Church Attenders and Christians Familiar with the Bible Please Help!

In my experience jumping into a committe is teh best way, because that brings you face to face with people each week or however often and gives you a conversation topic.

In places were we were invited out for coffee or what ever, nothing much ever came after that initial superficial invite. part of that is me being introverted and protective of my time, but also those that invite move on to invite the next new people and dropped us.

I attend a wonderful church, and am familiar with the Bible.

Bottom line is this: If you don't feel comfortable in your church...try another.

The most important feeling you should have in your church is: God's holy spirit is there. If you don't feel Him there...move on.

We went to a church like that. We tried so hard to fit in but it never worked out. Leaving that church was the best decision we ever made. We have never ever felt closer to God.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with visiting another church just to experience a different atmosphere. Give it a try.

Look up Matthew 25:40.

That being my goal, realize that our church is not a museum for saints. Its a hospital for sinners.

A friend of mine told me he felt left out when he first attended our church. Like you, he felt like he was on the outside looking in. So he decided to be proactive. He and his wife arrived at church early. The made a point to greet everyone that arrived. He introduced himself and his wife and found out the names of those coming in. By the time he was there greeting people for three months, everyone considered them "old timers". In fact they had only been there just over 4 months.

I took a different approach because I'm very bad with names. When ever some one new would arrive at our church, I would ask them over for Sunday dinner. My wife scolded me at first because she wanted me to ask her first. As part of her scolding me she said If I was going to invite people over, dinner was my responsibility. I knew how to cook so that was ok with me. I did most of the shopping and so I knew what was in the freezer and cupboard/pantry. The most challenging was when I invited a man and found out he and his wife had 6 kids. So I cooked for 18. My 10 and his 8. Pretty soon the church members were calling me their very own welcome wagon. I loved it. My service to others made me a vital part of the congregation.

The best way to have a friend is to be a friend. I hope that gives you some good ideas. Good luck to you and yours.

I may not be understanding correctly, You've been attending for 2 and 1/2 yrs but you haven't joined officially? Why not? Because you arent sure if this is the right church or because you didnt want to commit for some other reason (financial??)
Or you have joined but it hasn't brought you the feeling of being "in" ?
My church has lots of committees and opportunities to volunteer, that is how we get closer to other members, have you tried this?
My church has Inquirers classes for those who are thinking about joining, then an official ceremony to welcome them after they join, we hang the pictures of the new members and their families on a bulletin board to help people learn their names, and we have name tags to help us all learn each other's names. If you like your church you could suggest some ways to help people like yourselves fit in faster.

No matter what it is regarding, if you don't feel comfortable, listen to that inner voice. Change churches and find one that fits you.

I love this quote:

Prayer is us talking to God. Intuition is God talking to us.

A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another. (John 13:34, 35 KJV)

It also talks about loving the brethren. When God puts you in a congregation, yes, I believe he expects you to "join" that congregation. It is the body of Christ and you can't be a hand or a foot or the eyes and do your part unless you are joined to that body. That said, we all should be welcoming and do our best to love each other. It sounds like you have taken on a big part of being loving.

Is being a friend the same as being a part of your family? Why? Because membership in your family means you have rights and responsibilities. You depend on your family. You disapline your family, you tolerate some things with your family. You teach things in your family. It sounds like you are listening to the Holy Spirit and he is not letting you go. Maybe he is trying to draw you closer. Maybe He has a job for you but you want to do it as a friend. That way you really don't have to be accountable all the time. You can just get mad and no longer be a part of this body. God is pretty much an all "in" God. In Hebrews it says, that he that comes to God must believe that He is, and he is the rewarder of those that faithfully serve Him. Before you unload your anger on your pastor, check out God first. What is he requiring of you?
It maybe that you Pastor is limited in what he can give and how he loves.
It happens. God may be giving that job to you. The bible talks about equipping you for the challenges in store for you. He may have been doing this all your life for this moment in time. What's holding you back?

It sounds like this may not be the right church for you. Some churches are not very welcoming of new members or visitors, which is not as it should be but is as it sometimes is. You don't have to like the pastor to worship God, but you should not feel like an outsider.

Well being Catholic, I would not want to hang out with our pastor. Then again it is kind of a formal religion.

