Children Should Be Seen and Not Heard

I am teaching my daughter to say excuse me and wait patiently if I'm talking and there is no emergency (Catwalk's story was funny!), but it's super hard for her, it's a long process. However, if she's trying to listen to and/or participate in an adult conversation I shoo her out of the room and tell her to go play. I send the message this is for adults only and I will stop talking and wait for her leave. Personally I don't think enforcing a 'speak when spoken to rule' is appropriate, but she just needs to understand that there is a forum for her thoughts and opinions and then there is not. :)

"Speak only if spoken to"?? Wow, it is 2011 right? I think it's important to teach manners with regard to interrupting and also that some conversations are for adults only. Also, some conversations help build vocabulary, understanding and growth on the part of the child and I think that has contributed to my daughter being able to be part of conversations without trying to monopolize them.

My first thought is, as an adult you shouldn't talk in front of children about adult business. If she comes around as an adult conversation is taking place, I would tell her we are having adult conversation and she needs to play. If she's smart enough to try to join an adult conversation then she's old enough to know that she's not invited to one.

Oh Lori-

This reminded me of years ago...when several of my kids were this age...We were hosting a family gathering, and as I was speaking with the 'grand parentals', eldest son came bursting into the conversation...using my 'best mommy skills', I cautioned Ryan saying, "You need to wait your turn ...the adults are speaking"...in any event...a few minutes later, I turned to recognize ryan, and he said, "the grill is on fire!"

And it WAS!!

SO...just be careful! lol
Michele/cat

If there is no blood and no fire:

"Mommy is talking to grown ups right now, you need to go play on your own until I'm finished".

A number of years ago, my hubbys family from out west (WY, etc) came to visit (for his 90 year old Grandmas surprise party here in MN). They are wonderful, loud talking boisterous folks and I loved my time with them here.

But one thing I learned from them was "tall talk". They had young preschool and early elem age children with them as well, and ALOT of people were crammed into my small house for the 4 day weekend (5 children ages 6 mos-6 years old and 5 adults in my small house). We had alot of catching up to do too!

The 2 cousins kept telling their children "This is tall talk..what do you need? " to their kids. They would give them a second to reply..to interrupt as a small child would need to, attend quickly to the request, then push them along to the playroom I have for my home daycare, to play with the others. Apparently tall talk means you have to be "this tall" (indicate with your hand how tall). LOL. Many times, they just put their hand out and the 3 and up age kids just sorta pouted and turned right back around (by then we knew they had access to the potty, a drink, etc..and were just being a bit pesty). Worked every time, so I do it now too!

That's a bit outdated, don't you think? My view: children should be heard, but not seen... meaning, go play in your room, stay out of my hair for 20 minutes, and as long as it's not silent I know you're not getting into trouble!! ;)

When my kids want to chime in on an adult convo, my kids place a hand on my shoulder to let me know they would like a turn, and then I allow them to talk when I feel it is appropriate. They learned this hand to shoulder bit at school and it has simply carried over to our house and works for us. If I wait too long, some of the kids begin tapping the shoulder, dancing around/swaying. It can be quite funny, or annoying, depending on the day. Lol.

If the adults really want to talk with no interruptions, the only thing that works for us is waiting until the kids go to bed!

I totally agree with melanie d. When my kids are within earshot, I don't talk about things that I wouldn't wan them listening to. This also sounds like an issue of interrupting. Of course, she should be taught to not interrupt anyone and wait her turn. NOW, if she does wait her turn and has something at say about what they are talking about, then i think her opinion could be cute and lighten the mood- or be something really funny (like "kids say the darnest things"). If the adults aren't wanting to have a four year old around and listening and perhaps giving her thoughts (when not interrupting), then for heaven's sake- have the conversation when she isn't around:)

I was like this as a child, and my mom used to preface every conversation with 'this is a private adult conversation so anything we say doesn't leave this room'. And since I obeyed her I got to hear some pretty juicy stuff! lol

My own daughter is also very interested in grown-up talk, but doesn't yet have the filter that would prevent her from telling her whole preschool class whatever she's overheard. So, for now, I shoo her out of the room when the adult content is too much for her.

As for interrupting, I just say 'it's rude to interrupt honey' and keep talking. When it's a good time for her to say her piece I turn to her and say 'now, what did you want to say?' And she usually chimes in then.

Another thing that I've found helpful to burb the interruptions is to NOT interrupt my children when *they're* speaking. Even if they're babbling and repeating themselves for the 3rd time, I listen paitently. It goes a long way with kids if they feel like they've been heard and respected.

my kids are constantly around so "adult" conversations are almost impossible. I have used " the grownups are talking, you will have your turn" sometimes it just comes down to being firm I have literally shooed my my boys out of the room

I have had lots of times when a friend and I were discussing things not for little ears. We redirect the kids to the other room every time they come in. They have their toys int heir bedroom, their TV and DVD player is in the bedroom, they have walls covered with sheets of shower surround so they can color on the walls with markers and wipe-able crayons, they have games, they can even have snacks. Wanting to know what the grownups are talking about is normal. Getting to participate is not. We are adults it is our job to censor the conversation little kids are around. If her conversation is something she doesn't want the little one to be around it is her job to say to her friend "Excuse me a moment please" then find out what is needed from the child and redirect them to an appropriate activity.

If it keeps happening she has to decide what her next action is going to be. Is her choice to stop the conversation and pay attention to the most important person in her life? or to have the child sit in time out for not listening to instructions or obeying a boundary issue? It is basically up to the person to decide who is more important and who needs to be patient.

Two of my friends think their kids are more important and if they want attention they get it. They are the most important things in their lives and are not going to put someone else in front of them.

