C Section Sadness for Supermom

There is a great group here in colorado called ICAN- the International Cesarean Awareness Network.
We get together once a month and talk about birth and kids and everything else. It's a great group of women and birth fanatics who want to support everyone in their birth choices and it's a great place to meet other women who have gone through c-sections are are processing the whole experience just like you are.

Our next meeting is tomorroow night- Feb 6th and I am actually doing a class on infant massage.
It will start at 6:30 at the Highlands United Methodist Church at 3131 Osceola Street in Denver. We aren't affiliated with the church- they just let us have meetings there for free.
You can also visit the website at www.icanofcolorado.org or the national site at www.ican-online.org
And feel free to contact me if you have questions or concerns.

M.

Hi H.,

Hugs to you as you sort through these feelings. There is nothing wrong with you, and your reaction to the way your babies came into this world is much more common and normal than it seems many posters here would like you to believe.
Please do not let people tell you how you "should" feel or that "all that matters is a healthy baby" or "fifty years ago, you would have died in childbirth" or "you should be grateful" and so on. All these pat responses discount your feelings and your feelings exist for a reason. I implore you to explore them and not just push them back down. Especially if you plan to have more children as the risks go up with each repeat Cesarean surgery. VBAC is still a very safe *choice* for you- even after two Cesarean surgeries. The reasons for both Cesareans were different. You are not to blame. You are not broken. You did not do anything wrong. Stop punishing yourself and start looking for answers to your answerable questions.

I second the ICAN meeting recommendation. ICAN meetings are a safe place to not only talk about the feelings you described above (it is amazing how speaking them out loud helps us move on) but also to feel less alone. Everything that you have written here, I've heard other women say in ICAN. Some of the feelings you describe are similar to the symptoms of someone suffering from Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), so it is obvious that this has affected you deeply. I encourage you to get to the bottom of your feelings. Follow your gut...

A sister of the scar who went on to birth at home!

Sending you healing vibes!

Dear H.,

No doubt you are thankful for your healthy children. It seems that you still have very real feelings of grief, anger, and disappointment about the loss of your ideal birth experiences. I acknowledge your feelings and admire you for reaching out for help to sort through them. My personal and professional belief is that there is a biological reason why women feel this way after having had traumatic births.

I suggest looking into the writings of obstetrician Michel Odent, M.D. In particular, his books Birth Traditions & Modern Pregnancy Care, Entering the World : The De-Medicalization of Childbirth , and The Nature of Birth and Breastfeeding may help you to understand what happened during your births and why you feel the way you do.

I also echo the suggestion made by Miranda to look into attending your local ICAN chapter meetings. You can look here: http://www.ican-online.org/ to find one in your area.

And finally, you may find that speaking to a therapist with a specialty in perinatal psychology can be very helpful. The Association for Pre- & Perinatal Psychology & Health http://www.birthpsychology.com/ would be a good place to visit and look for someone in your area. LifeCircle Counseling is also a good resource http://www.lifecirclecc.com/index.html

I wish you comfort and strength as you go through your struggle to achieve wellness in body and mind. If you would like to share your story with me personally, please feel free to email.

Warmly,
K. L.
Apprentice Midwife, CLC, CCE, Doula
____@____.com

www.thefamilyjourney.org

I am not sure why you feel like a vaginal delivery is "the right way". I am a labor and delivery nurse and I deliver many patients that feel like a C section is a failure, but that is not the case. If God had only intended for vaginal births He would not have given us the technology to find out about breech babies and He would not have allowed us to figure out how to do C sections. I understand the desire to feel labor and know what others are talking about with regard to the birthing experience, but you have another birthing experience to talk about. You had major abdominal surgery twice to get the children you have. I think that is very selfless, to put yourself through a major surgery twice for the unborn child that you were carrying. Doing the "right thing" happened already by the time you get to the delivery room. "The right thing" is taking care of yourself during pregnancy and making sure you are ready to deliver a healthy baby. There is no "right" way to deliver your baby except the way that ends in a healthy baby. Regardless of your desire to have a vaginal birth you put the health of your baby first and that is the "supermom" thing to do. You have done the "right thing" and birthed your baby "the right way". There is no reason to feel like a failure for being selfless and putting the needs of the baby first. They are both beautiful children, right? They both love their mom, right? Then you have done it all right! If you need to talk to someone more please feel free to email me privately and we can get together.

