Feeling Unloved

There is NO WAY IN HELL I would send my husband out of town with any of my friends. Not a single chance.

They are away together, as a couple. Regardless of if that's how it's set up. they were out SHOPPING. something couples do...

A different present would have been more productive... a trip to the coast for all of you (you, husband and kids) and probably would have cost less, and been more fulfilling for all.

I don't mean to sound harsh on this, but when you're already having problems, sending him away with another woman isn't going to solve a thing.

I am with you on that one. Tell him if you decide against divorce you require at date night once a week with him & he has to arrange a sitter, make all the plans & it better be something you the wife loves. You also require a night out without him or the kids he has to stay home & be with them.

I do not think any of this is grounds for divorce, counseling yes, divorce no. It think the fact that no one is willing to communicate and fight for their marriage anymore is a major problem in this nation.

maybe the friend that went with your hubby to the game should have been the friend that stayed home and babysat for you?
your marriage needs some counseling or some major communication with radical changes on both of your parts. I hate to see you go 7 years and have 3 children and throw in the towel. These are the hardest years of a marriage. If I were you I would really try to find sitters for your kids so you can go fishing, camping, gaming and such WITH him otherwise you will grow apart.

You are not wrong to feel hurt and neglected. But, he is not wrong to be focusing on the activities of his trip.

He's on your mind all day, and you're wondering what he's doing and how much he's enjoying this birthday trip. However, it would be very unusual for a man to have his wife on his mind so much in this situation for three reasons:

1. He's a MAN.
They tend to compartmentalize things, and focus on one thing at a time. Literally. Women's brains think about multiple things at the same time and we often CAN'T stop thoughts of our husbands and children from mixing in with all of the others. Think of a man's brain like a waffle: there are multiple little boxes with walls between them. Each box represents a different thing in his life. He has a box labeled "football game", and others labeled "buy beer", "wife", "kids", "work", "call home", and believe it or not, there's even one that's labeled "nothing". It is not possible for him to be in more than one of these boxes at a time. Think of a woman's brain as a bowl of spaghetti, and each noodle represents one aspect of her life. The noodles are all jumbled together, so each one intersects with many other noodles. We have a hard time ignoring the thoughts that pop to the surface from all of the other aspects of our lives that one strand touches. The "husband" and "children" strands are extra long and thick.

2. He's busy enjoying the trip.
He has fun things to do, or he's relaxing in his "nothing" box from the demanding, tiring work and commute he's been doing. You are home with the same old drudgery.

3. He has already had contact with you several times in one day, so most men would check off the "call home" box for the day.

Given that you're feeling a lack of affection and caring from him in general, it's natural for you to feel the way that you do. You're probably also stressed with the demands of being home with three small children, and having your husband unavailable and/or unwilling to pinch hit for you.

What I'm about to suggest is going to seem counter-intuitive and will be very hard for you to do at first, but it is the best way to get your husband to act loving to you.
1. Work on being an ideal wife. NOT because he deserves it or because you're doing anything wrong now. Do it because you will know that you have given it your very best shot and you will know that you have become blameless in contributing to the rift in your marriage.
2. Keep ALL of your communication with him POSITIVE. No man wants to be told by his wife to avoid drinking too much because he'll be drinking the next day. He can figure that out for himself and make his own choice. Men are extra sensitive to criticism and anything that he can interpret as trying to control him. Instead, find other things to say in your messages, such as listening to game and texting him about a great play, or tell him something cute that one of the kids did.
3. Make it clear to him that you strongly desire him in bed (even if you are feeling too hurt to want him at first). Send one teasing message a night when he's away about what sexy thing you're going to do to him the first night he gets home. (Don't bombard him; leave him desiring more of you, not wishing you'd back off.) Find the energy somehow on the nights when he's home to make him glad that you're his woman. Put on make-up and brush your hair before he gets home.
4. Give him a big payoff every time he does any tiny thing to help with the house or kids. Lots of praise, compliment what a great dad he is or how well junior does at bedtime when Dad reads the story, etc. Don't be fake, but make it worth his while to do more. (Yes, I know that he SHOULD be doing these things as the dad anyway, but he ISN'T, and people aren't motivated by being criticized.) Let him do it HIS way, even if it isn't as good. Give him some companionship time after wards, with a casual mention that "since the kids are down to bed a little early, you have some time to sit with him". Whatever you do, don't ever respond with a complaint or long list of everything else he should do, such as "If you'd do that more often, I could have more time to do the other things you want me to do."
5. Find a way to get some stress relief for yourself. Call friends when you need to talk (men usually don't like to talk as much as we do, so find another way to meet some of this need for yourself). Get a babysitter once in awhile so that you can go do something on your own with friends or just shop alone. Trade off babysitting with another mother if you can't afford it. It would be great if your husband would give you a night or two a month when he looks after the kids, but he seems awfully stretched to the limit already. When I was a stay at home M., I tried to have a lot of my "girl time" at lunches, afternoon movies, or ladies' meetings during the day, so that it didn't infringe upon family time when my husband was home. But, it's also good for dads to be alone with the kids for the evening sometimes and get to do things in their own style on their own. Finding some social outlets and stress relief for yourself will take the pressure off of your husband to be responsible for all of your womanly need to talk and connect with adults and will help you to be your best self.

