Can Not Get My 3 and 4 Year Old to Listen to Me

I know this sounds harsh but it has worked for me, I overly gush in praise when one of my kids does something good. It could be as simple as offering to answer the phone and I will go on and on about how wonderful it was to do this for me or when they put their cup in the sink. My 3 year old sees mommy happy and her brother/sister getting kudos & praise and wants in on it. She learns through a positive example of a peer.

They may be competing for your attention and at that age they don't really care if it's negative or positive. I would suggest scheduling alone time with each child, like an hour every week. Do not let the other child interrupt and let each child decide how you will spend your time, even if it means laying in the grass staring at the sky for an hour. As long as it's just the 2 of you. This lets each child feel how important they are to you and shows respect for them. It might take a few "dates" but it will work.

I have a 3 and 5 year old and they seem to get into anything and everything as well, my 3 year old loves to color but it usually ends up all over him, the walls, floor and such if I am not watching him constantly. I find that things run much smoother when I am sitting with them and interacting with them while they color or do any other activity. I do all my cleaning while they take their nap, which is usually about an hour and if I can't get to everything in that time then I finish when hubby gets home. I know this won't work with everyone but it works for me and now my home is a little less chaotic, it helps that now my 5 year old is in kindergarden for the mornings.

The things I've found which worked for me as my one son went through that:
1. absolute consistency, no empty threats. Explain the consequences, "if you do X then Y will happen, your choice." And then praise for making a good choice and consequences happen when they make a bad choice.
2. The book, 1-2-3 Magic really helped me get perspective on how to deal with different kinds of misbehavior and recognizing that different kinds have different consequences.
3. He definitely cleans up his own messes. But I also try to give him as much control as possible over what we do for fun.
4. More exercise and stimulatin out of the house. Walks to the park, the zoo, indoor park at the community centers, OMSI. Mine definitely goes stir crazy when at home too long and getting him out and getting him tired makes it much better.

Hi C.,
I truly feel your frustration.
One thing I tried, and my friends have tried, and we find that it works, is showing the kids the consequences of their behavior.
Time-outs don't always work, so we get CREATIVE.
When my 2-year-old son colors all over, then the colors get taken away immediately with a brief explanation.
I do this everytime after, now he is gets it that if he doesn't
behave, it gets taken away for good.
My kids are usually fighting over some toy, so since they won't share, it gets taken away, and every other toy they fight over UNTIL they either have no toys or they start to share.
Sure, they throw tantrums, but the results have been well worth it! They understand that if they don't listen, they don't get their way.
Maybe you have tried this, but don't worry, YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY MOTHER STRUGGLING WITH THIS!
Take care and keep up the hard work,
R.

You are NOT the only one struggling with this. I will tell you what worked for me. My kids are now 7 and almost 5 and when they were 3 and 5 it was rough. I tried to make enriching activities for my kids like, coloring, cutting, playdough and crafts. I was finding that they were not appreciating what I offered and NEVER picked it up. When they made a mess I was left to clean it up while they made more mess elsewhere. So here is what I did. FIRST - I sat them down and told them how sad their behavior was making me. I told them there were going to be some new rules with toys and activities. These rules were: If you make a mess YOU will clean it up, If you fight over the stuff it will be taken away for 1 day. If you use the items to make a mess on purpose it will be taken away for 2 days. THEN - I put out an activity for them to do. As soon as I heard fighting or saw them using it innapropriately I walked in and too what it was away and put it in a box on top of the fridge for the alloted time. At first the behavior did NOT get any better. It was like they were testing me to see if I would really make them clean marker off the wall or really make them help me wash the table cloth. But after a few days of loosing items to play with it started to work. Now that they are older the rule still stands but now it is for toys being left out. (I got sick of picking up the house every day AND every night)

I hope this helps. Keep us posted. Oh and about getting a job and putting your child in Daycare. That might be a temporary fix and make it easier for right now, but what about when you take them on vacation or the weekends or summer break? I think trying to correct the behavior is WAY more worth it. AND, get a friend to give you a break every once in a while. It is good for your kids and for you.

:)

You should try to get a job and then send them to daycare so they can get some social skills and maybe they won't fight and talk back as much as they are now.

I unfortunately do not have any ideas. I am looking for some as well. So if you find anything that works for you I would greatly welcome the same idea. :) I have a 3 yr. old and I actually felt much better after I read your request as we are going through the same thing with our son. And if I get onto him he just cries and has become so insensitive. I imagine because my husband travels that might have something to do with it but lately he has acted out more. I don't know what to do and I am also getting more and more frustrated. I have ran out of ideas myself.

Good luck!

I recommend reading a parenting book based on the Love and Logic system. You can find more info on www.loveandlogic.com.

And remember that 3 and 4 year olds are immature and have to learn how to behave. That includes how to listen. And to do what is more difficult; follow thru on what they hear. Teaching them takes you spending a lot of time working with them. Just telling them to clean up their mess or even to not make a mess doesn't work. As far as messes go they are trying out things in their world. It's not a mess to them.

Parenting is the most difficult job in the world but yet we do not get training before we get the job. I'm glad you're asking for help.

HI C.,
You sound like me I have a 7, 6, 2 and 1 year old. I experience the same chaos! We very much enforce a natural consequence parenting startegy. SO that you are notpunishing the kids and they are choosing their own outcomes for whatever they do ( positive or negative). For this situation what I would do is go to whatever mess they made and tell them that whenver they choose to clean it up they may move onto something else ( whether that be lunch or going outside or just another toy ). They will say no and refuse to do it for awhile until they realize they really can't do anything else until they do this. Plus, it makes them feel like they are making their own choices and your not yelling at them to do something all day. Hope this helps. W.

Hey C.,
I'm sure you realize that you are not alone on this one. What helped me when my kids were going through this stage was remembering not to make empty threats. I never realized how much I did it until I tried to stop. When you warn your kids, for instance, to stop fighting or no nintendo for a week, follow through!
Along the same lines, I've found that taking away a privelidge is better than dishing out times outs. When my son gets his video games taken away for a week, it works wonders!
Hope this helped. Good luck.