Can You "Top" My Inlaw Nightmares, or Am I a Selfish Person as DH States?

Wow, I'm lucky.
I never met my MIL and my FIL died before we were married 27 years ago. They were divorced.

I would not be able to handle what you put up with.

Hats off to you for being so good to them for so long.

My ex in laws, I could probably top it but suffering is suffering so why try to top it, ya know?

They are gone now, for now, right? That should make you happy for a while. :)

I would simply be out of town the next time they came and leave hubby to it. He deserves to wait on them like he expects you to wait on him and them. Take the kids too so they won't be put in the servants place.

This would drive most people crazy. But after 36 years of allowing this, I don't know how you are going to change it now, especially since your in-laws are now in their 80's. Maybe they'll die soon.

We will be married 6 years tomorrow. I met my MIL once, 4 years ago when she came out to stay with us for 5 days. She lives out of state. It clearly did not go well. We paid for everything and she took advantage of us financially. And she was awful to our kids. I told my husband I didn't want her back. She hasn't been back since.

How can people in their 40's take off 4-8 weeks a few times a year? Didn't they work? Regardless, you have allowed it for this long so I don't really know what you can do about it now. I feel bad for you that you hate them so much yet continually for years and years allow them to come to your house for so long.

What to do about it now? I would talk to your husband and tell him you are tired of it. Tell him you are empty nesters and want to enjoy your time with each other. You want to start using your money to go on nice trips with him and not pay for the parents vacations. If the parents insist on coming out, then ask your husband if they can pay their way and stay ONE week. That's it. That's enough time to see you and visit with the grandkids. Tell him you are starting to really get resentful and that isn't a good place to be. Good luck.

Well ....

your husband is allowing this (for you to be totally taken advantage of and walked over) so they are following suit I guess. It's shameful.

And no, I can't top that. I have my own in-law issues. But to me this sounds much more like a husband issue.

My MIL handed me a baby outfit (dress) when I got back from my honeymoon. I walked in the door and she presented it to me. I was just to be a baby making machine for her. I thought that was bad.

It's your husband who needs to stand up to them. So you have to stand up to your husband.

Say no. That's all you have to do.

You come first.

Good luck :)

** My husband and I went to couple's counselling to learn how to set and enforce boundaries, but mostly it was so that we could be a united front. The therapist explained to my husband how unreasonable it was for me to have my needs and well being come after his mother. He always agreed with that, but some mothers are scary. His was. He had trouble standing up to her but counselling helped.

So sad that you put up with it all those years. I have difficult in-laws but I can't even come close to what you describe because I would never have gone along with it in the first place.

Our little family of four comes before everyone else. My husband and I both feel very strongly about that. Neither of us would put our security and comfort at risk so relatives could walk all over us.

I'm so sorry you allowed this to go on for so long and now you are living with regret. No advice except to learn from this experience. Don't be a doormat in your marriage or any other aspect of your life!

Well, I am 100% sure that I would have never put up with this for so many years. Sadly, you have created a precedent and this is what they expect. I cannot believe that you have let them stay at your house to be waited on hand and foot for 2-3 months per year.

Now that they are in their 80's, the excuse is going to be that they are old and this is what they expect. It sounds like it could be some sort of cultural expectations. I would throw one hell of a fit with my husband on this. This is your home too and this is just too much. If he insists on this nonsense, I would take the kids and go out of town myself. That would put the burden of their care on him. Perhaps he can then understand a bit of where you are coming from...

Nothing here is going to change unless you make it so. Everyone else seems perfectly happy with this arrangement. You are long past boiling on this and rightly so.

Wow. That's my idea of hell. I can't top that. You are not selfish. THEY are selfish. HE is selfish. I would hate them and your husband if I were you, too. Their vacations basically ruined a large chunk of your life.

Can't top it. I've had a few things with my MIL but nothing like what you've endured for 36 years. This is horrible, that your children have not had vacations (not that anything is wrong with camping) because all the money has been spent on Grandma & Grandpa). Moreover, your children have grown to see that you have subjugated your own needs (and theirs) for the grandparents.

The only "fault" I see here is that you have endured this for so long without laying down boundaries. You and your husband have either been at odds over this for decades, or you both have resented it but only now there is contention between you because he's willing to keep things as they are.

You don't say if there is a cultural expectation from whatever their ethnic or national background is. That's probably impossible to fight - and truthfully after 36 years, how can you expect anyone to change how they feel and act?

I think you and your husband have the problem - you don't agree, and your resentment is entirely towards him for forcing you to do this. But being a victim isn't a good position to be in. So please get marriage counseling to resolve this resentment before it poisons everything you two have together. Also be sure that your bitterness (entirely understandable) doesn't spill over to your children. Help them break this cycle, and help them not pity or resent you and their father for not standing up of yourselves and for them.

