Child Who Never Wants to Do Anything

I have a child like that.
The problem was screen time. Some kids will be happy to watch a screen all day (it's sad). Then doing anything sounds like a bore.
Take away ALL screen time. That's what we did.
Then he LOVED getting to do anything.
At home he had to use his imagination, or be bored, etc.
So getting to go do something was a treat.

If there is a screen (and again, not all kids get addicted), he won't want to leave the house.

He's a grump. My 2nd grandson is a grump. It's just his personality. How do you deal with it? You start off by letting him know that the world doesn't revolve around any single person. Explain that when the family is doing something he needs to participate and not be a jerk. There will be a time when he'll want to do something special and the rest of the family won't want to do it but they will and they won't be jerks.

Explain that he's not a young child anymore and part of growing up is doing things, going places, and participating in activities. Not everyone wants to do things all the time but being part of a team means you participate. Being part of a family means you participate.

I can definitely read your frustration. I think it helps to re-frame differences like this in terms of temperament. He is probably an introvert and doesn't actually enjoy this dynamic any more than you do. It helped me tremendously with my own kids to understand that introversion and extroversion relate to how a person fuels him or herself. Extroverts get a "pick me up" from going out to do things...they feel good after an outing and get energy from engaging with and interacting with others. It's not about being the life of the party, but about gaining energy through interaction. Introverts have the opposite method of refueling. For them, going out and interacting with others is draining. They need time alone to build their energy back up. It's not about being difficult or anti-social, it's about knowing when their own bank is running low.

So assume the best about your son and that he would much rather not have this kind of struggle with you all day every day. And engage him in problem solving. Present it as a puzzle: I know that you have a temperament that has an easier time staying at home and that when we're out, you can get cranky and overwhelmed. But, you know that we regularly need to run errands and do fun things that we all enjoy. How can we make this easier so that we don't end up being so mad at each other all the time?

And see what he says. Let him think about how it feels for him to be at the pool and want to go home after 45 minutes. Is he tired? Overwhelmed? Give him a chance to articulate how he feels and how these interactions affect him. And brainstorm solutions together. Perhaps you can make a general rule that after 45 minutes, he can sit in a quiet spot and read a book or play a game or listen to music on headphones or get a snack, then you expect to stay for X amount of time more so that you other child can enjoy time there too. Do the same thing for other regular outings - come up with a coping plan in advance, and reward him with praise and encouragement when he manages to do well.

Rather than continue with the dynamic of threats and punishment, change your approach to one of praise and rewards. Start with little to no screen time and have him earn it by pleasantly following through on outings you agree to. And don't expect perfection...reward incremental improvements. Meaning, if you have to go to the grocery store and he only complains once or twice before going out instead of pitching a fit, that's an improvement. Recognize and reward it.

My oldest son is an introvert at heart. I had the toughest time with him when he was younger - he's the kid who would crawl into my lap at every family outing and act like he had never seen these people before and would fall to pieces at his own birthday parties. He hated any kind of transition. The book "Raising Your Spirited Child" was enormously helpful in helping me to understand his temperament and re-frame his actions. Instead of seeing him as just being difficult to torment me, I realized that this was no picnic for him either. He has gotten better over time, and came out of his shell a lot once he started Kindergarten (he's 16 now) but even now, I know that when he says he doesn't want to do something that other people would think is fun (go to a party or an amusement park, etc.) that he's not being coy, he really isn't interested. And if it's not important, then I respect his wishes. In time, he's come around to enjoy things that he wouldn't have done in the past, like go tubing or deep sea fishing or on a ferris wheel, because he's been able to do them on his own time, on his own terms.

Hopefully you and your son can work together to better understand and respect his temperament and find solutions that work for your family.

I actually feel rather bad for your son. It sounds like he is an introvert. What you deem fun and enjoyable just aren't fun for him. They are draining.

Perhaps if you explain that we all need to do things we don't enjoy doing and then limit the time spent in 'social' situations he will buck up and stop being a grump. If you say we are going to the pool for an hour instead of come on let's go to the pool, you'll have fun, he might be more apt to handle the situation without the bad attitude.

It is hard for extroverts to understand that introverts really truly do not enjoy the same things you do. I have one of each and it does make things difficult...balancing each child's needs is hard. Good luck!