So the parts that apply, find the right group of people within your church. There are people in my parish, ack, no thanks. Others I just love. Of course Catholic parishes in St Louis are huge! so I have access to a bit of diversity.

I suppose if there was just no one in my parish I connected to I would just switch parish. Same god, different area code, ya know?

I think you need to talk to the pastor. That's his/her job. You need to find out more about the history and customs of this congregation. You can also go in with a positive solution and see how that goes over - maybe the church needs a Welcome Committee with at least one person assigned to each service to welcome newcomers and introduce them to people at the coffee afterwards. Maybe there needs to be a pot luck dinner every month or every other month for people to socialize. Maybe new members' names need to go in the bulletin. Maybe a little welcome packet could be put together - a church directory, a little blurb about "who we are and what we value", a list of committees and what they do, maybe a little gift for the family (such as a free ticket to an upcoming event for which the church usually charges a fee, if there is such a thing), and so on. Tell the pastor you don't feel like you fit in, ask for insight, and see if there is a positive step you can take so that others don't go through this in the future.

Romans 15:7 would be appropriate, and also I Peter 4:9, Romans 12:13, Hebrews 13:1, and Deuteronomy 10:19. If I made any typos in this list, please excuse me!

But you are right in talking with the pastor. God may want you at that church for a reason you don't know about yet. In spite of outward appearances, true fellowship is very difficult! But no one knows you're hurting if you don't say anything. You are obviously a friendly, helpful person, and it could be that the folks don't realize you're suffering under the surface.

It's also a fact of human nature that, while some people are naturally very welcoming to others, many others automatically shy away from an "unknown quantity" (you). They don't even know they're doing it.

You could try approaching it this way instead of being accusatory (which tends to lead to defensiveness): "Pastor, we've been attending for a long time, and we like it here, but somehow we must not be doing the right things to be part of the family. Can you give us some direction? We'd like to stay, but we'd like to feel like family before we commit ourselves to membership."

Praying for you!

I'm UCC and was definitely "led" to my church. One of the tenets of our branch of Christianity is "extravagant welcome". I love it. It's not, however, going to be a good fit for everyone (fundamentalists and literalists might, for example, be uncomfortable with how we interpret the gospels). And since it's a Congregational denomination, not all locations will be the same.

I was raised in a Southern Baptist church. It never felt like faith -let alone "home" - to me. My experience there caused me to leave the faith entirely for many years. I am "home" now and I know it. I wish the same for you. Lots of good thoughts here in the comments. You may need a new church. Or you may need to find your way where you are. We *do* get hurt and angry with family, so I wouldn't automatically assume that means you are in the wrong place.

Best wishes,
e

the Bible doesn't say anything about how people are suppose to treat anyone in church. i love the church i belong to. it's not too big and not tooo small. no matter where or what church you go to there are going to be some kind of clicks of people. if your church doesn't feel right then you need to leave and find the right church for you and you family. pray about finding a new church and God will give you an answer for that!! and as for talking to your pastor....go for it. let him know that you are hurt and angry. he will either give you advice or say stuff beans!! there will be your answer!!

The Bible says you should welcome the foreigner in your midst.

Now, how friendly a church is and how friendly it is perceived varies. It depends on your congregation and what you are looking for. Some churches are very social, have a lot of events, and people spend a lot of time with other church members. And some churches aren't like that. Someone else mentioned that they wouldn't like a small church. Small is great for me and 75 is bigger than the church I attended as a child for many years! For me, the megachurch concept would just be overwhelming but for others it's a wonderful opportunity. You need to find what YOU need.

I honestly don't remember where our parsonage is, but I know it's within walking distance of the church. It may also be that I'm an introvert and I'm OK with not being best friends with someone at church or work or at a volunteer gig. I have best friends from many other areas of my life and if I make more, great! If not, then I look for other opportunities. One way to get to know people is to join committees and volunteer for events and activities.

Are you really an outsider or are you just not going to have really close interactions with some of these people? Church is like any other group. Some people you like, some you don't. I wouldn't commit to membership of a congregation where I didn't feel welcome just to be part of the "in" crowd. Your mileage may vary but sometimes God is very subtle. If you are dissatisfied with this church, nothing says you can't shop around, even if you continue to attend. The comparisons may help you decide to stay or leave.