My main thing with my MIL was that she had lost twins at about 5 months of pregnancy. She never had a chance to mourn/grieve because my FIL handled burial arrangements and she never knew what happened to them. She held it against him always. When I was pregnant (after years of trying), she kept talking about her "dead twins" throughout my early pregnancy, up to the 5 month mark. When I got to 6 months, she changed her story (after all those years) to say she had lost her twins at 6 months. I knew that story was going to keep advancing through my pregnancy, and soon her loss would have occurred at 7 months, then 8. I lost control, started crying, and screamed at her that I couldn't listen to this one more time until my baby arrived. I guess she was stunned, and it never happened again.

A friend of mine had "the worst" in-law story when she was told by her MIL that the reason she (my friend) got breast cancer was that she wasn't a nice person or a good DIL. She did years of treatment but eventually died, and I really wonder what her MIL thought and how she could possibly comfort the 2 children left behind if she was that full of blame.

I send you good wishes. You can either go to counseling, or just leave when the grandparents come the next time. The latter is kind of passive-aggressive, but you can save your sanity. I'd also start a separate bank account for your own needs and those of your kids, and let your husband finance his parents' visits including making all the meals and so on.

Sounds like you are overdue for a frank discussion with your husband before the next visit or a frank discussion with a counselor and/or lawyer.

You must've felt powerless and exhausted :-(.

What does your husband say when you tell him this?

After 36, years I think it's save to assume that you have felt that you have no power in the relationship with your in-laws, and more importantly your husband.

And in the 36+ years your husband has had them in his life, he has never lerned how to stand up to them, so he just passes the buck to you to deal with them.

You need to get yourself some support before you make any changes. As another person suggested, start attending Codependents Anonymous meetings, and contact a mental health professional that specializes in Codependency issues.

This will help you gain knowledge of how YOU play into these dynamics, help you establish your personal boundaries, and help you gain confidence to enforce them.

It will also give you the power to communicate your needs and feelings to your husband, and help you two work together.

Then before their next trip you (and your husband together) will now how to handle this situation so that you don't feel so powerless.

I don't think you're selfish and there is NO WAY I can top that. (Especially since both of my in-laws have passed away.) Have you tried talking to hubby about maybe cutting down the visits to no more than 2 per year for no more than 2 weeks at a time? If I were you, I think I would squirrel away some money so when they came for their 2nd or 3rd visit in one year, I would plan a "nice"vacation with the kids and simply not be home. I know that would cause a big riff and I might not really do that, but boy I would sure want to!

Are you sure he was not looking in the mirror when he said you were selfish? He sure needs to be. I have heard of in laws not doing things or heloing out but to criticize everything and for your husband to be totally against you, WOW.

If I could get my MIL to come here (FIL is deceased), I would have to beg her NOT to do things. I would probably get home to a very clean house and dinner cooked.

I had to read twice, YOU pay for the plane tickets? Every time?

A., as much as I have resented my in-laws over 25 years of marriage, for having taken care of them, taken them to all their doctor appointments, and specialty Korean/Japanese grocery stores, and cooked and catered to them as well, your story is a definite one-up on mine. We did purchase them a condo at one point, but got our money back when we sold it, so I don't count that as a loss anymore.

My next course of actions and thoughts for YOU is that you must get some therapy NOW. You must search and join a Co-Dependent support group and learn about setting and maintaining healthy boundaries and that is is ABSOLUTELY OK TO SAY NO!!!!

Please start this dialogue with yourself now....why are your in-laws such mooches? Why does your husband expect such silent servitude and suffering from you? Does he not see how draining they are on your psyche and your marriage? Seriously, are they destitute??

**SWH** A., I'm a bit shocked by your new boundary, meaning you up and filed for divorce. I don't recall anyone saying divorce your husband. Perhaps you should divorce your in-laws, but your husband? If you went along with his requests and expectations without speaking up about how miserable you were, you are part of the poor boundaries that exist in your marriage. MOST OFTEN, when someone has never learned healthy boundaries, and they start to, they are so out of practice setting boundaries that they go the opposite direction, go to extremes in learning how to set boundaries. And that exactly what I'm saying, are you sure you wanted a divorce over this? I can understand that your years of resentment would lead you to want a divorce, but given a little bit of time and distance, things actually might heal..just a thought A.....I'm not entirely surprised you rushed into a big, protective decision. But please take plan and protect yourself in all ways.

Quite honestly, this was on YOU to put your foot down early on, when it became apparent that your husband thought all of this was OK (or didn't care - whatever).

They may be in your house, but unless you are running a B&B, you are not required to provide for them at all. I would not have fed them, not kept food around for them to eat, nor entertained them. I would not have interrupted my life and plans in any way for them. If your husband wanted to, he could. But that's on him.

After all this time, it's not fair to put this on him when you knew it wasn't going to change. You should have shut this down years ago. Sorry.

There is no way I can top that.

