that she sees how this boy is, hopefully she will stay away from him. If he continues to bully her, then contact the school.

I would love to see what kind of a lawyer would even take on a silly case like this. Tell him you don't agree with his response but go ahead with it if he wants but you will not have anything to do with it. Also tell him if he pursues this, that you will notify the school that you will have no involvement in his actions.

If he hasn't been an involved dad then he is just blowing smoke and doubtful that he will go thru with this.

Trust between a child and a parent is a fragile thing. I can understand where Dad is coming from, but I it is easier and more rewarding to barge in with legal threats than to actually give your time to work with the school.

I think that if your daughter is feeling safe (beyond the hurt emotions) and not physically in danger, that it is best to wait. In most cases, these things do work themselves out.

Unless there has been a failure on the school's side to follow their procedures and/or your daughter HAS been physically injured because of the bullying, then bringing in lawyers is going to put up a wall for your daughter from most male students, some female students, and some teachers.

Your daughter's father wants to threaten legal action against the school because a boy who used to bully your daughter isn't actually bullying her any more? What, because the boy "said something" that hurt her feelings?

Look, these children are 8 years old. Children get their feelings hurt. You don't get threat happy and lawsuit happy over twaddle like this. Instead, you let the child know that there's a difference between being bullied and having your feelings hurt.

I would say nothing, let the fool spend money on an attorney, the private school has an attorney too. If your former husbands doesn't go through an attorney and makes a verbal threat he may be biting off more then he can chew.

I would also consider sending your child to a different school. "Don't want to rip her out"? If you are concerned about her saftey I wouldn't consider a change ripping her out.

The boy can note prosecuted until age 11 or older I was told by a Texas attorney. He will not win. Big lawsuits are due to big injuries and serious neglect. Normal kid stuff will not be like hitting the powerball lottery.

When my older son was in grade two he was in a 2/3 split class. One of the grade three boys bullied my son and made life miserable for him for a short time. When my son spoke up there was a meeting between him, the bully and the principal. It was amazing what talking about these things can do. The boys came out of the meeting friends. They were friends both in and out of school. For my son to have a friend in the older grade was a huge benefit to him, and especially when my son goes to middle school next year he will have a friend there waiting for him. Anyway, I would encourage this friendship. (Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.) As for his hurting her feelings, that happens in every friendship from time to time. I doubt it is evidence that he is again bullying her. I suspect that for some bullies the behaviour is an attempt to get the attention of a child they want to befriend, but they just don't have the social skills. (Like when a boy pulls a girls pigtails because he likes her.) I certainly wouldn't pull her out of school or involve a lawyer because she has had her feelings hurt.

No lawyer is going to take on something like this. There is NO case. What I would tell him is thank you so much for being concerned and caring about our daughter-however, I have already taken care of this problem. I assure you that if there anything else, I will let you know and we can work it out. But getting a lawyer is a bit extreme since you haven't talked with them or been to the school in 5 years or however many years. Tell your daughter to stop hanging around him b/c he will hurt her again and what is the point of be friends with someone who hurts you? GL

Stand up to him and tell him that he's being silly (I could use better words but I won't here). It's irrational and he's only going to alienate her or make her dependent rather than a strong independent girl. I know the kind of dad, I think my kid's dad was like that and and I've heard him make threats when he's trying to "protect" his kids. Never has he acted on it, it's all fluff but it's still scary to think what would happen if he really did it. Tell him it's not best for her. Get a second opinion from someone he cares to listen to (his mom?).

A few scenarios exist:
If she's looking for dad's attention, she'll continue to do things to get it.She won't feel bad about telling dad and getting the reaction because it's what she wanted. In that case, tell her dad that she's acting out to get his attention and perhaps he could do things like hang out with her if he really is interested in helping her out.

If she's concerned about dad's reaction and she's not just looking for attention, explain to her that dad is just being protective but everything will be okay. Don't make a big deal about it in front of her, always remain calm. If you guys get upset, she'll be upset that she caused it. Tell your husband that his behaviour will cause her to refrain from being open with him since she will fear his violent reaction.

As for the boy, they are kids, any reason could be so. Maybe she likes him. Maybe what she tells you is just her being hurt because he doesn't like her back. I'd go for perhaps a teacher/school counselor intervention if it's really a bully situation. They will also be able to find out if it's not so much bullying but classic emotional frustration.

Good luck!