The bottom line is to become a source of pleasure, encouragement, and relaxation for your husband, so that you and your home will be his haven. He still probably won't be able to think in the "call home" box at the same time that he's busy with something else, but he sure will look forward to getting back home with you! And, then you have the best chance of getting the affection and caring that you need and deserve.

Let's see....
•You woke him up at 4:00 a.m.
•He texted an hour or so after that
•He called you after he landed at noon
•He texted you around 5:30 after you texted him with instructions...

Really? If he had your approval/blessing to go to the game, why is all of this interaction necessary? IDK, but my hubby & I have a close, loving,respectful relationship and when he's out with the boys, I know he's a grown man and I expect to see him when he gets home. I don't call & text constantly. That's just us, and I'm not criticizing but men really hate that.
If you love and trust your husband and he's "away" why all of the neediness?
NOW, as for you getting "no time" yourself, there's no magic involved...a man is not going to wake up and say "Honey, hit the bricks for awhile, take some time to yourself..." YOU have to plan for it and make it happen! What's good for the goose, after all is good for the gander, right?

Sorry to say this but I think that even if you know this female friend since you were 10 years old it doesn't mean she is not a woman.
I would never EVER let my husband go on any type of trip or vacation with any of my female friends or family members, sorry but I am not so trusting and I've seen a lot of relationships being ruined by "best friends" and "cousins" so that would be a big No for me.
Would he be OK if you went away with a "best friend" for a few days in a trip without him, I doubt it. Even if you knew him from birth I am sure he would oppose to the idea.
Besides, why is she with him instead of you? If she is such a great friend why didn't she offer to babysit for those few days and YOU went to the trip instead, you are the wife.
I think this situation is more for counseling than for a divorce, that would be a little extreme.

It's all over your posting that you wanted to go too. You called and called and texted him trying to be part of the fun. I read that you needed the hugs and kisses before he left, because you felt left out. It's no fun always having to stay home and do all the drudgery.

Don't think about divorce, instead sit down with him and tell him you need some fun and lovin too! The figure out how you can join him in some of the good times. You and he need to have that 'together' time just you and he, and time out with friends. I urge you to find some childcare and ways to fit it into the budget.

I would sit and talk with him first before thinking about divorce. I have threatened divorce on my husband several times because all he does is sits on his butt playing on his computer and 360 during the weekends and doesn't help me clean at all. We have a 9 month old son and are expecting another little boy in May. I know how you feel about doing everything yourself, not so much on the going out part because he can't stand to go anywhere with out me unless it's work of course. I am also a stay at home mom. Trust me maybe you really just need to sit and voice your concern and how you feel like your mostly a third wheel or just there for his convenience/ pleasure. Tell him you want to be more involved and that he needs to get his act together and help you out around the house. If he doesn't want to listen to reason, try and see if he'll do counciling, if he won't then think about divorce. Don't jump the gun because you may regret it especially since you have kids. Go through and just talk about your concerns. Good luck. :)

Hi there,

If I were experiencing what you have described, I would be upset and troubled too. No one likes to feel taken for granted and ignored. Even as we are mothers to our children, and even if we like to take care of our partners, we don't want to feel as though our significant other is treating us as a teen would treat *their* mother: maker of food, doer of the laundry, and facilitator of the fun.

A few things stood out for me when I read your description of your husband's leaving. First, that you stayed up until 4 a.m. so that *he* could make his flight. I am sure you were well-intentioned in this, however, this signals an imbalance in the relationship to me. Whose idea was this, anyway? The only reason I ask is just to wonder if you are maybe doing to much for him voluntarily, or if he's asking too much of you.

My second question would be simply: what do you want for yourself? For your family? How do you want things to change? It's worth thinking about. How do you perceive your role as mother and wife? Do you have to do all things for all people in your family, or are they welcome to take care of themselves--or not-- and to accept the consequences?

