Could / Would You Live Married like This?

I've lived with a LOT. 4 years of no good very bad marriage because I loved my husband, and 2 more because I love my son.

6 years out of 11 years were bad. That's how long it took me to file.

If she's only a year or 3 into no good very bad, after over 20 years together? Then she probably still has hope. Still has good years and memories that mean more to her than these years.

COULD I stay, as she is? I DID, with much worse, for longer. Not the best decision on my part, but I can live with it. I couldn't live with giving up before hope died.

You see... I have too many examples in my own family of stellar people who stuck their heads up their bums for a few years, and then got over it. And their spouses hung tough, and theyre deeply in love for decades longers. My husband never pulled his head out. In fact, he stuck it so far up his bum that little bump in his throat is his nose. But I had to wait to find out, that no... He's really a tool... And not worth waiting for.

No, so SADLY denial was not for me. I say SADLY because anyone can wait it out for years, for financial reasons, a house, the 'kids' and get older by the day. That is not living.And yes, it does affect those around us but I count myself among the brave women out there who took my life into my own hands and left a horrible situation. And happily yesterday was my SEVENTEEN YEARS anniversary to my new husband who I met when I got out of denial and took another road. I do not believe in divorce really truly, but when you are with someone as cold as this man is, she is going to suffer more, doing nothing then if she moves into action. If she makes a decision help her. And wish her luck from me!

Yes, I could live like roommates. No, I would not allow sneaky cell phone calls or not checking in. No way I would go to the inlaws without my husband.

I would assume he is having an affair and be getting money set aside.
I would also be seeing a lawyer to make sure I am protected.

NOPE. Part of why my husband and I just split, I'm not his room mate, I'm not his maid, I'm not his child care provider, I'm not his cook, I'm not his accountant...

9 in 10 women adapt to a marriage like that. I'm that 1 in 10 that refused to be a door mat.

I hope your friend finds the strength inside of her that we all have to go make herself happy, because she deserves it!!

Totally. There are times when I count the years until my youngest is grown and we can just end it and move on. About 12 years left.

She's probably hoping that this is just a mid-life crisis and that he will snap out of it, and certainly, that happens. I can definitely understand getting this far into her marriage and being totally unprepared to end it. If they had a fairly solid marriage until now, they are probable dependent on each other for not only short-time finance (day to day income and expenses, the roof over their heads) but also long-term finances like retirement. She may also be going through menopause and just not have the energy to do what she needs to do. It's scary. I know that if we get to that point when our youngest if off to college I'll be able to support myself, but that's because I've mentally had an exit strategy in place from early on (as has he, it's not a secret) - even so, if this doesn't work out, it'll be hard to just walk away from it all.

Anyway...I can understand where your friend is coming from. It's easy to think "I would never put up with X, Y & Z" but when it's your actual life, it's a lot harder to think in black and white and not to have hope that things will get better, however irrational that hope may be.

My mom has an aunt and uncle who are married but have lived in different houses for decades. She still goes over there to cook, clean and help with his laundry. I would presume that his pension is paying both of their bills. Not for me, but it seems to work for them.

No I couldn't but I'm not your friend.

Sounds like she could use some friends in her life right now.

aw, so sad. it's such a common story, all those years as partners, and on the far side they see that they've lost all their connection. if they've tried counseling and it hasn't worked, it may be kaput. it certainly sounds as if he has checked out, even if she hasn't.
i could only live like that it we were still friends and still got along really well in all the non-romantic ways, which is awfully rare and it doesn't sound as if it's the case here.
Life After Kids is really and truly a whole different world, every bit as different as the sudden shocking change when kids first show up. that's why it's so very, very important for couples to make each other a priority as they raise their families. babies are so all-encompassing that it becomes so easy to lose sight of everyone else, but marriages are supposed to be more than baby-raising conglomerates.
it's perfectly possible for this couple to rediscover each other and fall in love on a whole different level (i'm so relieved and grateful that my lover/husband/partner/BFF/fellow adventurer are in that phase) but both of 'em would need to be fully invested in finding ways of making it happen.
sounds like she knows it's over but is naturally scared and hoping she doesn't have to face this new unknown chapter on her own. you sound like a good friend. maybe ask her a series of questions, ala sokrates, and help her lead herself to the right answers.
khairete
S.

