Communication W/ Spouse?

i like what patty said. Also the sandwich technique, say something nice, say what you want him to do, say something nice.

i would spend some quiet time by myself before you tackle him just so you are centered, a quick walk or something like that.

If he shuts down or starts yelling, then the moment is over, stop and just know you'll have to come back and try it again another night.

First of all, whatever the issues are, spend time thinking things over with yourself first before you try to communicate with your husband. Be clear on your own thoughts, feelings, etc, because it will be easier for you to express yourself. A friend of mine has communication issues with her husband as well, and when she just sits him down and tries to work all her feelings out during the conversation, it sounds like a babbling brook and talking in circles.

Secondly, reflective listening. When you do sit down to talk, take turns..you speak ("I feel like (insert here) when (insert here) happens"), then he speaks ("I am hearing you say that you feel..when..."). Then you can clarify what you said if it's incorrect. Rinse and repeat.

Third, ONE thing at a time. Men can get into conversation overload when they're bombarded with tons of issues at the same time. Since by this point you've clarified you own thoughts, prioritize the issues.

Hope this helps.

I've had trouble communicating with my hubby in the past because he never seemed to want to hear what I had to say. I finally stopped trying. But then I realized that I always wanted to communicate what bothered me about him and he probably felt nit-picked. I just dealt with my own issues and did what I could about me and my attitude and then I started to notice that I didn't have any issues with him anymore. =) I don't know if that's helpful but it sure was an eye opener for me!! Good luck!!

I'd try, "Honey, I have something important I want to talk to you about. Is now a good time, or in an hour or so? What's best for you?"

Give him an option so that he doesn't feel cornered. Then be patient.
When you do talk NO ACCUSATIONS. Tell him what is on your mind and put everything in first person. I feel, this makes me feel, for me.......

Then when you are done say something like, "I want to be sure you understand how I feel. What did you hear me say? I just want to check out we are communicating clearly."

Then be sure to ask him his feelings and really listen. Reflect back what you thought you heard HIM say.

I'm not kidding. This is an old form of communication called reflective listening. So often we think we know what someone means and we don't.

Go Girl! Good-Luck!

Usually I just tell my husband that I want to talk about some things that are important to me and I need to make sure that I hear him and he hears me. So, when I say something that makes him mad or frustrated, I ask him to tell me what it is he heard me say, because sometimes he misunderstands and I would hate if we were fighting over a misunderstanding.

So basically, "I want us to talk about some things. I need you to hear everything I say without interrupting and then I want to do the same for you. If, when I am done, something I said made you angry, tell me what it is you heard me say. Sometimes we end up fighting over a misunderstanding, or I said something in the wrong way and didn't mean it the way you heard it. I want this to be about understanding each other, not getting into a fight and each of us trying to win it."

Communication is key...

it's hard to give advice on how to start a conversation when we don't know WHAT the conversation is...I understand you know people on here personally - but they are SUPPOSED to be friends, right?

What worked for my husband and I is this

Bob, I feel blah blah blah blah...or I need from you blah blah blah blah
Then I asked him - what is it you THINK I said? Yes, it was a little sophomoric, however, it worked because it helped me talk how he could understand me...

men are wired differently so they hear things differently...seriously...their brains process the words differently than we women say them. This might not be true for all men - but I do know some men that hear it differently..

I would consider couples counseling so you can learn how to effectively communicate with each other. It's NOT an instant fix or cure..it's a long road and there are struggles..but it CAN work!!

GOOD LUCK!!

I understand what you are trying to say....

When it comes to sensitive topics I'd set up "rules" first. For example, let him know you'd like to talk but you want to set some boundaries up so neither of you gets hurt and you both can speak calmly to get the issue resolved so both of you are happy.

Psychologists often also tell you when you talk to your spouse to never use the word, "I". I've tried this, it's really hard but it helps you to talk as a "team" vs. an individual.

Or, if you are a good writer, try writing a letter to explain what you need but don't throw in any accusations so he immediately jumps down your throat. Also, end the letter with the positives your spouse has to offer you.

Good luck! I know bringing up sensitive matter can shove an instant wall between you as well as shut down further communication. Like I said, I understood what you were saying:)

Sometimes the best place to talk is when you finally lay down in bed with no distractions. Maybe bring up the 'topic" while you are giving him a massage? This way you can "squeeze" a little harder on him until he "gets" it, and gives you the answer youre looking for. Remember this too, you already know what you think should happen and if he doesnt agree you can't get pissed off....

I choose a time when things are calm and peaceful. Sometimes it means waiting a few days or more. My husband and I enjoy watching movies in the early morning hours on the weekends. That's unofficially reserved as our "couple" time, and I refuse to have a difficult discussion with him if we have not been having our time together. I need to make sure that WE are feeling strong before authorizing any perceived attacks.

I try to avoid addressing more than one sensitive topic at a time. If my husband is feeling beat up at all, I want to keep that to a minimum. I tell him that I need to address something with him that has been bothering me. (I keep it about me and not about him. Example: WE don't need to talk; I need to talk.) I have told him before that I need him to help me to communicate with him because I don't think that he hears me when I do it my way. I try to make sure that I am not saying that something is wrong with him. (That still doesn't guarantee that he won't hear that, anyway.) Periodically through the discussion, I ask something like, "Will you please repeat to me what you heard so I can make sure that I am getting my point across? I don't want to get to the end and find out that I've been saying it all wrong." This also engages him so he doesn't feel like he is being lectured to. After the discussion, I tell him that I'd like for us to revisit this topic later (be a little more specific but not down to the date and time) just as a check-in and make sure that we are on the same page. Then, we enjoy the movie or I fix him breakfast--something that he can perceive as loving from me, backing off of him. Once we stop talking is when he puts his guard down and lets it sink in. I have to give him that time and not demand a response from him in the moment.

These talks are so hard. Good luck to you.

I try not to go into attack mode and try my best to remain as calm as possible and get to my point. Even if he looses his cool. I try not to talk about my feelings as much and focus on the issue at hand. Usually, it stays civil. Some times my hubby tries to turn it back on me, he doesn't like to feel as though anything is his fault. Example...this weekend we have been working our butts off at our house (we had a ton of storm damage due to the storms on the East coast). We went to Lowes to price some things out. We were told by 2 contractors what we needed to do to fix our gutters and he wanted to ask a Lowes employee what they thought. We had already been there for and hour and a half and we had our little guy with us who was bored stiff. I felt like we knew the answer well enough from the educated contractors we talked with and he insisted we have an employee come and talk with us. He talked down to me and got pissy and I hate that. So later I told him (as calm as could be) I do not appreciate that and he seemed to listen. Not sure if my story helps and I am certainly leaving out some details to the story. I wasn't in any way being confrontational at the store, I merely pointed out the fact that we were informed already as to what we needed to do the job. Hope this helps a little. Good luck.

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