Can a Woman Be Both a Feminist and a Good Wife?

I think that being a good wife means being a good partner. Some people have different views on what that means, and it what works for some doesn't work for others. As long as both people are happy, then that's what is important.
I am not one of those people that waits hand and foot on my husband. I am a full time working mother, and the main breadwinner in my home. My husband is completely capable of doing for himself and we share responsibilities. We do nice things for each other because we want to, not because it's expected. If that makes me a feminist, then I say "THANK YOU!". When does being a feminist mean a bad thing?

I feel that my husband and I both give 100%, just in different ways.

I cook, clean, do laundry, do grocery shopping, pack his lunch, pay bills...

He takes out trash, feeds animals (farm), cleans out outdoor dog cage and cow lot, mows and trims grass, cuts and bails hay for cows...

I don't feel like a feminist or a submissive housewife. I feel like an equal partner.

Doing for the other that which the other doesn't really like to do for there self is what makes us miss each other when we are apart. It's comfy when you find that niche.

I think that something happened along the way that made "feminist" a dirty word. I don't know why!
To me, feminist is someone that CAN take care of the home, her husband, her kids...whatever SHE wants to take care of. I think, back in the day, it was just assumed that women were going to wait on their husband's, raise the kids, and take care of the house and were not given the opportunity to do any more (like work outside the home). When women said "we want to work outside the home too" they became "feminist".
We know a lot of women, many on this board, who do it all...work outside the home, care for their families, their husband's, ect. Nothing wrong with that. If there are women who want to cater to their husband they could also be feminists...doing what they CHOOSE to do. If they are working outside the home, they are feminists too.
At least, that's my take on it.
In my case...this morning I made my husband's lunch. Sometimes he makes it. Sometimes he makes my son's, sometimes I do. Just yesterday we spent an hour, the both of us, cleaning up the house, doing laundry, grocery shopping...ect. Sometimes I feel like I am carrying the bulk of household duties, but then I look at how much he is working and I realize that it's fair. When I was working outside the home we shared responsabilities as well.
There is nothing wrong with taking "care" of your man, and there is nothing wrong with that SAME MAN taking care of his woman!
L.

First of all I do not give a hoot what people think of our marriage. It works for us, so poo on them..

We are so equal in our marriage because we respect each other. We love each other and live and would die for each other.

I hope our daughter finds the same for her life.
We TRY not to keep score on who washes, clothing dishes, the car..
If I do not feel up to a chore, he can take it over or... gasp!.. we let it ride till one of us is up to it..

Of course I am a feminist because I feel all women are capable of what men are capable of. We may have our own version of it, but we can get it done and we deserve to be equally compensated if we do it foe a living...

I want our daughters and granddaughters to have the same opportunities and compensations as anyone else no matter, their sex race or religion or non religion..

I consider myself a feminist, and my family for generations was and is fairly matriarical, yet I make my hubby lunch. Why? Because I have the time, as he works at night and I pack him the dinner I made for the family. Also for me it's a kind gesture. We equal up pretty much everything else. I guess I don't get why it's so terrible to do it. You work, your busy with tons of things as well as the kids. Me too. Your choice , my choice. However, I would never assume your hubby cheats on you becasue you don't make him his lunch, when I first read that the other day I had to laugh, that was extreme and ignorant. Bottom line everyone does what works for them.

K, I've got a different take on the thing.

I actually LIKE waiting on my man. He is so appreciative and it is a very sexy thing how he looks at me when I hand him a plate of food that I made. He says something like 'can we have this everyday?' then will make a FB post about whatever fabulous food I made and how I have rendered him slothlike again.

This works for me as I am confident in my own value as a person, I enjoy taking care of people, it's a skill and I'm good at it.

I think marriage is RARELY 50/50, somebody will ALWAYS be giving more than the other. I think GIVING itself is the name of the marriage. Of couse, if you've got a husband who treats you like a dog and refuses to 'help' in anyway since it's woman's work, well that sucks, and I wouldn't want to be there either.

Frankly, I don't want my guy touching the laundry, dishes, vacuuming, I like it done MY way.

I think the trick is, like you seem to have, finding a good match. Someone who shares the same feelings about roles and responsibilities, someone who loves the things about you that you value the most. The 'chores' (I say that cause I take pleasure in 'chores', which makes them not really 'chores', you know?) division should fall into place if you both celebrate the things about each other that mean the most.

:)

There's a quote I read that I absolutely love about husbands:

"Treat your husband like the gift from God that he is"

Why *wouldn't* I treat my husband like a king when HE treats ME like a queen?? There's nothing wrong with showing love and appreciation when they deserve it.

What bothers me is those women that feel like *they* deserve to be treated like princesses but then treat their husbands like hired help. To me, feminism means allowing women to make their own choices. Whether we chose to work or stay home, have children or not, be doctors or nurses - those choices are our OWN. But why do good men have to suffer because of it? I'm not saying we should wait on our husbands, lord knows I certainly don't! But I do treat him with love, respect and kindness - JUST as I expect to be treated.

Yes, my husband is capable of making his own lunch (and does), but he sure appreciates it when I make it for him.....just like I'm capable of plowing the driveway or taking out the trash (and do), but I sure appreciate it when he does!

Proud feminist (believe in equal rights for men and women) and great wife and mom. My husband makes his own lunch, although I can't say it's 50/50 around our house because of my husband's long work hours, but we make it work. He also does his own laundry. He was too particular about how he wanted it done so I handed that back to him years ago.

I find women who think the term "feminist" is derogatory to be ignorant. It simply means that you're for the equal treatment and equal justice for women. So, can you be pro-woman and a good wife? I don't think there's any other way! If you think being a good wife is in opposition to you being pro-woman, then you're a doormat, a slave, subservient -choose your term, but none of them are good, and I'll take feminist over them any day!

