Change of Plans Again

If you are leery of your 11 year old watching this movie, what CAN he watch? Movies for 5 year olds? He is 11, and you're worried about Frakenweenie? It's a KID'S movie, and your son is nearly a teenager!

Saying "no" if you want to, should never be a big deal. No one can force you to say "yes." How do you know he needed to stand up for himself? After knowing he could see it, maybe he was excited. She can't put you in a position to HAVE to say yes, only you can decide to say yes. You are blaming her, for your choice.

At age 11 I would have only had a problem if the movie in question was PG13, or higher. PG is really tame IMO (and my kids have been watching Tim Burton movies since they were in preschool.)
And she DID let you know, so at least you can go to commonsensemedia.org, read the review, and talk to your son about it when he gets home.
It's kind of like, well, we decided to go out for ice cream, you know? Like maybe you don't like giving your kids sugar late at night, but it's a play date, and it's fun and spontaneous, so just let it slide. I'm pretty sure your son is having a blast and is just fine :)

I don't understand why this movie is nudging at your boundaries. Unless it is the theme? But, it is based in science gone haywire - not supernatural.

Anyhoo, While we have not seen it yet - actually plan on it for next weekend - I looked up a little about the movie, and I think in terms of cinematography it is really cool. Stop motion black and white with all the "actors" being hand crafted mechanical puppets. From Wikipedia - "The mechanics are small and delicate, and in some instances they had to have Swiss watchmakers create the tiny nuts and bolts. Around 200 separate puppets were used, with roughly 18 different versions of Victor. The puppets also have human hair, with 40–45 joints for the human characters and about 300 parts for Sparky"

I think that is just cool. So, maybe to ease you discomfort with the movie, focus on the mechanical aspects of the production when talking to your son about it. Eh, just a thought - we are production style freaks in my house.

Anyhoo, as for the Mom announcing changes in plans at the last minute, you are going to just have to say "No" the next time she does that when it is out of your comfort zone. Or, talk to her before the next visit and let her know that you are not comfortable and feel backed into a corner when she does that.

I am the spur of the moment mom when my son has friends over - "that" mom who would quick decide to go to a movie, the park, the pizza joint, the beach - But, if I knew that one of the boys Moms was not comfortable with the quick change in plans I restrained myself. Sometimes the boys would tell me that their Mom didn't want them to go anywhere other than what was planned, sometimes the Mom told me upfront.

So talk to the other Mom.

Hugs

What does the kid being spoiled and the mom being annoying have to do with your kid seeing a movie in a spontaneous fashion? Isn't that what happens on weekends? How was it a change in plans? I don't get it.

I think it's great that your son has friends whose moms are willing to take them to the movies & want them to have fun. It's okay not to have things planned to a "T". It was Saturday and it was a movie after pizza. Sounds pretty natural, if you ask me! Be grateful & let it go. I think you're overreacting.

It sounds like you don't care for the family and are looking for things to find wrong with them, or things to get upset about it. I'm not sure what the "standing up for yourself" business is about. Save that for the bullies.

The mom is sneaky? Oh goodness.

It may be possible that the mom had no intentions of going to the movie, but the kids were sitting around the table talking about it, her child asked and she figured "why not?".

She called and let you know that plans changed. If she is such a horrible person why did she take the time to let you know that plans had changed and she was taking the kids to the movies. Did you know every single minute that was going to go on once they got back to the house? Did you know every single movie or tv show they were going to watch while at her house?

I mean honestly! If you couldn't have trusted her to keep the best interest of your child, then your child should have never been over there. Either you trust the person or you don't.

okay - what are you upset about?

That she took your kid(s) to a movie and TOLD you what she was doing instead of ASKING if it would be okay?

I'm not sure why Franken Weenie is a problem. It is PG - not even PG 13.

If I had a friend who called me and said this - I would ask to speak to my child and ask them if they want to go. He's 11 - he can make his mind up on that one.

If you don't like the mom and she drives you crazy and you think the boys are spoiled, maybe you need to end the relationship so you don't feel like you need to be put in an awkward position.

As to your question if I've been the other mom? No. I don't TELL my friends what I want to with their kids. I ASK.

With my grandchildren we often decide to do things at the last minute. The same happens when they're with their friends. One child suggests wanting to see a movie and the rest get excited. I would not assume that she had purposely left it to the last minute to tell you.