I will speak here from experience: I was once a wife (not a mother, then) in a similar situation. My then-husband was a good person, but because of his own personal issues, he needed me to be his mom more than he wanted to be a grown-up husband. Starting to speak with a counselor really helped me figure out both what I was wanting, and what I didn't want. I learned how to do my best to communicate my needs and explain this to my then-husband. We did eventually go to counseling (which imploded), and I learned at some point that while I was changing, he wasn't ready to do that.
I loved him a lot, and I came to a point that I knew I had to love myself equally, and that was when I knew he wasn't going to be the person I needed to be in an adult-peer relationship with. He needed a mommy to unconditionally meet his needs (relational, financial, homemaking, etc.), and I needed a relationship with a man who wanted to be responsible for himself.

This said, my advice would be to find out what YOU want and need. If you aren't into counseling (which I think is great, personally, because of the good support and guidance), start doing some soul-searching and journaling. Find a way to talk with your husband and just tell him your heart. "I feel (lonely, sad, hurt, neglected) when you don't want to kiss me goodbye. I'm your wife, and I love you, and when everything else seems more important than our connecting, it makes me feel like I'm not important to you anymore."

I won't tell you what to do in regard to staying or leaving-- you will have to figure that out on your own. Couples counseling can help; if both parties are invested in making things better, it does make a relationship stronger. I'm married again to a wonderful person, and because we are both previously divorced, we decided to start counseling a few years before we ended up getting married. It was worth it.

"I think I deserve better. I can't be with someone who doesn't love me like I love them... I can't."

This statement says a lot to me. You still have a real sense of self and what's healthy. I'm sure you will receive a lot of interpretations about what's happening in your relationship (mine included), and only you know the truth. We can't change others; we can only change who we are. It's good to find out what we want and need and go from there.

H.

From the way you describe it, it doesn't sound like he doesn't love you. It sounds like you are very different communicators. If you can find the time to read or audio book "men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", do it. We are SO different that it can cause major miscommunications. And when you mix kids and family responsibilities into the mix, plus how we each believe a family functions or how we're supposed to function in the family, it can get really wacked out. Also, sometimes in long term relationships, we think that our SO's should "know" what we want. Are you communicating any of this to him, or are you expecting him to "know" how you feel because you're feeling it so strongly in your own head? (I do this sometimes, myself)

It sounds like you guys need some "us" time, and that you need some "you" time. You're going to have to schedule it. Don't get a divorce. This is fixable, but you both may have to learn how to communicate differently. Don't try to "change" him. Figure out what you want to be different in the relationship, how to communicate it, and go from there.

I think long term relationships have their ups and downs. I have been married for 17 years and there have been times when my husband has acted just like yours. In fact, I had a friend who told me that my husband is in his own world.

At the same time, there are really wonderful times.

What men and women need are two different things. When my husband is on business or fun trips without the family, he asks about the kids but rarely asks to speak to them. But he does spend a lot of time being a boy scout leader, reading to them and helping with math homework when he is here.

I would not panic. I think you need to allow him the space but at the same time instead of playing like you are needy (reminding him that he didn't say he loved you) I think you would be better off sitting him down when the kids are with grandma or a friend and telling him exactly what you need for this relationship to work. Guys are clueless. He is thinking, " I did talk to her today, I did say I love you." He is not realizing that you are not feeling very special to him right now.

Good luck. Long marriages last not only because the two people love each other but they allow the ebb and flow that is natural to any relationship.

Wait...he is out of town with your female friend? I hate to even suggest this, but have you considered that's incredibly high risk and inappropriate? NO married man needs to be taking trips with female friends. Is it possible he is having a relationship with this person (or anyone else for that matter) out side of your marriage?

When he gets home, it really sounds like you need to sit and talk with him. He needs to hear everything you have said to us. Ask him if there is any inappropriate behavior going on. Tell him how you feel. He can't change, if he doens't know any of this. Get couples counseling ASAP.

Have you told him how you feel about all of this? I know with my husband, if you dont hit him over the head with something, he wont realize it's a problem. You have to tell him everything flat out. It's possible he's gotten into a rut and doesnt realize how you feel.

If you have talked to him and he doesn't listen, you could try counseling, maybe he needs to hear it from someone else.

I don't think you're over reacting. I know when I go out of town (my family lives 3ish hours away and sometimes my daughter and I go home for a weekend) we always at least call daddy before her bedtime and mine to say goodnight, plus random texts during the day. If he really doesnt realize something is wrong, perhaps a trial seperation. I know you still love him, but it's obvious that he is taking you for granted. If it were me, I'd try to work it out, but I wouldn't allow him to keep treating me this way.

My husband and I went through a bit of a period recently where he felt taken for granted and I didnt realize it until he told me. I felt pretty bad about it, but I could see what he was talking about when he told me. I've gone off the pill recently and my hormones are all over, and I hadnt realized I was taking it out on him until he finally hit his breaking point. I hope you can work it out, but I hope you also dont feel like it's all your fault if it doesnt.