Thanks for this question! There is absolutely nothing wrong with having an equal partnership in your marriage. Whatever works for your particular union. That being said, I personally could never be married to a man who *expected* me to wait on him hand and foot, as you say. I think I sniffed those types out pretty well in my dating years and I didn't end up with one -- not by accident. I always kind of chuckle when I read moms on here who would never question their husbands actions and put up with what sounds like some pretty macho behavior, IMO. That's not for me. I was raised to be a strong woman, by both of my parents, and I am. But I'm not a ball-breaker, by any means, please! Have I made my husband lunch before? Absolutely. Will I again? Of course, why not? If I have time and feel like it, certainly. Does he expect it? Heck no. We both chip in and help one another. Some days it's 60/40, some 70/30, etc. We've been together 18 years and something's working for us :)

Such a good question!!! I think feminism is about choice, flexibility, and being multidimentional. I think a large question right now is: Are men given the same flexibility and choice? Are they taking the opportunity to be both provider and nurturer, to themselves and others. Are we respecting our gender differences as well as individual differences?

Some people are very comfortable in the completmentary, traditional sexual identity roles. Others, not so much. I think both ways are right and respectful as long as both partners agree. Therein lies the rub. That is not always the case.

I see so many complaints on this site about men not doing what women would like. I always wonder, did anything change? Was this not discussed prior to marriage, having kids? Are women expecting too much/too little out of men?

I do think those on mamapedia are a particularly conservative segment of the population.

In my first marriage, I made his lunches, cooked, cleaned, ironed, took care of the kids AND worked. When I got to the point that I felt taken for granted and unappreciated (plus many other things) - I got a divorce. Wow! Such freedom! I promised myself that I would NOT do those things for any future mate. My husband now makes his own lunches (although if he wants to take leftovers, I will put some in a smaller dish for him), he irons, he helps clean, he puts our son to bed and helps with homework and baths. We both have little things that we do for each other. With us, I think that it is that the little things are appreciated. We thank each other, and we have sort of a joking battle running about who is ahead in spoiling the other. We don't keep track of what we did and get grumpy about it. It's all part of being a team. I've told all my nieces and my daughters "Don't start fixing lunches, laying out clothes, etc - they are big boys - you'll be doing it your whole life if you start at the beginning!". No - not a bad wife at all. I'm a BETTER wife for having a husband that doesn't expect a slave.

I'm with you on this one.

I would never dream of making my husbands lunch, he's quite capable of doing it himself. I have no idea why a wife would consider doing it, unless she's making the kids lunch at the same time. I don't my husband is up at 5:30 am and out of the house at 6:15 am. I'm still in bed. That also means I don't make him breakfast!

~Shock horror~ I don't even do his ironing!

I don't think you're a feminist, I think you're a modern woman. I also think the women who's husbands would have an affair if they stopped making lunch need to get out of their marriage. That's not right.

R.

I'm a proud feminist (although, the term has been polluted, so some people treat it as a pejorative...of course anyone who knows the first thing about feminism know it's not.) A "feminist" doesn't necessarily give a hoot who is making lunch as long as the dynamics in the family are inclusive and equitable.

So my husband and I do what needs to be done in our house--sometimes I make lunch other times he does. It depends who is in the middle of diaper change or doing laundry. I am so glad that my husband was raised by a working parents who taught him how to help manage a house. By there is some fascinating (peer reviewed!) research that suggests women who identify as feminist have more positive views of men than women who do not identify as feminist (probably because of the type of men we surround ourselves with--wonderful ones mostly!) and that feminist have more satisfying sex lives (and I bet my husband would agree with that one too :)!

We're busy raising two sons and I hope they learn these feminist messages about freedom and equality that their feminist mother and father and trying to model for them!

I am currently a SAHM...I pack my son a lunch most days as he isn't fond of cafeteria food at school. So, I will also pack my husband a lunch as well...I am there and the food is there and well...it is a nice treat for my husband, who hates with a passion fixing a sandwich. (I don't like to touch ice, he ices the glasses for dinner).

There are some days my husband will pack his own lunch...my son is eating at school or I was up with kids the night before...etc etc

As he has told me many times he was self-sufficient for 24 years before we married and he can still "fill-in-the -blank" for himself.

The way I see it though is when I plan out lunches in advance for him and then fix them for him it is an act of love on my part that he really really appreciates. I love him and doing things for him...does he expect it, NO...does he go with out lunch if I don't do it, NO...it is just something I choose to do for him I know he likes.

I also try to have a hot meal at least cooking when he walks in the door. He has told me numerous times that walking up to the front door and smelling dinner cooking gives him a lift in his spirit...knowing that we are eagerly expecting his arrival. And hey what man doesn't like a good dinner. He is also happy to pick up a pizza once in a while when i text him it has been a rough day.

For years we both worked outside the home...and we really split up the responsibilities or did them together. We cooked together every night...or whoever got home first cooked...laundry was done by both, usually we kept up with our own work clothes.

My husband and I are a team, we work together to make life work and go smoothly for our family. I happen to be the "home" team right now and so make that my "work". He is working out there to bring home the paycheck. I am not less a woman because right now I am staying home with our children and keeping our home running. I might go back to work someday and our roles will shift again.

I can say I used to look down on my mother for just being a homemaker and wow, I had no idea how much stuff she did...

I am totally amazed that you can work and still get everything done that needs to get done!! You go girl!! But it sounds like you have your husband's support and help to make it all work. As long as it is working however you guys make it work is your business.

Hugs to you!!

My hubby and I share all the chores and childcare as best as we can. He does dishes and cleans toilets on occasion ~ I pick up dog poop and mow the grass every once in a while. We really don't have "his" and "her" chores. Other than he doesn't dust and I don't go out and run the tractor and plow the snow from our 100 yard driveway (only b/c he sees it as too dangerous and won't teach me!!).
But.......he works swing shift and when I am cleaning up dishes from dinner with my boys I typically make him a lunch for the next day. I don't see it as a "chore" and I do it with love. I don't always do it, but he never fails to thank me when I do.
I say do what works for you and your hubby and don't judge what others do and ignore them when they judge you!

Of course you can be a feminist and a good wife (good is subjective) though perhaps not a stereotypical wife locked in outdated gender roles. Myself and my husband are a team and we work together to get done the things that need doing. Right now we have 2 kids 5 and under and I am home with them. We discussed this before we got married and thought it was best until the kids were in school full days. As a SAHM I do a lot of the household stuff (cooking, cleaning, childcare, etc) but my husband pitches in and helps with most tasks when he is home. He packs his own lunch if he brings it but it is usually whatever I cooked for dinner the night before. He will make lunch for our 5year old too. Sometimes he cooks on weekends for breakfast. And you know who I have to thank for this? My Mother In Law! That's right, she has a Phd. and a great job and my FIL is retired and does a lot of the household stuff (she usually cooks but he bakes bread every week). MIL's often get complained about on this site but that is not always the story.

