Clingy 17 Year old...Not Sure What to Make of It...

Maybe she wants to talk but the time hasnt been right. She may want birthday control and wont discuss it in front of dad or sister. Maybe she wants a car, or money, or an apartment. Maybe she met a boy, and wants to live with him. or hes bugging her for sex, and she wants to, or doesnt want to. Maybe she thinks she will need more money, or doesnt want a room mate or is afraid of the dorm/roomate stranger deal. Maybe shes heard about moms who fall apart when their little girl goes off to college and shes worried about you.

I would start with finding out what her social skills are with her peers. My daughter is the exact same age/grade and I NEVER see her! That's more typical of a kid this age. She's my youngest and her sister was the same. They just want to be with their friends~NOT their PARENTS!!

Yes, I agree that it sounds like she is realizing this is the "last" year she will be living at home. The "Last" everything. I recall our daughter being like this during the Christmas of her Senior year of High School. She still did not know what exact college she was going to be at, but she knew it would be far away.

She was very verbal about saying, "Mom, I am going to miss you." Or "Wow this is the last "January", I will be home all month long. "Everything is going to be so different next year." "I need a hug." It was that excitement and being terrified all at once feeling.

I started talking more about what I did in college and more of the experiences I had. She seemed to be more interested than she had in the past. My husband and I both, kept telling her what we had always told her. "Just do your best and do not worry." "You always do a great job."
"If you have questions you can always call us or ask an adviser at College."

Our daughters main concerns.
Would she like her room mate and would she find friends?
Would she be able to do college level work?
What if she failed?
What if she could never pick a major?
Were we really going to be able to afford for her to be up at college?
What if she wanted to come home?
Was she going to shame the family if she did not succeed?

All of this was easily answered by reminding her, we were already proud of her, she had already surpassed our expectations, She is a nice person and would be surrounded by others with her same interest and this was an adventure, so just enjoy the time and continue to "just do her best."

They turn into needy kids again. Lots more hugs, more alone time, more conversations. Speak with your husband about this. It will be like one long drawn out PMS.. for this next year..

Hi M. B.
I think the whole idea of it being her senior year and thinking about leaving for college is probably right on target. My daughter just graduated and she got all sentimental about certain things. She still is. I couldn't tell you how many times lately she has come in my room after midnight to talk about something. She also started asking me to go eat somewhere all the time, and gets worried about me if I stay home by myself.
I guess we should consider ourselves lucky that they want to spend some of their very precious time with us. We went through a stage early in her senior year when my daughter was gone all of the time and I felt like begging for a few minutes with her.
Make some memories and try not to worry. Whatever the reason, she is coming to the right place!

Have you spoken to her teachers? Friends? Has anything else changed with her behavior, other than wanting to spend alone time with you? If she wasn't always like this, and this is a radical change in her behavior, then I would agree that maybe she has something to tell you and doesn't know how to approach it. Indulge her, and spend as much time with her as you can so you can figure out what's going on. Maybe it IS just jitters over her senior year and going off to college (my daughter's senior year and the anticipation of her leaving was a draining emotional roller coaster!), or maybe it's something more serious that's weighing on her. Either way, she is craving you and your company - I think it's best to give her exactly what she needs right now, and hopefully through spending lots of time together it will eventually become clear what's on her mind. Good luck!

As I was reading your post, I was about to say that, yes, she has something important, and maybe not so good, to tell you and is trying to get up the nerve when you two are alone... But if that isn't it, I think you are right that she is nervous, excited, and/or scared about going off to college (in another state). This is a big change coming up for her. I would say that the more time you can spend with her alone, the better. And be sure to really listen to her, not assume anything. It is hard for kids this age to admit to being afraid or unsure, and they need us to pick up on small clues.

My stepdaughter, after finishing college, made plans to move to Chicago. She had traveled some already and had actually lived in the Chicago area before with her mother. She had a place lined up to stay, and all her things packed, and then didn't want to go. I pushed her into it, thinking she was just nervous, since she had planned this for so long. She headed down the highway, and halfway there, she turned around and came back home. She really couldn't do it and I hadn't listened. She ended up finding a place to live and a job in our home city and things worked out fine.

Take her up on the request for just the 2 of you to go out. When you're out, let her know that you enjoy the time spent alone with her. Let her know that you value her friendship and that you support her as she is growing into a woman. But also let her know, kindly, that you're concerned about her obvious dislike of spending time with other family members, and you're just wondering if something is going on.

