Dad Wants 50/50 - Week On/week Off

I think you are absolutely right. If he wants to be a good dad, then he needs to put his KIDS first, not his pride or what is most convenient for him. Young children need their mommies most (I am not dumping on dads, they are very important, too.) Maybe he could think of other ways to see the kids more often without making them "travel" overnight. He could pick them up in the morning for breakfast & then take them to school, or have a regular lunch date/picnic every week. Something fun, so he won't have to be the heavy, since he seems to avoid that. The kids will love to see him , but have the stability of one home, one bed, one toothbrush.

Hi Kristin

My brothers (now grown) went through the 50/50 thing with my dad and stepmother and they really hated it. They said it was very disruptive and they never felt settled. Children, as you know, really crave normalcy and a schedule they know. Be strong and keep them with you, you are the one they need!

HI, i think it is only fair for both of you to have the kids the same amount of time. My parents divorced when I was 1 and spent every other weekedn with my dad, he was like a stranger to me until I grew up, I hated that feeling! It's not right that the mother should always full custody, think about how the father would feel to only have his kids 4 days a month-aweful! The kids need both of you just the same-the kids are already going to be affected because of the divorce no matter what, why make it it worse by only letting dad have them every other weekend-this is my opinion because that is how I grew up... Best of Luck- T

K.:

My ex-husband and I divorced when our daughter was around 4. Immediately following the divorced, she spent a few days with each of us, and it was a very complex schedule--Monday Tuesday with me, Wednesday Thursday with her dad, and every other Friday, Saturday and Sunday with beither of us. I hated this schedule, but thought it was better for her to spend time with both of us (and not be away from either of us for too long).

Once she reached school age though, this became impossible. Homework was the main problem--things were getting left at her dads that were due when she was with me. When she was about 7 or 8, we switched to a 50/50 schedule. It was my idea, because I thought she was old enough to be away from either parent for a week at a time, and also because school was becoming more difficult. It was great when she was with me--but I have to admit, when she was away for a week, I cried for many months.

My daughter is now 15 going on 16 and she STILL is spending one week with her dad and one with me. I told her I was fine if she didn't want to do that anymore--she's old enough to decide she doesn't want to be at a different house every week. (and I'm fairly certain she'd want to live with me). She said she'd been doing it for so long that she was fine with it. (both her dad and I are in long term relationships but no other children--we also get along very well and have since our divorce). Also, we've lived about 10 minutes apart from each other since we divorced, which makes it easy when she forgets someone at one of our homes, which is often.

My advice is that your children's relationship with their father trumps everything, including their schedule. Don't think about what you'd want to do--think about how much they love you and their dad, and how spending time with both of you is equally important. While going back and forth isn't ideal, I think it's infinitely better than not seeing a parent for weeks/months at a time.

Hope this helps.
S. F.

Hi K., I am writing to you from the perspective of a stepmom to one of my 5 kids. My stepson was 6 when my husband and I got married 5.5 years ago, and since then we've had 3 more boys (including twins), and a girl. My stepson never new his parents as being married, so going back and forth is all he has known. My husband and my son's mom have 50/50 and it has worked well (with challenges sprinkled in between). 50/50 doesn't necessarily mean you have to do week on/week off though. Although many of the so-called "experts" seem to think that it is best for the kids. In my experience it is good have some flexibility, and when the kids are as young as yours are they do better when they get to be with their parents as much as possible. From what you have written it sounds like your ex is probably a good dad who loves his children. It is actually a good thing that he wants to be with them because he misses them - if he didn't miss them then you'd have to worry... My stepson's mom is also remarried so he has the benefit of 2 very loving homes - he sees it as a good thing! Are there challenges and difficulties that come with going back and forth? Absolutely. My husband and my son's mom communicate often via email when it comes to scheduling, school work, etc. Communicating over the phone isn't very productive. Anytime he is sick and its his days at our house he usually goes to his mom's - because as a mom you are the only one that can really make them feel better. :)

I would encourage you to do the 50/50 - although it is h*** o* you as a mom - because you will miss them when they are gone and worry that they aren't getting to bed on time etc.