Honestly, if you and your husband are content with how things work in your household then who cares what others think?

I would call myself part feminist, yet I think I am a good wife (most of the time, I still have my bad days, don't we all). Like you I never pack my hubby's lunch, sometimes I still a little love note in with a piece of chocolate but besides that I never do. Now there are leftovers and sandwhich fixings so it is not like there is nothing for him to take/make. We switch off and on at times, depends on how busy he is at work or how busy I am. I think sharing responsibilities are a good thing, now my mom mainly does the wash, cooking and cleaning as well as working full time but my dad helps out when he can (he is a pastor so always on call or doing something work related).

Last week at work I was moving a ladder, bymyself and another work (male) said let me help you. I said thankyou but I can move it by myself if he had something more pressing to do. He laughed a little and said "I know you are all 'I am women, hear me roar' but let me help you." That in turn made me laugh and we both moved the ladder together. Working together is a great thing :)

In the end I think some men can live with a women who is more "feminist" while other men do need the more "traditional" women. In the end I hope women realize this and BEFORE they get marry to sit down and discuss what they are expecting from each other so they are on the same page. I do not think one way is better then the other, it really has to do with what they grew up with, their presonality, work schedule, and if they are lazy or not. Of course I do think that both partners need to be parents and do their best to raise the children and keep the household in good condition (that can not just be one persons resposibility, unless you are a single parent).

I think that answer depends on the definition of "feminist" . . .

I am a SAHM and I do make my husbands lunch. He works hard.. very very hard to provide for our family, and I love being able to do stuff for him. I feel it as an honor to do little things for him, like making his lunch, doing his laundry, ect in gratitude for all he has/is doing for our family. I cant thank him enough for the wonderful gift he has given me by letting me be a SAHM.

N., I am so glad that you posted this. I read the question that you are referring to and was SICKENED by some of the answers that came out, particularly by two of the women who answered with such hateful spirits! You don't have to make your husbands lunch to be a good, loving wife!

My husband and I love doing things for each other because we care. Not because we are required to, or that the other person expects us to, and CERTAINLY not because society dictates that men and women must operate in certain roles.

I agree with you..... my husband and I both bring 100% to our marriage and I don't appreciate the implication that since I don't make my husband's lunches that I am headed for divorce.

I totally agree with you! I am not my husband's mother or servant and would never take care of him like he were one of my children. Heck I don't even pack lunch for my kids past a certain age - it's called life skills, and they all need to learn them. That's not to say that I won't do something nice and helpful for him, like put together some lunch items if I'm already making something for myself, but it means that there is certainly no expectation that I will do for him that which he is perfectly capable of doing himself.

One of the rough spots in our marriage is that my husband is, admittedly, immature. He described himself to a counselor as "the fifth child" and has said that "my wife is the only responsible adult in the house" but he knows this is an issue and works hard at fixing it. I expect to be married to an equal partner - I don't boss him around, treat him like a child, or let him boss me around and vice-versa. Yes we divvy up household responsibilities according to our schedules, strengths, and interests but at the end of the day, we are both 100% responsible for making this family run. If that means that I shovel snow off of the roof and he cooks dinner, so be it.

I am 100% confident that our children see that anyone is capable of anything. Dad cooks, does after-work-to-bedtime 2 nights a week, shuttles the kids to activities, studies spelling words, shops and does laundry. So do I. I hang holiday lights, maintain the pool, fix appliances, manage our finances, re-teach math lessons and work FT. So does he. This is, I think, the face of the new normal American family. There is no glory in women "doing it all" at home or work or *both* while dad goes to work, comes home, and relaxes all night. We're both in the trenches, sharing the fun stuff and dirty work equally, and raising kids who are expected to do the same.

And if someone calls me a feminist, I thank them!

I couldn't agree with you more. My husband's family always comments on how lucky I must be to have a husband that changes diapers, etc. My response - he wouldn't be married to me if he didn't! He willingly helps out - I'm not forcing him. He knows that this was expected of him when we got married - that responsibilities should be shared. Keep doing what you're doing and do what makes your relationship work!

I love this question, but am struggling with a response.

Short answer: believing and advocating for equal rights doesn't make someone a good or a bad wife/husband. In that, we all have very different ideas of what a good marriage/spouse is, because, as individuals, our needs and assets are different.

Long answer:

I am a feminist. I also work very hard to be a "good" wife/mother/friend/family member/community member/etc. Sometimes, and I'll be honest, I am not very good at any of those things. I try, and I work to improve. I'm still FAR from perfect.

I married the man that I did for a reason. I am able to be a (mostly) good wife for HIM. And vis versa. I am positive that if I was in a marriage with someone else we would both be sorely disappointed by ourselves and each other. Because what I offer, as an individual, wouldn't really appeal to some men/women. Likewise, what I offer as a friend wouldn't necessarily appeal to some. Those who are in my life are in it for a reason, we are a good fit. I am lucky to have found someone who is sweet on me and I for them. We work together. We both love each other, despite our flaws, and work to grow and improve as a team.

However, we have had many struggles regarding equality (chores to sex) in our relationship. We have been able to negotiate through them thus far, and it's an on going process...especially as who we are changes, our family changes and our relationship changes. So what is needed, expected, wanted and given has to shift as we all shift. What makes us "good" changes.

Sometimes I don't contribute 100%. This past year has been hell on earth for me and at times I'm doing my best just to stay in one piece. I've asked much more of my spouse than I did before. There are many days where I do the *bare minimum*. Not Awesome. If men cheated on women over a sandwich, believe me, he would have stepped out by now ;) Good thing that's not how it works...

Frankly, he hasn't always contributed 100% either. It's more of a give and take. Sometimes I do more, sometimes he does. It does manifest in sandwiches and cups of coffee, hugs and taking the kids out so that mom/dad gets a break. It's also much less tangible at times.