I also suggest that seeing a movie that you're not sure about will not do serious harm. Even tho he hasn't asked to see it he may still find the movie fun. I see this as a matter of learning to be more flexible than of standing up for yourself. Life just doesn't have to be planned down to the last hour. Your son is reaching the age when he and his friends are going to be making last minute plans based on what is happening at the moment.

Aaaw, don't worry Mom, he'll be fine and have a BLAST.

I DO know how you feel, I don't like surprises either, but what a nice thing for him at his age to go to a movie with his buds. And you didn't have to take them! Bonus!

I like it that she called you. That's pretty cool.

:)

I haven't heard anything to think that movie is inappropriate for an 11 year old. In terms of that, he'll probably be fine. But I have been in a situation several times in the past few months where I allowed my child to go to a party or a sleepover, only to discover after she was there that the mom was driving all the kids to the public swimming pool (not our pool, a different one)! It was not in the invitation and none of the guests' families knew! Fortunately, my daughter is a great swimmer, so I wasn't particularly worried, although she's very small for her age and was riding without her car seat in the car of a woman I don't know well to be supervised I have no idea how at a pool I've never been to. I have a problem with that. And the only reason I found out was because I had told my daughter if she was ever at a friends house she was not allowed to leave that house without my knowing. The mom called me because she was crying that she wasn't allowed to go. Embarrassed I explained what I had told her and no, I wasn't going to spoil her daughter's birthday by forcing the whole group to stay home because of my own concerns about my daughter's participation. So yes, I was sort of forced into it in a way. If I was truly concerned over it, I would have said let me come get her or I'll drive her up and stay with her. But that would have mortified her, and I wasn't quite that concerned. But I feel you!

About a month or two later, a similar situation occurred where she went to a sleepover and they left the house for ice cream. At first, again, I thought of her riding in someone else's car without my being asked. But then they walked to it, so it wasn't that big a deal.

I have a real problem with my child being in someone else's car without my knowledge, and I was pretty floored that the woman who threw the pool party didn't ask any parents if it was okay and didn't even let us know it was happening.

I think you are over reaching on this one. She called to let you know that she was taking them to the movie. Sometimes we as a family will do things spur of the moment. No huge plan was required.

I believe you are a planner and don't like things to deviate from that.

I just really don't see a problem and I think it was nice, but unecessary that she told you. I personally don't let my kids go to anyone's house that I don't trust to drive them somewhere if needed or make a decision about food or entertainment, considering that it's a party or playdate where I am more relaxed about what they eat or how late they go to bed because it is part of having fun. I think there are some control issues going on and some animosity toward the friend or his mother because I don't see why you needed to mention that the friend is a "handful" and "spoiled" for this situation. Also, as others have said, if your son really felt he shouldn't see it, he could have asked to go home. I am sure seeing it with a group of friends is a different situation than just asking to go. My kids and their friends have always felt comfortable saying "I am not allowed to watch that show" or "I can't watch (a certain movie)." No big deal. Phone calls have even been made if there is uncertainty. Maybe that's why you got a phone call.

I don't think the particular movie was the problem so much that she sprung it on you when there was no time to re-plan or refuse.
I would feel like she pulled one over on me.
Let me let you in on a secret.
Not every parent is your friend when it comes to your kid.
Up through elementary school we kind of think ALL parents we come across have the best interests of the kids at heart.
But then all of a sudden the kids get older and some parents have some ideas that don't wash with me.
Some will tell you they let kids drink alcohol at home because they feel it's safer then them sneaking it.
Some will feel sex/risky behavior is ok, etc.
This Mom friend of yours - I'd keep my eye on her - she's sneaky - and I don't like sneaky.
Why is it sneaky?
Because she's teaching the kids it's ok to plan one thing then go out and do another.
There's many a parent here who'd be livid if a teen said they were spending a night at a friends house and then went off to a concert.
This is where it starts.
And I'd start getting my child involved in activities where there is less time to spend with her and her child.
You only have so much time to control the peer group.
I'd steer away from potential trouble.

I have been on both sides. I finally got texting on the phone
so I can shoot a quick text. "We are stopping for yogurt."

Believe it or not, a M. got MAD at me for letting her girl have frozen yogurt twice and asked me to only give her snacks an hour and a half after school. When I had asked her preferences before, she insisted anything was fine.

I don't like it when parents are not honest about who is coming over. I don't like it when a parent tries to pursuade me to allow my child/force my child to do something. I asked my child about a movie, she told me no and I picked her up early. The M. tried to MAKE us go. I was firm and snappy but I will try to smile next time I enforce a boundary.