Here are some schedules we have tried over the years: Every-other day and alternating weekends (this was used when he was ages 1-5). At such a young age I think this worked because he didn't have to go too long between seeing either parent. Once he got into school we tried the week on /week off schedule which was too h*** o* everyone. My stepson really missed his mom when he was at our house - which is normal a child's love for their mom is much different than dad's. Even with my other kids they miss me when I'm in the next room or go to town alone! At that young age they do need mom more, but in the situation you are in they can benefit from developing a relationship with their dad now. One schedule that worked really well was 2 days on 2 days off and every other weekend. This was great especially when he was younger. Yes we had to communicate about homework, games etc., We tried the week on week off a second time once he got older - with a one day/overnite visit in the middle of the week. This was okay. I think that the schedule we have now is by far the best one - or perhaps it is the best one for the stage he is at. He's with his mom every Mon/Tue, he's with his dad every Wed/Thu, and we alternate the weekends.

I would imagine, from your ex's perspective, that discipline and keeping to the schedule your kids are used to when they are with him would be a challenge. Why? Because he wants to spend as much time as he can with them. To him it is probably more important to stay up a little later just to be with them. Is this right or wrong? I would venture to say that if he and his wife shared custody of the kids with you and your boyfriend then your kids would have an appropriate bedtime, get homework done etc. There is always a "transition" period of about 1-2 days when my stepson comes over, and when he goes back to his mom's. We all know and expect that - so we cut him a little slack his first day back. But by day 2 its back to the routine. When it comes to vacations etc. both sides are flexible as well.

Also my stepson's school is closer to our house than his mom's but that hasn't been a problem. And as a stepmom - his dad handles most discipline. I am not his mom - he has one - and so my relationship has been unique to us. So your ex's wife will have to figure out her roll as a stepmom. I do some discipline when his dad isn't around (honestly he's such a good kid that it is very rare anything has to be done).

My stepson, until recently, doesn't take clothes back and forth. We buy him school clothes that he has here, and he has stuff at his mom's. Now that he's 12 he's starting to care a lot more about his apperance so sometimes he coordinates with his mom to drop off his favorite pair of jeans etc. Now that he is getting older he is needing mom less and mostly wants to hang out with his friends.

So in a nutshell for the benefit of your children give them the opportunity to have equal time with their dad. Because before you know it they are going to be in Jr.High and influenced by all kinds of people and things. It is worth a try to do a 50/50 schedule for a trial run - then get it in writing with the court after you see what works best. I think that the worst thing is to put the kids through mediation with the court.

I have had "advice" from people on the outside of our situation say as you did that he would do best with mom the majority of the time. I can only see that as being true if the children were being neglected at the other home. But if both parents can provide loving environments then the children will thrive from receiving love from both biological parents. Believe me, the love I have to give my stepson, is not the same that his mom can give him - especially if he's had a bad day.

I hope this is somewhat helpful to you. All the best! And I hope you'll let us know what you decide.

Hi K.,
My ex and I have a 50/50 custody arrangement. When we first divorced 6 years ago, our boys were only 4 and 5 1/2. and we did one week on, one week off. It was difficult for them, and me, because I didnt see them for 7 days, although we talked on the phone. And 7 days on was difficult also, because there was no break.
We made a change about 2 years ago, I have them every Tues/Thurs and every other Fri/Sat/Sun. This works out really well. It is not confusing for the boys, because they know where they are on those days of the week.
We actually asked them what they thought of the arrangement before we made any changes and they both agreed to it.
We have an amicable relationship, and both of us are very flexible when it comes to making changes. We live 3 miles from each other, so that makes it convenient as well.

