Child Issues

Hi A.,
I just want to let you know that you are definately not alone. My son is only 5 months old so I don't know truly what you are going through, but my parents and I have been dealing with a similar situation with my brother. It has affected our whole family and has made our family life full of tension and continous arguments over what should be done. Anyway my brother seems to since 17 always attract the girls with very low self esteem and very tough home lives with obvious mental problems. I know it is not totally the girls fault. Needless to say its gone from girl to girl with his life spiraling more and more out of control and each girl tearing a bigger hole in his self esteem and heart. He's drank himself near death and done every drug in the book. The most recent issue we are dealing with is that he got a 19 girl pregnant and now has a son and no job no value in life and a very huge anger problem. I'm not really sure how to help your son because I'm not really sure what can be done to help my brother. I do know that you can't help someone who doesn't want to help or change for themselves. My brothers issue is that he doesn't see anything wrong with his life and the fact that my parents do everything for him only to be crapped on time after time. They even pay all of his bills and his child support because he will not keep a job or look for a job and they don't want to see his son suffer and be denied visits from their grandson. And they tried kicking him out before which only ended in him coming home after he got a girl pregnant and had no money, food, clothes, or any clue as to where his life would be going the next day. I will say to please make sure that your son knows you love him and that no matter what he is doing now you know he loves you and will one day realize the error of his way. That's pretty much the only thing I can hold to. My brother will one day realize how much his family has done for him and how much he always chose girlfriends and friends over his family. My sister is twelve and has also been affected by this situation greatly. She hates all the arguing and only wants to love her brother who does nothing but cuss, hit and act like he hates her. Unfortunately for us I don't think there is much that we can do but love them and hope that one day things will change. Anyway I know this probably isn't much help. I do agree that asking your son to leave is best for the rest of your family. Good luck and I hope things get better soon.

1st off is he still living with you? If yes, then I would let him know you will not allow him to disrespect you in YOUR home and I would give him an ultimatium. Shape up or ship out!
He is 18 years old and needs to know you will not accept this behavior. His behavior is effecting your 9 year old and your entire family it sounds like. Sometimes you have to take the TOUGH LOVE approach. I've been there, done that, and my 22 year old son knows I will not allow his antics in my home. He can do what he wants in his own home, but not around me or his younger siblings. Everyone here has some good advice for you so know you are not alone.

Don't be quick to blame the girl. It seems that you may not be happy that he's dating her BUT it doesn't mean that it's her fault. Remember your son is the one actin up not her. Maybe you should think about sitting him down and talking to him. Have a family conversation, include everyone. Goof Luck!! I hope it works out for you.

Hi A.,

In my opinion you could speak with your 18 yr. old and explain to him that the way this young "lady?" behaves is not how a lady should and that maybe he should be looking for someone new. Your son should NEVER allow his girlfriends to disrespect his mom. You should also make him aware that what your 9 yr. old witnesses now is scaring him and will affect how he views women in general, Again IMO if this were my son and he couldn't/wouldn't change the situation then i would tell him that he needs to live outside of my home.B.

It sounds like this girl needs to be removed from his life, however that might be hard to do with an 18 year old since technically he is an adult by the government standards. I would continue to send him to therapy, however there is going to come a day, when you are going to have to think about the rest of the family and what this is doing to them and make a huge decision. You may need to sit him down and explain that you and your husband are willing to help him in whatever way needed, but that if he wants to continue to receive that support he needs to remove that girl from his life. If not then he needs to look for alternant living arrangements. That would definitely be a hard decision and I wouldn't wish having to make it on anyone, but you may need to do it to get through to him that he cannot do whatever he wants to do and get away with it. If he wants to act that way he needs to take responsibility for his actions. I wish you the best and hope that everything works out to the best. Also it might be a good idea for you to talk to the therapist and see what they recommend after talking with him.

Hi A.,

Sounds like your son may be pushing the limits of his independence. When we were that age and did things my parents didn't like, they sat us down and asked what was going on (without the brothers and sisters around) and then they listened and asked open ended questions. before we were finished, they always reminded us that at our house we lived by the golden rule -- "He who has the gold, rules!" Your son is 18 but if he's still living in your home, he can be required to live by the rules of the house. If he wants to do what he wants, the way he wants, when he wants, he needs to support himself. Also, could he have started dabbling in drugs or alcohol? They can also cause big changes in behavior. Just some suggestions, hope things calm down soon. Good luck!!

