Coworkers Son Passed Away

At such a horrible time, I would suggest taking a collection for a house cleaner for every other week to come, for at least a month or longer. Also, a meal program that can deliver meals to her, or just have everyone make a bunch of meals that can be frozen so she does not have to worry about cooking food for a while either.

Hi. My little baby passed away 4 years ago next month. It is still difficult to this day. Especially with his birthday and anniversary of his passing coming up. I would say gift cards to a restaurant (I refused to cook, just couldn't do it), monetary gifts (I would assume they didn't have a plot picked for their child, it is expensive for the wake and funeral), do you go to their house?? My mother inlaw came over and bought us groceries and tolietries...we just did not have the frame of mind or energy to do it.... I hope this helps, but honestly there is only one thing they want, and that is to have their child back...

As far as what not to say or do....do not ever tell her she will get over it. A family member said that to me 2 years ago..I was very hurt, and I never forgot that comment... Just be there...listen to her, they might need to vent. Grief is horrible, it comes and goes....especially for no reason, just out of the blue... It is the absolute worst thing in the world...I still have breakdowns (meaning crying)...but I will say one thing, I do have two other children. They made me get out of bed and be a mom. I had a reason to continue...my kids needed a mom. Even though I did not want to, I still had a job to do....being a mom to my other two children...they gave me purpose, when I did not think I had a purpose in life anymore. I just do not know where I would be without my kids to help me and my husband through it. I hope this helps, there just aren't words to describe how they are feeling.

I lost my son when he was born at 20 weeks - we stayed with us for 3 hours before he died. The most helpful thing was for people to be pro-active... cook something, offer something, even just a very quiet ear to talk to... don't put the responsiblity of seeking comfort/support/assistance on an already over-taxed person - heartfelt, thoughtful condolences in any form are going to be appropriate.
Yep, let her talk about her child, the experience she had with her while she was alive and as she died. You might have to push through some of your own discomfort with silence or tears... but it is such a gift to give to another.
Of course, talking about the future, "You'll have others", etc. is not, while well intentioned, helpful as someone grieves... she'll be ready to tackle the future in her own good time, and until then should be allowed room to grow with this new life she's living.
On behalf of this grieving mom I want to thank you for seeking info.

L.-
Grief of the worse kind :(
I have a good friend who lost BOTH of her young sons to some genetic disorder. One at about 7 yrs and the other at 8 yrs.
It was in a 3 yr period. Another childhood friend lost her son at age 24 to suicide. ANYWAY, I, too, was at a lost and did some research as well as talked honestly to the latter friend.
Initially you express your sympathy by just saying something like " I am SO sorry to hear of your loss. If there is ANYTHING I can do to help, PLEASE let me know." Once a week (no more) for about 3 weeks, say "How are your doing?". Just let them talk or not, what ever they want. THEN, at some point I would say outright and honestly, "You know, I don't want to do anything that would make your pain worse. If I refer to your son, if the occasion presents itself, would that be too painful?" I said this to both friends (because I had read that was what you are suppose to do) and BOTH said without reservation "Please do, I love talking about them."
You see, they don't want people to act like they never existed. If you never mention them, then it is as if they never existed. That being said, I don't just, out of the blue, start talking about them. If we are talking about "kids" in general and what they do, then I will say
something. For example, my husband and I were playing golf
with her and her husband. We saw three boys playing golf. Someone mentioned how nice it was that they had an interest at an early age. I then said, "Did your boys have an interest in golf?" She and her husband both smiled and answered. So there you are. The worse thing, USUALLY, is to say nothing.

I lost twin sons shortly after birth. I would have to agree with the mom who said that, if you can, to ask about the child. I returned to work several weeks after my ordeal. For me, it definitely was NOT business as usual. In fact, I very much appreciated those co-workers who mentioned my boys or expressed their condolences to me. DO NOT IGNORE THEM. That is the worst thing someone can do, besides telling them that "they will get over it." That never happens. And expect that they will cry and have break downs. That is only normal.

As far as something physically to do, forget the flowers. I appreciated the day-to-day things that still needed to get done, especially if this co-worker has other children (which I did). Anyone who brought over dinners was great, and also grocery shopping, cleaning, or anything else that still needs to get done. The grief process is so emotionally draining, that many times you don't have the energy to do anything else but grieve. Good luck to you and your co-worker.

Well when we lost our son..food was great to bring. I nor my husband had any energy to cook so casseroles and such are a great thing. Don't pretend she never had a child. Let her talk about him whenever she wants and really listen. This is going to be super rough because the pain of losing your child is so different than losing anyone else. Your children are just not suppose to die before us.This site was a great support system to me http://www.missfoundation.org/ It was started for people who lost their child in pregnancy (stillborn) or early birth but they have a forum board for losing children in infancy and later in life. If you have any more questions or anything else you can private message me if you'd like

That is a feeling you would never want to experience as a parent. I lost my youngest son eight years ago when he was seven weeks old and I still can't believe he is gone sometimes. Sometimes words aren't enough, but, you can just let her know that she has your support. She will most definitely need all the support she can get. Basically, just be there for her even if you have to cry with her. There are plenty of support groups out there that you can probably get some better advice from. In my case, I was fine as long as I talked about it as much as I could stand to. My prayers go out to the family.