This makes me think of the passage about the rich man that prepared a lavish feast for his family, but nobody came, so he invited his workers and other people in his community. God meant for us to have the attitude that there is always room for more. You can offer the invitation, but not everyone is going to respond the way you like. You just have to keep approaching people and offering your friendship and God's incredible gift to each of us. Sooner or later, they will respond in kind. I truly believe that.
I attend a big church, a congregation of nearly 3000 people. Probably half that number attend regularly and participate in other activities/programs. I have never had coffee with our Pastor or been to his house, with understandable reason (that's a lot of people to associate with on a regular basis!), but I do feel like he is very approachable. I can talk to him at church events, send him an email or facebook message and he always responds back. That speaks volumes to me. The inclusion piece is huge.
I think since you are feeling lonely and questioning whether to leave or not, IS the Holy Spirit telling you it's ok to look around. Perhaps taking a month or two to visit other churches around town is what you should be doing right now. Maybe God will provide a clearer vision to you as you shop around.
Try to decide what it is that makes you feel like an outsider. When you invite people over, go out for coffee or help with church activities, what exactly are you wanting to get out of that? Friendships? More social activities? etc? I would probably talk to your Pastor and see what he advises, but put it in such a way that you aren't sure if this is your church home. Pastors are not offended by that. They want you to find your place that is most fulfilling with God and often have a network with other churches in the area to help you do just that. Good luck and God Bless. Pray on it. God will guide your steps!
HTH,
A.

A church is an organization of people. The Bible only says that we're to love one another. How that happens is different for different people. Apparently this church is not providing love in the manner that will make you feel loved. It's just like in a marriage. People have to learn how to love each other.

I urge you to talk with the pastor. Until you say something the people in the church will not know that you are feeling unloved and alone. Because of your involvement I suggest that everyone thinks you're OK. They probably see you as belonging.

It's OK for the hurt and anger to come out. You've kept it locked away for too long. It's essential that we deal with our feelings on a daily basis. If you'd spoken up sooner you would have less hurt and anger. Get it out now and start over.

You need something that you're not getting. Think about what it is that you need. You mention going to the pastors home. Do other people go there? Is it common for him to entertain in his home and you've not been included or is it possible that you feel that he should be entertaining in his home and he's not? Take a look at what the church would be like for you to feel included.

Perhaps some things can be changed so that you feel included or perhaps this church just isn't a good fit. It's possible that you need something that this church isn't able to provide. Talking with the pastor is a good way to find out. Let him know how you're feeling and what you'd like to have happen. What would make you feel included?

Remember that the pastor is a human being and he may not be able to hear and accept what you're saying. He may not be a compassionate sensitive person. So start out your conversation slowly. Don't bare your soul if you find that he's not able to hear what you say. I suggest that if you're not able to share your feelings with the pastor; if he becomes defensive or is not understanding that you may have found the reason you don't feel included. Then you'll know it's time to look for a different church family.

BTW it is normal for church members to socialize more with people they know than people they don't know. It is important, however, to welcome new comers and include them. Over time the new person will become a part of those they know well.

Or are you saying that even tho you have been going to this church for 2 1/2 years and participate that you're a non-member and feel less included? If so, yes there is a difference between a member and a non-member practically speaking. It shouldn't make a difference except in the matter of governance. However, I suggest that it may make a difference in how you feel. You may feel separate because you are not included in decision making. Some of those social events could have included church matters to which you're not a part of.

I have attended churches in which I wasn't a member and did feel like I didn't totally belong. It was my feeling and not the way the people were treating me. I discovered this at one church when they asked me to be a member of the alter society. I realized that they didn't know I wasn't a member. My feelings were my feelings and had nothing to do with the way people thought of me.

Hi mom. I'm seeing your thread late, but just want to say that I am appalled by your pastor's wife's attitude and remarks.

This church doesn't deserve you. I hope that you will find a church who doesn't act like this. Good grief!

I will also say that a church with 75 members is a small enough church for everyone that attends to be close knit IF THEY WANT TO BE. The actual membership thing shouldn't be an issue. What she is trying to do is use "membership" as a litmus test and "initiation". I see this as a control type thing. It would be interesting to know what they tell their members that they "must" do.

