Catty Girls

Updated on March 15, 2010
N.A. asks from Palmyra, PA
20 answers

So my daughter is in fourth grade and seems to be having problems with a few girls in her class. One girl in particular seems to be heading the expedition to taunt and tease my daughter and gets the other girls in on it. I've emailed the teacher once and it seemed like things were getting better. But she's having issues again with this girl and told me she doesn't want to go to school because of it. Not sure what to do at this point. I was vehemently bullied in school..had gum thrown in my hair...chair pushed and kicked..called names galore ( I was overweight) and I know what she's experiencing is not as bad as what I went through but I also remember my mom not doing a damn thing about it and I wished she would. Being bullied still sticks with me and contributes to my low self esteem and confidence. I guess my question is what do I do I continue to I tell her to deal with it on her own? Why do girls have to be so nasty? Where do they learn this behavior from? My daughter is very bright and in the gifted program..I don't know what this girl's problem is and why she has to encourage others to join in on making fun of my daughter.

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answers from Philadelphia on

I think it is important to teach them how to build self est and find appropriate ways to stick up to these bullys I had my son meet with guidance counsler to find ways to build self est unfort. Girls don't get better so they need to learn early to stick up for self..I have one daughter who is Cyber Schooled so she is done with that nonsence


answers from Norfolk on

You need to let the school know what is going on. Have a meeting with the principal and her teacher. They should be able to help get the bullying stopped. The parents of the other girls may or may not help to get it stopped. I've heard some parents tell their kids to give it to the victim some more (there are vicious people in this world).

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answers from Allentown on

Hi, N.:
This kind of behavior from others need to be addressed.
You will need to get in touch with the PTA president and talk about
how this bullying can be addressed in the school.

You will need to talk to the principal to set up a conference with the students and their parents along with you and your daughter. Obtain a conference facilitator to set the conference up with the principal's approval.
I can help facilitate it or call the International Institute of Restorative Practices to have someone come to the school and educate the administration about solving this kind of problem.
Bullying children is so detrimental their self esteem.
Thanks for caring. Good luck. D.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

Sorry to hear what your daughter is going through and LOVE that you want to get involved! In answer to your question and I haven’t had any experience in this but my vote is to get INVOLVED. Bullying requires adult intervention especially in young children. My gosh your daughter is still young, only in elementary school! In my opinion having them stick up for themselves is something they will learn from you. Show your daughter that you will go far for her in this situation and how to get results. Your daughter will learn from your actions and will be better prepared in Middle school and High school how to stick up for herself! If you have a no tolerance for this type of behavior, and prove it by your actions, your daughter will in turn have a no bully tolerance! You go MOM!!!!!

Just a side note, my daughter is in Taekwon Do and has been since age 5. One of the reasons I know most parents enroll their kids in marital arts is to help build their self-confidence. Maybe you can look into enrolling your daughter? Jus a thought =-)

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answers from Dallas on

I would speak to the teacher again, and if not you may talk to the parents of the child.
Several years ago, I recieved a call from the principle, explaining that my son was bulling another child. I was shocked, this was the child that aways had stood up for the under dog. I told the principle to take care of it at school and we would talk with him at home. When I asked my son what was going on. He said he had made names up about the kid, because he didn't like him. He was punished and told that is not how we treat people. So for the next couple of weeks I would contact the teacher to ask how things were going. She would tell me that our son was now going out of his way to be nice to the kid. We have never had an issue with him bulling again.
I can't hurt to talk to the parents, we all think are kids are sweet, but sometimes they can be just as mean. So talk to the parents what could it hurt. Good luck to you

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answers from Harrisburg on

I would be at the school TODAY and would not leave without a resolution. Our school has a zero tolerance for bullying as I think many do these days. Your daughter needs to know that you love her enough...that she's worth you fighting for her. Doesn't matter if you need to miss work...or whatever...get to school today and fight to protect your daughter's heart.

P.S I have 2 kids in the gifted program...and 1 of 2 has some social issues...sometimes these gifted kids have trouble relating to others. They're just on a whole different level than the rest of their classmates. I'm NOT saying this is the case with yours...and it's certainly not a reason for her to be bullied if so...but you may want to look into it. Our 1 sees a psychologist to learn to manage his ADHD + people skills...

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answers from San Antonio on

You need to get invovled you daughter needs you too. Just remember that you wished your mother had gotten involved by all means help her out. You also need to let you daughter know that she is a strong person and these that pick on her our weak. Email the teacher again and bcc to the principal. That way you can let the principal know without the teacher knowing that you did this. You and your daughter need to work together on this. I have four daughters myself and only one was picked on. I let everyone know that I was not going to let this be a problem for my daughter. Please tell your daughter that you are proud of her and she is a wonderful person.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Chicago on fight for your child.your mother didnt for you for some standing up for your child makes her stronger...........[my mother cares.............)confront the child thats doing the teasing.its probably just jealousy as your child is gifted.............



answers from Pittsburgh on

As a former teacher I would encourage you to keep in contact with the teacher. If she was helpful the first time, she might just need to know it is still going on. Girls that age can be pretty sneaky about when/where they bully. But I would also talk to your daughter about what she can do to ignore/stop this behavior. It is horrible that kids have to go through this type of thing, but I know it is out there and hard to stop. Good luck!



