Dad Issue

K., I think you are a very lucky lady. My parents are also split after 30 years of marriage. My dad lives about 40 minutes from me. He never calls or makes much of an effort to see me or his 3year old beautiful grandchild. I really wish he wanted to be in my life more. I wish my dad wanted to see me at least every two weeks. I also have a sister with a child, he is the same with them. I say see him as much as you can while you still have him. Take Care- D.

My dad lives in Oregon, and boy, do I wish he were closer again! Sometimes we'll talk a couple of times a day, sometimes once a week. It just depends on what we have going on. I'm a SAHM so he knows he can reach me almost any time.

Hello K.: I gave up along time ago trying to get my parents ( who are divorced) to understand I could not be their sole entertainment. I invite them to family things, and I call to my convience at least once a week. My in-laws also need my time so I make sure to keep a running list of things we are all doing and some of the things they might like to be apart of. Mostly I try to let them know that they are loved and not forgotten. But honestly I sometimes call when I am waiting at an appointment or waiting for the kids at some activity so I can fill their need to hear from us and mine to make it all fit in my schedual. good luck

I'd put him to work :D Have a discussion with your husband about what would be helpful for both of you that would be appropriate for your dad to do. Mowing the lawn? (you can pay him in $ or ice tea). Picking up the drycleaning on Tuesdays on his way over to have coffee with you? Going for a walk with you once a week? Picking up one of the children from a practice, bringing her home and staying for dinner or dessert once a week? meeting you at a practice once a week to keep you company and have a chat? maybe you pick up a few groceries for him and drop them off once a week? Go over and help him change his sheets (so much easier with 2 people)? Get together to do bills twice a month? something related to his work experience/skills?

My folks are back east. I have 3 siblings in our hometown. My mom can have a whole relationship on the phone, but Dad is more of an action guy. I probably talk to him 2x a month on a video phone and once on the regular phone, but I don't think he has much phone time at all with the local siblings. Since my dad retired, I've watched them work on different ways to interact with him that works for everyone. (like the suggestions above.) He's happier doing something than talking on the phone. I hope you can find your win-win.

M.

i agree that you need to determine if this is really about you or is it about his loneliness.

whenever my mother-in-law is lonely or out-of-sorts, she calls and emails all the time. when she is happier and has plans with friends, then we don't talk to her unless we call. part of it is personality.

i would see if hearing from your girls would also help fill a bit of the void. maybe plan to invite him over for dinner ever other week, since you live so close by. maybe if you had more of these things planned, then he would have something to look forward to and not mind the 1x/week phone calls as much.

good luck! i found as my parents age, they sometimes act more like kids. :oP they show they need just as much attention as my son sometimes! i think that's okay, though. they spent a good part of their lives giving their attention to me and my brother. it's their turn, you know?

Unless your Dad is unhealthy and makes your life crazy somehow, talk to him as much as possible. I have never known or met my father. Growing up without one makes me so sad at times, that I was never daddy's girl, that I will never have a father who will want to talk to me more then I have time for.
Now, I do have a wonderful mother and I talk to her every day for at least 5 minutes regardless of how busy my life it. I cling to her because although she is still young in my eyes, 62, I have no idea how much time she will still be with me and once she is gone I will be lost without her.
Good luck!

Well, personally, I talk to my Dad a couple times a month, but I don't think it really matters what the "norm" is here. It sounds to me like your dad might be feeling lonely. So, unless there is a good reason why not, I think you should just humor him and call more often.

I'm 36 and talk to my dad 2-3 times a week. Sometimes to ask a question, other times to check in and say hi. If you live so close, why not see him once a week or every so often to combat having to call him more. I think you are lucky your dad wants to talk to you more, pending any bad issue's. If your relationship is good why not pick up the phone one more time a week or see him more often.

In my situation, we moved my dad to an apartment in my town after he and his second wife divorced. He is not capable of taking care of himself. He and I have a rocky relationship. I make sure he has the care he needs, but I don't talk to him weekly. Biweekly, most of the time. I am very busy also, so I do the best I can. I see him once a month usually. He has developed friends and is doing as well as can be expected. My mom lives about 45 minutes away and I talk to her weekly usually (once or twice depending on what is going on). We have a good relationship and I take care of the vineyard that we planted with my stepdad.