We spent Christmas last year with our daughter it was to be a three day stay. I do recall my daughter asking her father when he was going to leave her apartment after three days. He came up with the comment, "Well, in the olden days family put up with extended visits." I informed him that guest and fish start to smell after the third day and that we needed to go. He stayed an extra day just for the "heck" of it and stomped around the next morning while packing his things. It did not leave a pleasant taste in the daughter's mouth.

The point here is that if you don't do something about it now you will go to your grave with all this resentment and hostility that was not needed. Seek out counseling and do things for you. Put you before the others for once and find out how that feels. Then continue to become "selfish" it is your life to live. You are not a slave.

Put money away, seeking marriage counseling, and seek out an divorce attorney. You ain't getting any younger. Life is too short for all this BS.

the other S.

PS There were things that should have been resolved 36 years ago and have not.

My inlaws are hellacious too, but I've only known them for 9 years. And I bet at 36 years they'll be on par with yours. I'm sorry to hear about how crappy it has been for you. I know exactly the type of mentality of your inlaws because mine are the same. It's awful and exhausting and frustrating and rude. I always try to start a visit with a clean slate but at this point nothing surprises me. Llast time they were here MIL walked in the door and asked me to do her laundry because she only brought dirty clothes....then she left at 3 am to go for a drive since I don't allow chain smoking, then spent the day sleeping instead of spending time with the kids. Then she wiped her hands and mouth all over our living room blanket after eating cupcakes and balled it up and shoved it under the couch. I also found dirty underwear stashed under the bathroom sink and cigarette butts in my sons toy box. Wish I was kidding.

Anyway, I feel for you. Try to put your foot down and talk to your husband. Mine is understanding but wants to see his family too. I'd be fine if I never saw them again. He finally put his foot down on some issues when we had kids. We compromise, but as I've aged I'm getting less tolerant and my bitchy attitude comes out. My sympathies to you!

Pretty sure you're getting the First Place ribbon in this contest.
BUT it's gone on WAY too long to address now--why did you wait so long???
Take out? Maid service? Personal chef while they're there?

Stop allowing this.
Tell your husband it's got to stop or you're gong to Hawaii on his credit card every time they show up and you are not coming home until they are gone.
Take YOUR vacation - the one you've always dreamed about.
If he wants to host his parents - he's welcome to do it - without YOUR HELP.
Don't forget to send him a post card!
The only compromise to this would be - they stay at a hotel from now on - at their expense.
Then I'd consider staying home while they visit - and they'd only be at your house for one meal per day.

I can't top it.
But my long time divorced Mom met up with my boyfriends (now husband) soon to be divorced father - and they lived together for 17 years until his death.
They were good for each other - but it was sure embarrassing explaining that my Mom and my husbands Dad were a couple.

oh wow.

no, this would have gone past the point of bearing about 35 years ago.

i'm sure there's more to the story, but from what you've posted here, you win the nightmare inlaw sweepstakes.

sorry, hon.
khairete
S.

How awful to be treated this way, and in your own home, for all these years! I understand your resentment. Did your husband know how much you hated your in-laws visits? Why in the world did you continue to cook and cleanup after them? I think I would have been done after the first 4 week visit. As Dr Phil says...you teach people how to treat you.

So sorry these are your circumstances.

you are not selfish. your dh is wrong!

thats all i have to say about that, my in-laws are the best a gal could have. no complaints here!

I hospiced my FIL in my house. But at least when he was gone, he wasn't coming back. And it was appreciated.

Glad you came on here to vent - I bet it's making you feel better. They suck and your DH sucks more! I'd put my foot down the next time they visit. I'd say, hello... well, I'm not cooking a thing and I have very little in the house aside from breakfast food. Let them fend for themselves. And the money you save - go to a spa on the day they leave.

Why are they vactioning and visiting so often/so long and why at your expense? This has gone on for such a long time, that a quick fix is not likely. It seems you take on the brunt of hosting the in-laws. I would tell hubby that if he wants to host them repeatedly that he needs to assume the responsibility for addressing their needs. These visits sound like hell for you and I can see how that makes you resent your husband. He's probably as use to you doing everything, just like the in-laws are. You poor thing. You should have spoke up about 2 decades ago. Everyong is comfortable with this ongoing arrangement, but you. Does your husband every thank you for all you do for his parents? Not that this makes it better, but that would be appreciated. This would drive me crazy. And by the way, you are not being selfish. You should tell hubby that he's on duty "solo" the next times the parents come and lets see how he feels once they are gone. He's just trying to make you feel guilty and manipulate you so you continue doing what you are doing. I would leave it all up to him and see how he likes it. Good luck.

i have a great father in law…the stories i could tell about my mother in law are cringeworthy. i won't. i have been married 12 years, put up with everything until a few years ago. then i out my foot down. i say when, i say where, and i say how long. if hubby ever has a problem with it, i can show him the door