Coach's Kid--Different Standard?

Updated on October 24, 2012
C.M. asks from Bartlett, IL
18 answers

Thanks to all the moms who answered about my 11 year old daugher prank calling. I didn't originally include the info on her being the coach's kid and her prank calling other cheerleaders on my team because I wanted to see what people would give for consequences for just prank calling.

I DO hold her to a higher standard, and sometimes I wonder if it's fair. I always hope that she will be a good example to the other girls for her sake and mine. It's hard for me to ask the other girls to behave when my own daughter is misbehaving. It looks SO TERRIBLE I think, to the other parents as well.

My daughter woke up the parents of 2 of the cheerleaders at 5am with her prank calls from a sleepover. The parents knew where the calls were coming from because of caller ID (duh!) and they were made from another one of our cheerleader's phones.

This cheerleader was having a sleepover and she didn't invite all of our team members. That's fine. They don't all get along perfectly outside of practice. My daughter and another girl called the girls they didn't like and said "Where's the party? Oh, it's right here!" in obviously fake accents. I think that was rubbing it in to the girls who weren't invited.

Now I have a hot mess. Two angry parents (of which my daughter will apologize to IN PERSON) and two girls on our team who are MAD at my daugher and her friends.

Right before our first competition of the year. I can't pull my daughter from the competition because that would affect the ENTIRE team. Everyone has worked hard, the parents paid big bucks in fees and uniforms, and pulling a person at the last minute would mean we'd probably finish last. The girls wouldn't be able to re-do any of the big stunts without her and our formations would be messed up. I can't re-do the entire routine in one day. If it was an individual thing, we'd pull her without hesitation.

We are going to shut off her phone so she can only call or text us. I was going to ground her from going to her friend's house this weekend. Instead of going home with one of the cheerleaders after the competition, she is going to have to stay with me and help the younger squad when they compete 3 hours later.

Part of me feels like punishing her heavily is holding her to a higher standard than the average kid, because lots of you said just take away her phone for a week. Kids prank call others all the time and it's not the end of the world.

I do have a big mess now, though. And she set a horrible example to the entire team. Now I have to make peace with the parents and make the kids make peace with each other.

Is it fair to hold her to a higher standard?

What can I do next?

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S.L.

answers from New York on

Forget about other parents, forget about how it looks, forget about comparing and being fair. Think only of what kind of person do you want to raise??

4 moms found this helpful

D.K.

answers from Sioux City on

I hold my kids to a higher standard all the time. It's not about fair. I have higher standards and I'm not lowering just because someone else doesn't have the same standard. I don't compare my parenting to other peoples that is silly! My kids wouldn't have a cell phone at that age to begin with. I would ground her and take that chatty box away. She would be so grounded!!!! How old is this kid? Apparently that last time this took place the punishment wasn't harsh enough because she is a second offender and this time she was a snot to someone else. NOT COOL! In my house you would have no computer, no TV, no cell phone, and she would have to sit out after this competition. The next competition would not include her because she doesn't understand how to be kind to her fellow teammates. The only reason she would be allowed in this competition is because I wouldn't want to harm the other girls.

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K.F.

answers from Salinas on

I don't see how it's a higher standard. My girls have played on lots of teams over the years. They do not have to "like" everyone on the team or hang out with them outside of sports but they must respect their teammates. How can they compete effectively, learned to put differences aside, have productive and positive practices if part of the team is hating on another part?

It's an unspoken rule in competitive sports around here that you always support your teammates. It's for the sake of the whole team and everyone is held to that standard. Girls don't always get along but I don't know any coach that would tolerate this kind of stuff between teammates. It doesn't sound to me like your daughter is suffering for being the coaches daughter.

I think you're wise to take this seriously, things can escalate as girls get into the teen years. We have a zero tolerance for ugliness of this sort. If you don't like someone you have to work with you are still respectful and friendly, just like in the adult world.

7 moms found this helpful
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R.F.

answers from Dallas on

I think all parents should hold their children to a high standard regardless of their extracurricular activities. Your daughter messed up. I don't think you have to invite the whole class to a party, or a whole team, but there is no reason to rub it in. I feel that one way or another the team will not do well because there isn't team environment.
Do you want your daughter to finish first in what is right or wrong?

5 moms found this helpful
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L.R.

answers from Washington DC on

I think all your choices for discipline are right on. Just taking away the phone wouldn't be enough, to me, for what was an incredibly rude and disruptive prank. Regardless of the fact she's the coach's daughter, the level of discipline you are doing is appropriate. And because she IS the coach's daughter, yes, I think a higher standard is OK. She needs to learn that life is not about a perfectly level playing field all the time; she does indeed have an extra privilege, or burden if she thinks of it that way, of setting a higher example.

I also wanted to let you know how, in a team or class or group, outside activites among the kids and the way those activities are handled can be so important inside the group, for good or for ill. You might be interested to hear, C., how one dance studio handled it.