People are mentioning screen time but do you give him that much or that's just what you take away? I'm not qualified to answer this but as a former introvert, I'm interested reading people's answers and seems to me you should try to breakdown what's going on. Does he want to stay home BC then he gets screen time? ie he is addicted in a way? Or he just doesn't like going places? Bc if it's the latter, then I'd really try to work with his personality. I'm sure it's super frustrating... But definitely talk to him if you haven't already why he only likes to be at the pool a short time etc. Maybe the answer is letting him go read a book after the 45 min he is happy? You shouldn't be held captive at home but it may just be so draining for him out for long. If that's the case, I'd make him go and be pleasant but for short times. At 10 he should be able to explain what is bothering him and how long he can stand outings. If it's that he just wants to play computer games, I'd let him stay home but limit them to 1 hour a day and see how he is then. You mention he's always been like this though so I'm thinking it's not driven by screen time. There are kids who go places and go sit in a corner and read. They'll get better with age and it seems healthy to make them increase their social time slowly. I did outgrow a lot of my desire to be alone reading a book. But to me that's the difference. I wasn't watching TV all day or playing computer games. I just entertained myself and read and that's what made me happy.

My youngest son is like your son; you are not alone. We go through so many tantrums and bad moods daily...since he was born, so you definitely have my sympathies. The one thing that has really helped me with this issue is to let him know ahead of time what we will be doing and when we do the activity, I talk him through it. For example, we just took our dog for a walk. A half hour before the walk, I explained that we would be going on a walk at 6 to get some fresh air. I told him that we would only be walking two blocks and then we would be home so that he could watch TV. If he knows what is going to happen, he behaves better. I know it may sound like overkill, but it lessens his anxiety and makes my life easier.

I am interested in reading your responses on this issue. Thank you for posting.

I hope you'll go back and re-read Pam R.'s good response. Please talk with your son -- NOT when he is grumpy or has been told he must go somewhere and is peeved! Wait until he's mellowed out! He should be able to express, if you can ask in the right way, the "why" behind this. If it is all about gaming and videos, that's one issue. But there may be more going on: Maybe he feels that at the pool, he's simply bored because he doesn't really like swimming or even horsing around in water, and he doesn't like being in the heat out of the water (that's how I am -- the pool is the last place I want to be, frankly). Or he may feel secretly that he's not as good at swimming or tricks as the other kids -- have you observed closely when he's in the water to see if maybe he's holding back compared to other kids, even though he gets candy etc.? Or on other outings, he may get quickly overwhelmed if there is any kind of crowd; does he do better in very small groups or just with family present?

Regarding the pool, that is something I wouldn't force with him, but it sounds like you don't want him home alone which I sure understand; I'd just tell him, your sibling and I want to go and you can't stay home alone, so bring a book and I don't mind if you go read in the shade or go in the water. Maybe do twice a week at the pool rather than three times and then cheerily tell him, "You got through OUR pool time without sulking so today YOU get to choose what we all do as long as it's outside the house." Sounds fair to me.

What about in school? It's summer now, but during the school year, how much did you know about whether he interacted well there? Did he participate freely in class or did teachers have to "drag it out of him" to get him to participate? How was he about doing group projects, which are increasing by age 10? I would really want to know if the impulse to be alone and the tendency to check out or be irritable are also present in school; in scouts or church youth group or martial arts or sports or whatever else he does. Talking in detail and privately with his teachers, coaches, leaders, etc. could help you figure it out.

He's in camp next week - does he WANT to be there? Pay attention next week: Does he fuss and fume each day about being "forced" to go? Does he do that but then come home talking positively and happily about what went on that day at camp? Assess whether he's turning off the sulkiness at camp or if it seems to continue there. Don't be afraid to ask to talk to whatever counselor sees him most of the day -- by midweek the counselor may be able to tell you something useful, and you too can pay attention to how your son is before and after each camp day. If it's sleep-away camp, it's harder to gauge, but the counselors will know him better so don't hesitate to tell the director you want to talk to his counselor at the end of the week.

I would not just dismiss this as "Oh, he's an introvert, it's just the way he is." That can be the case, but I know introverted kids who are not grousy and grumpy and who don't sulk.

Is the "he always wants more game time" a summer phenomenon or does it go on during the school year as well? You mention sports practice but no other activities. During the school year, I might get him into a few more things outside school -- let him help choose so he feels an interest. Investigate what he likes best; does he really like art class at school? Find a summer AND school year extracurricular art class for fun. Or if he's into building and programming, get him into Lego Robotics (serious robotics, not little-kid Legos! Schools have chapters of this club and some libraries have robotics clubs or classes). And so on. You have to be proactive to find these things but they are out there.

