Could This Be Bullying ?

Stuff like this has been going on for years and years. The only difference is that for years the kids all worked it out themselves. They either quit being friends or became best friends. Sorry to say, but today kids are not allowed to handle things themselves. They expect Mom to handle problems. So if it is a problem, tell them they cannot play together anymore. This, however, is not bullying. It is normal kid stuff.

it's not bullying , it's being bossy.
I'd tell the other mother what her child is saying at least. I'd also tell the child she needs to stop being so bossy or they won't be allowed to play for a few days. Don't threaten to do something you aren't willing to do.

I don't think this is bullying. I think that the older kids are trying to get rid of him. It seems common sense would be for you to not let your children play with those who are rude. Why do you feel bad about telling the neighbor children no? It's your job to supervise and protect your own children.

I suggest that you do not have a good relationship with the mom. A friendship requires that friends are able to discuss this sort of thing. Why do you assume this will hurt her feelings? Perhaps she doesn't even know this is going on. If they're playing in her house and she doesn't know then I wouldn't let them play there if only because they are not being adequately supervised.

If you want the children to play together then you have to talk with the mom to see if she can work with you to teach them how to get along and how to be friends. The two of you must come up with a plan.

If you and their mom want your children to have a friendship then you both need to supervise their play so that you can help them learn how to get along. But first, find out if the older kids really do want to play with the younger ones.

I am confused. Why do the neighbor children come to your door and ask yours to play? And why do your children want to play with them when they're treated this way? I suggest that you teach your children not to accept this sort of treatment. You defend them so that they know that they're good and worth defending.

There is a world of difference between a 6 year old boy and 9 year old girl, so I'm not sure this is the right playmate for your son, regardless of any of the factors you indicate in your post.

A few things stick out to me.....
1. Bad language is not bullying. I assume the F word is F#CK and not ____@____.com? I don't know what the A--H--E word is.... A$$hole???? this would indicate to me that these kids are poorly raised.... but not necessarily bullies.
2. saying that your son can't touch his toys because of your color isn't bullying it's racism and that right there would be enough for me not to ever be friends with this family again.... how can you say you are good friends with this kid's mom? Clearly he is learning this behavior from somewhere.....
3. Saying your son's ideas are stupid, again isn't bullying.... it indicates that these kids are not the right playmates for your son.
4. You can't HINT to kids. Say it straight out. Your behavior is not acceptable. Son can't come out tonight.

I'm not sure why you are in a confusion if you are watching your son's self-esteem suffer. Get your son away from the kids who are not being nice. Why would you feel bad to protect your son? Coach your son to find friends who treat him well. Teach him the tools to stick up for himself..... and that starts with him watching YOU stick up for him. Right now he's watching you basically say it's ok for these kids to treat your son bad..... is that the model you want to set? I don't think so.

Whether or not you talk to the mom, is up to you. I probably wouldn't.... because in my opinion you can't fix stupid. Just stop associating with them. If the mom questions as to why then you can say the kids weren't able to get along and you feel it's best for your son to get some friends his own age.
I would get myself in trouble with this woman..... because if she questioned why I didn't let my son hang out with her kids anymore, I would say that my son is going to get some friends who are ok with the color of his skin and let him touch their toys, since her son said he couldn't..... but this is me always opening my mouth.... so I don't suggest you say that. Even though I would.

Bottom line..... YOU are the only advocate for your son. Protect him by teaching him to get friends who accept him. YOU should do that as well.

1) I doubt this is bullying. It sounds like kids with no adult guidance from either you (who knows what is going on) or Mom, who may or may not.

2) Even with adult guidance, they're reaching age levels where it could be very difficult (a 3 year gap is sometimes peer & sometimes 2 totally different worlds.)

1+2) With no adult guidance & 2 totally different developmental stages (little kid & preadolescent / puberty) ... There are GOING to be problems.

This is the grown ups fault, here. Period.
Kids push boundaries.
Kids don't KNOW boundaries.
Kids need guidance.
They aren't getting any

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A few things to think about

1 - Saying something is "stupid" is the end of the world in some families, and normal conversation in others. In GOOD families, both concepts are used. If you don't allow the word stupid... You need to substitute words you do allow. Babyish, boring, uninspiring, won't work, not my cuppa... Whatever. Kids aren't parents / adults. When they don't like something, for whatever reason, they say so. Toddlers hit/grab/cry. Kids use words. What words they use are shaped by the adults preference. If you don't tell them your preference, don't be horrified that they use other words.

