Caught in a War Between My Husband and 17 Year Old Daughter....HELP!!

If she is truly trying and sorry for (whatever actions that made her step father so mad) It seems you could tell him you know it is hard to forgive, and if she was acting the same, you'd understand more, but if he expects people to forgive him, then maybe he should try to forgive. THis is a very hard thing to give any advice on. A councelor may help or be what is needed.

T.,

I also read your previous posting. Your poor daughter needs lots of love and stability. She has been through so much. I would think the entire family should go to counseling. If I were in this situation I would take my daughter back and cherish the little time left with her. She is almost grown and once she is out on her own, she may never come back. Your husband needs to be more understanding of what she has gone through. My prayers are with you and your family.

There is no easy answer for your problem. You have a daughter that needs you to teach her how to be a woman. You are in covenant with your husband...remember those words you said before GOD...for better or worse, well, right now you have worse! ...'till death you do part. If leaving before then, it's abandonment - covenants are not "broken". Your family needs counseling with someone who can introduce you to another lifestyle. Until then, pray scripture over your husband and daughter. Start with Ephesians & Philippians by placing their names inside the verse and don't forget to be faithful in attending church and attending to your own daily devotions to God ----and seek a counselor!

Your daughter needs you to protect her. Be the mom you weren't when you shipped her off to live with her father and grandmother, etc. You chose to marry this man, your daughter had no say in the matter. TAKE CARE OF HER!!! I can't imagine what the four year old is feeling at this time. So sad. Step up to the plate and take care of your children. Stop making excuses about your lame husband. One more thing: you titled your post "Caught in a war..." you should have headed this off at the first signs that your husband was not respectful of your daughter (or you for that matter). You are not the victim here.

PRAYER, PRAYER, PRAYER!!! Pray that your husband's heart be softened to your daughter so that he can see that she is truly changed. There could be some jealousy there and he's angry that someone else is taking away your attention. Men's egos are fragile under that tough guy image. Try and validate him with extra attention (not just the bedroom attention) - as a councelor told me once - men have the superman emblem on their chest and it needs to be stroked every once in a while. But the main thing is pray continually for him. I am new to using God's words in prayers, but I have found that when I use His language to Him, my prayers seem to have more impact. I don't know a verse specific - but the one I have been praying most recently (for my husband) is Ezekial 36:26 - 'I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh'. There has been a definite change in my husband since I started praying this pray of God's own words back to Him.

God Bless You all!

This is not a war first of all your daughter is your flesh and blood he came along long after that child came into the world. He needs to get his self together and he needs to leave if he cant support you and your daughters realtionship. You are right he is acting like a child what would he do if you chose to throw all the things he has done in his face daily just to remind him he is not a saint I bet that would get his attention. Your daughter needs you more than ever right now I bet she feels rejected and lost by the way her father as treated her and now from her step dad. Kids make mistakes but that is what we are here for to lead them and guide them down the right path. If you love you child the way you say you do. Its time to sit down and ask yourself some questions about how serious your realationship is with your husband and then your child. Pray about it, God will lead you to a great decision he is all you need to get you where you are headed. Your child is forever you can find another husband one that will accept you and your child and all the good and the bad that comes with it. Stay blessed and always keep God first.

Blood is thicker then water.....

She is yuor daughter. He needs to understand that.I would NEVER EVER allow anyone to tell me child can not come home and live there. No matter what ttheir age is.If my daughter was 65 she could live with me. As a matter of fact My daughter is 25 and has a 3 yr, old little girl. And i DARE my husband to pitch a fit about it. I really enjoy them her. Tell your husband to give your daughter a chance . And have them both be civilized to each other. I hope you can work it out.

T. -
I have to agree with the need for counseling and church. Your family needs to be taught about the give and take of healthy relationships. Marriage, family and friendships have ups and downs and you don't get to run away when things don't go your way. Deal with the situation. You are a family now whether by choice or not.

You can continue the cycle of bad choices or actually teach your daughters and yourself what it is to be loved and not just being the best thing until something better comes along. Learn from your past relationships and find a good male role model for your daughters or you will see the cycle continue with your daughters and grandchildren.

Everyone wants to be selfish at some point, but in healthy relationships everyone sacrafices for the good of others. Communication is the key. Teenagers are going to push the limits of any situation especially when they are not secure in their relationship with adults. Your reactions and support are what teach them about relationships. And children should always know they can come home. Please lead by example and remind your husband he committed to a relationship to you and your daughters. Appears to me he has run away from you (cheating) and now your daughter (not forgiving). If nothing else, teach your daughters how to make good decisions. They will run to a man to find what they did not find at home. And they will think that sex is love. Talk to your daughters about what a healthy relationship looks and feels like. You will learn alot about yourself.