Kim

____@____.com

You have Celiac disease? A new thing I am hearing a lot lately. My cousin and her daughter have the same problems and are using an alternative method called NAET Nambudripad's Allergy Elimination Techniques. Like; Old Chinese methods, kinesiology, acupuncture/ acupressure, nutritional management, and a specific type of spinal manipulative procedure from chiropractic to accomplish ALLERGY ELIMINATION. You can learn more about it at http://www.naet.com . You can contact Kimberly Wagstaff, RN, NAET Certified in Allergy and Pain Relief. ####-###-#### or email ____@____.com So if you would love to eliminate your allergies, just take some time to talk to her. She is very nice and respectful. She could help you find someone in your area. Your body is missing something. So I bet these mood swings are a reaction to that. Kim will tell you some more things that you will find ironic toward what you are going through. Just call her I promise you will feel better about things if you do.
Sincerly M. F.

Hey H., don't beat yourself up.....when the dr. first examined me when I became pregnant, he told me that I had a narrow pelvis and would probably have to have a c section delivery and nine months later she was so far up in my rib cage and I was narrow as ever.so I had to have a c-section...I was dissapointed too and said "dr. this is just not natural and he said "Mother nature is a b.....and I said what would have happened 100 years ago...he said well, we may have lost you or the baby or both....so, a c=section it was...I had post partum during and after the birth....and for almost tw0 years..not over a c-section , me and pregnancy didn't mesh as far as hormones and my mind..plus, lots of women get wrecked down there....where the baby is so huge that it makes the bladder fall and stretches the vagina to where intercourse can't be felt....I like knowing my vagina is the same size as always and that I won't have to have my bladder stapled up...rejoice in the children...they are miracles and no matter how they got here,,,,they are here and the past is gone...

You are normal, nothing is wrong with you. Be thankful we have medical resources when having babies "naturally" is not so easy. Espcially in your situations. Imagine if you were not able to have a c section what could have gone wrong. Are you married? If so please try talking to your husband about all of your feelings and get his support!! You still gave birth to your kids... it doens't matter how they got here c section or "natural". You sound like a great mom try not to waste precious time concerned about what you can't change. I also had post partum issues and felt like I was crazy for about 6 months post partum. Don't be afraid to talk to other moms becuase A LOT of us felt this way after having babies. Blessings to you!

All I could think about when I was reading, was how wonderful it is that we have the technology that we do, what might of happened if you couldn't have a c-section. Have you talked to a therapist about how you are feeling? I have had problems with depression and other mental illnesses (anxiety, ADD, I think they all come together) and I know how you feel. I want to be the mom who has it all together, but I know that I in no way am, and that I need to not apear to be. After almost eight years of being a mom I've decided to accept it and just do the best I can. I would rather look like a wreck than make someone feel intimidated because I apaer to be perfect. When I see a mom who apears to have it all together I assume she's hiding something. We all feel the presure of having to be perfect. I could be wrong, there could be moms out there who can do everything and love it, but for my sanity I choose not to believe it;)As far as depression, I've taken a vitamin supplement called empower, you can find out about it at truehope.com. It is amazing! Therapy also really helped me. It's nice to talk to someone who won't judge you and can help you figure out a way to get through your problem. Anyway, I hope this helps -Lori

Dear Supermom - sometimes your own mind and spirit can make you feel not so "SUPER." Anyway, the negative spirits and feelings are rotten fruits of the devil. You need to allow those rotten fruits to fall from your strong and fruitful tree. I had an emergency "C-Section" due to being unable to dilate past 7 with my first child after 23 hours of labor. I, too, felt I slightly failed after preparing to push. The goal with my second child was a V-BAC, read all about it and planned to push.....4 months into my pregnancy, I had severe back pain and was rushed to the hospital....test showed that I will probably have problems dilating again and was asked to plan another C-Section. I was not angry, I accepted that was the way God made my body to work.....just think, a vaginal birth could have killed me and then I would be unable to care for my lovely and wonderful children. My daughter is 7 and my son is 2 and I am very, very, happy. I look at my scar with delight as my battle wound to bring my children into this world because not everyone can handle a C-Section. Sweetie, there is no "wrong" way to give birth - it’s a blessing. You don't need meds, you need to accept yourself as you are. Look in the mirror and tell yourself - I Love YOU for who you are. Hope this helps.....this is from experience!