Good luck!
Cami

My kids dad takes them every weekend and any extra holidays that he has off, plus his family take them for 3 weeks or so in the summer. That is a good enough 50/50 for him and it gives me my time as I am now engaged. One week one place and one week another may work when they get older. I have a few friends that have a situation kind of set up. It does for for them, the kids is in jr. high. AS for that young I wouldn't agree with it as much. Then you state that he didn't do the weekend homework, now that really isn't going to work. I have a kindergarden and a first grade and most of the time they aren't in it as far a homework gose. So I wouldn't even think about letting him have the kids for the school days untill the father could prove that he can handle homework.
Good luck

K., I watched my 2 cousins go through the week on/week off schedule and it was TERRIBLE!!! I can't emphasize enough how much they hated it and how much their schoolwork suffered. Plus, one of my cousins started getting migraines and got them for years--until the schedule stopped. My advice, based on what my cousins say now they would have preferred as kids, is to either keep the schedule you have now, or do the 50/50 thing with longer visits. Don't do one week at mom's and then one week at dad's. Do at least 2 weeks at a time at each parents, or my cousin always said she would have preferred one month at mom's and then one month at dad's. That way, she said, they would get to settle in and spend day-to-day time together, dad would get to know their school routines and needs and since each month has a holiday of some kind, they would get to celebrate it. Even if it was just St. Paddy's Day. Of course, this is a long time and you'd have to let the other parent visit, or come over for dinner several times, but my cousins both said this is what they would have preferred. But overall, you are right: shuttling the kids back at forth is a horrible, thoughtless and selfish idea. Your ex is good to want to spend more time with the kids, but he's got to look at what's best for them and put their needs over his wants.

Hi. I have a 7 year old daughter, soon to be 8. My ex husband and I do have 50-50 custody and the way we do it is basically the week on, week off as you described. However, we mix it up and make it better by including Wednesday's. For instance, if it's my turn to have her with me this week, then he gets to have her on Wednesday. He picks her up after school and then drops her back off at school on Thursday morning. Then I resume the rest of my week & weekend with her until I drop her off at school on Monday morning. That's when it switches to his turn and I get her that Wednesday. We have been doing it this way for about a year now and she really seems to like it. This way, no one has to go a week with out getting to see her/ her us. Anyway, the homework thing when she is with my ex husband IS a challange as it seems to be with your ex. I end up calling and e-mailing in order to remind him exactly what needs to get accomplished. Like you, I just want to do right by my daughter and make sure she grows up happy and healthy. All the best to you! J.

I think it would work 50/50 children need both parents and there are so many absent dads out there unless he is a danger to your children it would be a good set-up at least he wants to be involved with his children, they are still young too. I have a 50/50 with my ex and I love it, cause I have time for myself which you need as a parent so you can regroup, as long as your children are safe, I say go for it. The greatest gift a child can have is the love of both parents.

Your mothering instinct is telling you that this is a BAD idea. Stick with your gut. It's what's best for your kids.

K.,
Child custody is always a touchy subject. One parent feels that their children will do better in one household as compared to the other. My ex and I split up in July of 2006 and my two children (now 9 and 2 1/2) have done the one week with Mom and one week with Dad ever since. I believe that it is the fair choice as long as it can accomodate everyone's schedules. Your oldest will soon be in school so you would both have to be in a location close to your child's school. My ex and I live about 40 minutes apart and we have chosen a school and a preschool in a town that we like the school and the people.

You brought up instability as an issue and it causing problems with the children. This is where your ex and yourself have to see eye to eye. We have many of the same rules in both of our households; bedtimes, chores, etc. It is working great and our kids adapted quickly; they know when they have time with Mom and time with Dad. The downside is I don't have my kids for a week at a time; we try to make up for this by talking numerous times during the week. I usually talk to the kids before school and almost every night.

Just keep in mind that you have to do the best for your children. I know that you want to be with them as much as possible but their father is also entitled to the same amount of time with them.

I've been fortunate not to have experienced any of this first hand but I've been witness to a handful of divorces at this point. Let me start by saying that your kids are very fortunate to have two parents who love them enough for this to be an issue.

One of my best friends is twice divorced with one child from each marriage. She is also a step mom to her third husband's two teenagers (we all think this relationship is "the one".)