Please do remember the good times. If you have photos, pull them out and talk about the happy times.

Don't miss this second chance for your relationship with your daughter.

Best of everything for you and your family. I truly hope to read that life is grand for you.

I think you need to do just that, get out. Why are you putting up with him treating you and your child this way?

Pardon my french, but he sounds like a royal a$$. You've already forgiven him for cheating several times. This guy should be counting his blessings that you even ALLOW him to still be present in that house much less still be married to you. He needs a good a$$ whipping if you ask me. I'm not big enough to do it though! You talked about getting an apartment, I say get it for you, the 17 yr old & the 4 yr old. Then I would start praying like a maniac & get everyone in counseling. You & those kids are gonna need every bit of help that you can get. God knows what you need & makes sure that things have a way of working out. Maybe your husband will shape up once you leave & then want to be better husband to you AND father to both of your children. If he doesn't, then good riddance.

I'm sorry that you are going thru this. It makes me mad to see people act this way. When he married you, he married your whole family. He knew you had a daughter and he accepted her when he accepted you. If he has second thoughts, maybe you should too. Your daughter's well-being is more important than the fights you have to have with your husband about her. Your daughter was her first; she is truly a part of you and you cannot abandon her. Maybe you should seek counseling. If your husband will not participate, go with your daughter. Show her how important she is to you. If your husband truly values his marriage to you, he should try to help in a positive way. He sounds selfish and controlling. Is your 4 year-old child his biological child? And if his child were to act like this later in life, will he treat him/her that same way? I doubt it. I hope you can get though to him because none of us want our kids living on the street or with people with bad influences. That will only make it worse. Maybe she can get a job and help pay for her own things to learn some responsibility. If he sees she is trying, maybe he will change his mind.

Your husband was aware of the fact that you had a daughter when you two got married. And in a few years you will have another teenager on your hands. What will he do when his own child starts having problems. Is he going to tell them he wants nothing to do with them or will he be supportive? She is your daughter and needs her mother. I would suggest counseling with the family. Putting your daughter in an apartment might make her feel like you are abandoning her like her father did.

You are in a tough spot of being torn apart by two people that you love.

I reread your prior post when you discussed a lot of your problems with your daughter and your husband before she went to stay with her dad. It sounded like your house was in a lot of turmoil then and that there were a lot of damaged relationships between everyone in the house. You said you left a little guilty about her going, which is probably why you are so happy to be having another chance to have a relationship with her at home.

After she left I bet the mood in your home and the stress level were much improved and that made things much more pleasant for your husband and your younger child. That may be why he is so upset that she is back. He probably has too many memories of confrontations with your older child, problems with the way you dealt with her and the impact of what this all did to your family.

These problems are not going to get fixed overnight. It sounds like your daughter may have grown up a little, but your family really needs some counseling. And probably some space. Did your daughter finish high school? Maybe an apartment or a dorm close by would be a good solution. You all could continue counseling until there were some bridges repaired. And you could continue to see her on a a regular basis and help her continue to develop into a mature young lady.

Your husband needs to grow up a little. And attend the counseling sessions, too! If you all want any chance of getting this family back together, you all need to be working together. Find a good church that can give you some structure and teach you (everyone) to pray for your family.

I guess I remember Ann Lander's advice: Are you better off with him or without him? You saw what raising a daughter without a dad did to your first child...what are you creating for your second child??

Good luck!

I understand where you are coming from. Unconditional love is something that we have as parents and it is hard for step-parents to have. God is the healer of all and through him our family was restored. I promise you; we would have never made it if it wasnt for finding a wonderful church home. We are Independant fundemental Baptist and attend Grace Baptist Church in Decatur Texas. My husband took on two step sons that had 0 disipline and it has not been easy. Its been 5 years and we still have problems on a daily basis but God helps us through it all. I hope your husband and daughter both can learn to work together on it all. And I will pray for you. I promise you that if you lay it on the alter and hand it over to God that he will restore it for you.

I can understand your frustration at being caught in the middle. Without knowing details, it's hard to say why your husband feels this way. However, do take it as an opportunity to teach your daughter the consequences of breaking trust. She will need to be strong enough not to retaliate in anger with her stepfather and understand this part of the process of reconciliation with her family. It doesn't happen overnight. You can not change his behavior, only help her understand how her actions might have warranted it.