Have you told the ex, "If you pursue this legally, it will get back to her; I will not tell her, certainly, but parents will find out and then kids will find out that you are going after the school legally -- and it will get back to her. It could have a couple of effects on HER: She likely will at the least have to explain to other kids why you're doing this (and she really can't, she's too young); she will possibly get bullied by other kids if she's seen as 'causing problems for the school'; and the worst long-term consequence is likely to be that she will clam up and stop telling either of us anything about problems she has at school, because she will fear that if she tells either of us, we will react in ways that make things worse for her, or could."

It's sad that he is over-reacting so vehemently and you have it nailed that he's doing so because he's "making up" for being a slacker of a dad for so long (and for still doing only the minimum). Is there a chance that he's also a bit of a blowhard who talks tough but won't really go through with this? I would think that might be the case here -- he might be blustering to appear to be doing something but when it comes down to the cost of a lawyer, might fade away.

This will not be the last time you and he and a school must all have dealings with each other. Once this is done, can you somehow talk to him about how you both should proceed with schools from now on? Are you the "lead parent" who does all the school contact or does he insist on stepping in? Does he get any information from the school sent directly to him? Does he want that? Does he even try to attend positive things involving school, like your daughter's events there (parent-teacher conferences, social events, etc.)? Does he acknowledge that you are the principal or only contact for the school re: your child?

Once this year is over and she changes schools, that might be a good excuse to sit down and say "Let's work out who does what re: school contact and school events." Do make him feel he can attend events and conferences, if you can be that cordial together. The fact he may feel guilty about not being a dad could be an opening to getting him to be more positively involved in her life -- IF you can curb the over-reactions and meddling with what you are already doing with the school.

Hmm...what sounds like an absentee dad who is overbearing and controling when he is around and what sounds like her desire to befriend a dismissive male peer who is likely not just teasing her because he likes her....more likely because he can. Sounds to me like the start of a bad pattern. If your daughter does not have a strong male influence in her life to model respect and healthy relationships - to help her set and maintain boundaries - you might want to consider counseling (preferably with a male counselor) at some point - you may just save her a lot of future heartache. Much luck to you - and I agree - let dad pound on his chest - he'll stop soon enough - he sounds like high on threats and low on action. Strongly tell him that it's important for her to learn to deal with these situations and that moving in to "fix" things will only make it worse for her. Tell your daughter that she was not wrong for telling adults about her problem, but all adults have limitations - her judgment was not wrong, and his reaction could be much more effective than it is. Troubleshoot for next time with her so that she knows it's ok to keep coming to you and that you expect it. Personally, I wouldn't try to tell her that his reaction is not over the top - it is, and she needs that reality check. However, you can deliver that message without being judgmental, and she also needs that.

Regardless of his past involvement with the school, he is her dad and he has every right to protect her...including hiring a lawyer if necessary. However, the two of you should become a united front. I would not want to pull her out part way through the school year unless absolutely necessary but sometimes you have to do what you have to do to keep her safe. The school should be willing to take action (including suspension and/or expulsion if necessary) since he is at fault not your daughter.

Go to the school together and discuss what has happened, what steps you and the school have taken, and what new has heppened since. Discuss together what steps need to be taken and/or how your daughter is expected to handle things going forward (does the school also want her to stay clear of him?). It is ok to let them know that you are not afraid to go the route of a lawyer if it becomes necessary.

I think the dad is trying to handle it because you are not handling it. She should have been pulled out the first time it happened when the school did not deal with it. (The initial bullying incident when she was physically hurt)
I read your post when you posted before about him bullying her and you have done nothing. It is now affecting her psychologically because she is trying to fit in with the bully to get relief. You do nothing and so dad has to over react. There is no normal.

********** Reading others responces, I wished they had read about how he was actually bulling her before this hurt feelings moment.

he has a right to handle it because he is her father. Why would you not want to "rip her out" (remove) her from a bad situtation? You are teaching her that she has to stay, she has no way of escaping, and there is nothing that can be done to stop placing yourself in a dangerouse enviornment. I would be annoyed as your ex husband is that this is still going on and I would feel the need to stand up for my child still being bullied by this same kid. Because your kindness is not helping her as much as she needs.

This is why it is healthy for a man and woman to raise a child. Men think logically and women think emotionally. It sounds and looks like your both extreams on either side. If you could come together and agree on how to handle this with both of your finding a medium and what is BEST (not most extream) for your daughter I think she might have a chance for a happy school year...some where.