A few years back, we were at a dance studio (we're at another one now, for reasons unrelated to what I'm about to discuss). The artistic director, during the parent-and-student group meeting at the start of the year, told everyone, "There have been issues among girls at certain levels (of dance classes) with social relationships outside the studio causing problems inside the studio. This year we're not going to tolerate that. If girls are friends outside the studio, that's great, but if there are parties or social events that involve some students here and not others, those events are not to be discussed AT the studio at all. If teachers hear you discussing such things, you'll be told to sit out that class and we'll speak to your parents." That's my version of what she said, but you get the idea. Whatever was going on, and I'm not sure precisely what it was, didn't affect my child at that time, but it clearly was a case of some girls having parties etc. and not inviting others from dance, and then talking up their fun times in front of the girls who weren't there -- apparently on purpose, to make the other girls feel left out. You see the connection to your own situation.

So you might think about making a general statement when you next have all your team together about how whatever happens outside cheer stays outside cheer, and how even when they're not at cheer, they need to act "professional" toward their teammates at all times and in all places. You could explain that "professional" does not mean being best buddies outside cheer or doing everything as a group all the time; it means being respectful, keeping your good times to yourself and those who were there, and addressing teammates only with polite terms at all times, in or out of cheer. And if things spill over from outside-cheer to inside-cheer, so to speak, there would be consequences involving cheer (whatever those might be, as you choose.) Just a thought.

You're clearly a thoughtful and smart coach. I hope things work out and this gets dealt with so your girls can move on to the business of competing.

4 moms found this helpful
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C.B.

answers from San Francisco on

I don't think you are holding her to a higher standard. I'm not a coach not a cheerleading leader, and I would not only take the phone, but I would make her miss that play date and not because she's the coach's daughter, but because what she did disturbed two entire families at 5:00 a.m. and it was just plain mean. I don't condone mean! I don't think it's okay for the coaches daughter to be mean, and I don't think it's okay for my neighbor's daughter to be mean. Mean is mean and should be punished. No higher standard here!

If I were you, I would pull her from cheerleading after this competition. She obviously does not know what "team" means and she should not be on a team until she does.

3 moms found this helpful

D.B.

answers from Boston on

Yes, because you have to set an example, and SHE has to set an example. That may seem unfair, but it's the way of the world. If the boss hires his kid in the company, that kid needs to be extra careful to be on time. And any resentment because you appear to be too lax will have a really negative effect on the other team members. So your responsibility is not just to your kid, it's to the team - which is why you aren't pulling her from competition. So you have to "make up" for the appearance of leniency in allowing her to compete by having more consequences elsewhere. So it's not really a higher standard - if she were on a soccer team, you would just bench her. But you can't do that without impacting the others. So you have to do something else.

It will show the other team members that you take this seriously and you won't permit bad behavior from anyone.

I know it's hard, Mom, but take the high road and hopefully you won't have to deal with this again!

3 moms found this helpful

L.U.

answers from Seattle on

My husband coaches my two boys on their soccer team. We absolutely hold them to a higher standard.
BUT, I would expect my kids to behave no matter what. It just so happens that if they misbehave now it reflect badly on the coach. The other kids can look at the coaches kid and think "Well, how is that fair? He's mouthing off and being a jerk and he's the COACHES kid!" (not that it's happened, it's just an example)
Whether or not it's fair, I don't know.
L.

3 moms found this helpful

L.A.

answers from Austin on

Even with this additional information...this is not a higher standard.. This is the standard your daughter should have regardless.

Have her apologize to the stents, the girls AND the team.. And then end this....

Do not Mae it more than it was...a very poor choice.... But she should apologize and admit it was poor behavior..

I was raised by a mom that always reminded us," you not only represent yourself, but also our whole family...."

3 moms found this helpful
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A.B.

answers from Pittsburgh on

I'm so sorry for the mess - ugh.

I'm already thinking ahead to when my son attends the school in which I teach. I can see this becoming a similar issue, so I'll be interested to read the advice you get here!

I agree with Diane. Sometimes life puts us in more conspicuous positions than others, so we're regarded as leaders and, by default, held to a higher standard by those around us. This is an important lesson. I would err on the side of being more strict here bc there can't be a HINT of favoritism perceived by the other parents or that will bleed into a host of other issues you don't want, trust me. You will be suspect in every decision you make for the squad. Ugh, talk about a hot - and ongoing - mess!

I agree that you can't take her out, but face to face apologies are in order, not just to the parents but to the whole squad. I work w/middle school and at our retreats, I always do some activity like "the human knot" to make the point that when we are a team, everything one person does can effect us all. Maybe start the next practice with something like that?

So sorry, CM! Mistakes are a given, but they're learning opportunities for us and our kids. If we learn the lesson, it's not a waste. =)

3 moms found this helpful
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M.F.

answers from Houston on

You are not holding her to a higher standard you are holding her to the standard you set for her just as your daughter and what you expect from her. Prank calling isn't that big of a deal but just being mean and rude to your teammates and trying to make others feel bad is wrong.

2 moms found this helpful

J.S.

answers from Hartford on

I don't believe that by disciplining her strongly it is holding her to a higher standard just because she's the coach's daughter. You're holding her to a high standard because that's what she deserves in order to grow up into a productive, respectful citizen. If you don't expect it from her as a PARENT then who will? If you don't teach her to expect the best from herself, who will? If you weren't the coach wouldn't you STILL discipline her heavily? I would hope so.