answers from Philadelphia on

I think you should go up to the school. Most schools have a No Bullying policy. Most schools will not put up with this. It's not right that your daughter doesn't want to go to school because of this. She deserves to be happy and enjoy her elementary years. Perhaps the girl's parents need to be involved. I would ask the school if they have a No Bullying policy. Good luck.


answers from Columbus on

I've recently responded to another post like this and I will say the same thing. Please get the book, "Odd Girl Out" by Rachel Simmons. I also went through some horrible girl-bullying in middle/high some of my so-called best friends. A family friend of ours who will be graduating this May from high school has also been through soooo much. The thing is that it's a whole new level of bullying. Now, girls can text, condemn on facebook, email, whatever. I cannot even believe some of the things girls and boys have texted my friend's daughter. Because it's not face to face, the comments are getting worse than I ever had to deal with in high school. My point? It's only going to get worse. The good thing is, is that you recognize it and want to do something about it. Many parents don't believe that it's really "that bad", or that it's normal girls stuff. Yes, it is a self esteem issue and the book will really shed some light on it. Bottom line is that you listen to your daughter. Knowing the mind-set behind why girls do what they do will help you and your daughter tackle the problems and come up with scenerios as to what to do next time something happens. I have already come to terms with the fact I will be willing to take my daughter out of school and home school her if it gets to that point. I have seen and heard of too many girls commiting suicide or doing bad things to try to cope with this kind of thing. I won't let it get that far. Sure, kids have to learn to deal with bullies and how to get along despite them- even in the workforce it happens. Coming up with coping mechanisms is a must, but when it gets to the point where a girl is going downhill or the threats become physical. Heck yes, my kid is OUT of there! I could type all day on this subject....... That the girls establish pecking orders, just like dogs or horses. That girls are afraid of each other and so, go along with what the alpha says in order to fit in. That the pecking order also changes, so a girl who is in the "in" crowd and well-liked (as much as anyone CAN be well-liked in high school) one day, will be the target the next. Low self esteem around the board, fuels these tiffs and cliques. I said, I could go on and on. Please get the book. It is basically my bible when it comes to what I will be facing in the years to come with my own daughters (8 and 11 months) The very best of luck to you and your daughter. .


answers from Pittsburgh on

Hi N., Don't email the teacher...CALL HER and then call the principal!! This type of behavior only gets worse left alone, not better as I am sure you know from your own experience. Your daughter has the right to be safe and comfortable in doesn't matter what size, color, how smart or if her hair is purple!! Bullies need to be confronted/punished ASAP and many schools have "no tolerance" policies when it comes to dealing with bullies these days. It doesn't matter what is going on in that other girls head....or what problems she may or may not be dealing with at home she still has to be taught to treat everyone with respect and common courtsey. She doesn't have to like your daughter, but she needs to learn how to deal! Get on the phone, go to the school, make some noise and defend your are her #1 advocate! Best wishes.

PS As far as fighting goes, I have always told my girls that they had better NOT start a fight, but if they get hit...they have my permission to fight back. That may not be popular or "trendy", but to this date not one of my three girls has been in a fight (thank goodness) but they do know how to defend themselves if they need to.



answers from Philadelphia on

Call the principal, tell him what is going on and ask him what the school's bullying policy is most schools have them. Tell him you talked to the teacher but the problem wasn't resolved. If that goes bad get in touch with the superintendent. Your daughter has the right to go to school and not be harassed.


answers from Pittsburgh on

My husband would say deck the girl and she'll never do it again, but we know we are not allowed that and we don't want to teach our children such behavior. If your daughter is gifted, that girl could be jealous of her who knows why girls do that but I would not call the school I would go there with your daughter and talk to the principal, in most schools, they have no tolerance for bullies I'm sure no one wants to be a rat but that is just plain mean and the girl needs put in her place. Good luck let me know how it goes keep bothering the school until the problem gets resolved.M. C



answers from Lancaster on

Although your daughter will probably deal with this type of behavior many times through out her life it has gone a little too far now. Email the teacher again with your concerns, but also call and talk to the guidance counselor - the counselor can talk to the girls - and your daughter individually to help her with this, and to help put a stop to it. Hope things work out for her.



answers from Philadelphia on

I would HIGHLY encourage you to meet with the school principal. Most schools have an anti-bullying program in place. I always hesitated, thinking that by bringing it to the school's attention, I was only going to make the problem bigger.

Earlier this year, my 14-year-old son was being antagonized by a girl (she wanted to be his girlfriend and that was fine for awhile but then she got posessive, nasty, disrespectful.....I could go on an on) Anyway, I finally spoke with the assitant princiapl and he found a creative way to let on that he was aware of her behavior without it ever being revealed that we had spoken to them. I learned that assistant principals are very creative and crafty people! Trust that they CAN help improve the situation without making it worse.

