Contacting a Kids Ex

Updated on June 04, 2018
J.A. asks from Mount Laurel, NJ
12 answers

My daughter broke up with her BF of 6 mo. They are 19. We are happy she got out of a relationship if she wasn’t happy. They did spend a lot of time with our family and we got to know him very well. Should we? I don’t know what we’d say exactly. But it feels wierd to just ignore this. Maybe just say we are sorry about what happened but we think you are such a great young man and we will miss seeing you!?!

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answers from Boston on

My now adult kids have had quite a few boyfriends/girlfriends over the years. When they break up I never contact them. If I run into one or their parents I smile say hi and keep it moving. My job is to support my child emotionally just as the other parents should be doing with their child.

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answers from New York on

Get some perspective here - your *hope* should be that your now-adult daughter will feel comfortable introducing you to every serious boyfriend she has, from now til forever. You're going to send a note to each one? In ten years, you'll be sending "we miss you" notes to grown men?

Leave it alone.

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answers from San Francisco on

No please don't, that would be so awkward for both your daughter and the ex.
Of course you can still be friendly if/when you see him around town but beyond that you need to let it go.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

Don't do this. You will be embarrassing your daughter, and him. IF you run into him just coincidence, you can offer a warm smile and say hello, nice to see you. But that's really about it. Telling him he is such a nice young man and you will miss him (though I can understand why you feel this way) is a bit over the top.

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answers from Miami on

No, no. It's like you'd be doing an end-run around your daughter. If he reaches out to you, it's okay to ask him how he's doing, (keeping it light!), what his plans are, etc, as if you were talking to an old friend. However, if he asks about her, you only say that she's fine and don't give him "info" on her.

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answers from Norfolk on

No, just leave it alone.
Give it sometime and you'll meet your daughters next boyfriend.
If you contact the old boyfriend - she'll stop bringing boyfriends around for you to meet.
Get some perspective.
She dated this guy for 6 months - he's not an ex son in law.
And besides - he's moved on as well and meeting his next girlfriends family.
You are lingering too much over your daughters past relationships.

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answers from Washington DC on

Nooooooooooo. Just don't!

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answers from Portland on

I would not, personally.

What does your daughter want you to do?

If I was your daughter, I wouldn't want you to.

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answers from Boston on

Absolutely not. You have to stay out of this. It's not your relationship. They are 19. They weren't married, there are no children, they only dated 6 months. Stuff happens.

If you were to run into him on the street, then you should be cordial and wish him well, of course. You can ask where he's working or how his college studies are going, but that's it. Don't cross the street to avoid him, but don't go on about personal stuff.

Think of it this way. If you say the above, what are his response possibilities? 1) "Thanks but I I don't miss you." (That's not going to be satisfying!) 2) "I miss you too." (This gives the idea that your daughter - or he - made a poor decision because this whole thing was so much fun for YOU. That calls their judgment into question. Don't do that.) 3) "I have no idea why your daughter broke up with me." (Now you have to speak for her and either reiterate her reasons or say you don't agree with them. Either way, it's awkward.) 4) "I'm sorry you feel bad. What can I do to make it easier for you to bear?" (Now he's responsible, at least in part, for making you feel better. That's not his job.)

As "weird" as this feels for you, it feels 20 times as weird and awkward to them. They have a much bigger adjustment to make. Don't make them do even more by trying to make you feel better. If the end of a 6-month relationship is too hard for you, then I think you were too involved to begin with.

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answers from Washington DC on

i'm still facebook friends with an old gf of one of my sons.

but i didn't contact her when they broke up specifically to talk to her about it.

it feels weird to ignore it but it would be weirder yet to insinuate yourself into the situation.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

My son and his girlfriend broke up after dating for 10 months. We got close to her in those 10 months.

We had a BBQ and she came over. They are heading off to college in August. She's staying local and he's going 3 hours south.

We don't just invite her over. We ask our son first and get his feelings on it. We play games together and they are still friendly. I'm disappointed my son didn't treat her better (he has been hurt by girls before and built a wall up. AND college and distance was something they had discussed).

You ASK HER first.

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answers from Portland on

What is important to only say what your daughter would be ok with if she heard it. As teens, even 19 yo, what you say is likely to get back to her if they are friends of both of them.

Mostly, I say very little. I sympathize by saying something like I know this is hard. It is for both of them. Since you know him, I might say I've enjoyed knowing you. Saying he's a great young man is a bit condescending. Saying you"ll miss him may sound to your daughter that you're on his side. I stay out of my granddaughter's relationships. I know that this relation ship will be short term. I have fairly superficial relationships with boyfriends so that I don't feel a strong connection to them. I save the really getting to know him when they're both mature and on their own with enough exposure to them to know this relationship is likely long term.

This is her first boyfriend. There will be others. She needs to know that you stand behind her and won't get attached to her boyfriends. If you can be aware that a relationship is short term, that she is learning and will have other boyfriends. The purpose of dating is to learn what you want in a relationship and what you don't want.

Of course, she feels hurt and devastated. Support her by not talking about this boyfriend and deal with your own pain without involving her.

I would not call him. I,'d only talk with him if he calls or comes to your house.
Calling him puts him on the spot. And between the two.of them.

You do know, that it's possible, even likely, that they will get back together.

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