When I was a senior in high school, I had anxiety attacks because it was just a crazy time. I felt a lot of pressure on me to be an adult, but I didn't feel ready to handle that; the anxieties, for me, were "shapeless," for lack of a better term, so I couldn't find a way to express my feelings, and ended up on these crying jags. My mom had me talk to a family friend who was a psychologist, and when I realized that there was nothing wrong with me, and that anxiety is perfectly normal, and I didn't need to have everything figured out, the attacks went away; just talking about it to someone who listened non-judgmentally helped tremendously.

So be kind and supportive, even if you don't understand why -- she may not understand why she's behaving like this either.

My daughter is 16, going to be a senior, and has been doing this kind of thing all this last year. Well sort of. Right now the other two dont' want to go to the grocery store so 16 yo jumps at the chance, every day. My mom jokes that her umbilical chord is about 3 feet.

Is she the oldest? MIne is the 2nd but the oldest at home. Her brother is 22. She has been "queen" for almost 5 years now.

Take her out often.
Talk about what she expects out of college. What does she want to accomplish in her life.
Use this time to strengthen your relationship.
My Food Lion is 3 miles from the house. She drives to get drive time, I dont' have a deep freezer so we go almost every other day. Mine is satisfied with that most days.
Sit with her, or go into her room and check on her homework progress.
When she says "You never spend time with me" correct her and say I take you to the grocery store every day. Or whatever you have done with her.
On weekends go into her room and wake her up slowly by chit chatting and snuggling.

Get the book the Five Love Languages. Mine is a spend time with me person, so when I spend time with her she is happiest. My other is a do things for me, so when I set the table or do the dishes on her day it makes her happy. My son is a touch/gift. It is a book actually for relationships between hubbies and wives but I have learned a lot about how to love my kids.

She sounds like she is realizing that in less than 365 days she will be a graduated senior and in about 425 she will be away from home. (Not like I have been counting days or anything.)
Lots of loves. Its' what I am doing.

Have you just come right out and asked her what's going on?? I think that is your best bet, maybe she doesn't know how to approach the subject, (whatever it is) with you. It could very well be leaving for college. For some it is very frightening to leave home, especially to go out of state. She could even be having a change of heart and doesn't want to go out of state and doesn't know how to tell you. I think you should take her out to lunch and just come right out and ask her if everything is okay, and is there something she needs to talk to you about. Sometimes we have to drag things out of our kids, and at the same time make them feel comfortable about telling you. I think that may be what she needs. Good luck!!

I am certainly no expert here, I didn't do that to my mom, lol. My first thought was what you have already considered and ruled out: that perhaps she had something "weighty" to discuss and was trying to work up her nerve and finding time when you were alone together to try to work up her nerve. But, since you aren't getting that sort of vibe, then I'd look to the other end of the spectrum you mentioned: that she is almost off to college.

It almost sounds like she is trying on her "adult" pants. She wants to have grown up girl time with you. Maybe she is trying to test out her grown up persona. Sort of the flip side of the whole "be your kid's best friend" movement... She wants to be a grown up friend to you. And for you to accept her as an equal, because, well, because she's all grown up now. Haven't you noticed? ;)

That's what it sounds like to me anyway. Of course, I haven't lived through that (I didn't feel that way toward my mom when I was that age, and my daughter is not yet 10......).

That transition from HS to college can be weird. Sometimes they cling and sometimes they push away.

I'd take her up on one of her Starbucks dates and say, "What's going on? You seem to be really needing my time lately and I'm a little concerned about you."

If her clinging behavior interferes with your other relationships, maybe go back to what you would tell a smaller child. "You know I like spending time with you, but I have to do x and y and your sister needs me, too. (Or today we are all going to spend some family time together.) We will have to plan a solo outing for another day." Kind of the big kid version of "I'm on the phone. You have to wait."

I wouldn't completely disregard her having something big to talk about. I sometimes hated when my sister would come with me and my mom when I had something to talk about (sometimes it wouldn't even be about me). I think you should ask her what's going on without hurting her feelings and making it seem like you don't want to be with her(wich doesn't sound like the case) or letting her kinow you think it isn't normal for her to be so clingy.

enjoy it while it last when she turns 18 she will be to old to stay home and an adult who can't be told what to do.

so she is def going out of state for college?? oh man, me & Mom were SO CLOSE. we both boo-hoo'ed when i left. i LOVE, LOVE, LOVED my mom so much (she passed away couple yrs ago), and i can totally see why she's so clingy. i don't remember being that pissy about it, by rolling my eyes & such, but i def wanted time w/my mom, but i was the youngest & the only girl so i had it anyway. give her that time M.. PLEASE. i'm 31 but it does not feel that long ago that i was 18 leaving for college & missing my mom more than anything. maybe if you make a specific plan to be w/her on a specific date/time & event, so to speak, then she'll open up. just a thought....good luck. my son's only 2.5 yrs old but i love so much how he still loves me so much & wants to be w/me so bad, i just pray those days never end! :)

