Children Not Getting Along Issues

Updated on June 26, 2011
O.S. asks from Schaumburg, IL
8 answers

I have six daughters and a son(I'm putting their middle names too just because I like their names better all together)- Halley(ryhmes with valley) Madison, Bridget Rose, Elizabeth Grace, Juliet Alison, Raina Hope, Teddy/Ted Remus and Calista Faith. They are ages 14, 12, 9, 7, 5(twins), and 3. It seems like Halley, Bridget, Elizabeth, and Juliet CANNOT stop fighting and ignoring and being inconsiterate/rude to the youngest three. It seems like there are four children always shouting and three always crying and I've tried family meetings, talking to the older kids, etc but nothing is working.

What can I do next?

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J.H.

answers from Honolulu on

You might have already tried this but you might look into the book "siblings without rivalry.". BTW, love the names - you wouldn't by chance be a jk Rowling fan would you? ;-)

1 mom found this helpful

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L.C.

answers from Washington DC on

I only have 2 children, so this may or may not be something you'd be interested in trying...
We have a sibling constitution that hangs in our home.
It is a list of 10 rules that the children made up one day.
It has such things as - no yelling, no fighting, share nicely, ask to borrow something and return it in the condition in which it was received... etc.
We spent a morning making that up. They hung it between their bedrooms and they see it every single day.
I think we did that when they were in 4th and 6th grade respectively and they've had few issues since.
I think the most important rules were: You can't borrow something unless you ask... You can't enter the other's room without knocking...
They also had consequences for breaking the rules that they created... For example, if you broke something you borrowed, you were required to immediately report the breakage and replace the item- with your own money - unless the owner could live without it.
If they were bickering, I made them play together in the same room for 15 minutes, but they weren't allowed to talk. Sometimes I made them play a board game. Sometimes I made them make a puzzle. Usually, after the 15 minutes, they wanted to be together. :-)

YMMV
LBC

2 moms found this helpful
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M.M.

answers from Los Angeles on

I don't have specific suggestions for you as to the fighting -- but I do think that your kids deserve anonymity as to their issues. Being so specific as to their names when you're discussing their problems in a public forum really doesn't seem in their best interest. They deserve some privacy .

7 kids must be quite an adventure ...wishing you all the best!

1 mom found this helpful

R.R.

answers from Los Angeles on

How about consequences for the older ones who are fighting, ignoring, shouting and being inconsiderate to the younger three? Even 7 is old enough to be responsible and behave once she's been talked to.

Start taking away privileges and things like TV and computer time, video games, going to friends houses or having them over, no dinner and straight to bed, whatever you need to do to get their attention and take you seriously. Above all be consistent in following through whatever you say you're going to do with all of them.

A.J.

answers from Williamsport on

My step sister has 6. They are not allowed to fight in ear shot of mom and dad past one warning, at other people's houses, or if company is over (they are allowed to fight though as long as they can deal with their own injuries without tattling and running to mom). After one warning from a parent, they scram outside or pipe down because it will be enforced-and not just by talking or meetings if you know what I'm saying.

They usually don't fight around company or continue, but over the years I've seen a couple of instances where a few spanked kids were sitting separately around the house in isolation :) (if it's your older ones, though, they're too old for this), and a couple of times I've seen activities thwarted where they were all shooed off the trampoline or a ball was taken away or the swimming hole trip was ended early and everyone was given tough chores to do instead since they chose to fight after being warned.

It is NOT enough to just stop the playing or use time out. They ALSO need a tough consequence. For older kids, hard chores in addition to loss of privileges work well. You want them avoiding discipline and changing or controlling the behavior, not just having discipline implemented all the time.

As for the rude ignoring of younger ones, their dad always says to an older one: "Son, is So and So having fun?" if he notices someone feeling left out or sad. That's considered a warning to include and be nice to the sibling.

B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

Sorry.
I have no solutions for you.
Growing up it was just me and my sister (she's 22 months younger) and we fought fairly constantly till we grew up and moved away from home.
Our Mom let us work out our own arguments (I'm sorry - Dr Spock was just WRONG on this one.).
Unfortunately the way we worked them out most of the time was to knock the offending party over and sit on them.
We didn't JUST bicker - we brawled, pulled hair (out), slapped - we never broke bones, or drew blood though.
You might try sending them all to separate corners of the house (they can read quietly or do chores inside/outside the house).
They can't fight or be teased if they are all alone for awhile (maybe the younger ones together would be ok as long as they get along).
If nothing else works, it's only 4 or so more years till the oldest starts college and things should calm down as they begin moving out.

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S.H.

answers from St. Louis on

we knew my Mom had "had it" when she started implementing.....Kiss & Make Up. My Sis & I were teenagers & squabbling regularly......& so Mom made us start kissing each other "to show the love".

We HATED it. It was the worst kind of punishment & soooo gross! BUT it worked. After a few rounds of her pushing us together & holding us in a hug.....the whole bickering thing just became humorous & we were fine. She also used timeout....sitting in a corner, planting our nose to the wall, etc. It was soooo backwards & humiliating for teens to receive this type of punishment.....that thru sheer shock value, we learned our lessons & behaved/treated each other better.

Sooo, here's my idea: make a paddle (like a judge's paddle). One side says "Thank you for being kind & considerate".....the other side says "please find a way to be nice". When you see behavior escalating, hold up your paddle.....& after a few rounds of this, they should be identifying the bad behavior & acknowledging your opinion of the situation. If they can't stop the cycle, then consistently issue the punishment. Hope this helps!

D.D.

answers from New York on

It's hard to manage the dynamics of a larger family because it seems like some personalities mesh well while others are like oil and vingar. Your older girls are old enough to be more in control of their tempers with their younger siblings. It's hard to break their routine of being bossy and inconsiderate but it can be done as long as you are consistant.

Give the older girls responsibilities concerning the younger children. Have them be responsible for say getting them dressed in the morning or sitting next to them during a meal and making sure they have all the food they need and everything is cut into portions. Praise them for everything they do. In return have the little ones help out the older ones by doing things like matching socks in the laundry or lining up shoes in pairs. Make sure that the older girls have some time without the little ones around.

Now here's the hard part: you have to be there and jump in at the first shout from the older kids. Squash it before it escalates by warning first and then punishing the older kid. I always told my older girls that they were old enough to know better. Unfair? Probably but sorry life isn't always fair.

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