I also hate to say it, but I agree with Bug, being out of town with a female friend does sound suspicious. Most of my close friends are men, but I still wouldn't go out of town with them without my husband.

I am sorry to hear you are hurting so much. It is painful when partners have different needs and are unable to meet the other person's needs. I have a couple suggestions if you want them:

1) counseling...the best would be a relationship therapist rather than a "marriage counselor". A relationship therapist will help the 2 of you learn how to more effectively communicate your needs without "pushing the buttons" of the other person and how to truly listen to each other.

2) Foster some interests of your own. It is very healthy for a relationship for you each to have your own interests that you pursue at least once a week. For me it is getting out to the gym or horseback riding, scrapbooking, or getting some alone time at the library. For my husband it is going out for coffee or beer with a friend, an afternoon rollerblading, or staying late at work to do personal projects (he is a mechanic and likes to fix up his own "machines").

Don't give up on the marriage yet. It sounds like it just needs some tweaking. Everyone is different. It sounds like you need lots of little signs of affection and your husband does not. It doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't love you or that you love him more than he loves you. I also think that 1-2 nights per week each doing your own thing is very reasonable as long as both partners have that opportunity. Right now it just seems lopsided. Good luck and big hugs.

I'm sorry. It isn't easy being the one left home, especially if you are normally the one home with the kids.
Please before considering divorce, since you say you love him try somethig to rekindle or talk to him. It doesn't sound like he is easy to talk to rightnow. Maybe you need a weekend or overnight for the two of you.
There are weekend marriage seminars like "Weekend to Remember"
Find some time for your self so you aren't stressd about him. Even if it takes getting a sitter.

I think you two have different needs and have different ways of showing/needing affection.

This is not grounds for divorce. But I think counseling would help you both tremendously in the area of communicating.

Truth is, men don't have the brains we do. He did text you and he did talk to you a couple times. So he was in touch. It isn't like he flat out disappeared and ignored you. There could be several factors involved with that (bad connection in the airport, being in a rush, didn't get your text right away or hear his phone beep, etc) and he may not show love the way you show love, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you!

there's a website called 5 Love Languages (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/) and you'd probably identify with it a little.

I bet you are a words of affection type or "quality time" type while he is a recieving gifts or acts of service type.

our partners are not the same as us. we can't expect them to show us love the way we WANT them to or how it makes us feel good, because they do it the way it makes THEM feel good. what's in their comfort zone.

so while youre texting, calling, getting up at 4am, and trying to be with him (your love language, and what YOU want him to do for YOU)... he is expressing his love HIS way. you just have to figure that out and stop being so offended that he isnt doing it your way.

kwim?

took me and my husband a while to figure this out.
=)

we have also been married 7 years and he travels 2weeks out of each month!!!!!!!

Hi,

I am sorry that you are struggling to feel loved, it is not a good place to be. One thing that really helped me and my husband was to each read the Gary Chapman book, The 5 Love Languages. My husband felt everything was fine in our relationship and just could not understand why I was complaining about not feeling loved. Now he understands better. The other thing we have done is the 10 Great Dates Program. The program is based on a book by the Arp's, I think. The program is nice because you have specific times where they provide childcare and the two of you go out for two hours with a specific topic to discuss. There are other similar programs available if you can't find that one. Things aren't suddenly going to get better no matter what you do, so you need to decide if you want to try to save your marriage, which will take lots of work and patience, or if you want to take on the hard work of getting a divorce, working and raising kids alone. Neither option probably looks all that great to you right now, but if you still love him I say work on your marriage.

Now let me say, that having been there and recently, I had to realize two things. First, my husband was and is not solely responsible for what was happening in our relationship. I had done things too that were not so loving. Try your best to calmly and clearly communicate to him your feelings and ask him about his intentions when he does things that upset you. Be prepared to really hear his side, because you may not like it. I don't know, of course, but sounds like you two really don't have much meaningful communication. Tell him that you would like to communicate more and ask him what you can do to help facilitate that. Second, I am absolutely the only one who can be or should be responsible for my happiness. My husband has no control over my social life, he is hardly home for 3 hours a day. Tell your husband you need a night out with your friends, ask him what nights are best for him to stay with the kids and then plan something with your friends. Put it on the calendar, even if it weeks out. And then do again next month! Tell him that you feel like you two are growing apart and you want to grow closer together, ask him for ideas and/or if he would read some books with you or go to counseling.

Good Luck finding the best solution for yourself!
S.

I hope your friend is a MAN, because if hes out of town with a woman it should be YOU! And if you couldnt go because of the kids, he shouldnt have either!

My husband's affair was with a friend of mine who had a serious boyfriend. He was acting very similar to the way your husband is.