What she did deserves some strict discipline. She's not going to like it. If she did like it then it wouldn't have any effect on her or make an impression.

1 mom found this helpful

T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

As a parent, hold her to however high a standard you want to.
But as a coach, treat her JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.
As a long time Girl Scout leader I am well aware of how hard it is to be the leader's daughter. I have often been harder on my own girls because I expect them to set a certain example (and I have seen many, many different sports' coaches do this with their own kids as well, especially boys.) I constantly had to step back and remember that I put myself in that leadership position, that was MY choice, and that I needed to treat ALL the girls fairly and equally, including my own daughters.
If you do any adult/child leadership training, or positive coaching workshops, they talk about this scenario in great detail. Kids who are coached or led by their own parents face additional pressure, and if you aren't careful they will end up resenting your position and eventually want to quit the activity. Having mom or dad be your coach can be a REAL drag if you're not careful :(
As far as all your "cheer drama" goes, it honestly doesn't sound like THAT big of a deal. If you're having a hard time handling the level of stuff you're talking about here you're going to have MAJOR problems when they hit middle/high school. Prank calls and hurt feelings are just the tip of the iceberg. Girls get mad at each other all the time. Friends change and change and change again.
If you and the other parents can't get through this and move on like grown ups you are all going to have a very long, bumpy and miserable ride ahead of you :(

1 mom found this helpful
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S.H.

answers from Honolulu on

If this was my daughter, and she ain't no coaches' daughter, she would be harshly punished.
I do not take prank calling lightly.
I have seen, what other kids do. ie: my daughter's classmates etc. Not my daughter.
It is UGLY and UGLY behavior.
The PROBLEM with this is... not the prank calling itself... BUT the behavior associated with it and the reason, they did it.
That is ugly noxious MEAN behavior.
I would be punishing my child, for the behavior as well. Not just the misuse of the phone.

Then the other parents are pissed off.
I am sure you would be too... if your daughter/you were prank called and told those things. The other parents, who's daughter's were affected by this... must think perhaps, that your daughter is a "brat." And it is no wonder they are all pissed off etc.

To me, taking away her phone... is not enough. It is not good enough.
It is only putting a band-aid on the problem.

Not only did she make a horrid example to the entire team... she made her parents look horrid... and she made HERSELF look, horrid.
Does she, realize that?
By that age... ALL kids KNOW... who are the troublemakers in a grade level or not... they KNOW who the nice kids are and who the icky mean kids, are. Kids AND parents... know this.
So your daughter, has made herself out to be... a mean girl.

Does she... realize... the WRONGNESS of what she did?
Or is she only concerned about what punishment she gets or not?
She needs to self-reflect among other things.

I would not tolerate this at all, in my kids.

I KNOW some Moms, that were prank called from kids. And they said RUDE obnoxious foul language things, to them, the parents of their fellow classmates.
It is.. not funny.

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L.S.

answers from Peoria on

Holding her to a higher standard will make her a better, stronger person in the long run although you will need to stick to your guns for now. If it was my daughter, the punishment would be quite similar to what you are doing.

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E.A.

answers from Chicago on

You do not hold her to higher standard. She knows as an 11 year old child that she will get away with it - just like she did the first time with minimal punishment. She will do it again and please stop calling it prank calling - she is being a bully. Of course you have very mad parents, they know she will get away with it because she is the coaches daughter. In my past experience with sports/activites it is the coaches daughter that is bad and knows she will get away with it. Would you like it if you were woken up at 5 a.m. by a 11 year old bully? Please step back and look at it from an outsiders point of view. If you continue to cover for her and make excuses (calling it just prank calling) you will really have your hands full when she gets older.

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T.M.

answers from Tampa on

You are not holding her to a higher standard...you are holding her to a standard for the type of person that you want her to be. She messed up big time. It sounds like you are handling it just fine given the circumstances.

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S.L.

answers from Chicago on

Think about it as what standard are you holding her to? Frankly, she would be more severely punished at my house for pulling this stunt. She clearly knows how to get around the no-cellphone as you said that they used another girl's phone. Look at her behavior outside of the cell-phone issue-she deliberately called other girls to make them feel bad and they are her teammates! Is this behavior acceptable in your family???? If not, then you aren't holding her to a higher standard, you are holding her to your family's standard.

As a coach, you also have a problem. How are those girls going to react when doing big stunts that could result in injuries? The whole team is going to be impacted by this because they can and do talk amongst themselves. So you may now have two different camps-your daughter's camp and the girls who they don't get along with. As a coach, you are going to have to make it clear to the entire squad that this type of behavior will not be tolerated by anyone and there will be repercussions. And then enforce them against your daughter and her friends who did this. Otherwise, you will be perceived as favoring your daughter and her friends. As a parent, I would not send my child to a coach who plays favorites. This is your job/work, your daughter's actions, unfortunately reflect on you.

So you may have to impose double punishment on your daughter-once for violating your family's standard and once for causing trouble within the team. Plus, you have to deal with her friends as well. Not easy but for the sake of your team, you have to address this.

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