ANd, my personal experience, again with this same girl, was that approaching the mother served no purpose. As much as I liked and resected the mother and her parenting style, she was in absolute denial about her daughter's behavior, even though much of it was in print (text messages and emails) I came to the conclusion that even when the mama-bear knows her cub is wrong, she is going to protect that cub (At least in front of you....what happens when they are alone to discuss it....I'm sure very different) Anyway, when I had exhausted the mom to mom approach, I went to the school and wondered why I hadn't done that first!

As for they why, typically, the bully has her own issues and is venting in an inappropriate way; whether to get attention, make herself feel empowered where she otherwise feels powerless, as a mechanism to deal with her jealousy, or to simply make herself feel better, it is unacceptable. And there are far too many avenues availaible for kids to harass and tease now (internet, texting, in addition to the old classroom and playground forums) so take it on early and aggressively.

If you read books at all, I highly recommend a book I read a few months ago titled, "Please Stop Laughing At Me" by Jodie Blanco. It is outstanding and really gives insight into the mind of the victim as a child, and as an adult after she got through it.

I hope this helps,




answers from Lancaster on

Oh, how I can relate to this picture!!!! Out youngest daughter experienced similar treatment from 2nd grade through H.S. Some of this taunting came from distant cousins. My daughter is a talented individual in many ways. This is the kind of treatment that scars and stays with an individual permanently. I went through this physical, mental and emotional nightmare with my daughter and tried my best to be kind to these--then girls, who are now women. Some of which turned out to be mothers at an early age; did not graduate; welfare recipients, single parents and on and on. My daughter is married with wonderful children and a (wonderful) husband, as well. We tried to show these girls kindness from day one by inviting them on trips with us, parties, sharing toys (at the early age) and healthy experiences, but the bullying and mistreatment continued. They would get in their little groups (and purposely not invite her to take part in their fun....even through H.S.). Actually I hope they look back and remember how mean they were. Most of this was attributed to broken homes, not having a christian background, no wholesome nuturing and disfunctional households in general. The same is now happening with our granddaughter (our older daughter's teenager). This young lady is a true christian and her peers treat her horribly. Being a christian and not following the crowd is the main reason she is treated the way she is. She is a star basketball player, in AP classes @ school., very pretty, kind, generous with a heart of gold. Therefore, jealousy has reared its ugly head once again. I honestly believe these girls are products of an environment without wholesome nuturing, love, christian backgrounds and parents who do not set the example. Bullying is a horrible thing that unfortunately many of us have experienced or experience with our children. Fighting back "is not" the way (although sometimes I wonder). Tolerance wears thin. Endurance wears out at times, but they do get through it. They will forever remember these "rough times", but somehow, they do get through it. As a parent and grandparent........I have no positive feelings toward any of the ones who have treated my love ones horribly. And again, I wish someday they take a look back and remember how "ugly" they were to those who desperately tried extending "the olive branch". I truly hope all will work out for your daughter.....she doesn't deserve the mistreatment, nor do you deserve feeling her pain because of these individuals. We just have to pray for all of them---the good, the bad and the ugly people in this world.


answers from Omaha on

Oh that's awful. Why do girls have to do this. Breaks my heart. What I have come to learn is that these girls are mimicking behavior they learned from their parents. Bullies grow up and have kids, and still act like bullies into adult hood. I've seen some not so pretty situations at work with women ostracizing other women and starting rumors. It reminded me so much of playground behavior and these women are in their 20's, 30's, and 40's.

Does your daughter have friends she can play with that won't follow this girl? Have her create her own click if she can. Are there other girls she is taunting? Work on her acting skills : ) By that I mean, tell her to fake that it doesn't bother her then allow her to let it out at home. I had someone try to bully me in Jr. High. I felt horrible, but my mom told me to laugh in her face like she was nothing then go about my business and to keep smiling. Threw her off. Hugs to you and your daughter.


answers from Austin on

Zero tolerance for bullying. Now that you emailed the teacher, it is time to actually make an appointment to speak with her in person.
Explain what is going on and ask her what she is going to do about it.

Also speak with your daughter,not as though you do not think she can handle this, but with confidence that the other girl has a real problem that has nothing to do with your daughter.

Does your daughter have friends in her class that can help in these situations? Invite some of her friends over to your home to "hang out" watching videos, have a game day with fun foods. This will help them enforce their friendship with outside of school activities. Is your daughter in any clubs? This is a good way for girls to build their own friends and be around others with her own interest.

Maybe think about other moms and daughters that might enjoy starting a book club. Invite all of the the fourth grade girls and moms to join, so no one will be left out.

Also purchase the book, "Queen Bees and Wanna Bees" It is an excellent study and explanation that explains all about the mean girls and why they act the way they do.



answers from York on

Don't let up on this. My daughter was bullied in (private) school 3 years ago and we are still dealing with the after effects. They include low self esteem, depression and an eating disorder. I wish I had stepped in, but she insisted that she would confront them. She has always been "popular", very out going and self confident. These girls also encouraged all the boys in their class to join in. Had I made an issue out of this with the school, I don't think my daughter would be in intense counseling and on anti-depression medication 3 years later. She was in 9th grade at the time.
My daughter did end up at home the next school year to cyber school. There are options - just make sure YOU do something about it right away.

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