You poor thing! Your marriage does not sound like it's on equal footing right now. And if I were you I would be really upset also. It sounds like something is going on, for instance: 1) Your husband is depressed/having a midlife crisis; 2) Your husband is upset at you about something that he hasn't told you about; 3) The two of you have grown apart and he's started to give up on connecting and is making his own life outside of you and the kids... Or it's none of these things and something else completely, but in any case it doesn't sound like it's going to fix itself. You've got to talk to him and if at all possible go to a couples counselor.

Sorry if I am repeating, but who is this friend he is with? A female all alone, or is she with her SO, or are there multiple other friends there as well? You should being doing all these fun things with your husband, not some other chick... I wouldn't cut my losses without first talking to him, not when you obviously love him so much. BUT, I would let him know if he doesn't check back into the family, you are prepared to take action. Good luck!

doesn't sound like divorce time to me. could get there, though.
you definitely have different communications styles. i tell you true, i would feel trapped and stifled if my dh called me that much, expected me to call that much, was this needy. i am NOT saying you are wrong for being so. just pointing out that for more hands-off people like me and maybe your dh it's very overwhelming.
if he never shows you love or consideration, of course that's a different matter.
you both need to learn how to deal with the other's communication methods and needs. he needs to be there more for you and the kids, and you need to let him move and breathe without feeling constricted.
i would sit down and have a frank discussion with him about where this relationship is going. if he indicates that he still loves you and wants the marriage to work, then some counseling is probably in order so that you can learn how to communicate better. if he's done, there's not much more to be said. but i do NOT think that this weekend away indicates a kaput marriage. it sounds more like a man who is semi-desperate for some space, and a woman is semi-desperate to connect. that's fixable.
khairete
S.

I don't want to sound rude but my first reaction is if "we" don't have childcare or are not taking the kids then none of us are going. I can see him maybe going by himself within the city or town but not out of state.
Also, is saying "I love you" something that your husband usually does or has he recently stopped saying it or being affectionate. My husband rarely says it nor do I except maybe on special ocassions. It does not mean that we don't love each other it's just not the way we relate or not our style. Maybe it's just not his personality?
As far as him going out too much just let him know you don't appreciate it and it's not something that works for you. Let him know that this is not something you will tolerate or put up with.
It sounds as if he is living his life on his terms and doing what he pleases without any consideration for his family. It also sounds like you need a break and need to put some focus on your own personal needs. You need to get out with friends yourself once in a while and do something you like too do. He might think that you are too focused on him. I bet once you start thinking about your needs for a change and not worry about what he is doing so much his attittude will probably change. I don't know how old your kids are but maybe you can get a part-time job while they are in school or do something you enjoy. It just sounds too me that you need to find sometime for yourself.

OOOOh I am soo sorry you are going through this.

I don't know where to start....I guess start with the obvious. I am NOT trying to be rude. So please do not take it this way - I'm one who doesn't really know how to "politically correct". Please know i've not read the other responses...so if I've repeated anything - sorry.

First off - I would NOT call or text him again while he is away. He might notice, he might not. If he doesn't that's HIS loss. NOT YOURS. If he asks "why haven't you called???" tell him "I was busy with the kids."

Now, on to your problem.

1. You LET him treat you this way. You NEED to tell him ENOUGH! I DESERVE to be treated better and you will treat me better.
2. Use this time that he is away to make a list of things you need and expect from him that you are not getting.
3. When he returns - simply state - this is not working out for me. We NEED to talk. We are going on a "date" on Friday or whatever day works for you. I have made sure we are a babysitter set and reservations....do NOT do this at home....
4. Did he treat you this way BEFORE you married? If he did - then again, you allowed it.
5.

During your date - you need to tell him clear
a. I am NOT happy. Things need to change. I have been considering a divorce. There is no need to pussy foot around it. If you start your sentence or conversation with "YOU DID THIS" then the walls go up and it will be a no-win situation. Start it with "I FEEL, I AM, I NEED, I EXPECT"...DO NOT WHINE!!! DO NOT BEG!!! Clearly state what you want/need/expect.
b. I NEED these things from you and STATE CLEARLY what you need and want from him (this isn't about a new car or more money, this is about what YOU NEED from HIM as a husband and the marriage). Ask him if he can provide these things for you. If the answer is NO - then that is your queue that you have two options - 1. stay and put up with his treating you poorly or 2. leave.

If you says YES. This will NOT happen overnight. Compliment him when he does something you NEED/EXPECT - do NOT take it for granted. many times people get complacent in a relationship - friends do this all the time..."I THOUGHT YOU KNEW I LOVED YOU." Or some other response...it happens with me and my best friend of 32 years - I have conversations in my head with her so I just ASSUME that she heard it - no kidding. Not a joke and when we talk on the phone I'll be like "sooo thanks for xxx" and she'll say "So you having conversations with me in your head again?" YIKES!! We both do it.