I don't make my husband lunch right now, but will start because his work schedule has changed. It's something I am capable of offering, something I can do to offer towards equality and balance in *our* relationship. He makes me a cup of (good) coffee every morning...even though he doesn't drink it himself. That one simple act is actually HUGE to me. It's a gesture of love. If I make him lunch, or do his laundry it can be a gesture of love. If I was always giving and never getting, or if the balance was off for too long, it would feel different for me. But right now, that's not the case. If anything, I need to step it up.

For me, equality and marriage are a work in process, and I learn as I go.

There is nothing wrong with you. A relationship where a couple gives and takes and helps each other out is a very healthy relationship. Also sometimes partners have different talents/gifts. My husband is a much better cook so sometimes he cooks. He helps me with cleaning. He always packs his own lunch since only he knows what he has a taste for each day. It doesn't bother him and I consider the most helpful husband out there. I here about about a lot of other husbands and I thank God every day for him. We respect one another. You are not a feminist. Some women take submission to such a severe extent that it is scary. The only thing I would hope is that this is something that you both are pleased with and that you both agreed on and no one forced the other to do them. Resentment is not a healthy emotion.

I am totally a feminist and a great wife, if I do say so myself. I think that we both give 100%, but they are different 100%'s. Yes, I do the cooking and the laundry, and he does most of the house care stuff. But that's cause it's what we're good at. I shudder at the thought of my husband cooking dinner : ) I wait on him hand and foot when he needs it, and he waits on me hand and foot when I need it. We are, more than anything, a partnership.

I do also wonder what is happening to feminist ideals, but I know that all I can do is live my life the best I can, raise my kids to believe that everyone can be whatever they want, and try to facilitate other women in realizing that they can be themselves first and wives second. But everyone will make their own choices based on what they think is best, and we'll all just keep chugging along.

I think people believe that wanting a partnership and equality makes you a feminist.
If you're also working outside the home, raising children and doing house work, why should he be any different? its fine to fixing lunch every once in a while, but why should you be expected to do it all the time? Is he expected to be the only provider in your household? does sharing fianantial responsability with you makes him less of a man?
Do these women that criticize you work outside the home also? If they don't, I know they have their plates full also, but they chose to make staying home their job and they may consider fixing luch for their husband part of that job, but for many of us, is just a ocassional thing we do to treat our husbands and not a must do on our list.
Any way, don't let their comments upset you, if you and your husband have a understanding that works for your family, that's all that really counts.
Good luck!

Wow - so many responses! My husband is the kind of guy who would have been happy to stay home with our son, but he made more money than I did. We split the responsibility of caring for our son, and as a result, my son has a beautiful relationship with his father. I didn't change a single diaper until after we came home from the hospital, and as soon as I was able to pump, my husband did one feeding in the middle of the night and I did the other. I can't imagine being in a relationship where we didn't share the responsibility of our child!

Because I am at home, I do tend to do most of cleaning the house and cooking, etc. so that we can enjoy time together on the weekends. I also mow the lawn, strip wallpaper, move heavy boxes to the attic, and put furniture together. My husband cleans up his own messes when he's home and does dishes, and he is usually the one to put our son to bed at night - by choice. I also sometimes pack a lunch for my husband! But because I want to not because I have to! It's the same as when my husband brings me a cup of coffee or makes me a snack. A nice gesture that always gets a big THANK YOU.

To me, being a feminist means letting both women and men do what they want to do and not requiring each other to fill certain roles. If a woman wants to fill a traditional role and she's appreciated for it, who am I to judge? But if a man wants to be a stay at home dad while mom is the breadwinner, that shouldn't be for anyone to judge either. As long as people respect and appreciate one another, their children will get the right messages.

Wow. I haven't read the question you are referring to ... but I have to say. I agree with you!

I'm a SAHM, because my husband and I came to a MUTUAL agreement that I would stay home with the kids and he would be the main provider of finances. Yeah, it's the "traditional" role ... but it was an agreement we both made. It had more to do with how we wanted to raise our kids and the fact that in his job he made more money, LOVES his job, and had more long term potential compared to what I was doing.

So... I do cook the majority of the meals and take care of the kids. But I do NOT pack his lunch. The closest I may get is putting a piece of leftover lasagna in a to go container and reminding him it's in the fridge! But that isn't even a regular occurrence.

We share the responsibilities with the kids and our home. My husband is often the one to give our 3.5 year old her bath while I tend to the 9 month old twins. My husband is often the one to throw in a load of laundry while I'm doing something else. It isn't a 50/50 relationship...but rather a 100/100 relationship. We both wear our big boy/girl panties and just do what needs to be done when we see it needs to be done.

I think being a good loving wife is supporting your husband. Being his partner. Being a confidant. Being someone he can trust and rely on. Being honest with him. Being able to enjoy yourself and have fun together. NOT waiting on him hand and foot. Sure, sometimes I will "wait" on him ... but it's more out of a loving spirit then feeling the NEED to make him king of the castle. And, the favor is often returned. He loves to do things for me as well. That's what it is about.

My husband travels a fair amount for his job... even being gone up to 2 weeks at a time in very interesting places. I never once worry that he is cheating on me.... even though I know he's had opportunities.

I think instead of taking the "feminist" or "1950's housewife" approach... we instead need to teach our children how to be respectful of those around them and just have a loving kind spirit towards one another.

Very interesting question and I admit I did not read all 40 responses! But I actually agree with you N.!
IN MY OPINION, it's the expectation of the perfect relationship that is responsible for so many unhappy marriages. The husband that never forgets a special event and the wife that is still expecting to be June Cleaver. Our 2 children (a 21 year old boy and 16 year old girl) see our relationship as a team effort, a partnership.

My mom was self employed and worked full-time as did my dad. But my dad never did anything around the house, ever! My mom still came home from work and fixed full-complete meals (when I didn't do it) did all laundry, housework and probably 80% of the yard work too. I don't think I really noticed the discrepancy of 'duties' until I was an adult and out of the house.