You can't force him to be social but you can work on the sulkiness -- a trait which will be increasingly unappealing to teachers and other kids too. Getting him into things that really interest him but also involve other people and leaving the house could help. An engaged and interested kid won't be sulky at that time.

I hope you limit him to weekends only for game time in the school year. That can help a LOT. I have friends who do that with their sons and after some initial distress the sons quickly were so occupied with their other activities that they fell in line with the "games only on weekends" rule in the school year.

I had one son who turned into this type of person, but sadly he developed bipolar/depression later in life. Your son might have social anxiety disorder, he might do this for a control issue, or he might actually have anxieties and fear that could easily be dealt with for medication.Or he might just like staying at home! I can relate to you in the fact that you want to have some fun once in awhile. since my son became like this later, I watched him go through his young years excited about doing some things. And have forced him to go to things like weddings where he has made us miserable. I finally got brave recently and went away with my husband for a couple of days. He was fine when we came back. but it is always prevalent. If you can, see someone first for yourself, a group or church person or a therapist and find out how you can deal with it. You need a life too.

As an introvert I needed to learn how to not have a cranky, evil, or a wet blanket attitude when having to participate in things I didn't want to do. One of the ways my mother encouraged me is to tell me what kind of behavior she expected of me when these times happened which was often.

I also didn't have a choice about going out on some of these occassions. So I got to practice and hone my new skills. This is very important to learn how life doesn't revolve around you and how to choose to be content in any circumstance.

It is helpful to teach him how to create a bubble around him when he feels overwhelmed by the #'s of people. This bubble is totally mental and may also be spacial as well. He needs to find a corner or space within the larger space where he can be to himself for a time so he can come back and join in the festivities. I do t his often to regain my center.

It is alright for him to be to himself but he also has to learn how to operate in the world interacting with others even when he may not want to but need to. It all begins now.

I'm a relatively well rounded introvert and on a really good day some would think I was an extrovert. I'm that good that I can fool some people that don't know me well. It's a good skill to learn and master. Continue to encourage him.

My husband is like this. I realize I enjoy myself a lot more if I leave him at home, rather than bring him along only to hear him complain or try to rush me to leave.

Leave your son at home when you have someone to watch him or if you aren't going to be gone too long he can stay by himself for a few hours. If staying at home isn't an option give him some other options. He has to come along, but doesn't have to participate. He can bring a book or his ipod and find a quiet place to sit.

He sounds like me. I hate going places and would rather stay home with a book or movie, although if I force myself out I usually have a good time. Sometimes people are just introverts.

Yep. I let the grump sit there and grump and ignore him, but it is a big pain. It might have started out as anxiety but then has morphed into a power play.

I, too have had the attitude, I don't care what you want, you are going and not ruining this for everyone. Your choice is to take a book and read, or have fun, but not complain, bicker, argue, scowl, or otherwise hold us hostage to your bad mood. It's bad manners and will cost you friends in the long run and any freebies in the short run.

Sounds like love and logic might be a good fit for you. the "takes so much of my energy line" immediately reminded me of that program. See if it resonates for you.

I wonder, what is it about home that he wants so badly and he can't have at the pool? If you figure that out, you've figured out his currency. Use it to your advantage.

Best,
F. B.

yes he is an introvert.. but he might also be anxious.. social anxiety.. ?? being out in public scares him.. an he doesn't act scared.. he acts grumpy..

I have a similar child..

try counseling might help..

Would he like to join a reading group, a chess group, art class or something that interests him? Our community college has a video gaming camp that teaches kids to make a video game. I'm sure he's not happy that theres a riff between you and him. See if you can get him to open up maybe thru writing if not talking. Hope you can figure something out for both of your sake.

Make him earn screen time by being out and about (and not being a spoil sport about it).
If he never goes out or only goes out with a huge chip on his shoulder, I hope he likes to read because tv/computer/video games/cellphone/etc is not going to be on his list of things to do.

Additional:
There's no reason he can't take a book with him where ever he goes.
When he gets to a point on an outing where he's scowling, he can get out his book and read.

I absolutely cannot relate to your son at all. i like some downtime now and then (don't we all) but I am much happier on the go. If I stay home for too long, I go crazy! I start looking for any excuse to leave the house, even if it's just going to the grocery store.