Men are simple beings. Truly. MOST men do not have the "touchy feely" need in them like MOST women do. Men like things cut and dry - at least most of them do - my husband is a creature of habit....routine....but if I need something - he doesn't want me to hint for it. Just SAY IT. My hubby gets a dear in the headlights look when I go on and on...there are times he notices it and says "buffer overload dear" so I need to stop and use the KISS method (Keep It Simple Silly). Bottom line, dear? I need a new stove. Okay. Shop around and tell me the best price. Instead of going "Hey Bob today something funky happened and blah blah blah..." i've lost him at blah blah blah. Does that make sense to you?

Relationships are NEVER easy. Even friendships. We forget to put into it. I'm NOT saying you aren't putting into it. But what I am saying is your marriage is in a "rut" or a groove...and it's not a happy or fun place.

I make a lunch for my husband EVERY day for work. There are times I drop a note in the lunch box or even write on his sandwich wrapping...I love you. Wonderful day...there are times that will send the kids off without him knowing it and when he walks in the door from work - i'm waiting at the top of the stairs with nothing but an apron, smile and a beer in hand! :) No, it doesn't happen every week, not even every month...but it happens.

communication is key to ANY relationship. I've posted this before - marriage is a garden that must be tended to daily....otherwise weeds will grow...right now - you guys have a lot of weeds so you will need to a lot of tending - will it be easy? No. nothing good ever is. Will it have its ups and downs? YEPPERS!! But if you want to keep it together you have to participate in it to (you are - but it's something you can say to him). In his defense - he may have been excited about the trip and caught up in getting on the airplane, security, all that stuff....that really - he could've assumed you KNEW he loved you.

FYI - When I'm away - if my hubby calls me - it's IMPORTANT....not just "hey"...we have a nightly check in so we say prayers and good night to the kids and each other. I don't war dial my husband. he knows that when I'm calling him at work - it's important. I don't bother him while he's away on a trip unless it's an emergency. But this works for OUR MARRIAGE. What works for one, may not work for another.

My husband doesn't text. he HATES cell phones. One of my close male friends couldn't go a day without his phone. It all depends upon the person. You need to find out what will work in YOUR marriage. However, you are VERY RIGHT! YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED the way you want to be treated. make sure you have your list ready. Make sure you are prepared to hear what he has to say....it's not just about you...it's a two way street. So be prepared....

I wish you much luck! Trust in God. He will not take you through something you cannot handle. Even when the times are tough - God IS with you!

I am not going to comment on anything else but I do want to tell you that you need to plan something for YOURSELF. It is ridiculous that he gets to be the one going out and having fun. And don't ask him-TELL him. Set it up with your friends to go away for the night and then let him know...say "hey hon, you are going to need to make sure to be home next friday because I am going to (wherever) with my friends for the night. " And if he dares to say NO...thats when you need to go OFF like none other. IT really floors me how many women on this board who have husbands who are out gallivanting around on enjoyable little trips while they never get to do anything. So don't be a martyr! Take what is yours-your right to get away just like he has the right to get away.

Does the friend that's with him know how you feel about being unappreciated, etc? This might be a good chance for her to give him some perspective from a female side of things.
I have to say that I've done things and gone places with my married friends husbands and they don't mind it at all. I can talk to them about the way women see things and they listen as opposed to feeling like they are being chastized or something by their wives.
I hope that she will say....."Have you called your wife today? We won't really be able to talk at the game."....
My ex used to travel a lot for work and he was really good about calling, but it was usually because he was keeping track of ME, but once he started talking to the kids, they never wanted to hang up and "Hi, I miss you" could turn into a 20 session. If he was calling in between meetings or something, he usually just said, "tell the kids I will call tonight".

From your post, it seems to me that you are feeling underappreciated and your affections aren't being reciprocated. After he gets home (not the minute he comes in the door), you should have a quiet talk with him about how you feel.
If he was never really a super affectionate person, that might be a hard thing to change. It his has only slowly happened over time, it's something you both can work on to get back.

The other thing you can try is to not text and check on him. He's with someone you trust. Maybe try turning the tables and being too busy to check in with him and you can't talk long, you and the kids are going out the door for a treat. "See ya when you get home!"

Have your friend who is with him this weekend, stay with your kids next weekend so you and your husband can have a getaway alone together.
You need to reconnect. Days go by and life happens and it's possible for people to take each other for granted. You don't want that to happen to you.
If you trust this person with your husband, surely you can trust her with your kids. Make it happen!

Tell him you feel like his lack of outward affection is making you wonder if he loves you anymore. Give him a chance to respond. And show you that he does.

Best wishes to you.

I am so sorry, but that's what it sounds like to me, too...if not with her, then with someone else. I would confront it...