My daughter is like that and she is 15 years old and will be 16 in September.She gets to the point where she doesn't want me to even spend time with my husband-to-be. I work a LOT. I am in school and I am an accountant so I am very busy most times and can't even get any alone time with my fiancee' and he notices that sometimes my daughter wants to monopolize my time. She is very spoiled and selfish which I am neither way but I have an 11-year old son and a 14-year old son who I travel to see monthly who currently resides in a juvenile program for bad behaviors so I have to split my time so I understand your concerns and my daughter talks to me about EVERYTHING!! The reason why I had to put her on bc too is her telling me EVERYTHING but it is best to just talk to her and ask her what is going on with her and why all of a sudden she is trying to monopolize your time and get to the bottom of it. It doesn't hurt to ask and that is usually the best way. I know my daughter doesn't even like me to talk to her friends too much she even gets jealous of that but she is the only girl. My fiancee' has a 9-year old son. But ask your daughter so you will really know.

First of all this is not normal for a teen to be this clingy. I'd work on giving her want she wants at the same time maintain the balance between the three , relax , make sure she don't feel like it's a hardship for you to give her what she wants, I agree with others there is something that needs to be discovered. Once she's relaxed and feeling you , it will all come out . Now days, nothing shooks me, that's the kind of world we live in, don't be so quick to say what is not the problem.

Best reguards
P.

I know you say that you don't get the feeling that something is wrong but teenagers are very funny about this sort of thing-even if they had a small spat with their best friend suzy. Are you sure there isn't anything going on or that something might have happened?
I like the other suggestion to speak to her peers and friends and see what they have to say. If nothing comes up from it then of course you are back to square one but it's not a normal behavior for a teen to be so clingy to their mother.....has she always been this way or is this just a recent behavior pattern?
I had a cousin of mine who the rest always considered her to be a little bit on the weird side. In highschool she was well quite frankly a "nerd" her younger sister when she began high school she was on homecoming court, played basketball, and was very popular with everyone. Yet her sister was a loner which is okay by all means but she didn't want to drive at the age of 16 like everyone else looks forward to doing. As a matter of fact I don't think she even got her first car and license until she was in her mid-20's which isn't "typical" but hey it's okay right? She is in her 30's now and has never left home. She does not date that I'm aware of wheras her younger sister has been married twice. I had a great aunt who was the same way-she never married and never left home. When my grandfather's mother died she stayed in the home until she couldn't and passed in a nursing home ;()( Anyways I guess my point is that although this seems like weird or funny or not normal behavior to us-this is what makes them happy. She seems to do things just not in the same time frame as others. She might very well decide to move out of her parents home or maybe not-I don't know but we love her and she is the sweetest natured person and would never even think about hurting a fly. I do think she should "grow her own wings" but she doesn't want to and why force something that someone else doesn't "want" to do?? She is happy with her life and although I'm sure her parents wished she would indeed move out a part of them is most likely glad to have her there as well.....just because one person doesn't follow the flock doesn't mean something is wrong it's just where they are most comfortable but I have to agree it isn't the "healthiest" thing for them so I would try to encourage her to establish relationships with her friends and maybe sit down and have a heart to heart with her and decide if this is just something she might be feeling because of all the changes in her life or new chapter opening. Feel lucky because most mom's at this stage are considered a pain in the rear to their 17/18 year old daughter.

Personally I'd be wary of coming right out and asking her why she needs so much of your time. It may hurt her feelings and scare her off. She's your daughter and obviously needs you and not giving her what she needs at this age could push her into something destructive. I would ask some teachers if they've noticed any changes. You could ask one or two close friends casually but be careful it doesn't get back to her. Then what I remember loving to hear about when I was younger was my mom's own experiences. Throw some things out there that may be worrying her - going to college, boyfriend issue, feeling not part of a clique etc. Make up stories if you have to (ie: you had a fantastic experience and no issues, pretend things didn't go so well) and see if she perks up at anything. I do think it wouldn't scare her off if you ask her if she's mad at her father, you've noticed she seems to avoid him so much. I remember loving 1:1 time w/ my mom at that age - especially shopping and long car rides to go shopping. It was nonconfrontational time to talk. I never wanted to just sit w/ my mom in her room though etc so this does seem a bit odd. But people are different. It seems early for her to be that worried about going to college but maybe it's the pressure of being a senior and increased pressure to party and drink a lot etc. I never really wanted to "grow up" and maybe your daughter is feeling the same way...