With out going into all the details I'll just say that it's wonderful that your ex wants to be more involved in the raising of his kids (my friend's oldest didn't have that luxury.) However you are fully justified in your concerns with regard to home work. Having said that it doesn't sound like this should be a deal breaker. Try sitting down with your ex (away from the kids) and discuss your concerns. You obviously have the kind of healthy relationship with your ex that that will allow you to work through this. Once you feel like you've come to a good comprimise give it a try for 4 weeks with the understanding that no matter how it goes you'll sit down again at the end of the 4 weeks to re-evaluate.

The key is to keep working together and when something doesn't seem to be working talk about it. And rest assured that kids can grow up well adjusted in a 50/50 situation. My friend's two step kids are doing just fine. There were some bumps in the road early on but that was mostly because of their mother's jealousies (my friend got pregnant around the same time that the 50/50 started with the step kids and their mother had a really hard time dealing with the prospect of her ex-husband's new family.)

You know, I have been in this same situation. Coming from someone who knows, I agree and do not feel it is a good idea, not during school time. During the summer months, when they are not in school, that would be fine. During the school months, kids need stability and consistency. Even if they are in one place for a week, and another for a week, it is hard. School work might not get done, or lost, routines might be different, rules might be different. I think it's great that you guys are able to communicate the way you do about you kids. My ex and I have NO communication about our son. My other two children suffer as a result of their half brother being absent from the picture. Maybe suggest the summer months for the week on week off visitation and see how it goes. You will find it quite lonely at times without your children there, but you will also enjoy the peace and quiet and time to do things you can't do when they are there! Good luck!!!

It sounds like you know your children's routines very well. We have to be careful of the "fun parent" trap that can drag you and your partner into power struggles with your children as well as the other adults involved in your children's lives.

I believe you should stick to your schedule and if he really wants to co-parent he will co-operate:)

K. - I have been in that exact situation and the kids were about that age when my first husband and I divorced. We did the 50/50 (one week there, and one week with me). Wow not a good idea. My daugther, who is easy-going and able to adapt to changes, had no problem really. But my son has to keep a steady and reliable schedule. And, yes, my kids did not even start homework when they were with their father. Since I was close to the kids schools, their father would drop them off at my house in the morning and usually homework would not be done so we did it at 6:00 a.m. Not a good situation at all. Finally, I put an end to it. Now we live over 200 miles apart and in different counties so the kids are with me full time and they see their father twice a month on weekends. However, that even changes because they are in their teens now and have school events, sporting events and social events. It is an unfortunate situation and there really is no right answer.
It sounds like your ex is like mine - he does not want to discipline because he has them for such a short period of time. However, without arguing, you need to make him understand if you do the 50/50 thing, he has to take on the responsibilities as well and if that means you talking to you kids every night and asking about homework and what is coming up, then that is what has to be done. Just make sure you ex understands what he undertaking.

Good luck!

I just had to comment on how nice it is to see that you want to do whats best for your kids and not just whats best for you. Also I think it is great that your children have a mom and dad who want to be in their lives. I hope everything works out to where you both are happy. Their should be more moms like you.

My opinion is that if he is a good dad he deserves to have just as much time with the children as you do. Some kind of 50% split is only fair- to everyone. Your children should not see him as a weekend parent. They should know him as fully a parent. In that way he will get away from the "fun parent" trap and they will have a normal life with him and a normal life with you. I like the week on week off schedule because it gives the children a chance to settle into their current home routine without having to move back and forth too frequently. I also think it is important to have the switch time be with the current parent delivering them to the next parent so that they can see that the parents are cooperating and it is not perceived as one parent taking them away from the other. This is my arrangement and it works well. Of course, anytime they want to call or see the other parent they are totally welcome to do so. I do not think either one of us is the better parent. We both love them equally and have things to give them. When they are with their dad it is up to him to take care of the homework and everything else. I stay out of it unless asked. He is a perfectly capable adult who takes care of his business and is just fine taking care of his children. I wouldn't want him hovering over me when I have them and I won't do it to him either.

