Children Affected by Family Dispute- Need Advice

Wait... I re-read your post: this is either YOUR or YOUR HUSBAND'S brother, sister and grandmother. I thought it was your parent's siblings and grandmother! All of the advice stays the same. I did not go back and change Aunt/Uncle to other names. However, does that mean that YOUR/YOUR HUSBAND'S GRANDMOTHER passed away about a year ago? Brother and Sister may really miss her even though you don't. If you have told them this then, YEAH, THEY ARE HURT! I would be devastated if one of my sisters told me "no one really misses Grandma" even if it was true, because ***I*** loved her. Did you go to the funeral, or skip it because she wasn't important to YOU? Funerals are NOT for respecting the dead: they don't care anymore. Funerals are for supporting those who miss them. I attend some funerals of people I don't know well just to support my friends who did. All of this will play into how long it takes to become "normal" again.

This is my post before adding the above paragragh:

I do feel some of your pain. When my grandmother passed there were a lot of hurtful things said between my aunts & uncles and my mom before and after. My aunts & uncles & mom went through the same type of family break-up. It tore all of us cousins apart and we were already adults at the time. We had all grown up together, staying at each others homes for the summer, you get the picture. So it really hurt us when we would hear: If so-and-so is going them I'm not. We ended up inviting who our parents would talk to. It took several years, but our parents started calling each other again and now we're one big family again. It's not the same as it was, but we are HAPPY again. So, it can happen.

This is a good teaching moment for your kids. ALL relationships (friends, siblings, parent/child, cousins, aunts/uncles-to-nieces/nephews, AND marriages) take work. "Sorry" does not wash everything away instantly. When one of my kids has said sorry to the other, I don't make the hurt one automatically accept it. I let them work that part out. I remind them both that "sorry" expresses regret for the word or action and acceptance of the apology exresses forgiveness. However, since we are mere humans the pains still stays for a little while, so if the hurt one accepts the apology they do NOT have to play right away with the one who hurt them. They can NOT hurt back, but don't have to pretend to not still hurt. Explain that once words are out, it's done and you can't take away the hurt you caused. Saying sorry is the way to START the healing process. Saying sorry does not make everything okay immediately. Saying sorry tells the other person that you regret hurting them, but it does not take away the hurt like a magic wand. And the longer between the hurtful actions and the apology, the longer the memory of the actions has to bury deeper into the heart and turn into anger.

Your kids know about arguing between themselves and their friends, and how things said can hurt A LOT. Do your kids know, now that their older, that there was a disagreement or something where you adults said hurtful things? (not the whys and wherefores, they don't need that) If not, then have they been told "kind" things like 'Aunt & Uncle are too busy to see us right now' and so on? If that is what they think happened then they will not understand the tension between you and the aunt & uncle. You don't need to tell them WHY there was an argument, but you need to tell them that the reason the tension is there is because y'all had an argument and you ALL said some mean things (don't tell who said what). Admit that you said hurtful things, too, so that they get the lesson that ANYONE can make a mistake. When we have such big breakups, there is no such thing as "back to normal". You have to create a "new normal".

It took two years for the apology to happen. That's a long time for all of you to be hurting. Your Aunt & Uncle may have thought that "let's put the kids first" meant that you only wanted to reconcile because THE KIDS wanted to see them, not you. That may be why they're avoiding you. Or they may feel uncomfortable and not know how to start a conversation with you. The next time you see them, after they hug the kids, walk up and say something like "I really miss having you in my life. May I have a hug, too?"

My prayers for your whole family!

Well- I am of the same opinion as you, that 'life's too short'. My husband's family holds grudges FOREVER, though, so I have also seen the other side, even though, personally, I don't think it's worth the pain and drama.

It sounds to me like you have made the overture and extended the olive branch. You can't really do much more. Continue to be pleasant and polite and hopefully your aunt and uncle will come around.

but=you need to know, and explain gently to your kids- that we cannot change or control other people's behavior. We can love them, even if we don't agree with everything they do, but in the end, only THEY can decide how they are going to feel about something or how they will act.

It's sad that your kids want everything 'back the way it was' but this can be a teaching moment - always think about your own actions and how what you say and do affects other people. Let your kids know that it is ok for them to love their aunt and uncle and want things to be the way they were- but sometimes we also have to accept that WE can't personally make that happen and work on things the way they are NOW.

Good luck- this kind of family drama causes so much pain and wastes so much time. I hope your family can get over this!

It really struck me how you said that they cut off communication with your kids without mentioning yourself. Clearly they are angry with you and your children have suffered as a result. It was very wrong of all the adults involved to allow the kids to suffer because of their disputes. One thing I know about grief is that it makes people act in ways they would not normally act. Enough time has passed to allow some of the wounds to heal a little bit. I think that you should put your own interests aside and ask to have a frank discussion with your relatives. Let them know that you regret what has happened and want to reconcile. It sounds like everyone did something hurtful to each other. You all need to be adults and move on.

What is important here is THE FAMILY relationships not your or your or your relative's anger, feelings of being "wronged," or desire to be right. Consider this for yourself and ask your relatives what kind of family you want to be then focus on working toward achieving that goal.

This is hard, you can not change other people, so if they insist on being cold there is very little you can do. Maybe make one last appeal, and have the kids write a short note about missing them and wanting to be a family again. After that, all you can do is hope that their hearts will help turn them around.

Should I assume that you were the problem in your aunt and uncle's opinion? Are you of the personality that makes them want their distance because it wasn't only the event but your way of relating to people? You don't say and you don't blame them. If you have any doubt, ask the aunt if you can have an honest discussion of you just listening and going home to absorb.

Don't have your defenses up. No excuses. You can say things like "Really?" when you are surprised that they hold that opinion of you (or the way you raised your kids. Tell them you appreciate her input and willingness to talk about it and you will take it to heart. Ask what you can do to start the healing process.

That's just one way. Too little information is given here for anyone to recommend so I had to go on what you said and what I ascertained from what you said and didn't say.

The sad thing in life is sometimes we just cannot control what other people do. All you can do is to tell your children they need to always be kind and loving, even in uncomfortable situations like this.

I understand that they are hurt at the actions of the aunt and uncle but as a parent I think you just keep up a good attitude, be kind, and do what you can. I would not want my children subjected to too much of this poor behavior so maybe it is better that you don't see them much. Just let your children know that sometimes things don't work out the way we want and just to focus on what they do have and the people who want to be there for them. Hopefully the aunt and uncle come around eventually.

Good luck.

There's only so much you can do. It sounds as if the "ball is in their court". You can keep apologizing to your kids... They'll figure it out.

Don't push it, let them come to you in their own time