My husband was raised as one of 4 children (3 boys) by a SAHM and a workaholic career-oriented father. I adore my father in-law! All his hard work paid off and they both now enjoy a wonderful retirement. But my MIL was bound and determined that her 3 sons were going to be self-sufficent since my FIL can barely do anything for himself. They were raised to cook-clean-sew and even were given grocery lists that included feminine hygiene products! Out of the 3 boys, just his oldest brother fell into the "I'm the man of the house and I don't have to do anything but bring in the money" role.

So that's the background of my life and my almost 25 year marriage! I always intended to work. I had to pay my own way through college and I value my education. When I was working as a nurse we shared all responsibilities. I HATE to iron and quite honestly did not and would not iron for him while I was ironing my scrubs unless I had time and was in a good mood! So I do it now? Yes, but I no longer work outside the home. And before some of you say "see, she's not working, that proves our point" I do it because I'm at a different point in my life. I can set up the ironing board, pop in a movie and it's not the chore it used to be with 2 little kids, working 12 hour shifts. But my husband does not expect it. As a matter of fact, if he looks in the closet and doesn't see and ironed button down, he just reaches for a polo.
Yes, I do more things around here than I used to when I worked. But again, it is NOT expected nor do I feel I have to just to be a good wife and mother. I do it because I want to and have time. We are still a team, but our duties have shifted. And as far as the kids, I am not their maid either. They know that IF their clothes are in the laundry room when I am doing laundry, they will get done. Otherwise they do their own. We also have YOYO (you're on you're own) for dinner nights. Granted with little kids you can't do that, but it also shows that I don't have to cook every night. There have been a couple of times I declared YOYO just because I read all day!

I think it's your remark of you not being his mom that may have sparked such responses. (I didn't see your post )Where is the line drawn where you are just being equal or being his mom?
What is wrong to have expectations in your spouse to do certain duties? Whether it's pack and lunch or mow the lawn. Your a team. Everyone has their own responsibilities in the marriage.
I think as long a a person is thankful and grateful for someone's "services" all is well and plays no part on what sex or spouse they are.
C.

Completely agree with you. BTW both my husband and myself define ourselves as feminists. I hope my son will as well.

Eileen - I think N. views feminist as a positive. And she is one.

I'm positive you can be a feminist and a good wife. You can even choose to serve your husband as much or as little as you want and still be a feminist. Feminists are women who only work outside the home, or insist that household duties and childcare be split 50/50 perfectly. Feminism is about equal opportunities for everyone! Feminism is about offering the CHANCE to work outside the home if they CHOOSE to do so. If they don't CHOOSE to do so, AT LEAST THEY HAD A CHOICE! Years ago, women didn't even really have a choice. In the same sense, it is a feminist ideal to believe that men have a choice to stay at home with the kids and manage the house as opposed to being obligated only to work outside the home. Feminism isn't just about equal opportunities for women, it's about equal opportunities and decisions for all. Being a good wife is subjective to your relationship and as long as you are happy and comfortable with the choices you've made for your relationship, ou area good wife who is outright practicing her feminist values.

I think its a little incorrect of people to assume that feminism is only about women working and not taking care of their families. The whole principle behind feminism is so much more then that and even so-called non-feminists are practicing it's principles everyday through their ability to make decisions for their life as opposed to have society dictate your place for you.

This is a loaded question. :)
I guess one major question is who is defining the terms? Is it the wife? Or is it the husband? Or is it God? For me, I have to line up my thinking with what the Bible says, not what my own wisdom says is right. Of course, not everyone views life that way, so they would have their own definitions. But, that doesn't make them correct in their thinking. If a husband requires his wife to work FT outside of the home, then I don't think it is proper for him to expect her to work FT inside the home as well. Both would certainly have to pull their resources together to get things done around the house. I honestly don't know how I would be able to do that. I think I would have a really hard time if that was expected of me.
As it is, I am a FT homemaker. It is my job, as well as my privelege and honor to serve my husband and my children as best as I am able. I manage the running of the household. This does not mean that I *do* everything. I certainly can delegate tasks. I am training my children to work. They do much of the work in the home. We work together. My husband works outside of the home. He works very hard. I hate the idea of him coming home and having to do tasks here as well. On Saturday, he spends most of his day working on the property. He doesn't believe it is his day off, although he doesn't have his regular work to do. It is his day for fixing, mending, etc. around here. Our sons work right alongside of him, learning, working, fellowshipping.
I think most of us have such strong feministic ideas in our heads. Even those of us who despise the idea of being feminist can't really help it because we have been taught in the public schools by feminist teachers with a feminist curriculum. Even our churches, by and large, are strongly effected by feminist teachings. Do I think some good came out of the feminist movement. Yes. I think so. But, the only reason we had such a movement is because the men were sinfully ruling over their wives. It shouldn't be like that. We are really a mess. :) It's hard to know what is right because we look to the wrong standard to find our answers. Many people believe that being a SAHM taking care of your house and children is beneath women. But, if you do the exact same job and get paid for it, all of a sudden you are doing something worthwhile. You can be employed and work for another man for money and have value. But, if you work for your husband for the love of serving him, somehow you are to be pitied. I know I don't do enough for my husband. I wish I would be more selfless and serving for him. I fight the flesh daily.

Of course. But I'd prefer to use the term 'mutually agreeing' rather than insisting. :)
We have some more traditional gender roles in our household, but that's our preference, it works for us, and I certainly am not made to feel like 'laundry is the woman's job.'. Although I do tell him that putting furniture together is the man's job - even though he hates it, ha!
I wouldn't worry about some people's reactions - it's safe to assume that this is a community of widely differing values and perspectives. And 98% of us are dysfunctional in some way :).

My husband doesn't pack a lunch, so I cannot say that I do or don't pack his lunch, but I don't think there is anything wrong with packing one if the wife wants to and the husband appreciates it. I work full time, have 2 kids and travel a lot with my work. I consider myself a feminist and am trying to be a good role model for my kids. I love getting my husband coffee or cooking him breakfast or even washing his clothes. I wish I had more time to spend doing these things. I know he appreciates it, just as I appreciate it when he does other things, like make sure my car is serviced, snow blow our drive everytime it snows, mows the grass and never expects me to help with those types of things that I hate doing. I think it is balance and setting expecations that make a good marriage. It sounded from your comments that you were putting down the wife that packs a lunch or waits on her husband. You probably were just responding to what you felt was criticism coming at you. I think if a wife is a SAHM, loves to wait hand and foot on her husband and her husband is appreciative, then she can still be a feminist and wait on her husband hand and foot. I think both she and her husband are being great role models for their children as long as they respect each other.