Hi A.,

First of all, let me say, your not alone. Your son is 18, and when we all get that age we know we are "legally" an adult. That doesn't mean we can handle what comes with it. Take your son out and talk to him. Ask him why is he showing you disrespect in "your" home. Listen, don't interupt no matter what you think. Once he finishes you tell him what you think about his girlfriend and your concerns. Of course he will be defensive, but explain about his changes toward you. If all else fails comes the toughest thing you may want to consider. He is 18, all you can do is ADVISE him, but he is going to do what he wants good, bad, and indifferent. So you are going to have to decide is this what you want in your home. You will always love and support (emotionally, hopefully not financially) him. Emphasize that point and if the situation doen't improve than he may need to consider living on his own. Sometimes the young has to live the hard life, instead of the good. We as parents want to sheltered our kids from the bad, but that isn't realistic. Just let him know if he can't respect your home than he can't stay there. Again I know this is harsh, all I can say is hopefully, you have to trust that as a parent you did right by him and the reality of life will take over and his judgement will be knock into place. If not, than just love him but let him go and be there when he falls, and he will fall. I don't know if you agree, but as a mom myself, of a 17 year old, I have to except what decisions my son will make. It not easy, but trust has to be establish. Good luck and reinforce to your younger son that he has done nothing to influence his older brother's behavior. It is always hard for the younger siblings to see things they don't understand. Be strong, and this will pass. He is just going through the adolescent transformation. Keep talking to him, don't close the lines of communication. Take care.

hi A.,
let me say being the mother of a 16 yr old girl i can feel for u .. what i do with her when she starts showing her tail is sit her down and talk to her.. i ask her "ok, what's the deal ? why u wonna be disrespecting me in this way and do u think it is good for ur lil brother and sisters to see u doing this and are u not thinking about what they see u do they will try to do as well ..." she usually sees things my way but most of the time i think it takes them actting like she has to open her eyes up .. see she lived with daddy for most of her life and had no rulse at all and now she has rules and i do exspect things of her unlike him.. anyway back on the topic .. lol.. i sit her down and talk to her tellin her this is what is exspected of u and this how it is going to be it don't matter to me if u like it or not but as long as i pay the bills u will do as i say and get over it .. i even take things away from her .. yes i take things away .. see she just got a laptop and a new b/f and well she has lost em both for a week or so already and it sure did work well ...lol..
well i hope this helps in some way ..
god bless and take care ..
p.s. u can email me if u'd like
____@____.com

HI A.,LET ME START OF BY SAYING I ALWAYS TYPE IN ALL CAPS.SO I'M NOT TRING TO BE PUSHY OR YELL. BUT AS YOU SAID YOUR OLDEST SON IS 18 AND LEGALLY HE IS AN ADULT AND IF HE WOULD LIKE TO CONTINUE SEE THIS GIRL AND "JUMPING IN YOUR FACE" (WHICH FOR THE RECORD I PERSONALLY WOULD KNOCK HIM ON HIS BUTT BUT EVERYONE'S DIFFERENT)LOL!!I'D TELL HIM THAT HE COULD STAY AWAY FROM THE FAMILY CAUSE HE IS CAUSE IRREVESSIBLE DAMAGE TO YOUR YOUNGER SON AND THAT ISN'T FAIR FOR HIM TO GROW UP IN A SITUATION LIKE THAT THIS WHEN YOU GAVE YOUR OLDER SON ALL THE LOVE AND ATTENTION THAT HE NEEDED TO GROW UP RIGHT AND NOT HE'S JUST RUINING THINGS FOR HIS LITTLE BROTHER!!WELL, I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK!!MAY GOD RICHLY BLESS YOU AND YOURS!MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Just a suggestion. Try to sit down with his girlfriend. invite her to lunch just you two. if you can befriend her and talk to her about some things you have concern for maybe she would be willing to work with you and your son in changing his attitude. Your son sinces your hostility towards his relationship with her and its just going to push him closer to her.The other point of views below will not get your son back. IF you care about him and want him to be apart of your life work with him.

I don't have any children that age and I don't usually like to give advice on things I have not experience, but I can remember a similar situation growing up in my home. Perhaps this will be even more helpful from a child's stand point. When my brother was about 16, I was 11. He started hanging out with the wrong crowd and having girlfriends, etc,etc. My mother wasn't too h*** o* him, but it showed how upset she was emotionally all the time. Everything, from my memories, seemed to be so unstable around that time. A lot of yelling went on, calling the cops, disagreements all the time, and the list goes on. My brother was very disrespectful. I think they pushed him away by getting angry all the time and they kept threatening to make him move in with my father. Our real father. He finally did, and then they were upset about it. As a result, I later was very disrespectful to my mother and treated her bad all the time. I'm 25 now and think I turned out well, but it was a rough road for my parents. I think you need to have a stable enviroment for your nine year old especially, and let them know whos boss. Stick to your guns, but make sure you keep your lines of communication open. Don't be cold or repromand them. I think it's best to talk about things, even punishment. Do not yell. That doesn't go well in the mind of a 18 year old or anyone for that matter. It makes them more angry. Be firm and let him know that this behavior will not be tolerated in your home. Take privelages away. If he's living in your home, regardless of age, it's your rules. I don't know if this is any help, but I hope so. Just remember, teenagers as I'm sure you already know, always tend to have an attitude. They might not respond your open lines of communication well, but to know that you understand what they're going through will always help. It would have helped me.