((I don't allow the word "boring" in my house, for example. Uninspired, on the other hand, is okay. As is "Id like to do something else / ________." Or "I can't think of what to do." / etc. I don't get mad at kids who come over and say "Im bored" or "That's boring". Instead... I say... "Hey Jimmy! No ones bored in this house. Bored doesnt have a solution! Bored is totally terminal. Worse, it means we clean! I don't wanna clean. So Im reeeeally hoping you're just wanting to do something fun, but don't know what!" / "Yeah Mrs Kiddos Mom! We want something fun to do!"))

2 - Swearing is something not allowed in MOST families... But kids do it anyway, until corrected.

$&#%!

Hey, Jimmy! We don't swear in this house!

Whoa! Your mom has really good ears! / Yes Mrs Kiddos Mom!!

3 - I don't want to hurt the mom's feelings / I feel bad saying no / my sons self esteem is getting a big hit

... Priorities.
Your own kids & family 1st
Little people 2nd (as in, you're the grown up, you make the decisions)
Adults outside the family 3rd

INSTEAD of

Neighbor lady 1st
Little people's wants over your own families needs
Your kid and family last

4- how many times can you say no?
As many times as you're asked, when the answer is no.
DONT say No, No, I don't know, Maybe, I guess, Yes.
Kids are smart. That just means they ask you 6 times
If you bought a lottery ticket, lost, but only had to ask for a million bucks 10, 50, heck... Even 5,000 times? C'mon. Anyone would say "Please" 5,000 times for a million bucks. That's EXACTLY what giving in does. It tells any smart person to keep asking.
So when you mean "No." Say "No".

5- Don't Bluff.

Parenting comes with an awesome superpower: What you say is going to happen, happens. How cool is that??? But you have to use it. When you say something is going to happen, or not, then make it happen.

It isn't bullying. It's just bad behavior. Every act of unkindness is not bullying. A 9 year old will think his ideas are better than that of a 6 year old, and with siblings, he probably talks to his brother that way and tells him his ideas are stupid. The three year age difference may simply be too much, a 9 year old may be too old of a friend for a 6 year old. They aren't peers. Now, the part about color is a problem and I would put a stop to the friendship right there. If their family doesn't mix with other races, then they need to stop coming over to your house. If he rings the doorbell again, send him away and tell him that he needs to come back with his mother or father to apologize

Nope, not bullying. Your child was not threatened or put in danger. It's kids being controlling and bossy.

Just because they live next door doesn't mean they HAVE to play together. It sounds like the older ones have outgrown the younger ones, but still play with them because they're easily accessible. My opinion is that kids shouldn't be forced to play with other kids that are mistreating them or kids that they don't have anything in common with or get along with.

This is a great opportunity to teach your child what a "friend" actually is. Teach him to stand up for himself. If they continue, then stop the play dates. Your son can tell them "I'm not playing with you anymore because you're not nice to me and I'm tired of it". And encourage him to find new friends.

stop angsting.
older kids have forever and a day treated the younger ones meanly. they get sick of the little guys and drive them off in the immature, developmentally appropriate, difficult-for-parents-to-swallow ways that not-adult little people do.
tell the younger ones to leave the older ones alone, and just play with each other.
you're an adult. these little guys cannot 'drag' your kid off without your permission. set boundaries and make them clear.
tell the mother about the bad language.
stop making threats you don't mean.
have reasonable expectations.
khairete
S.

As a neighbor mom...you have a voice...use it! Tell these children their behavior is unacceptable and until they can be nice they should not come to your door anymore. Scare them a little. Let them know who's boss. I would also talk to their mom too. I would not let them play together without supervision. My children are only allowed to play with the neighbor kids who are older outside when I am out doing stuff in the yard garage etc, I do not trust them. My children are not allowed to go in their house. They have no supervision and do whatever they want.

It's sort of bullying, but bullying is more when a child can't do anything about it because they are stuck at school or some such thing. Your son CAN do something about it by not not playing with these kids!

There can be a big difference between a 6 year old and a 7 year old if one is just in kindergarten and the other is in first grade. A 9 year old should not be playing with a 6-year old. Of course a 6-year old's ideas are going to seem "dumb" to a 9-year old. The 9-year old is being rude to say it, but they really shouldn't be playing together in the first place.

Of course you can stop them playing! You can say "no thanks," you can talk with the kids about rules and being nice! Have the kids play at your house and then keep an eye on them. If they start being mean, you can walk in and say "Hey, that's not a very respectful way to talk." Be the adult here.

I think YOU are being bullied by these kids! For heaven's sake, you are the adult in charge. Either your son plays with them and you talk to them about being nice or you say "no thanks" and send them on their way.