My oldest is just like me. My youngest on the other hand ... well, my oldest and I might have to adjust our "on-the-go" ways to accommodate little brother's "homebody" nature. This is just a foreign concept to me. I mean, what's so great about sitting inside the house when there are places we could go?

He really just could be a homebody. I've had friends over the years who were perfectly content staying home, watching a movie or reading a book or cleaning or whatever.

I know others have mentioned social anxiety, and it's probably worth at least reading about it or mentioning it to his pediatrician to see if he fits the profile. But I'd be more inclined to think it's just his personality. I think you are right to want to find some middle ground. His desire to be at home cannot dictate your whole summer. So I think I'd be considering making a deal with him - a contract of sorts. He does need to get out and see people a bit. He also needs some physical activity (trampoline is good but he could probably use more). He might need you to talk about how much time each week or each day he needs to spend on outings.

I would actually consider trying to not engage him about it. Let him know ahead of time when he needs to be ready to go. (Will you need a consequence if he's not ready or cooperative?) Maybe give him a 15 minutes "heads up" and that's it. I would try to avoid counting or coaxing or reminding him about how much fun he had another time. My concern is that you might be feeding in to his drama. If you're leaving at 1:00, let him know in the morning, remind him at 12:45 and expect him to be ready to walk out the door at 1:00. I would approach the sulking the same way. Let him know that the sulking is not acceptable and that the consequence for sulking will be 30 minutes less screen time the next day. You could try a reward system instead. Maybe reward him for being ready to go on time and reward him for having a good attitude. It's kind of hit or miss which one my boys respond to the best, but I use both methods at different times.

Good luck!!! I'll try to remember all the great ideas you've gotten when I have to deal with my little homebody :-)

My 9 year old chose to stay home from Water Country USA and Busch Gardens last weekend - what?!?! I would never....but he is much more like his dad than me. He stayed home with my husband (dad) who hurt his back, so he wasn't coming anyways.

Yesterday I had to have him come to my office for lunch because he didn't want to go to the pool, after an hour of being bored - he went (fortunately right next door to my office).

Today the sitter wanted to take them to a local museum...both of my boys didn't want to go. Ugh...I don't get it.

For me, it works to tell them the plans in advance. And if they need a day at home, we do it...it's okay sometimes. I just don't want them at home all the time. So my 11 year old daughter came up with a weekly schedule for them and sent me a picture...each kid gets a day to pick what they do and it rotates, they have to participate (at least go) and no arguing. We'll see if it works.

But maybe try giving him a heads up? If he's 10 can he stay home alone for a few hours?

ETA

Kids at this age can be starting to change, their bodies are going through the beginning stages of adolescence. I worked for a professor of nursing for several years as her nanny. She had me give the kids either half or a whole Midol at times when they were acting like cranky teenagers. It really helped. Read the directions of course but from what I can remember it had a diuretic, a muscle relaxer of some sort, and Tylenol. It's been 15 years so I'm not sure. But the meds work together to help with PMS and the kids this age are sort of going through that but it can last for years before their body gets through that stage.
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Turn it around. He earns electronic time by doing stuff. I would not take it away 100% of the time then give half an hour for cleaning his room, that's not what I mean.

Perhaps he can have an hour per day free time to do what ever electronic thing he wants. Then after that he has to go do chores, help someone (service not pay), read for half an hour, go run errands with you (without complaining is the goal not the absolute rule), and any other thing you can find to put on a chart.

Then if he does anything on that chart he gets that approved time he earned that day. It's like a paycheck, it can't be taken back. Take his time away after he's earned it and this whole program is no longer available. He will know it's not real. Earning something makes it yours and not anything that can be revoked.

I'd say 15 minutes for cleaning earns 10 minutes. But my kiddo's are slobs....lol. It's up to you to see how many things he can work off and earn time with. It's also, to you it seems, that he gets up and goes when you say it's time to go so maybe that might earn him more than other stuff.

Introverted? Frustrating but just his temperament.

compromise. Most of the examples you gave are for outings that take several hours, except the grocery store and many of us can't get their kids to look forward to that. I know it is a pain in the butt to plan and go out for only an hour but it is a compromise. If he knows in advance that the family is going to the pool from 1 to 2 pm for example he may actually enjoy himself.

Perhaps he has social anxiety?
I did notice, however, that he gets a response from you. Perhaps he is trying to get attention and wants you to plead with him to engage. Maybe it's a power play.
My advice? Pull the plug. If it's becoming that big of a obstacle between him and functioning in society- it's gotta go.
Best of luck!