Hi K.,
I have the same situation with my ex-husband. We have been divorced for 6 years but reconciled a year after the divorce. We once again have seperated in the summer of 2006. He has moved on and now has another child with his girlfriend. Since then, he has asked to do the 50/50 so that our children can grow up with his other child. Our daughters are school age and go to a school 5 minutes away from our home. He lives in another town. I don't see it working especially if he doesnt have someone to get them to and from school. They do not attend afterschool program or daycare. I have a sitter at my area.
So I completely understand what you are going through. I just don't see that it is right and fair to the children. It is too much for them to be moving back and forth each week and following up with the homework, home rules, and so forth that goes on with their education and health.
We have to do what is best for our children.

A little about me:

Mid-30's. Single-mom. Work full time job. Two daughters ages 12 and 8 whom are very active in softball.

Hi K.:
Unfortunately, more and more the courts are awarding 50/50 custody to parents. However, since the kids regular routine is working and has been for the last three years, there should be no reason to change it. If I were you, I'd consult with a lawyer right away, just in case. It sounds like you are more than reasonable.

I also work with kids every day. The kids who do have 50/50 arrangements, seem to have more difficulty adjusting in school. Maybe do some research on this. A lot of times the kids will act out in school on "transition" day. You should definately consult with a family law attorney. It sounds like your ex is probably planning to have the agreement modified. You need to be ready ahead of time.

Good luck
S.

I have never been in this situation but have had friends (as a teenager and as an adult) who have had to go through this. I would check with her kids. Ask them what they want. Explain it to them as much as possible and then see what they think about it. Your 3-year old may or may not be able to give any major insight but I am sure you can get the 5-year old to clearly understand what is going on. Coming from a family of divorced parents (later in life so no custody issues) I always feel as though the parents forget to ask us how we feel and what we would like. Instead of always looking to fulfill there own needs. You and your ex can sit the kids down together and explain to them how it would work. A close friend of mine who is going through a divorce after 9yrs of marriage has worked out every other day and every other weekend with her ex and they are making it work. There daughter loves it right now. Who knows things might change later on in life. But, just ask the kids for their suggestions and then you all can try and make the best decision for your family.

I am from a divorced family and my parents could never decide how to handle visits effectively. I absolutly recomend 50/50 but only if both parents are willing to put their own egos aside. This is about the kids and any arrangement can work successfully as long as you are willing. My 4 children have different father's and each has a different visiting schedule. They all do well in school, don't act out negatively beacuse of the arrangement and if you ask each of them they will tell you how loved they are. Why? Beacause I work very hard to make it work and keep my own ego out of it no matter what.

Do a trial run run of it. Tell your husband that you can try for a month and only then if he agrees to make the homework a priority. This works out in your favor in many ways. First it helps to know what your saying no to, how can you say it doesn't work for your family if you haven't attempted it. Second if this does go to court you can tell the judge why it worked or didn't work, being informed like this is always looked on favorably by family court judges. And third, Your former husband may realize it's more than he can handle, again something you won't know till you give it a shot and better to find out before something is decided by a judge that is more permanent.

You could also offer for him to start out with 50/50 in the summer. 1 week is nothing when you have children, they change everyday especially when they are as young as yours and he is probably feeling that he is missing out by not getting to to be their more. Give him a chance, he may surprise you.

Feel free to contact me if you like.
Best Wishes
J.

Hi K.. :)

My ex and I have 50/50 custody of our sons, 12 and 16. We currently have the week on / week off schedule you are referring to. Prior to this we had rotating weekends. (I had M/T he had W/T, and each week the boys would be at the other parent's house for the weekend -- 5 days in one spot, then 3, in the other - then the reverse.) This schedule had some success for over 4 years. It really isn't as complicated as it sounds, and the boys definitely knew what their schedule/s were. BUT, as you pointed out, the homework thing just wasn't getting done. I ended up with the projects, the follow-up, the nagging, the interaction with the school, etc.