If I were you, I'd tell them "No, Junior can't play today because you are not being very respectful of his feelings. If you think you can be respectful of his feelings, then you can play with him right here in front of me. If I hear that you are being disrespectful, I will send you home and Junior will no longer be able to play with you."

Stand up for your son!

The term bully is thrown around way too much due to the media it has received.

When I read your post, I read it as 2 children being overly bossy. Now as far as the language, I would mention that it needs to stop around my children.

Tone down the visits, keep saying no for a while, get your child in another activity so these are not the only children he plays with. Children can be mean and bossy.... that does not indicate it is bullying.

Empower your child to stand up for himself. Use his voice and when they treat him will no respect, tell him to get up and go home and tell them why he is leaving. Leave with his head up high.

Be careful about labelling what bullying is. It will put ANYthing that comes out of anyone's mouth as bullying. What's being classified as bullying is growing increasingly. No one needs to walk on eggshells.

Now what I would do when the neighbor kids come over to get your son is to tell them 'not today' or 'not for a while' and then explain that until they clean out their mouths and also learn to play fair, your son will find better things to do. What they're exhibiting they're learning probably from schoolmates or because they haven't adjusted well to the divorce. Perhaps the absentee parent has used language like this and they've picked it up. Explain to them that color never seemed to be a problem before and shouldn't be now. If their mom asks, just explain the situation. If you're good friends she should have the courtesy of listening w/out getting angry at you.

The only bullying is done by the parents making these kids play together when they clearly aren't friends.

You can't bully kids into liking each other. Just because your child still wants to play with them doesn't make them friends.
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I just wanted to mention I didn't think you were forcing your child, it just seems like your neighbor only allows her kids to play at your house because it is easy. Kids will do whatever it takes to get out of that situation including being mean to the host.

Here's the problem, Mom. You are forgetting that you are supposed to be the adult when these kids are misbehaving. You need to act like the adult and put a stop to it. Your children are counting on you to take care of them. Letting these kids bully them is not taking care of your chidren.

From now on, you send the kids home the FIRST time they say something like this. Every time. When your friend asks you why you're sending the kids home, tell her. Be honest. Tell her that you realize that they are hearing it somewhere, but you cannot have them talking like this to your children.

Perhaps her kids will learn the lesson very quickly. Maybe you'll have to send them home 3 minutes after they arrive several times before they "get it". Perhaps you'll end up turning them down at the door until they learn their lesson. Whatever it is, you MUST NOT put up with this one more day.

The next time these kids come over, you sit them down in your living room and you have a talk with them. You tell them that the things they are saying are inappropriate and you tell them WHAT is inappropriate. You tell them WHY it's inappropriate. You have to be the adult here. BE the adult. No hinting. Hinting just tells them that you are wishy-washy and they can walk all over you.

You do NOT have to let your children go to their house. You need to only allow the playing to be in YOUR house where you can supervise them. You ask how many times you can say no to them? The answer is how many times it takes! Everytime they say bad words in your home, you tell them that they broke your rules and they have to go home. ANYTIME they call your children or the other child stupid, they go home. If they act ugly in any way, they go home. Do it over and over until they either stop coming or they SHAPE UP.

You need to stay with these kids when they play, mom. Don't leave them alone. Either they straighten up or they just do NOT play with your kids. Make it stick.

Dawn

You've let your kid play with them for YEARS???? I'm so sorry for your son.
WHY?? it's easy, you "send" them out to play.
Sounds like you're too lazy to get your kid away from these terrible kids.
Sorry this is on you,
you cant change your neighbor's kids but you can get your kids away from them by saying No you cant play with them and yes I'll arrange a play date with someone decent.

Bullying, no. Inappropriate behavior, yes. Why are you so afraid to talk to the other mom? You say you are good friends. In her place, I'd want to know if my children were being so unkind. She can't address it if she doesn't know.

We once lived across the street from a family with a few difficult kids. The parents knew they were difficult kids - they had a diagnosis of Asperger's, and had some trouble interacting appropriately with other children. When they were over at my house, they followed my house rules. If they used bad language or were mean, they were called on it (as are my own children). And since I knew that these boys were learning, and did not have good social instincts, I explained WHY the offending behavior wasn't okay. If the trouble continued, I took them back to their house. It was not always easy. Once or twice if the bad behavior had been REALLY bad they came back over later in the company of their father with an apology. The parents actually thanked me for this. Others in the neighborhood wouldn't engage - they simply did not have the kids over.

