Childrens' Father Has Borderline Personality Disorder

Since you are in the middle of a legal process, it is possible that you can get a court ordered psychological evaluation that is conducted to determine the safety and emotional status of his illness on your children, who would be represented by an advocate appointed just for them in the proceedings. I would speak to your attorney about it, because any bad news about your ex will be better received by all invovled, for the rest of your children's lives, if it does not come from you. I would say less rather than more, and tell your kids that some people have probelems, and we care for the sick in our families. This is a form of mental illness, and though you cannot live with him, he is still a valuable human being, and if they are able to look at the illness with a little less disapointment in him, and more disapointment in his illness, maybe they will not carry quite as much baggae into the future. You certainly do not want any of that baggage assoicated with you; you need to be their rock. The more compasion you can muster and modle, the better off you will be.

M.

Maybe print out what their dads disorder is all about and let your 11 yr old read it... he's old enough to understand. Most websites with info about personality disorders give tools to help family deal with the person while they are having an episode. You children love their dad and probably dont want to abandon him. Teaching them how to deal with him would be the best way to go so they dont get their feelings hurt and dont feel like they are hurting their dad either.

To tell you the truth, study up on the disorder as much as possible, as it can be hereditary, and will help you deal with your ex and your children's involvement with him. We have a family member with bpd and it has taken a major toll on our family. One thing to remember, is that people with bpd can train someone weaker with their distortion campaigns and altered perception of reality, so it's probably a good idea to let them know some details, and how to avoid conflict with him and to set boundaries. Especially explain things to your son in a respectful way, who seems to be taking a defensive stance.

A wonderful resource for you is here:

http://www.bpdcentral.com/index.php

They have an online forum and tons of advice for family members and are authors of one of the most reputable book on the disorder, Walking on Eggshells:

http://www.bpdcentral.com/bks/swoe.php

If it's a TRUE diagnosed disorder then it's an illness and should be discussed as such and taught as such...just as if it was depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder, alchoholism, eating disorder or any other physical/mental illness. If its anything else...thats a totally different story then.

Give them facts as some of the other moms said. If he has been diagnosed, it's not YOU saying it and being "mean", it's a medical fact. They have to understand what's going on so they can deal and so it doesn't screw THEM up, cause that can happen.

Find material on the illness and share it with your children. Illnesses should never be used as an excuse for poor behavior...just as an explanation. Remember the movie "Fatal Attraction"? That's a classic case of someone with BPD.

The DSM-IV-TR has a break down of the illness, stages, and treatments.

Has he actually been diagnosed as having bpd and is he in treatment? If yes, then you probably can work with him and his therapist on what he is willing to share - maybe just saying he processes his emotions differently and a lot of times, it comes out as anger, but what he might actually be feeling is frustration or fear or sadness. If he is undiagnosed, then I would not discuss the diagnosis with the kids but I would find other ways to teach them effective communication techniques such as validation. You could just say, "what I've found works best to really relate to dad is..." and of course, you could model it in your interactions with the kids as the great thing about validation is it actually works well with everyone. You can teach them boundary setting the same way - by using appropriate boundaries with them, appropriate boundaries with your ex and if your daughter is questioning something she doesn't like you could help her with how to set and enforce a boundary. I'm sure your marriage was a roller coaster and you're probably pretty emotionally drained, but it is a disorder and he is their dad so you will likely have to continue to deal with the stress this puts on the family. Build your kids' self esteem in every way you can. Help them with sorting out their emotions, too, as there is an hereditary link to this disorder - just ask lots of open ended questions, lots of "how did that make you feel?" - not just in matters about their dad, but in all your interactions with them. If you can, join a support group and read some books like Walking on Eggshells and I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better, I think it will help you. Good luck with the challenges ahead.