The other problem: Not enough routine! The boys learned they could slide on household tasks and general responsibilities if they could come up with (what seemed like) plausible reasons/excuse for the duties' delay. Things that got lost in the schedule: Notes to/from teachers, attaining books from the library to start/complete assignments, etc. I could go on and on...Bottom-line, I would absolutely endorse the week by week schedule. The routine is more grounding for the children and A LOT less frustrating with all the follow-up that otherwise is required.
I should mention, my ex and I are in consistent and positive communication with continued sharing of thoughts on discipline, punishment, positive reinforcements, etc. However, he is not great about homework. Let's face it, if they were a better fit, we would have stayed married to them right? Life won't be perfect. But, the kids will REALLY find more stability by being at the same place day after day -- even it's for only 7 days in a row. Btw, you will get use to having that time to yourself; and may find it quite productive once -you- get use to the schedule. And, THANK YOU for teaching our children!!! You are my heroine. :)

Hi K., We (my husband and I) currently share 50/50 week on week off custoday of my 7 year old stepdaughter with her mother. We love it! We have been 50/50 for 3 years and it has really worked well for our 7 year old. It definatley gives her a strong sense of stability and gives her the consistent love/support she needs from her father. I highly recomend week on week off. Feel free to email me with any other questions if you want.

You sound as if you have carefully considered his request. The emotional well-being of both of your children is the most important consideration. The number of days probably is not of concern to each child; its just numbers, not quality of experience.

Is his suggestion related, at all, to the amount of child support he must pay (more time with him, less child support paid through you)? This is a frequent suggestion of (mostly) fathers in California because the amount of time does affect the amount of child support. Not exactly a reason considering the emotional well-being of each child.

Good luck.

When my daughter's dad and I divorced, we agreed to 50/50, but we work it out as I have her M, W & every other weekend from Friday after school/daycare through Monday morning, and he has her T, TH and every other Friday after school/daycare through Monday morning. My daughter has been doing this since just before she was 3 and she will be turning 11 in March. I always thought by now that she would get old enough and realize it wasn't normal to basically have 2 different homes, but she doesn't seem to mind. What is really takes to work is both parents agreeing to work together on homework, after-school sports-type things, being flexible when the other person wants extra time with the children or more time away for whatever reason (i.e. business trips). It was definitely a little rough in the beginning with getting clothes back, but now that we are both remarried and settled it has run really smoothly. We live about 5 miles apart, with my daughter attending school near me. So, I understand what you are saying with disrupting their lives, but at the same time, if he is a good dad and you both can work together, you should do what is best for the kids. Maybe try something out for a month with no promises to see how it works.

btw - what Sue said about the 50/50 kids having a hard time on transition day, I do agree. It wasn't necessarily and issue in the beginning, but when she was in kindergarden and maybe part of 1st grade there was a little difficulty. At the time her dad was single, so I am not sure if that had something to do with it. She never fell behind, but she may not have been going to bed at a decent time and was tired at school. We haven't had any issues since, and what helps is that she knows her dad and I talk regularly, especially when she gets into trouble so there is no hiding from it.

My husband and I have the 50/50- week on/week off custody arrangement for his 3 year old daughter (my step-daughter). Until recently we have actually been very happy with the arrangement. We used to have her for 3 days one week and then 4 days the next week and the constant switching back and forth was very h*** o* everyone. The week on/ week off actually provides a lot more consistency. My step-daughter knows what to expect and knows every Tuesday she goes to the other parent's house. She knows each house has different rules and expectations. Recently, however, we have decided to petition for full custody because her mother has a very unstable life that includes an abusive boy-friend. If this weren't the case, and her mother was a little more stable, I think we would keep the week on/week off because it does provide a good routine and it's easy to look ahead at the calendar and plan vacations, etc. I don't know if this helps you, but good luck with your situation!!

I agree with you completely. It is hard enough for kids to go back and forth just for overnighters. Kindergarten isn't too bad yet for the homework situation, but as they grow older it gets even harder and more confusing for kids. I would keep it as is - Friday through Sunday every other week. Do you have a court visitation agreement? You need to stand your ground and do what is best for the kids. You are obviously not trying to keep him from them.