...because I honestly believe any honest man is not distant from his wife and children. Something is going on.

My prayers are with you...lots of love.

I don't think your marriage is ending so stay strong. I know you are lonely and upset right now but I think your marriage will be fine. Some men do think it is their birthright to have all kinds of guy leisure time including trips, weekends, outings -you name it. I know cause my husband is one of them. When I was younger, I counted the hours he was gone and I jumped on the phone if it rang (this was before texting). Most times, I wouldn't leave the house for fear of missing "the call" (this was before cell phones). It really tore me up. Ultimately, I learned these important things 1) Be very direct -not angry, not emotional- but straight-at-him about your feelings (another poster said this and it's very true, they don't get it if you're not) 2) do not let yourself get isolated. Have a regular night you go out and he stays with the kids. If at all possible, make a dinner date with a friend while he's gone, even if you have to take the kids. Keep busy and see other people often, isolation increases dependency 3) Here's the super hard one (took me a long time)- don't call him, don't text him while he's gone. Sometimes, you should not even be available when he calls. This is harder with cell phones, but at least be too busy to talk, something in the oven, something going on with the kids, can you call me later, sweetie? 4) Any trip he takes, he owes you a trip - either you two go somewhere together or you go with your friends. If you go with friends, don't call him or forget to call him until late. Honestly, I know this sounds like games, but if he is Mr Fun Guy on the go go go, the last thing you want to grow into is the dependent wife waiting for his call or calling him every couple of hours. My husband is in his 70's, he still goes out with the guys and still takes trips with the guys but we take a lot of trips together, he always calls me and now he actually complains because I don't call him. And I don't mind him going now - of course, I don't have little kids at home now either - but you know how if you fake being in a good mood, you can turn out to be in a good mood? - it's like that, I guess. I'm sorry you are hurting tonight but he did text you that he loves you and I think he does. You just need to talk to him about respecting your priorities, too, and respecting his obligations to the kids. Good luck!

First of all he shouldn't be out anywhere with a female friend even if shes your friend, he is married not single. I think that when he gets home you should sit down and have a serious talk with him and tell him how you feel and ask him if he is having an affair. Even if he is not actually cheating on you he is still sort of cheating maybe not with a woman but in the sense that he is always out and wanting to be with his friends. You should go to counseling and try to figure this out because you dont want to throw this 7 year marriage away that quickly, you atleast have to try for your children.
I feel your pain when you said that he hasnt even tried talking to his kids...i dont know how any parent could go somewhere and not miss there children...my daughter means everything to me......
good luck.

Have you ever considered asking your girlfriend to babysit so you could go away for a romantic weekend with your husband? I think you have to set some time aside for you and your husband ALONE!! It doesn't sound like you should rush to divorce to me you both just have to make your marriage a priority. I know how hard it is with children, I too was a stay at home mom and I think we get stale, you are both in a rut, and he isn't helping matters by running off like a single man. Make a dinner date, get a sitter and really talk to him. Let him know how lonely and unloved you are feeling. Get dressed up like you were going on your first date and just concentrate on each other. This is not your fault you did not get here alone, I think you just need to do some hard work right now. Good luck!!

Talk to him about how your feeling! Best of luck to you!

its sad. But not divorceble. Why don't you let him read your question when he gets home so he can see what you are thinking. Maybe he loves you but he's just a boob. Though honestly, my husband would never ever leave me 5 nights a month to go have fun while I stayed with kids. But divorce is a big word the through around when you have kids. You may or may not salvage your happiness with divorce. But guarantee you will destroy your children's happiness if you do.

haven't read the other responses so i may repeat a few thing that others have said. so here we go, men are sometimes just simple creatures and they don't do what we do. you must remember you sent him on a football trip so his mind is focused on just that! stop calling him so much. just because he doesn't call his kids doesn't mean he doesn't love them or they aren't on his mind. MEN ARE SIMPLE! unless you call and say there is a serious emergency they may never sall to talk to them. so maybe you should (like you said) sit down and talk to him and lay it all on the table and let him know how you feel! and get some feedback from him. and be honest with yourself you may not like what he has to say, it may hurt, but at least you can make some headway and start doing whatever it is you may have to do! now let me tell you, i don't care who you THINK you know and who WANT to trust, you don't ever send another woman with your man/husband unless absolutely nessacary! don't even put them in the situation to "make a mistake"! I have a best freind of 30 years who i know would never betray and i trust my man also but i would never put them together like that! maybe something for a few hours or something but i son't play those kind of games! but i really wish the best for you and hope that you can make some headway with this situation! good luck

I don't see why you think your 7 years of marriage are coming to an end. Your husband sounds inconsiderate but not necessarily that he has fallen out of love. You have spoken to your husband several times during the trip and he probably thinks it's enough. Look, everyone expresses their love in different ways. Read "Love Languages" if you are interested. You need to tell him all the time that you love him (and need to hear it) but he may feel that he shows it in different ways.