Whenever the topic comes up for discussion with hubby, tell him that it is not a matter of choosing her over him, but that you have but a short window of time to help her get her life back on track. Tell him you understand his frustration given the past; he may be upset that the peace you've come to enjoy might be threatened. Don't allow yourself to lose your cool. Perhaps work on establishing some ground rules together, and jointly meet with your daughter to set clear expectations and consequences.

I've been in the same boat with our biological daughter and at the end of the day someone has to be the adult and that someone is you right now. I know its infuriating to have him behave so childish, but within a couple of years she will be gone and you two will have each other for hopefully the rest of your lives.

it kinda sounds like your daughter has had it pretty rough. she may not feel she belongs anywhere. Your husband needs to grow up and be willing to try and make this work for all of you. I would suggest you go to family counseling and if he refuses to go then just go with your daughter. She needs a parent in her life and since her father is not there she really needs you. I hope you work this out. good luck and keep us posted.

I went through sorta the same thing, when my daughter was younger. He kept telling me he was going to pack her stuff and put it on the front porch. I told him, to go ahead and pack my stuff too... cuz he knew up front this was a package deal. Kids only have their parents, to rely on. If she doesn't have you, who does she have? I would pack my stuff and go stay somewhere else (maybe with family, till he figures out that he is acting like a child himself), cuz if your daughter has changed, which it sounds like she has, then she deserves a chance, and he is not willing to give it to her. Why does he think that you should forgive him for his mistakes, but he is not willing to forgive her, she is a kid... he's not? I know you have another child that has to be considered in this also, but you have to do whats best for everyone involved. Good luck and stay strong, hopefully you can resolve these issues and have peace of mind knowing that you did everything you could.

dump the husband. go after mega child support for the four year old. good luck.

I dont have a lot of advice but I do have a simple stament that made a world of difference in my life.Long after your children are gone it will be just you and your husband so perserve that relationship.When your daughter turns 18 and maybe moves out just rember that your husband will still be there.That said you have to also do what is best for your daughter.I dont know it is a tough call.And let me just say you are a very very strong women for being able to forgive you husbnd for cheating.That takes a strong love.I definitly agree maybe some family conseling.

Gee -- you're cheating husband expects you to kick out your child....
I've had a cheating husband and I have children. The children can be rehabilitated. They're also a parent's responsibility.
I'd kick out the husband.

T., your family needs help getting through this. Please call Mark Felber at ###-###-####! He can guide you through the rough spots and help all of you get to a place of peace and happiness. Honestly, it is worth the time and the money for the counseling sessions. He is truly compassionate and one of the most gifted therapists in the entire Dallas area. You, your daughter and your husband deserve to have a good relationship. I wish you the best of luck! God Bless

Ugh...having been in a bad marriage myself I recognize the inner war you are having. Believe in yourself and your daughter will too. Do what is right for your kids. Be strong and show your kids what an amazing mother they have through your actions. It's not too late for your oldest. Pick yourself up and be the woman you want your daughter to become. They learn through our actions.

Best of Luck,
M.

First of all, my heart goes out to you. Having said that... don't let him bully you and make your (and your daughters) life miserable!! I grew up in a family much like you are describing so I have a little different take on the situation. Your daughter never asked to become a "stepchild". What people don't think about when they remarry is that their children immediately become just that - "stepchildren". That fact alone causes alot of confusion and pain. Your husband needs to understand the fact that he married into HER family - not the other way around. And whether he likes it or not - he's the one who needs to be accepted. My brother (like your daugher) was sent to live with an aunt and uncle for a short time because he and my stepfather didn't "get along". When he came back.. he also went thru the motions of better behavior. (Kids will do whatever it takes to stay with their Mother.) It didn't last long though becasue the real problem - my stepfather - hadn't changed. There is probably alot of stuff your daughter doesn't even tell you because she feels responsible and protective of you. At least that's the way it was in our house. If you stay married to this person - I think you should insist on some kind of counseling. I've seen alot of good suggestions from other responses. Believe me, I know how hard this is. But you need to get some help. I have 2 brothers - the younger one is my Mom and Step fathers child. My step father has been dead for 9 years - but we all still carry very deep scars that will never go away. I pray that this will not the case for your family. God Bless you!!

This is a sad part of parents being divorced and children involved.

YOU are her parent and YOU should be there for your children. No one else will be.

You current hubby knew you had her BEFORE he married you....If it comes done to a choice of her vs him.....you have to make the choice.

Like another post..just finding her an apartment could come across as though you are abandoning her as well. She needs stability and parents who CARE and love her unconditionally.

Best wishes to you.

Is this a "its her or me?" situation? If so, you'll have to make a decision.