I had a C-section and felt the same way. But over time, I realized that isn't what matters at all. I've got a beautiful daughter who means everything to me. So give it some time, and you'll feel better. Doesn't hurt to talk with a therapist either.

H. there is nothing wrong with you. Infact you seem normal to me. I have three kids and my last was an emergency C-section. It was awful. I also went through post-partum depression and have horrible anxiety. I have needed to be on medication many times to "feel o.k." with myself. Girl your not the only one. I sometimes feel like you do. I am also a very together person "on the outside" inside I struggle. For me it didn't just start because of the C-section. I beleive the emotional feelings go deeper then that. They just come out when something traumatic has happend in your life. It's difficult being a mother. Especially when you have high expectations of yourself. You as well as most mothers want to be the "supermom" of the world. I want to be the perfect Mother to my children as well as being the perfect wife.We want everything to run smoothley in our lives. Sorry to say it doesn't exsist. That has been a hard concept for me to grasp. S. m

Hi H. I'm soory to hear your having a hard time. I just wanted to tell you that from reading what you wrote it sounds like you did do what nature intended. You gave birth to your children. You did the hard work and it paid off. The births were nonvaginal but you worked hard and delivered your children into the world. The pregnancy, the birthing its hard and worthwhile work and you should be congratulated for navigating them so well. I say congratulations. Your body did its job. You did your job. You worked hard, you love your children. Mothering and loving and being so filled with nurturance is a huge job. I feel crushed sometimes by the weight of all this. I feel unable to meet the demands the world places on me because I am a woman at times. We need to remember that we meet these demands on our terms and in our way and we give everything we can to our kids. That means alot. It means everything. Good work.

You sound like a great mother! I think every mom needs to have their postpartum feelings validated. I have a 2 month old and struggle every day to cope with the feelings that I don't think I should have. I wish that society would TALK about this! Also, I don't believe that there's a "right" way to have a child... so many unexpected things can happen. I understand why you would want to experience natural childbirth. I haven't had a c-section but with my last child was very close and I was terrified. I'm sure I would have felt like you do. I guess you just have to be thankful that your child is ok (which I'm sure you do) and accept that c-sections are necessary in a lot of cases... just look at how many women have them! I know it would be much more fulfilling to accept that you're a wonderful mother.... and that there's nothing wrong with you or the way you feel :]

I am sorry you feel that way! My last child was a c-section and it got to me a little too. However there is such a thing as surgical depression this happens after the docs go inside your body. Don't ask me why but it has happened to me every time I have had surgery. There are a few things you can do to get rid of it. First take a good B complex vitamin. This will help with all the feeling that seems to overwhelm you. Second there is nothing wrong with you or your body! You have made a perfect little person all complete noting missing nothing extra. They way we get the little guys out is of no matter as long as they are in good shape. Having a c-section for your baby was a great sacrifice on your part. You did what was needed to save your baby. That to me is a wonderful thing to do. Good luck my dear. Please please try the B complex it really works good!

While I don't think most women want to have a c-section they do happen. I had a c-section with my son (after an arduous 40 hour labor). While my birth did not go in a way I could have imagined I am so happy to have my son. I look at it in this way. Had it been a hundred years ago when medical technologies are not what htey are today I would have most likely died along with my son... if that's what nature intended I am glad we avoided it.

I know it's not what you wanted but you have to look at it from the perspective of what you got and what hte alternative would have been had you not done that -- it most likely would not be the wonderful family you have today.

Best wishes
L.

I had some pretty serious regrets from my past that I couldn't seem to get over until I attended a seminar called The Landmark Forum. It has COMPLETELY transformed my life! I seriously felt so guilty about some things I had done that I almost hated myself. Now every day is a joy, and my anxiety is almost totally gone. You can check it out at www.landmarkeducation.com. Good luck! You can e-mail me at ____@____.com if you have any questions!