I am bewildered that you think your marriage is in trouble and yet you sent him away with your girl friend? Even if you trust both your husband and this friend, NEVER put your husband in a situation where he could be tempted or something could happen after a night of drinking. It sounds to me like you are testing him.

You DO deserve someone to love you, but before you suppose that he doesn't and you take off, give Diane S's advice a chance. Take some time for yourself, but keep things between you and him positive.

Call him once a day, no more. And try to get a night away for the two of you. Find something fun to do that he'd enjoy and show him you can be part of the "fun" times too. Good luck. I can tell that you are hurting and I really hope things get better for you.

my advice for you is that you check what you have not been doing right and change then most importantly take the matter to God in prayer . prayer changes things
from F.
Nigeria

I understand that you may trust your girlfriend...Regardless it is rather awkward that he would go with her...He is a married man!!! And so what if she has a serious BF...I do hope that they are not having an affair especially since there is a lot of drinking involved!! Yep, I'd be having this serious conversation with him asap....!

Updated

I understand that you may trust your girlfriend...Regardless it is rather awkward that he would go with her...He is a married man!!! And so what if she has a serious BF...I do hope that they are not having an affair especially since there is a lot of drinking involved!! Yep, I'd be having this serious conversation with him asap....!

I agree with the other M.'s. I don't think he should be on an overnight stay with ANY female unless he is related to them. And 4-5 nights away from home a month, is a lot. Especially for a husband and father of 3. As much as you may not want to see it (and maybe it isn't there, but sure sounds like it) there may be something more going on here. Don't confront him about it when you are upset. You have to talk to him calmly or he won't here you. I definitely think you are in need of couples counseling, it does wonders and can get the two of you communicating effectively again.
In his defense a little, my husband can be very short with me or not call too often when he goes out or is away for work. They are busy and letting loose. So they don't really want to sit on the phone. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or your kids, just that he's getting some "me" time. Which you need too. Next weekend, why don't you go shopping for the day or go to the spa. If he can come and go so freely, then you can too. Take a day for yourself. Nothing will help him see all that you do more than a day home with 3 kids!
I really wish you the best of luck. Seriously, talk to a counselor. Even if he won't, go yourself. It is really a mind opening experience and really, it can only help. Take care.

To your response about the girl- doesn't matter who she is or how long you've known her. I had a close friend who's husband left her and she was torn apart, but I was out of town. I told her to call my husband and have him go pick her up so that she wasn't alone. He did. That night, she tried to make a pass at him. Thankfully he didn't respond to it and in fact took her back home and then called me to tell me. But I never would have thought in a million years. She was grieving over the end of her marriage and then makes a pass at my husband! (boyfriend at the time) It's just not a good situation

I was going to type a response but I 100% agree with Sara B. So ditto on her response.

You will get your answer in due time. Actions = Truth. No matter what we say you think, it's what he does. Be patient. The truth will reveal itself. It always does. :o)

As mothers, our husbands often get prioritized below the children. Year after year, it creates distance in marriages. Husbands may feel like wives are too busy to care what they do... And eventually, they think of themselves as separate from the household.

When was the last time you spent time as a couple?

I understand if you feel you can't stay married to someone who doesn't want to be with you. However, are you financially ready for divorce? Can you support yourself, pay rent on a place large enough for you and the kids, provide health insurance for yourself as well as utilities, food, childcare, gas and car insurance? What about the divorce attorney cost? Most of the people I know said it cost them $25,000 for their divorce, and most attorneys want some retainer paid upfront. And you'll need to get a job, get your resume ready, etc.

My advice is not to confront him about not confronting him too hastily. If you're headed in that direction, plan for it. Don't get taken advantage of in a divorce because he has an income that can afford a good attorney and you don't. It might take a couple years for you to be ready. Keep in mind, a marriage over 10 years is the magic amount of time in many states--for spousal support and even social security payments from his historical wages (when your old). Haste makes waste. Take your time... Divorce is not something you should decide over a weekend. It is a complete lifestyle change. It takes a strategy.

Okay you have lots of responses here and some will mimic mine. And here is my advice: do not ever send your husband even to the corner with another woman. He is human. And if you do, send all three of your children along. In the meantime, you need to step up to the plate and become very independent yourself. Do not give up your stay at mom home position, just become the very best you, and spoil yourself so you like yourself enough to know that you deserve to do all sorts of wonderful things with your husband. Get babysitters if you have to. You are not in a position right now to leave. Yes you do deserve better. And that is a better and wonderful you.