Saying no is never "not a big deal". My brother in law offered to take my older boy to see Batman. My son said he didn't want to go. That was his answer and so I told them no. If you son really doesn't want to see it, I hope he would say no as well. Most likely, he just doesn't care. That's not the same as him being coerced into something he didn't want to do.

As for you, if you are uncomfortable, just tell the mom so. I also hope every mom understand that different parents have different boundaries for their kids. But deciding to go to the movies after dinner when it wasn't originally planned is hardly something I'd worry about.

Maybe I'm that other mom. I make plans out of the blue (Hey kids, want to go eat sushi tonight? Chuck e Cheese? Movie night!) Yeah, I go with the flow. She called you to let you know and if I called a parent and they said, "oh... I don't know" then I wouldn't go. No harm done, we can do lots of other stuff. To me, I'd feel like you are making something out of nothing so I'd be the other mom thinking... "wow, your mom is uptight."

I'm not saying this in a mean way, just giving you the other side of the coin and maybe my situation is not the same and there are other parts of your story that make it a big deal. I don't know that and that's for you to take into account. If you feel she's pressuring you into something you are so uncomfortable, you are right that this is a lesson in standing up for youself. Always stand up for yourself.

So you didn't want your 11 year old to go to an 8 o'clock PG (not PG13) movie because it wasn't planned early enough ahead of time? I'm lost as to what the problem is. You had better lighten up a bit because your boy will likely not be a huge planner as a teen, few of them are, and when you are too rigid for seemingly no reason you lose 'em. He will get to an age when you just won't get to hear what's going on in his life because you judge or freak out or try to control too much.

He's 11, on the cusp of being a big kid, let his life unfold in unexpected ways once in a while. Try to remember what it was like to be a kid.

Saw Frankenwienie yesterday with my 10 year old and some friends. Super cute, classic Tim Burton fun, a little creepy, very creative and a great message. What's not to like? PS: it is NOT a horror movie!

I guess I am the other mom. From time to time we will spontaneously do something fun with friends, like catch a movie. It would never even have occured to me that a parent would find any kids movie inappropriate for an 11 year old. I would make sure that my 11 year old is comfortable voicing his opinion. My 10 year old would not have a problem telling the mom if he did not want to see the movie. I know that if I were to take the kids to a movie I ask them first if they want to see it. Today my seven year old had two friends over, and they both had no problem telling me that they didn't want to see the DVD's I was recommending for them to watch. We must have gone through a dozen titles before they were able to agree on one.

I can see your point and I think it's bc it sounds like she does this often. There are moms like that and I have to tell myself to take the good with the bad or not let my kids be friends with theirs anymore. And so far, no mom has made me force one of my kids to end a friendship. So it's be annoyed and then move on... I think it's part of being a mom unfortunately.

Sounds like the other mom is the one whose doing the driving around with the kids...and doing NO harm to your son.

If you want to be in charge, let her know. I'm sure she'll be happy for the break.

If you did not want him to go you should have spoken up. If he did not want to go he should have sopoken up. I am sure he has a nice evening out. Not sure where the problem is.

I have been the other mom, Lilly, and I've said no. I didn't allow my kids to go to horror movies when they were little. One of my sons could barely deal with Lilo and Stitch when it first came out. He shook in his seat when the little girl was being terrible for her sister and they threatened to take her away. I know your son is eleven, but I knew my kids' limitations and I only started sending them to movies as they could "deal". I'm mom and I know what they can and can't deal with.

If you really felt that you couldn't say no, then there is an imbalance in your friendship, and I think it is important for you to address it. If you don't, you're going to have more of the same if you allow your son to go anywhere with this woman.

Good luck,
Dawn

I totally get what you're saying! I would have been VERY upset with this mom. First I would have asked what it's rated, then I would have said: let me talk to my son. If he wanted to go to the movie then I would have said ok; BUT if he didn't want to go, then I would have told the mom I'll come pick up my son. I would have been very firm with her. But then, I would have been very firm with her way before this point. (AND if he didn't want to go but felt embarrassed in any way about telling his friends, I would have just told him to put the blame on me!! I'm not sure I would have let him see a PG-13 movie anyways!!)

I ALWAYS check with the parents about the plans BEFORE anyone goes anywhere! Yes, I know things happen and plans get changed, but for the most part, plans are in concrete before my kids go anywhere and vice versa!!

I've had this happen to me as well, and sometimes I cave, sometimes I don't. Depends on the situation. If it's something I feel strongly about then I stand my ground - my kids will get over it!!!

Good luck!!