Hello K.:

I can totally relate to your situation. I remember when my boys' were that age as well..and we were going through our divorce. We had to go to court to finalize visitation. The court always wants the parents to meet w/the court facilitator to see if we can come to an agreement. Their father brought up the 50/50 issues and I mentioned that they boys' were too young to be put into that situation. It WASN'T STABLE. The facilitator mentioned that ..at their age..it's important to be with their mother (unless she is totally unfit) during those young years. Oh...to add..about the homework..weekend situation. That's another reason why I have stayed w/my vistiation schedule..but NOW about 7 yrs later...I think I want to reduce the hours or put a change into the days/hours. Anyways, as I was saying, you've been giving him plenty of days..to see the kids...you guys could also come into an agreement ( if possible) that maybe he can pick up the kids twice a week, spend some time with them....bring them back home..about 7pm(since bedtime is around the corner)and he can have them every other Friday-Sunday. If you guys do come to that agreement, I say you should both fill out a stipulation form..at the court....just to have it in writing. Does this make sense? I could go on and on..about this situation...I believe I've been divorced for ...6-7 yrs. I didn't realize it till my younger son turned 7 last November. I'm having the issue where...the boys are getting older..and their Dad..isn't all that great...about his parenting skills and of course kids pick up really fast. He's pretty much jealous of how my long term boyfriend does a lot of things w/the kids. Quality time he puts in. Their father would "buy" them out. The boys talk about my long term boyfriend a lot..and at times they mention his name to their Father..how ..they did this and that..and their Father is a bit insecure about it. He is now re-married. I JUST found out last November when we had to go to court..to review the child support. What a way to find out..but then again..I wasn't surprised.

Anyhow, K., I hope this helped you any...if you have any other questions, concerns, or just want to vent..please feel free to email.

Take care.

Hi K.

Thats the worse thing that can be done to the kids. They will not have stability in their lives and they definitely need it especially at the youger age. I suggest a third party mediator. I'm sure your ex misses his kids but it's not about him or you but what is best for the kids.

Anna

K.,You should count yourself lucky he even wants too spend time with the children.My son is a 50/50 dad of a 5 years old and when him and his g/f seperated she was like you,They are his kids too and just because you are their mom dosent mean you are right, dosent mean you know best and dosent mean you make all the decisions about yalls kids.My son told me once after a disagreement with the g/f....Mom, I know know why dads leave their children, cause the moms are like you....Remember,They are Yalls kids, not just yours....My grandson spends 3 1/2 days at moms and 3 1/2 days at dads, bedrooms at both houses, both parents show up at school, dr. appointments and our grandson will tell you, I have lots of love..So, remember, Their his kids too, you are not always right and its not always your way just cause your mom...Hes Dad....Yalls kids,not just yours...and how do you think a long time live in b/f affects your children? L.

Dear K.,

Here are my 2 cents, based on being raised by divorced parents. No matter what you tell your kids, and no matter what they are able to grasp intellectually, deep inside they're going to think the weekend parent may not really love them, or at least doesn't love them as much. The weekend parent is not participating in child-rearing at the same level as the weekday parent, and kids really get that. I don't have any personal experience with shuttling between households so I can't comment on how stressful that is or isn't, I'm just saying don't underestimate the long-term emotional impact of feeling abandoned by one of you parents. Kids are survivors, they accept things they way they are and go on, but some if the stuff they internalize can blindside them later in life.

About the homework: your ex will probably step up to the plate once he's got the kids during the week. Right now he probably figures he's only got the kids for 2 days, why should any of that time be unpleasant.

Good luck! It sounds like both of you love your kids and you're willing to work with each other, and that's great already.

-A.

Good luck whatever you decide. Your kids have two parents who love them, you're already ahead of the game.

I completely agree with you! What you said about how hard it would be to have to actually live in a different house each week is so true. They need a home. And it's not a matter of convenience for either one of you, it's a matter of stability for them. Ask him this-how about the children live in your house full-time, but the adults switch houses each week? I'll bet he'd drop the subject in a heartbeat (of course, if he takes you up on it you have to comply). But you are the custodial parent. Nip this in the bud. If he doesn't drop it you may need the help of your attorney. You will be in my prayers.