Men and women have their roles and together as a married couple they are free to decide what works for them when they define those roles. I see nothing wrong in a couple sharing the load. Seems to make sense to me. I might even go so far as to say it sounds healthy.

I respect and submit to my husband and he honors and serves me in other ways. We make it work. I sometimes pack his lunch and he sometimes packs mine. We tend to share the load as well. If it works, I can't see how it could be so wrong.

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This reminds me of an episode from The Cosby Show that I loved. In this one, Clair and Cliff were in the living room with Theo's friend. This friend was insisting that the woman had a right place. Well, Cliff asked Clair if she would get him a drink or something and Theo's friend said someting along the lines of being waited on like the man should be. I loved it because Clair came back with the response that she was getting the drink because she wanted to, not because she was a servant or had to and that this friend better think again if he thought a woman had to serve him. I hope when my kids are older and married or just in a relationship they treat the other equally and do things for each other.

I'm a SAHM and i pack my husband's lunch, have food on the table when he gets home, the house is my work and the yard and everything outside is his work. However he does throw the trash, help me keep a clean house and we share the same responsibilities with our toddler. Now, if i were away at work like he is, everything would be 50/50 like u mentioned.

When we were trying so save money I would make lunch for my husband so he didn't have to spend lots of money in fast food. We only have one car so when he is not traveling and have to go to NY I wake up earlier to drive him to the bus and pick him up too.That didn't make me feel less of a women. Sometimes when my feet hurt he gives me a foot massage. When I was pregnant I use to call him so he can bring me water from downstairs, lol. I don't think he is less of a men.
I am not a feminist neither him a macho, we put attention of each other needs and try to help. Sometimes that will be make him lunch or he give me a foot massage.
But I get your point, my ex was such a macho, I did all the cooking, cleaning, wash clothes by hand, and never ever had any access to the bank accounts and he never move a finger in the house!
That is why he is my ex and that is why I have no problem doing my husband lunch specially after he gives me a foot massage.

I guess the answer would be up to the husband on whether or not he thinks she is a good wife. I do not make my husbands lunch, wash his clothes, or clean up after him. My husband is a big boy and HE is the one who says he can do this and does not need me to do this for him. I do occasionally throw some of his things in with mine or make his lunch, but for the most part, he wants and can do it himself. Oh, and I am far, far, far, from being a feminist!!

Yes. I am a firm believer in equality.

That said, if I were the SAHP in my family (my husband is a SAHD), I'd probably pack his lunch. I'd enjoy it and it would keep him from blowing $50/week on lunch. Of course, if he started to act like I was SUPPOSED to pack his lunch, then I'd stop.

Personally, I believe men and women have separate places in a family, and that each should serve where they were meant to. I do believe that women should stay home and take care of the children and the house, and most of what that entails, and that the man ought to go out and provide for his family, come home, and be a great source of strength and emotion support.

Do I take out the trash? Never. Does he do the dishes? Never. Do I pay for anything? Nope! Does he clean the toilet? Nope! Do I mow the lawn? Only if I want to! Do I put gas in the car? Nope! Haven't done it in years! And I LOVE IT!

Here's the thing...I was such and outrageous, "progressive" feminist in my teens and early twenties, and I thought I knew everything. However, I was pretty much miserable, and most women who live like that seem to be just as miserable.

Since my children came along, and I'm married, I absolutely love staying at home. All in all, I can keep my house spotless by spending an hour a day (and that includes laundry...two loads a day while I'm doing other things, fold at night while watching TV and it doesn't even count as time.) I get to spend all day with my lovely children, and I totally appreciate my time with my husband.

I don't see how any family where both parents work, by the way, can say that they are both "raising" their children. Nope. Day care is raising your children, and you are giving them supper, bathing them, and putting them to bed. Not the same thing.

It's just something I feel strongly about, and I have lived both sides of it. So I don't mean any offense at all, it's just MY OWN personal opinion. I figure if you are going to ask, you want people to tell the truth. And to each her own, I guess! Whatever works for you and your children and husband!

Are feminists allowed to care about their husbands wants and needs? I guess it depends on the feminist. If clamoring for equal rights means we cant do for our men what our mothers have always done for theirs then i suppose they cant. Ive met many strong women who like to please their man, but i would never call them feminists, i guess feminism has a stigma attached to it now.

THere's nothing wrong with it! In my opinion feminism is about freedom. I choose the kind of relationship you describe in your post. Others choose a more traditional role. How lucky are we, that we are free to decide?! All the Egypt/Libya news coverage ought to reinforce just how blessed we are. You're not a bad wife and the more traditional homemakers are not necessarily bad feminists!

I am a stay at home mom and still don't pack my husbands lunch for him! Shoot....Have the time I don't even cook a real meal for dinner cause I'm so busy with the baby during the day and busy with the kids homework and after school sports. We have talked about it cause I feel bad sometimes and he doesn't seem to care what he eats and even if he has to make it himself! He is a big boy and only he knows what he might be in the mood for at lunchtime! We have been married for almost ten years and are very happy. I cannot believe that someone would suggest that your husband is probably cheating on you and you will get divorced soon all because you don't pack his lunch! How does not packing him lunch have anything to do with his faithfulness to you? Shame on them for judging your marriage when they don't even know you!

I am a little of both and somewhat envy your position. I am a giver, so I tend to do things for my husband and when I start feeling he has been laying on the couch too often, I stop doing it and tell him he has time. I wash his clothes, but leave it downstairs so he can haul it up the stairs and put it away. Sometimes I make dinner and sometimes I just make a salad and he will have to pop open a can of Spaghetti-O's. He doesn't help with dinner because he screws it up.

He did live by himself before I met him, but he was no cook or house keeper and his Mother stayed home, so I gather he is used to being tended to.

If I don't pack him a lunch, he will eat an egg sandwich out of the convenience store, or he just won't eat.