I'm a daddy's girl but my dad works odd hours so it's hard to know (and keep track of) when he's working and when he's sleeping. I call and keep in touch with him about once a month. Sometimes longer, sometimes closer. All depends on what's going on.

If my dad and I lived in the same town I'd probably be calling him minimum once a week. Probably more often, as it would be easier to know when he's awake. I tend to forget there's a 3 hour time difference between him and me, so when I do want to call it's always "Oh CRAP. he's probably sleeping".

Maybe the real issue here is he feels he's being thought of less often than your mom. I don't know for sure. But maybe. How often do you talk to your mom? If you only talked to her once a week and she thought it wasn't enough would you even question it?

Just throwing out some ideas to think about.

In the end though it's not really about how often we call our moms or dads ... but what your dad wants and needs. Talk to him and find out how often he'd like for you to call and see if you can work out a compromise that works for both of you. That incorporates your busy life with his needs.

I worry about my dad since he had a heart attack a few years ago and has not seemed to recover fully. He lives alone so I make sure I talk to him every other day just to make sure he's ok and alive. He enjoys speaking to the kids too, even if it's just to check in for a minute.

K.,

You are very lucky to have both of your parents living in your home town. Take adavantage of it & talk to your dad/spend more time with him. You didn't mention any issues you may have had w/your dad, which might be a reason you don't talk to your dad more? My own dad moved to the East coast after I graduated from college, got a job & my own place & I only saw him once a year around the holidays, but tried to talk to him on the phone as much as I could, which sometimes ended up being only once/twice a month. Of course he came down when I got married & I did go up to visit him once as well, but I still wish we had more visits & had more frequent phone calls b/c he passed away suddenly 4 1/2 years ago when I was only 30 years old. He never got to even meet my twins b/c I got pregnant w/them a few months after he passed, but he was in the loop when I was trying to get pregnant b/c he was looking forward to grandchildren.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is to appreciate the situation you have & try to call/spend more time w/your dad b/c you never know what may happen, as life really is short after all & you don't want to regret what you wish you "could've" or "should've" done.

Also, to turn the tables a bit - say your own kids are grown up w/their own families & you're a grandmother as well as a mother - how would you feel if your kids/grandkids only called you once a week and/or didn't spend much time w/you when you are living in the same town? I know life gets busy & if time can't be spent, hearing someone's voice truly goes a long way. There's wireless ear pieces for phones so that you can "do stuff" while you are on the phone w/your dad if that's an issue. That's what I do w/my mother-in-law b/c she likes to talk (LOL) & instead of rushing her off the phone b/c I have stuff to do, I just pop in my ear piece & go about doing whatever I need to do b/c I know she 'needs' to talk. My own mother fortunately comes over 2-3 times a week b/c she does live in the same city & my father-in-law comes once a week, but we do email several times during the week.

Spend as much time/call as much as you can b/c you can never get that time back...

Why is this an issue? My dad lives about 2 miles from me and my mom lives about 6, so we are very close. I talk to my dad a few times a week and see him at least once a week because he takes care of my son on Mondays. I grew up with my mom, but am really close to my dad now that he lives so close and is retired. I feel very lucky to have my parents so close.

Hi K.,

I don't know if there is a reason you don't want to talk to your dad, but I can tell you that since my parents divorced (37 years ago) I have not been close with my dad, by his choosing. I speak to him about once every two YEARS. If I had a dad that wanted to talk more than once a week, I would be more than happy. I don't know how old he is, but when I think of my boys leaving the house, I will be very sad if we don't keep in touch daily. I know you have your own life, and he has to respect that, but allow him to love you before he is gone from you completely.

It doesn't matter how much I talk to my own Dad; he feels it's enough, or at least hasn't said otherwise. However, your Dad has said so. He's not getting what he needs from you. Try and make a date to talk with him about what he feels he needs and how much you can accommodate him with your schedule. As long as you are both on the same page about what you both need and can provide, then your relationship won't suffer.