And any church that would hold you in contempt and withhold "friendship" from you because you don't attend all 3 services is a social club, and not a church family, Mom. I am so glad that you are going to go elsewhere.

Dawn

In my church it isn't common to socialize outside of church except for at church functions. We come for Sunday morning worship and fellowship afterward. We work together on various committee during the week, and plan and attend various church functions. People just don't have time for more than that these days. Of course there are families that have been there for 50+ years who may socialize outside of church, but it really isn't the norm. I did not feel any less welcome because of this. I became more involved when I became a member because I was able to serve on committees. The only time I have ever been invited to my ministers home was for committee functions, not simply to socialize. I wouldn't take it personally. My minister probably "works" 60 hours a week for the church, I would not to expect her to "socialize" with the congregation outside of work. She has her own life and family. The other member also volunteer so much of their time to the church, yet they still have jobs, and housework and kids to get to activities.

Probably nothing-there were no churches at the time the Bible was written, however, I did find the following:

Mark: "Whoever will not receive you nor hear you, as you depart from there, shake off the dust that is under your feet for a testimony against them. Assuredly, I tell you, it will be more tolerable for Sodom and Gomorrah in the day of judgment than for that city!"

I think people are more introverted and shy than we imagine. I also feel that people want their down-time to be theirs, alone and further think many seek to protect their time to compensate for their busy lives and don't easily share it. You could always, "Turn the other cheek".

You've given your small church 2 1/2 years and still don't "fit in", I don't think God would mind if you and your family "visited" a few other churches....perhaps churches with larger congrations. A church of ALL places should make their members (old or new) feel welcomed and loved.

Keep us posted....Blessings...

The Bible says to always be prepared to love and encourage one another. I think you can apply that to new members.

I think you had an awesome idea as for the welcoming committee.

I think the response to it was horrible and goes against everything Christ wanted for in His church. He never said you had to be a member of anything to minister to others. He was never an official member of any church, so to speak.

I want to encourage you to continue welcome the newbies. If you can't do it as "official church business" then do it on your own. Go up tothose people, invite them to sit with you, introduce them to people you know, invite them to your home for coffee or meet them for dessert somewhere. There are lots of ways to welcome people without having to carry around a church banner.

Your heart is in the right place. Go with that and ask God to continue leading you. In the meantime, don't resent your church staff, but rather, pray for them that their hearts will be focused on God's glory, not their own.

This is a very good topic! I am 100% Italian and was raised 100% catholic. However, I felt the same way you do! I never felt like I fit in, or comfortable and didnt get what everyone else say they got out of mass, or going to church. I felt guilty for many years. I also didnt like the views and the pressure they put on the members of the church. We were made to feel guilty and judged. That is not what somthing "church" was supposto be like. I became a Buddhist some years ago and it was the most fantastic choice for me and my family. I respect others and their religions tho no matter what. Maybe you can talk to your pator, but this may be a reach....maybe you can look into other churches/religions?? 2 and a half years is a long time to be feeling this way. Any religion that any person is involved in should feel 100% right, and you should be walking away feeling good, refreshed and motivated, not left out. Just a thought.

I know this may not be exactly what you have gone through, but I think the sentiment is the same-- you desire to be connected to people. After I quit my job to be a SAHM mom I started feeling left out of everything. I became hypersensitive about being lonely. I felt like I was back in jr. high! Amazing how our desire to fit in never goes away.

I kept reaching out and reaching out to different women (some from church and others from my neighborhood) until I found a connection. It took me about a year and a half after staying home to find some other SAHM with whom I have built friendships. I also continue to reach out to other women who may be lonely just like I was. Just keep reaching out. God's word says "Do not grow weary of doing good."

These are quotes from a book called When People are Big and God is Small. It helped me put my feelings into a Biblical perspective.

"... the path of God’s love is a path that leaves us overflowing. Our cup cannot contain what God bestows on us. It is only natural, then, that the comfort we received from Christ will overflow into the lives of other people. Our goal is to love people more than need them. We are overflowing pitchers, not leaky cups. Need other people less, love other people more."