I've probably made my husband's lunch a handful of times during the 10-years that we have been married. I happen to know that he completely adores me and is just not the type of guy who would ever cheat. I am at SAHM but my husband is self-sufficient kind of guy. I think that if you ask him, he would probably scoff at the idea that I'm a bad wife because I don't make him a ham sandwich each day. I think he would tell you that my character and why we "work" is more multi-dimensional than that.

For those moms that do make their husbands lunch each day, I mean no disregard to you. What works for you in your marriage is fine with me and I have no opinion about it. All I am saying is that I don't make my husband's sandwiches and he still loves me for who I am.

I am with you! Marriage is about loving and sharing.not being a servant. Roles have changed and as long as the two of you have worked it out that is what matters. The sharing may be lopsided at times due to circumstances outside your control and as long as you stay flexible and open to change I am sure you will be fine.

Omg.

We have been married for over ten years, and guess what?

He packs my lunch.

Our marriage, our relationship is an egalitarian partnership.

Other people may not understand it, it may not work for them, but it works for US. And that's what is important.

Keep your chin up. People often degrade what they don't know or what frightens them.

If your marriage is working for you, be happy and don't let the nay-sayers get you down. They don't know what they are missing!

I have a marriage like yours and we are coming up on 36 years!

Why is the word "feminist" being seen so negatively first of all? Women deserve to have rights and the freedom to speak up if they are unhappy, just as men do! Second of all, it's no one's business how you decide to run your household and relationship, so all the nasty comments are uncalled for. As long as you and your husband are happy and willing to share in the teamwork, people should keep their opinions to themselves and not resort to name-calling. These women are free to be submissive and do it all like Superwoman if they want to, but doing everything will eventually result in burn out so it's best to have some balance, which will also eliminate any resentment towards the other spouse who may be lying on the couch while you do it all. Honestly, it sounds like you found yourself the perfect husband who wants to be a part of the teamwork that goes into keeping a home. I have to say that I am jealous, but unlike the others making nasty comments who are also obviously jealous, I will envy you but will not trash you!

I too think that there is a middle line that we all have to reach. I want to eventually be a SHAM, but I'm not going to constantly clean up after my husband (I'm a single mom), he's a big boy. Although, on days that he is running late, or what not I'll do what I can do to make his morning easier, and I expect that of him too.
I actually think you are being a good wife. Not doing things like his mommy would have done. You are his wife, not his mom. By letting him do things for himself, it makes less stress for you, keeps him independent, and he can make his sandwich his own favorite way.

I am late responding and this is a complex subject, but I have heard and agree with the statement that you should not do anything for others that they can do themselves. My husband and children make their own lunch, pack their own suit case, put away their own clothes, have their own alarm clocks, starting at 5 yrs old etc. I do the things that I enjoy doing and like to do for the most part. I love and enjoy both my kids and husband. I am not the maid we all contribute and help. I was a stay at home mom for 6 yrs and now work outside the home but even when I stayed home I had everyone contributing. It just does not make sense to raise children that think that everything miraculously just happens. Children like to work and feel a part of things if they are brought up that way. They will make much more responsible adults. I have always had my own interests and hobbies. It is important for kids and husbands to see that you are more than the maid.

Love your question and the dialogue it sparks. I think the thing that struck me about your answer was what our husbands "expect" us to do. I believe that in a healthy relationship we do nice things for each other without them being an expectation or burden, but that there are certain chores that we just have to suck up and do - balancing them as much as possible, asking for help when necessary, without being resentful toward the other. I have to admit that I write this better than I live it, but we both work toward that goal evevry day :)

I am a SAHM/WAHM mom and my husband and I split most things. When he is home and I am working, he takes care of many things that need taking care of (getting kids to bed, cleaning up the kitchen) and when he is gone I do all that and everything that I need cleaned around the house or all the extras plus the bills and planning. It works for us. We both feel that if we give 100% of ourselves, we will have a better relationship so there is nothing off limit but there are things he tends to take care of or I do most of the time. We have had periods of time we had to adapt due to having a very sick child at times and having months where I was on bedrest with our middle child. It just works for us reaching our family's goals and raising our kids with me at home.

Also late in the game answering. :)
I believe that there are a couple different types of feminists. There are modern feminists who seem to give off this feeling that they hate men and they treat them like idiots--which is what our tv commercials and shows seem to try to prey on. It makes me angry to see society trying to make all men out to be bumbling idiots, because they aren't and it's disrespectful. If we want respect we should give it too.
There are the feminists who believe in equal partnerships, split everything down the middle--be equal.
Then there are the classic feminists who want to do everything for their husbands on a home level and they expect the men to be the classic men and provide for the family and take care of the yard and trash.

I tend to feel anyone who falls in the last 2 catagories is playing it pretty healthy. If you and your husband are happy with your marriage and there isn't any reason to worry about what other people are saying. I tend to do alot around the house, but he's helped out alot since I had to get a job so he could finish grad school. But I tend to defer to him on major decisions that effect the whole household and we are happy. Some people like to treat me like I'm abused, because I like him making most of the decisions, but it's what makes me happy, I'm not an overly dominant personality and I am comfortable with that. If you are your husband are happy and healthy, then go with it :)

I consider "feminism" to be respect for women - as in women are equally human with equal rights and responsibilities. It means that I have the right to choose whether and where to go to work, and I (should) have the right to be paid equivalently to a man. It does not mean that I am required to work or required to choose a lifestyle that does not fit me. My husband and I have talked on many occasions about money earning and household tasks and family. I do not want to work in the field I have a degree in. I spent several years doing that (in various settings with various people) and hated it. Right now, I want to be staying at home with my toddler and helping him to be his own little person. We have agreed that we can afford this, so as a family unit, this choice works for us. But that doesn't mean that my husband is in charge of the house and gets to make all the decisions. It means that my current family role is caring for our child(ren). At the end of the day, my toddler is alive, fed, and wearing a reasonably clean diaper (on good days, he's also happy and has learned some things and had a fun day with mommy, but some days that doesn't happen). This is my job (and the one I chose). Sometimes I get frustrated with it, but for the most part, it is enjoyable and fulfilling to me. Anything I accomplish on top of that is good, and helps our household run smoothly, but it's not critical. I end up doing most of my husband's laundry (in part because he wanted to get the fancy washer with all the buttons so now he's not sure how to run it), and cooking dinner just about every night, but I don't prepare his lunch in the mornings or keep track of his computer or do dishes most of the time. Because this is the setup that works for us. When I'm not feeling well, this means that either dinner is a quick and easy meal or he has to cook. If he's really busy at work, I have to step up and do more dishes. Our marriage is a partnership of give and take on what works for us. I know a couple where the wife hates cooking and doesn't know how, but the husband enjoys it, so he cooks dinner most of the time. But she likes taking care of the lawn while he would rather be cleaning the house. So their split isn't along gender lines, it's just what works for them and they have decided is fair and equitable.