I speak to my parents about once a month, less if I can get away with it. They live about 30 miles from me. My in-laws moved to TX three years ago, and I feel closer to them than my own parents. Still, only get to talk to them once every couple of months. It depends on your and their schedules and comfort levels.

K.,
I think Stephanie put it best. It is really what is comfortable for the both of you. There are no wrong or right answers, as you can see from the very different responses that you have received. I almost never talk to my dad, only because he is not a phone person. We live across country and he prefers to get news of me through my mom. If I do get him on the phone, he gets uncomfortable about a minute into the conversation. So, clearly, I am not a typical person. I still feel good feelings towards my father and he is super generous and kind when it comes to me and my family. I talk to my mom about 3 times a week, only because I love talking to her! If I didn't call her so often, we probably would not be talking so frequently. If you feel like once a week is plenty (and I can understand that, since time just flies by and already another week is gone!) and your dad feels like it is not enough, the best thing to do is just try to come up with a compromise. Clearly, you want both parties to be satisfied. Maybe you can call him once a week and he can call you the other times if he wants to talk (during an agreed time that is convenient for you to talk). Or you can put him to work, as another mom suggested if he would be interested in such an arrangement. The right answer to your question is really what feels right for the both of you!
good luck!

I live in the same town as my parents, and I try to go by and see them at least once a week or call if I can't stop by. It makes them feel like they are part of our life still, and I catch up on what is going on in the family....with other siblings and the sort. I think once a week is plenty...a visit is a pleasure not a requirement.

What matters is not how often we talk to our fathers (I talk to mine about once a month) but how often you feel comfortable. I think it is hard as an adult to set limits with your parents, but I find myself having to do this with my very needy mother. Yes she wants more, but my desires/needs have to be important too. I give her what I can, and I have a right to set out what is comfortable for me.

Hi K.!

It sounds like your dad is going through something. It's not always how often we speak to our parents, but maybe it's WHO ELSE is getting more time than him.......maybe you are closer to your mom, so you talk to her more? Maybe that's why he "wishes" he could be in your life more.

Just guessing :O) FYI, I speak to my parents everyday, of course we live next door to eachother :O) But, we speak to my in-laws only once a week, and sometimes longer.

I guess there is no "right answer" for you because every situation is different. For whatever reason your dad needs to know that he is important in your life. So, if you can just be sensitive to that, than I think everything will be ok.

~N. :O)

I've lived far away from my folks most of my adult life. At this point, if I haven't heard from my Dad in a few days, I give him a holler--but we just lost my Mom in October, and, well, after 40 years together, Dad's pretty lost. Over the years, I never let more than a week go by without talking to my folks, except I think once when I was really upset with my mom, I let 2 weeks go by. I think the answer is how much do your kids want their grandpa in their life? My oldest is almost 2, &, with no family close by, if she brings me the phone and wants to call Grandpa (or my husband's Mom), we call. It's the best way I know to make sure they're not complete strangers when we do get to see them--we're in CA & our family is mostly in the Midwest.

It depends on how close you are with them, I would guess. I am not super close with my Mom, but I call usually once a day, either to say hello, tell her something the grandkid has done, or siply to check on my Grandma. I have NO contact with my father's family, as he left when i was 2 or 3 and never made any attempt to re-connect. I would say make an effort to call him 2 or 3 times a week, and see if that helps?

What great replies you have received from everyone. I like Maryellen B's idea of putting him to work since it could be a win/win for both of you.
Mostly, just value and appreciate that you have a dad interested in you. Having a loving father helps a young girl grow up to believe she is worhty of a loving husband. I didn't have a relationship with my dad, who didn't seem much interested in me or even like me. So, despite my intelligence and numerous talents, I am plagued with self-doubt and low self-esteem. I wanted so much to have his love and approval, so if your dad is offering it, please accept it with gratitude and respect for a father who cares. My best to you, K..

