Child's Participation in Mother's Funeral

Wow, that is some heavy duty tragedy. My heart goes out to you and the family.

In my opinion, I'd want my daughter at a memorial or funeral for me. I think children bring a source of light and renewal to somber events, and that they remind us, in good ways, of the people who have passed on. I think having a child at a funeral can be healing, and become a celebration of a life, even during mourning.

Also, I think that if a child is kept away from the funeral or the information about a death is somehow not open, they will resent it later. I grew up with a friend whose father had remarried after her mother died and she was told she had a new mother, no one really explained what happened and why she would every possibly "need" a new mother as a tiny child. She still remembered the gist of what they told her, "old mother is gone, but now you have a new mommy who loves you very much", and only learned that her mother had actually passed away when she was a much older child. Her family didn't realize how abandoned she had felt or what memories were etched into her psyche. In my opinion, most kids do feel abandoned after a parent dies, to some degree, so it's helpful to say "goodbye" no matter how old they are. My friend was sent to a friend's or neighbor's home for the funerary services and just remembers the day that everyone left the house wearing black.

Hi L.,
My mother just died on April 3rd. We had an open viewing and I allowed my seven year old to see his grandmother. He mostly stayed away but would frequently come and take a peak. If he saw me cry he would run up and give me support. At the burial he was blowing bubbles for my mother. Running across the field and than joining us on his will. I was mostly worried about my brother's response to seeing my mother again, luckily she had a peaceful look when she died and this remained for the viewing. I realize it wasn't my son viewing me but children have a way of responding to death unlike adults. They heal quickly and don't think of the aftermath. I think she should be allowed to see her mom for the last time. We placed some of my kids favorite Beenie Babies and our personal items in the caskets during the first viewing. I then asked my son if he wanted to blow bubbles at grandma's burial and told him that she might catch a ride to heaven in one of those bubbles.

My heart goes out to you my sons lost thier father at an early age and counceling helped a lot. I agree with not having a child see thier deceased parent in a box. I did not allow my sons to see thier father but they were part of the memorial we had later. They went to dads favorite spot and tossed White Lillies in the lake. That helped all of us and they felt part of the final goodbyes to dad.

I most recently had a roll over accident and I think my sons and I had the biggest reality check in our lives. I am all they have they are all I have and we are a very strong family. My prayers for dad and his little daughter and you are a wonderful friend.

Good luck.

My Child was that age when a favorite grandma died. She spent her time dancing in the aisles, singing and at the cemetary running to catch butterflies during the service. She at one point looked inside the casket, then saw some butterflies and went running off. I was nice to see the circle of life evolve in front of us.
The fact of the matter is-she won't remember.

I just lost my sister in February. She is 34 years old. She has 4 children ages 15,14,10,and 7. She was also killed in a car accident, and they had open casket. Her kids did really well with it. Of course it was hard for everyone as well as it will be for you and everyone. When it is so unexpected.
I also lost my mother almost 9 years ago and my daughter was 3 and very close to her. I took her to the funeral open casket again and she thought Nana was sleeping.
I think it is important for closure.
Back to my sister she didnt look so much like herself either.
Im not sure if this will help you but when I read this I really felt like I could relate. I am very sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. My mother's mother passed away when she was only 4 from food poisioning. She was made to look in the casket out of respect. Till this day, she cannot remember her mother alive. She can only remember her in the casket. I think her other memories were wiped away because she was traumatized by seeing her mother in the casket. Each child is different on how they may deal with a funeral.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. Children of 3 1/2 years of age don't have the cognitive abilities to begin to understand death, more or less an open casket of a primary caregiver who looks completely different, or a burial. As adults, we tend to have strong reactions to death, open caskets and funerals. What this child would benefit from remembering are the photos of her mother, family stories, etc...a burial with the tears and the intense energy, not to mention an open casket may only create anxiety and confusion in a child. Also, not forgetting the trauma the child has undergone by being in this accident. Children pick up on everything and generally don't forget, especially traumatic events. My suggestion would be if she needs to be at the funeral to have her occupied with her favorite things in a room and someone care for her until after the services, including the burial. My prayers are with you.

L., I am so disheartened to learn of the death of your friend. What a tragedy. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. While I have never dealt with a situation such as this personally, I tend to agree with you regarding the child's attendance at the open casket. I just don't think it would be a good idea for both the reasons that you outlined. However, if it were me, I would want the child to at least attend the burial. I would find that much less scary to the child than the open casket. She may not understand why she's there, but I think it would be important for her to be there.

Hi L.,
I am so sorry to hear about your dear friend. I was 2 yrs old when my little brother died. Although I don't remember the event clearly I do remember certain th. I personally am greatful that I was there to be part of the grieving process with my parents. I remember that it was really sad for my family and as long as somethere can explain this to the child in a very simple way I think she will be greatful thru out her life.

This one is SO hard. I am so sorry. I can't offer any specific advice, but here are my two experiences:

My brother died when I was 5, and not only did I not know beforehand that he was going to die but I never saw him in the hospital, and didn't get to say goodbye in any way -- I didn't even know until a few months ago that there had been a funeral for him, and it's 45 years later. My mother also never talked about him afterward. I blamed myself for his death and have a huge hole from not being able to say goodbye. So from that experience I can say that a human needs to say goodbye in some way, not just have someone yanked out of their life. (I also have a visceral fear of my children 'disappearing', which make s it very hard for me to let them do anything alone, even as older teens.)
My husband, on the other hand, lost his mother at 13 and was traumatized by the funeral and felt sick to his stomach at the service and had to run out of there. He is phobic about crosses and churches to this day.
So there is no "right" way. All I can say is she needs to say goodbye, but I can't even imagine a 3-1/2 year old seeing her dead mother in a coffin and then having her lowered into the ground -- sounds like the stuff of nightmares. Hope you get good advice on this one. My condolences.