Trust your friend that, if she chose that route, she has darn good reasons for it. It's not easy to leave, it's not easy to stay, everyone does their math and picks a side. Just be there to listen to her vents, you (or anyone else) can never know what future holds for this couple.

They are living as roommates.
As though they are not married, just 2 people sharing a house.

If she is fine with that, fine, but I would tell her if she is going to continue to live like this, to please quit complaining a fretting.

If she wants to try to work on this.. they need to go to counseling.
If it works, great, if not, then SHE needs to decide, is she better with him or without him.

But right now, they are in a transition time.

When our daughter left for college we consoled each other, and began to give each other the attention we had not been able to give each other since before she was born.

We missed her terribly, but took care of each other and comforted each other,.

We then began to do all of the things we had not been able to do for 18 years.

But no. My life is too important to settle or to put up with being ignored by my husband.

No -this happens a lot when the kids leave home. I wouldn't live like this though. It sounds like he's likely having an affair, but even if he's not- I wouldn't want to live this way. If he's not willing to go to counseling and work on the relationship -or if she's not -then they should go ahead and divorce. And WTH?!?! -he doesn't want to go to his parents' but expects her to? How old are they? Sounds like someone is deep in mid-life crisis mode.

I can't -- and DON'T WANT TO --imagine living like that, but since I've not been there, I can't honestly say what I'd do. If they're not fighting, doing their own thing, I guess it's basically being roommates (which I've done just fine when I was a young adult) instead of marriage partners. If she wants to have a go of living alone, having her independence, not seeing him anymore, and split everything 50/50, then divorce is an option. If she is scared to live alone after all this time, if she's at least a little dependent, still loves him/hopes things will get better/wants to stay "friends", or doesn't want to sell the house and start splitting things up....then I can see that. It's not a marriage, but a coexisting. I think it's sad, but no way would I judge her on it. I truly can't say what I'd do in that situation since I've not gone through it. I don't really think the marriage went from happy and thriving to this state just because the kids went to college. Probably was awhile in the making. Sheesh. :(

Is she able to financially support herself? Here is a way to take her into thethe world of life possibilities without being the person to break het away. From a comfort zone she is living in. Ask her if she has sn interest and perhaps she should go back to school for it. During the evening when mist older people attend. It may help her meet others and realize that life is too short to settle. Otherwise just be there for her when the husband announces he is divorcing her to marry someone he is actually in live with be her friend and just be there.

If nothing else, she should check the financial accounts and see where they stand. You could sit her down and tell her she needs to face the facts and help her go through the pros and cons of staying or leaving. This is how marriages were in the past - the woman was stuck since she could not have a career on her own and the husband could do what he wanted. Many women at that time had their own lives outside of their husbands and the arrangement ended up being mostly financial and to stay within the bounds of societal rules at the time (think Victorian times not the 60's). This could be her thinking and if you are not willing to share your thoughts with her she may not be willing to share hers with you.

I have lived this way but I made the change and turned it around. It doesn't sound like he is willing and it sounds like she tried.

But you should only give advice where she requests it and otherwise just be there for her.

This question isn't really about how any of us would cope, is it? You're wondering how your friend can tolerate it. And why she would think he will "come around." I cant' imagine what she thinks will MAKE him come around -- it isn't her, because she isn't doing anything to push him either to come closer to her again or to get the heck out for good. She's doing....nothing. You say you don't want to add your two cents to the obvious, but truly, has anyone sat her down and said, "I may lose your friendship over this, but do you realize that your husband is sneaking around making phone calls and is out all the time and you are just lying back and taking it?"

If she were my friend, I would advise her to confront him. He is either (1) severely depressed and/or bipolar or otherwise in need of serious medical help, and she must decide whether she has the energy and desire to push him toward help; (2) having an affair, or more than one affair, and she's enabling him by doing nothing so she should leave him immediately; (3) not having an affair, but doing something illegal that he's hiding from her; (4) into drugs and/or alcohol to the point he pretty much is living just for that, and her denial means she doesn't see it.

How can she know what the answer is if she never asks?