Most of my other friends take a moment to remind the kids they have been asked to give the grownups some time alone and others just swat their hiney and tell them to go back to their room.

When my little one wants to join in the conversation, we have her put her hand on my arm. I put my hand over her hand so that she knows that I am aware that she is there and wants to contribute. At a natural break in conversation, I address my little one and ask her what she would like to say (or do you need something, honey?). If the conversation isn't really one that needs a little one's input, I instruct her to go play (and give suggestions of what she may do). Otherwise, we just continue on the way we were.

My daughter was also precocious, and often DID have some pretty interesting tidbits to add to "adult" conversations. As long as she joined the conversation politely ("May I say something?"), she was allowed to participate.

If it was a conversation that, for whatever reason, I didn't feel her participation was a good idea, I simply told her, "Mommy and ____ need to talk privately. Please go find something else to do for a few minutes while we finish our conversation."

Of course, if it was an emergency, she knew not to wait for a break in the conversation to tell me that there was a funny smell coming from the water heater closet.

I wouldn't allow her to get used to participating in adult conversation. Too many parents discuss topics NOT appropriate to a 4 yo. She should be told that the adults are talking, this doesn't concern her and she should go and play.

I hate the being seen but not heard line! That was a saying formed when families hired full time nannies and moms only saw "the children" for 30 minutes a day or less due to the important social lives they had. It has ceased to be applicable to todays' society!

Ok off soapbox

What we did is we actually taught our children to say "excuse me" and then wait to be called on. We always call on them within 30 seconds so usually once that thought has been completed. My 5 year old can wait a whole minute now but the 2.5 year old is still 30 seconds. The reason you need an excuse me tactic is because if little brother Billy has fallen into the pool and is in trouble you need to know but kids think all things are equally important until about 5 or 6. They don't really understand that "the ballon is red" and "Joe got bit by a dog" have different levels of importance.

After the child has said her piece you can then tell her "thank you, why don't you go off and play for a while" and get back to adult talk.

I taught my daughter (she is three) and son that if they want to say something while adults are talking to raise their hand...just like in school.

I will nod to them that they have been seen and at a break in the conversation say..."my daughter" would like to say something...then she gets to "break in" and say her piece. Then the adults go back to talking.

Sometimes she does look like a plant swaying in the wind with all the waving of hand over her head...but she will wait until called on.

Some children prefer adult conversation. I know I did and my 5 year old son does too.

The best thing to do for us is to give him something to busy himself with prior to having an adult like conversation. He also knows what adult means, we will tell him we are discussing adult things and to give us 5 minutes. He comes and asks his questions and listen for a while, then we'll excuse him again.

I think it's important to give the adult talk a little break, other wise children seem to get more frustrated and fervent on butting in.

She's probably looking for attention and feels 'replaced' by the new baby. But as a Mom I know how nutty you can get surrounded by kids all day with no one to talk to who uses words bigger than 4-5 letters. I would give her the floor for about 10 minutes then put in a DVD that she likes and give her a snack.
After the company leaves hold her and read her a story or color with her for 10-15 minutes. She needs special time with her Mom.

if my children interupt etc, I simply tell them that they need to wait until the conversation is done or has a pause and say excuse me , wait to be recognized then proceed to talk.

She should learn not to interrupt. But the adage that children should "be seen and not heard" is archaic and shows a complete lack of understanding about children and their needs.

If the conversation isn't appropriate for the little one to be a part of, then the conversation should not be in front of her either. Kids hear and understand a lot more than most adults give them credit for...they may misinterpret things but they tend to get the jest of the conversation.

I just tell my kids to shoo-its grown up talk time. There is nothing more annoying than a preecocious child who is allowed to participate in adult discussion. For a minute or 2 fine, but then go away.

great website for these types of questions ...dr. laura markham www.ahaparenting.com

I believe this is something that needs to be handled with love and grace. There are times when it's ok for children to be part of adult conversations. And there are times when it's rude to interrupt when others are talking. I think each time, it might need to be addressed...but not in a rude manner from the adult...but a loving and sometimes eye to eye manner...depending on the child.

Also for the parents to make time for giving their little girl special time. Reminding her she's special as well. I know when we had our second son, our oldest son felt pushed to the side. It was hard for him. It still sometimes is, and now he has 2 younger siblings. She needs to know she's special and to have her things kept safe from her younger sibling, too.

When my hubby and I are discussing something and our children (we only have 1 that's particularly nosy...LOL) listening in or butting in, we just send them away each time reminding them that we are discussing something. After a while, they get the hint and stay out of our conversations. If I was talking with a friend and our kids were interupting etc., I'd send them away to go play. Our 5 kids are homeschooled so we're used to having them around and they're used to adult conversations. We're a very close and together all the time. But there are times when we need to discuss something with each other or talk with other adults and we don't want them hanging around or interupting etc. Otherwise, they're welcome to join us anytime. =) It's just a matter of setting boundaries.

Can the child go to her room to play while the grown ups talk? She's 4 so she understands. It does sound like she is seeking attention and engaging in grown up talk needs to stop. I'm not sure how I would enforce it though, especially if she is defiant about leaving the room.

my husband and i tell our son that we were talking first and it's rude to interrupt - and that he must wait for his turn to talk. i can so easily see mine doing this if we had a new baby! he's such a talker. we have had to tell him a hundred times. and probably will a hundred more. he does stop talking when you tell him - it's just remembering the next time that's the problem! we don't acknowledge his questions until it's his turn- until we are done talking. then i always say, "and what were you wanting to say honey?" to make sure he knows it's not that i don't want to hear what he's saying, it's the timing that was off.