L.,

That is so sad:( I know during a family crisis at work we used to have a sign-up sheet for co-workers to donate dinners on specific nights. The families were so appreciative! Another thing to do is just be there for your co-worker. She will be hurting for a long time to come:( I'll be praying for the family. What a tragedy!

A.

All these ideas are wonderful. I would like to add one more. For an important day coming up, such as Christmas, Mother's Day or the baby's birth date or death date, I would acknowlege these days with a thoughtful card. Another idea would be to get your co workers together to plant a tree or give a donation to a worthy cause in the baby's name. Parents are glad for any acknowledgement that their child lived and touched others lives.

I am so sorry to hear about your co worker. I myself have not lost a child, but I did loose a brother, and he was not a baby, he was 16, and I think it was shocking all the same for my parents. I think the best thing anyone can do is acknowledge that it happened...go to the funeral or meorial, send flowers, a card, etc. let her know that you be there for her, but when she gets back to work I'd treat her as normal as possible. It is not fair, and it is a really heartbreaking thing, but I know for both my parents feeling like they had a purpose, and not being treated like they were made of glass helped a lot. Some sense of normalacy...work may be the only place she has that for awhile...will probably go a long way. Also, my husband's coworker lost a baby to SIDS a couple of years back...and they all just tried to be there for her in any way they could, and let her kind of guide things as far as what she needed. The crappy thing is that no matter how sorry we are, it will never even scratch what a parent who has lost a child is going through, and all that we can do is be there in any way we can. I will keep your coworker in my thoughts, and I hope this helps.

I had a co-worker who lost her baby in 7th month of pregnancy due to a genetic heart condition where the baby's heart failed and she still had to go through with labor & delivery. We all felt awful at work and had no idea what do either. She was very relieved to talk about the situation just as all the other women have mentioned. We just let her talk it out and she had a healthy baby within a year and included the genetic testing required to detect the genetic heart problem.

I agree, forget the flowers. What I remember her appreciating the most was the little things like a spa gift basket from H20 pedi/mani spa day at a local salon, and each coworker on her team, there were 5 of us total, made a casserole or some other easy dish to freeze/re-heat so she had dinner for her and her husband for a whole week after she came back to work or while she was on leave whatever she decided to do with the dishes.

Just remember she is a person and like all of us, needs to talk it out in her own way. If she was open to you before about her children, I'm sure she'll appreciate a good ear when she returns. Good luck. -Judy

I worked with a woman whose 6 month old died, suddenly, (SIDS-we think), we were told to leave her alone (that is what she asked HR to do), she didn't want to talk about it and when she was ready she would talk to people about it. I couldn't bring myself to go to the wake or funeral (I was 7 months pregnant at the time) I just waited until she was ready and she talked about stuff she thought I should know about feeding/toys/teething, this was her first child and when I left the company she and her husband were talking about having another child (when she was ready). I would just be supportive, let her know you care but not overly caring. Good Luck.

Obviously this is different than when a child passes away, but I know when my mom passed away we had a neighbor that used to bring homemade meals to our house because obviously no one was up to cooking. That really helped.

A co-worker of mine lost his son at 9 months. His son was born with severe heart defects, down syndrome - an entire gammot of health issues. After countless surgeries, heartache and loss, he passed away at 9 months.

We all felt the same way & were really at a loss. I would go with what the family decides. This guy I worked with elected not to have a funeral, but instead a few months after the baby passed, they had a picnic in his honor to celebrate his life. He developed a newsletter to update everyone on how the family was doing, etc. and we all really got to know him & help him through this - but in a way that would benefit him.

If there is a service, then attendance &/or flowers would be appropriate as well as just offering your time if they needed you. This is a very personal thing for a family to go through and tremendously difficult. I would follow their lead & just be there if they want someone to talk to. Other than that, I wouldn't make a big deal out of it - business as usual would be the best way to go after letting them know you're there if they need something.

Best of luck & I'll pray for all of them.
J.

When she returns, acknowledge her loss to her. Don't tiptoe around her or treat her with kid gloves, she'll know. If you are the "hugging" type of person, hugs work wonders, or even the occasional pat on the shoulder or hand. If you see she is having a difficult day or hour, just give her a warm little hug of acknowledgement. Don't tell her things will be alright, cause you don't know that and she can't see that right now in her grief. An occasional card left on her desk that gives encouragement or just says you are thinking about her today might help too. Don't stop talking when she walks into a room, continue with you conversation even if it is about your children. Eventually she will appreciate hearing about what your kids are doing etc. Not so much at first but down the road she will. Remember, everyone grieves at their own pace. She can't just "get over with it" or "move forward" at your expected time line. As time passes, her life will get easier and she will move forward, but it needs to be at her speed not yours. Hope this helps.
K.