Whatever the answer, she must protect herself now. She should check any joint accounts they have carefully to see if he is stripping money out of them without her knowledge -- he could even have closed or cleaned out accounts. She should be sure of what money she has solely in her own name and start amassing as much getaway money as she can. She should check that he has not done things to properties owned iin both their names, such as the house or cars-- has he talked to someone about selling but not told her yet? I would be highly suspicious that he is salting away cash or otherwise lining things up to leave her and leave her with nothing. She may say "that would be too suspicious of me, I trust him financially," etc. but she mustn't be a fool; she has to keep close tabs on money and salt away her own.

I don't think I could but then again I'm not in her shoes.

Things do change a lot when kids leave the nest... they have spent the last 18 years making sure the kid(s) were being raised right & not putting as much into remaining close - we all do it. Now that the kid(s) are gone or moving on, all they have is eachother & it's easier to see that their relationship has drifted.

My grandparents never really sleep in the same room at least not that I can remember (I'm 35) and they have been married 73 years. They do love eachother & when grandma is in the hospital, grandpa goes nuts cause she is not there.

My hubby & I don't sleep in the same room - I sleep on the couch & him in the bed... not because we don't love eachother, but because I can't sleep in the bed without waking up hurting all over and we can't afford a new matters. Plus, we have different sleep schedule. A lot of people might see us not sleeping together as not "normal", but it works for us and has for years. We still love eachother dearly & try to talk not just about money & our 6 kids, but sometimes it is harder to talk about us & keep the flame burning - it's more work to keep it going then to just deal with life, money & kids.

I agree that I wouldn't tell her to leave, and don't judge her. Maybe you could see they would go out on a double date with you sometime. Try to get them out and having a little fun - that way maybe they would start working on the flame again. But if she feels that she is willing to work on the relationship - let her. Just be there as an ear if she needs it.

It sounds like a very sad situation. No, I couldn't live like that for long but I don't blame your friend for wanting to fight for her marriage.

It sounds like your friend's husband is either having an affair or is depressed. They say that "insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result"! Avoiding the issue and thinking he'll "come around" on his own is not the answer. I strongly suggest that she makes the time to talk to him using the "I feel..." way of putting things to avoid him getting defensive (eg. "I feel lonely, like we're not connected any more" instead of "You don't pay any attention to me any more). Also, not all marriage counselling is equal and it's important to find a Therapy and Therapist that both partners relate to.

Imago Therapy saved my marriage.

That said, support your friend but don't tell her that she needs to leave him because (if they sort things out) it will make it akward for your friendship.

The biggest problem is that when he gets tired of it she is going to be screwed if she is a stay at home. At this point if they divorced the court would not designate custody so no child support, no spousal support except maybe a few years to get her on her feet.

If her fear is supporting herself she is setting herself up for a big problem.

He will not come around.
They don't even know what is wrong with each other because they don't even talk to each other. They are worse than roommates.
They have no relationship, at all. It is all just a pretend thing to keep up appearances to the outside world.

For 3 years this has been going on.
Who knows what the husband is doing or what kind of secret life he leads.
Whatever it is, I hope he is not bringing home diseases or debt or breaking any laws.

This is no way to live.
Your friend, is clinging to any last hope.
That is desperation.
She does need a friend.
Things like this can bring on a mental breakdown.
I know someone, that had a nervous breakdown... as a result of a crummy marriage and her husband wanting a divorce.
Look out for your friend. Even if she is in denial.

Sure a person has to realize things on their own. But.

No, I could not live like strangers.

No. The answer to your question is no.

Here's the thing. She needs to sit down with him and have a heart to heart talk. He may not want to hurt her feelings by saying he wants a divorce, he may want out of the marriage as much as she does. He may not see the issues either and not really think about it. He may even just want to stay married for financial reasons and live the life of a single person.

She needs to consider her lifestyle. Does she make enough to support herself in the lifestyle she wants to have? Is she able to go about her business and do whatever she wants? I have known 2 couples who had grown apart, they chose differently though.

One stayed together and lived in the same house, like roommates. They had financial security, taxes were still good, they bought things jointly for the house and got along very well once they decided they were going to do this.

Another couple divorced, she was employed but not in the income bracket he had been in. She ended up living in apartments the rest of her life and eventually in low income housing once she got older. She died in a nursing home with no insurance, poor.

I would not want to live any of those lives. I would prefer to have a happy home and be content with the choices I made. So, your friend and her hubby need to have a heart to heart and find out what the other wants to do then consider all their options.