"Out of obedience to Christ and as a response to His love toward you, pursue others in love. Instead of asking “How can I feel better about myself?” ask the question “How can I love Christ and love my neighbor?” Instead of asking “Where can I find my worth?” ask “Why am I so concerned about myself?” “Don’t ask “How can God fill my needs?” but “How can I see Christ as so glorious that I forget about my perceived needs?” "

I pray that you would find those connections that you so long for

Some churches don't do that well. Church congregations are full of sinners just like the rest of the world.

I am sorry you are feeling that way. I felt a little like that too at a church we attended for awhile. Mainly, we didn't have similar backgrounds to the folks who had been there since the "meeting in an office building days".... Most of our church was full of those affiliated in some way with the military... currently or retired, and the entire town is mostly a military town. My husband is not military. Neither of us grew up as military families. And while the military I think does a great job supporting their own, they don't reach out to non-military very well, from my experience.

Is there another church that is the same denomination nearby that you could try, to see if it is a better fit? The persons we felt the most comfortable with was actually our Pastor and his family. Same aged kids, same lack of military background, same history as far as having lived in a CITY vs a town our whole lives.
Our church began a mission church about 30 miles north, and we actually live mid-way between. Pastor asked if we would consider trying out the mission.... It was actually a GREAT fit for us. Many federal employee histories (current and retired) and virtually no military. Not that I have anything against military--don't misunderstand. Just that we don't share that connection/history. We still had the same Pastor. Eventually, he took a call back to California and so our current pastor is someone altogether different, and so is the one at the "home" church.

The theology, however, is the same. :)
Win- win.

I belonged to my church since I was born. I went to school for 11 years at it. Married there. Baptized my kids there. Knew many people including the pastors, organist, teachers, fellow classmates and their families. I just never got the feeling deep down that I belonged. I felt out of place...especially when I decided not to send my kids to the school.

I went on the hunt for a new church, found all the churches in my area that were the same denomination. But they all felt the same...not worse but not better.

I decided to put a post out there to all my friends. Someone suggested a non-denominational church that had just rebuilt a new church and I had also heard it was growing and growing. It's huge. I still have not met the pastor(s) on a one to one level. But it just feels right. Every person working/volunteering for the church that I've encountered have been so nice and helpful. I feel like I belong (and so do my kids) yet were just on small family in a huge congregation. I'm going to go to a new members meeting and see if I still like it.

So my opinion...start church hunting....

I grew up Catholic, and we regularly attended several different parish churches, just depending upon which one we felt like going to that week. We were officially members of one parish, but many if not all Catholic families go to different parishes once in a while just for a change of scenery. I'm unfamiliar with how other faiths handle this, but I don't see why you couldn't try out some other churches and see how you like them. Don't you feel like if God wanted you to go to that church, you'd like it better there and would feel more love from the other members?

I go to church to worship God, not socialize. Churches usually have lots of service groups, bible study groups, prayer groups etc. that you can join if you want to socialize. But I go to a really big church. I can understand that if you're in a smaller church that it would be more uncomfortable to feel that you weren't a part of that close-knit community. If I were you, I'd keep doing what you're doing and the rest will fall into place with time. All you're expected to do is to love others, not demand to be loved, right?

I've been a member of my UU church for fifteen years and have never been to the pastor's house, nor has he ever been to mine. The church does not provide a parsonage - his house is HIS house. I don't feel slighted by that fact - he is always available by phone or email if I need him.
I get along better with some people in my church than others, am close friends with some, have been lovers with some, and am merely acquaintances with others. I'm okay with that. I don't like or relate to all the people in my office on the same level, so why would I expect to like or relate to all the people in my church on the same level?

It sounds like you have given this church enough time to feel comfortable and to fit in with. Probably time to look again.

Having moved now 18 times with kids...I have attended many churches. For us, I would not even consider attending such a small church, unless it was the only option. I know right off the bat I would not fit in there. I want my kids to have opportunities like choir, or handbells, or Christmas Pageants. Small churches like that don't have enough people to organize such events.

There will always be people who are naturally blessed with the spirit of hospitality. But given how small your church is, I imagine your pickings are slim and this is not necessarily anything the Pastor can resolve.

If you really want to improve the situation, perhaps you can recommend a Welcoming Committee, where there are set people who introduce themselves to newcomers and make every effort to help them plug in and feel welcome.