Hi K., I have a very good relationship with my dad who lives in another state with my step mother and my half sister. I'm close to my step mother and sister and my entire family has a good relationship. Given all that I only speak to my father and/or my step mother twice a month. They are pretty busy and so am I with a 9 month old baby. Both my father and I have similar personalities and we aren't the kind of people who will spend a lot of time on the phone with each other. When either one of us calls it's for a specific reason. But we do email regularly because I send him pictures and updates of my baby.
My husband's family is different in that my father in law calls my husband about once a week. My father in law loves to chat especially since he lives in a different state. I think if my in laws were asked they would love us to call them or do webcam once a week so they can get all the news on the baby and everything going on in our lives even the details. They love to hear that kind of stuff whereas my parents are not interested and really just want to get updated major happenings.

Hi K.

It's hard to say, I mean do you get along with your father? IF that is the case, then I "personally" and this is no judgment against you, but rather my own personal feelings about parents, then NO once a week is not enough. My husband's mom lives in our town, matter a fact five minutes away and they talk a few times a day. He is VERY close to her though, now I don't know if you are close to your parents or not. If you aren't , then maybe even once a week is too much :) but if you are close, then I would go ahead and call him more often, can it hurt? might bring you even closer, but the BIGGER lesson here and example set is to your teenage daughters and that is.. FAMILY is important. Children learn what they live and if they see (by actual example) that your parents mean a lot to you, then they will hopefully treat you the same.
I truly believe kids learn how to communicate or NOT communicate from their caregivers, so maybe you have to begin to see this thru your children's eyes.. One of the reasons I don't go bonkers :) hahah when my motherinlaw calls a couple times of day is because I want my son to have a GOOD relationship with her, I want him to see that grandparents are VERY important to our family and too, it teaches my son a bigger lesson which is to treat elders with respect and kindness.
again, I don't know if you and your dad get along..

Dear K.,
You don't give a lot of info, but it sounds like your dad would like to talk to you/see you more often.
My dad moved back home to Tennessee after he and my mom divorced. I was 17. We stayed in close contact, but with 3 exceptions, in all those years, I never saw him again.
My mom's second husband, who was my "Here Daddy", we saw each other and talked all the time. He was in construction and if I had to go to a town where he was working, we always made plans for lunch. If he was working near my town, he always stopped by to see me and the kids. Especially after my divorce. He would check to see if we needed anything or if anything needed to be fixed around the house. He called me kind of late one night which was strange because he was an early to bed, early to rise kind of guy. He said he just wanted to make sure I knew how very much he'd always loved me and that he couldn't have asked for a better daughter. He died about a week later.
Then, I lost my biological father last September.
Believe me, time is very precious. Once it's gone, you can't get it back.
We all get busy and sometimes life gets in the way and days zoom by.
It sounds like your dad is reaching out to you.
You're lucky to have your parents so close. I still have my mom, but she lives over an hour away so we don't see each other that often. We talk on the phone all the time though. We spend all holidays and birthdays and things like that together, but it never feels like enough.
Maybe take your dad out to lunch, just the two of you, and see if you can find out what's on his mind.
My daughter will be 23 and I barely ever see her. I'm so proud that she's independent and doing really well on her own, but I miss her terribly. We talk on the phone, she always calls to ask my advice about things, but it's not the same as getting to see her.
I'll be the first to admit that I'm sappy and sentimental about things, but I really hope you find a way to have time with your dad that makes you both happy.

Best of wishes!

I speak to my dad once every 3 weeks, but he lives on the east coast and I'm on the west coast. If he recently went through a divorce, he may need reassurance from you that you're not angry with him and that he still can maintain the same relationship you had prior to the divorce. Also, if both parents live nearby, there may be some competition over which parent gets more of your love and attention. Thirdly, he may be lonely, especially if he's newly divorced and would like your company. My mom and dad have been divorced for almost 22 years and my dad has never been one to talk much on the phone with anyone, so I'm not sure my situation represents the norm. Reassure your dad how much you love him...as he may be insecure about your relationship and set up something to do with him on a regular basis (church, lunch on Sundays, golf, movie...whatever you both can enjoy together.