Having them around did mean that I had to pay attention - I couldn't simply send the kids into the back yard and go do my own thing. If there is a history of bad behavior, you need to keep an eye and ear open when these kids are around.

Next time the mean kids are at your door, invite them in for a chat. Explain that your son is getting his feelings hurt when he is with them. Identify the problem behavior. Explain to them why it is a problem. Ask them to imagine how they would feel in your son's shoes. Then tell them that they have a choice - either they amend their behavior, or your son will not be available to play. Also make sure they know that if they use bad language at your place they'll be sent home. Period. Hints are not enough - kids don't get hints.

Then go with them to their house, tell the other mother what has been happening, and have the grown-up version of the same conversation. Kids sometimes need guidance from adults about their behavior. They also need to see adults problem-solving. (Alternatively, talk to the mom before you talk to the kids. The thing is, you don't have to have misbehaving kids in your house unless they are your own. And you don't have to send your son over to play if these kids are consistently mean to him. But if you don't talk to them, nothing will change.)

Don't expect 100% perfection. Look for improving behavior. Expect to need to remind the other kids, just as you need to remind your own child. Also make sure your son knows that if playing next door isn't working out for him, he doesn't have to stay there and tolerate being mistreated. He can say to an offending child, "Please stop XYZ..." He can politely excuse himself and come home. You could also go over with him a few times. Take over some tea or coffee or cookies. Visit with the other mom while the kids play. You are friends, right? Then you are available to your son if he needs you without hovering.

I'm no way shape or form a pro in this area. But I would say talk to your neighbor. The only thing you could do is hurt your friendship, but you would help your son. The words that the neighbor boy uses needs to be talked about also. Just watch how you come across. If you come across the right way, you can always say you were in the right if it goes south. I hope you figure it out and it works out! Good luck!

Every time I lament that we don't live in a neighborhood with more kids I read a post like yours and thank my lucky stars. :P

I think it could be considered bullying (??) - that being said I'd put more focus on distancing ourselves from that family (though it IS hard to do when they live next door - ugh).

Get your child involved in other activities and out with other kids. I wouldn't subject him to that treatment by your neighbors.

Don't play with them and certainly tell the mom if their kids are cursing. I know my kids get cursing from their father (not sure how the divorce part comes in, I"m nearly divorced) and if someone told me my kid either hit or is bullying someone I would rain fire on my kids for it (dramatic, I know). I don't like bullying and I won't stand to have my kids be "that" kid. Thankfully they are all too geeky to be bullies.

Kids can be mean. One advantage to young kids playing with older kids is the older ones can teach the younger ones. But...when the older ones are mean, it is your responsibility to either correct it or remove your child. Calling another child stupid is wrong and kids use the word stupid too much. He didn't say your kid was stupid, but the idea was stupid. So, supervise and you tell them not to say it like that. You need to be present though. Kids that age need play supervision. Bad language at that age? Tell the mom! Racist remarks at that age? That to me is a big problem because that is taught to kids. So you need to have a discussion with the mom. But you said "she is a divorcee but is very nice." Like ones marital situation has anything to do with her ability to be nice? So she's a nice divorcee. Glad to hear it.

You won't always be there when your kid needs help. I find it best to teach my kids what to say. The most basic thing is, when they come to the door and ask your son to play ask him in front of them. Do you want to go play at the neighbors house? Talk with him before hand and let him know that it is ok to say no. That you don't have to play with others who are not nice. Those kids are not nice and he does not have to go play with them. When the kids say, how come? Let him tell them that he feels that they don't play nicely. Or he could say, can we take turns deciding what to play? He doesn't always have to do what they want to do, and they shouldn't have to do what he always wants to do.

Also, there's always two sides to every story. If you talk with the other mom, which you have to be very careful about since you are neighbors, I'd ask her questions such as: Do your kids ever say anything about my son not playing nicely? Do they seem to get along when they are over here? That could lead into hmm well my son has been saying such and such and I was just concerned.

Another way to help this along is to have them to your house so that you can teach them all how to play correctly. Some kids learn on their own, but others (most) really need to be taught how to compromise, share, and take turns choosing activities.

Good luck. These situations are so tough to deal with. That's why I try to give my children the tools to deal with it on their own. Some day, they'll remember what I say to help them in situations they're uncomfortable in..hopefully. :)

Step up n say something to the mom. But remember what we think stinks most ont and ruins relation ships I went tough this similar situation when my daughter was 7 unfortunately she lost a friend I lost of friend they say there down to earth people but there not there all for themselves. You really need to be careful on wording your concerns or it will lap you back. Good luck!