Can We Come Back from Deception?

Dear J.,

I am so sorry to hear about your husbands affair AND yes, I believe a marriage can come back from deception. We have not had deception in my marriage but we have had temptation and a little indiscretion (on my husbands side). He told me while I was with my 6 month old son and my 2 year old daughter. My biggest thing in our marriage has always been "don't make me look stupid". I can understand temptation and slipping but I cannot understand making me look stupid for trusting someone I love.

I recommend you have your husband get every thing he might have from the deception (pictures, notes, matches, e-mails, etc.) and together destroy it - this shows it is over for real. You need to talk - you, while he listens, really listens. And then hear him out. You need to talk whether on your own or with counseling.

In our marriages I believe we fall in & out of love hundreds of times. This is where the commitment side responds.

And honey, of course you hurt. But it is not irrepareable. You may feel broken now but you are strong! You are amazing, you are wonderful and you are human just like him. We all make mistakes- his is just a whopper.

Please consider holding off on the next baby until you are sure you want to stay together and you are rebuilding trust. A new pregnancy is a quick fix that will only make all your problems more noticeable in the end.

Thank you for being so honest on the drinking and I can completely understand wanting to "drown your sorrows" but in the end this won't help at all. Find another release: kick boxing, painting class, a women only therapy group, walking, running, clay, dancing, etc. Something to take your mind off the pain for a while without potentially making matters worse.

I'm sending you my biggest hug, my strongest thoughts, and all my warm wishes! You are so strong for being honest and vulnerable. You can move on from this, whichever road you walk.

ann

Please don't have another child before you get your own life on solid ground! Think of your daughter and how she needs a strong, stable, happy mother. Find someone who can help you cope with your problems in a healthy way, not through destructive habits like drinking. Do it for yourself but, more importantly, for your daughter who needs you! Once you are stronger inside, you can deal with your marriage more effectively. Your husband must be as committed as you are to healing the relationship. If he isn't, things are unlikely to improve. I wish you the best; hang in there.

I am so sorry to hear about what happened. The first thing I will tell you is stay away from drinking. This is the easiest way to become an alcoholic. I know that might not be what you are thinking but it can happen that way. I have seen it in my own family. I had alcoholics on boths sides. The second thing I will tell you is figure out what you really want to do. Most people say a cheater is a cheater and always will be one. I some cases that is true and in others it is not. Try going to a counselor to help you figure out what is best for you and once you do, whatever that decision may be, do it. I hope no matter what the outcome is that you will be okay. Just remember, you have to be. You are a mother and no matter what kind of problems you have your child comes first and they definitely feel the stress around them. Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers.

Everyone has different situations. For me, I would never stay with someone who would do that to me. I could never trust them again-I would think that they are not strong enough to stand up to "temptation" and there is plenty throughout our lives. What will he do the next time around and the next temptation? It is sad for your child to not be together, but you can both raise her/him as the parents but just not live together. I love myself too much to let someone take advantage of me like that and betray me, you should too. Love yourself more-life is short and there are sooooooooooooooooooooo many fish in that sea. Think about your options, and don't be untrue or unjust to yourself. Sometimes that will make your husband think he is easily let off the hook and you are too easy to forgive.

D.

I would recommend counselling for both of you. Thru counselling you will be able to find out if you can trust your husband. And you will discover if you want to be with him or not and vice versa.

J.,

I'm sorry, I know the hurt, anger, disrespect, embarrassment and frustration you feel. I totally get it. I don't believe that people change through counseling. I believe people change because they want to. There are a hundred reasons people cheat. It's a disgusting thing, one which I personally feel you cannot come back from. Was it a one time thing because you caught him? Did you ever do something wrong and find it was really, really hard to do? Then you do it again and it gets easier, then the next time it's easier? That's just like cheating. I have been on both sides, sad to admit. Please think before even considering having another child with this man. Also, think about your love for him. Please don't waste your time on someone who disrespects you, your daughter, your relationship so much that he would find someone else to share his love. You took vows in public promising that you wouldn't do this to each other and he's broken them, your trust, your family. Let him go find what he needs. Also, I would not want my daughter to learn that it's ok for daddies/men to disrespect their partners by lying and cheating. It's not ok and there is no excuse. What has he done that you didn't find out about? It's better to let go and find someone who will respect you fully and your family then to waste your time loving someone who doesn't love you in return. It's the hardest thing you'll ever have to do, but sticking around and wondering what he's up to when he's 1/2 hour late coming home from work will be much worse.

That "haunting" will not go away until you find closure and peace. That you must do on your own. But you MUST do it in order to move on. Failed relationships are like death. You have to mourn and grieve, accept and file away. You can come back for a visit sometime but only to the good times.

I'm sorry to be blunt, I DO respect you and sometimes you need a bit of cold water to the face to realize what's up. And by the way, of course you are strong enough for anything. You need to be strong because you have a child to raise and that is your job. She's what matters here, setting up good role models in her life NOW.

Good luck,
J.

J.,
I really feel for you but you need to put your shoulders back, hold your head up high and stop the drinking and feeling sorry for yourself. I know how painful cheating can be and its awful but you need to pull yourself together for your precious little daughter. She is innocent in all of this and will likely become a victim of this if you don't stop drinking and refocus. I know its easier said than done.

DEFINITELY, do not have another child with this man until you iron things out.

You really need to go talk to someone, you alone and then the two of you together as a couple. Not sure where you are located but I know a great therapist in Malvern, PA. I know it can be expensive but therapy is much cheaper than divorce these days!

You need to ask yourself a question....

Will you ever be able to trust him again? It takes time to get past. He will need to grovel and prove himself all over again to you. You have the upper hand here so take control of your life and the situation and get on the road to recovery.

I wish you lots of luck. Hang in there and focus on your daughter! Our children bring us unconditional love and they should be our priorities no matter what.

I'm so sorry to hear of your sorrow. Loss of trust is such an immense tragedy. I would suggest getting a good therapist. If you have insurance call the number on the back of your card for behavioral health to find out who is covered under your plan. You probably want to get your own therapist and then a marriage counselor. It sounds like your husband would be open to that, which is very good. I know the alcohol probably makes your feel better now, but it will only make things worse. These issues are not going to go away; you have to face them, for the sake of your daughter. Get some help, learn some coping skills, and hold off on any big decisions, like having another baby. Reach out to your supports. Tell them what you need from them. People want to help. You can do this. There is hope!
Take care of yourself and your daughter,
A.

J.,

I can only imagine how devistated you must be. Be strong, especially for your child and stop the drinking before it gets out of hand. Next, please find someone to talk to...priest, rabbi, a professional. Only you can make the decision if you can continue in this relationship, but it will take time. And don't make any hasty decisions right now.