So I guess in short - I consider myself a feminist and a SAHM. Because I believe feminism advocates for my right to choose to be a SAHM if that's what I want to do and I can do it in our family/financial situation.

I could not help but ask my husband jokingly if I was a good feminist and good wife at the same time. He looked at me with the most "what a stupid question" face and answered an emphatic "Yes". I am both.
We've been happily married for almost 16 years, together for a good deal more years before that.
Yes, I'm a SAHM so I try to do a little more house stuff since he has to spend some of his hours a week actually working so we have money but we both do what needs to be done to take

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I could not help but ask my husband jokingly if I was a good feminist and good wife at the same time. He looked at me with the most "what a stupid question" face and answered an emphatic "Yes". I am both.
We've been happily married for almost 16 years, together for a good deal more years before that.
Yes, I'm a SAHM so I try to do a little more house stuff since he has to spend some of his hours a week actually working so we have money but we both do what needs to be done to take

Updated

I could not help but ask my husband jokingly if I was a good feminist and good wife at the same time. He looked at me with the most "what a stupid question" face and answered an emphatic "Yes". I am both.
We've been happily married for almost 16 years, together for a good deal more years before that.
Yes, I'm a SAHM so I try to do a little more house stuff since he has to spend some of his hours a week actually working so we have money but we both do what needs to be done to take

Amen! Sometimes I feel like I'm one of the few women on this site that feels that responsibilities should be shared. I'm a sahm so I do most of the work with regards to the house and kids during the weekdays, but certainly expect my husband to do his share after work and on weekends. He does, most of the time:) And if not, then I ask him to and he does. I want my sons to see that we work together to support our family. Thanks for posting!

Yes. I consider myself a feminist in that I believe we are all equal. My husband considers himself a feminist. The word feminist unfortunately has so many negative meanings for so many people. I don't pack my husband's lunch but if he wanted me to I'd be happy to. I don't think it would cross his mind to ask me to pack his lunch though! We share responsibilities as much as we can although since I am being a SAHM right now I am doing more of the house and child type work than he is. But you know, there are men out there that are not like my husband...they are a completely different creature. I get that. I don't want a man like that. But many women find that kind of man very sexy/attractive. Anyway - everyone is different and I'm happy I have the kind of marriage that I have.

What an excellant question. I extremely believe that a man should be able to do things for himself. There is nothing wrong with him packing his own lunch or putting his own breakfast together, etc.. I love my husband very much but I like to sleep in on Saturdays and when I do he fixes his own breakfast! He helps me around the house. It's not good for a man to be treated like a baby, so many men do and they love it. I don't think it's so cute. A man is a man when he can do things on his own! Little boys should be taught to help out their mom around the house, that is the only way they will grow up knowing that they too can lend a hand in the home. By doing so, your not only showing them to help out, your showing him how to respect a woman! I am expecting a boy soon and for sure I will teach him and show him to help me out.

I know I'm coming late to the game,and I have renjoyed reading all the responces, but I just wanted to put my two cents in. I also believe that marriage is meant to be an equal partnership, and that both husband and wife should be giving 100% to one another. I also think that it is a bad idea to try to keep score in a marriage, like 'I changed the baby's last diaper, you have ot change this one' or 'I made dinner last night so tonight it's your turn.' The problem with trying to keep score and be totally equal in everything is that you become so consumed with it that you forget to just be loving and giving of yourself, and to be understanding when your partner has had a really hard day and needs a little extra help. Of course you may at times need to tell your partner that today I really need some extra help from you! If you've been understanding of their needs in the past they will be more understanding of yours. So I think that as long as you approch your marriage with love and understanding and a commitment on both sides to give your all, you will find true joy in marriage!

Wow - you have sure gotten both sides of the coin on this one. I find it pretty insane for someone to say that if both parents work, daycare is raising your child. Some of us put in the effort to work schedules that allow at least one parent to be home with the kids. I spent two years working nights and swings so that I could maintain my career and my child would not have to go to day care.

I think that is what it is about in a marriage - my husband and I both make sacrifices in the interest of succeeding in our mutual goals - childrearing, maintaining our home, etc. At the moment, I am staying home with the kids and my husband is deployed - both of us are making big consessions to make it work. When he is not deployed, be both contribute to the upkeep of our home. In our married life, my husband has NEVER done any kind of lawn care -mowing, raking, etc. I do that. I enjoy it. He cooks - he loves to cook, I hate it. I do laundry and sweep/mop. He vaccumes.

We went through the tasks that we need to accomplish and each choose to do the things that the other one hates doing, because that is a way we can show we care for eachother. I think that men have a role in the home and women can fill more roles than maid/mother. The most important thing is to marry someone who sees it the way you do so that you can both be satisfied with the way each partner is contributing to the family.

I also think that every marriage goes through seasons. At the moment, 100% of the childrearing, home care work is on my shoulders while 100% of the income earning is on my husband. This makes both of us uncomfortable and is not healthy for our children. But this too shall pass and we will have an opportunity to re-define our roles as the next stage hits.

Men and women will never be 100% equal - we have different strengths, weaknesses and plumbing. Successful marriages take 2 individuals and play off of eachother to magnify the strengths and minimize the weaknesses of the 2 individuals to accomplish more than either could do by themselves. Each couple will do this differently, and judging what works for another couple as bad/amoral/sinful/wrong doesn't seem particularly productive for anyone.

I will get off the soap box, but I think the point is that if your marriage is working, keep it up :)