Bullying Question?

Updated on May 19, 2009
K.B. asks from Liberty Center, IA
10 answers

My son is 8, for the past year we have been dealing with a child at school (we attend a private christian school) who has been name calling (filthy cuss words) and physically knocking his hat off, etc. We have spoken to each of the teachers in the past years and have now been in the office to the principal about him, I was told basically 'yea, everyone has issues with him, he just can't get along wiht anyone'. We agreed to keep them apart in class, etc, but how to deal with this on the playground, which is where it is all happening? Doesn't the bullying law make them responsible to take care of this rather than just shrug their shoulders and call the parents again???

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C.K.

answers from Minneapolis on

I would tell the school that you want them to facilitate a "mediation meeting" between you, other concerned parents, and the bully's parents. It's gone on for too long, and the bully's parents either need to get their child under control, or remove him from the school.

If the school refuses any sort of mediation meeting, then I would let the school know that I would be contacting the bully's parents on my own. If that is the case, write up some sort of letter (keep it polite and fact-based) and you sign it along with all the other concerned parents. Mail it via certified mail to the bully's parents.

If things continue, yes, involve the cops. If an adult was doing this behavior, they would long since be arrested.

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S.B.

answers from Minneapolis on

I actually just had this same issue with my 9 yr old. What I did was write an email to the school explaining what I knew of the situation and requesting a full investigation of the matter. I do think it makes a difference when you do things in writing - it forces their hand a little more, because if push comes to shove (no pun intended), you have written documentation to back it up. After writing my email to the school, action was taken immediately.

I don't know that the State's bullying "laws" apply directly to your school, since it is a private school which often has their own by-laws. However, you can get a copy of your school's by-laws and code of conduct and highlight the portion that deals with conduct and the school's policy on it (usually there is a specific section that deals with what the school's response is when a student doesn't meet conduct criteria) and schedule a meeting with the principal/dean of students to discuss the matter.

If you really don't get any results from the above, you have the right to contact the police and file a report. While this seems "over the top," zero tolerance means zero tolerance.

Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful
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B.H.

answers from Minneapolis on

My daughter was removed from public school for this very reason after a restraining order on a parent and their child and a principal who did nothing. We put our daughter into a private school. Problem solved. I know it wouldn't be tolerated at her new school, and I pay darn good moneny now for my daughter's education if we did have a bully problem and it wasn't taken care of I'd find a new school to throw my money at. Private schools are hurting big time right now with enrollment. Go down and demand this problem be stopped, demand if this child can't behave that he be perm.expelled. And if it comes down to it REMOVE your child spend your money elsewhere.

1 mom found this helpful
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M.T.

answers from Davenport on

I absolutely agree with all of the advice given so far on appropriate steps within formal processes. My next line of advice may not be extremely popular, but I completely believe it. Your child must be taught to stand up for themselves & to be forceful about it. We have taught our 8yr old son to stand up for himself verbally since he began school at age 5 and we first dealt with bullies. Let's all face the facts - we all deal with bullies and it'll never go away. Bullies will only pick on the weakest of children and/or those they are most jealous of. We have taught Clayton that often the bullies are sad individuals, so he should understand the sadness behind it, but also not put up with it. Absolutely follow processes such as speaking to the Teachers, parents, Administration, etc. But at the same time, your child should be equipped with your encouragement. He/She should be taught to stand tall, look a bully straight in the eye and say something like "I'm don't like when you ________ to me, and I'm not going to take it anymore" - saying it forcefully. 9 times out of 10, when a bully is confronted with a strong resistence, they will stop, or unfortunately, move on to another victim.

About a year ago, there was an incident at the park 4 houses down from us. I was mowing the grass, Clayton went down to play basketball with a few of his friends. A bully picked & picked on him - he put the steps in place. He ignored it...then told him that was enough and he wasn't going to take it anymore. Then when the Bully became confrontational, Clayton said he was going home. As he walked away, the Bully made fun of him & pushed him down. Clayton stood up, walked right up to him and said "I told you I had enough - stop being a Bully, no one likes that." When the boy pushed him again, Clayton grabbed him by the front of the shirt and said "It's time for you to go home now, none of us are going to play with you anymore unless you stop being so mean." The other boys stood up to after Clayton made the 1st bold move. They chimed in "Yeah - go home, we're not playing with you!" Clayton said the little boy ran home crying. We walked down to his house later and spoke to his parents and the child. Clayton apologized for grabbing him, but said that he felt like he had to stick up for himself and the other children. The boy's parents told Clayton they understood, and then asked the boy to apologize as well. They have played together fine ever since. Not without issue of course, but the boy knows that when he starts being aggressive, the other children pull away.

I guess I just feel that sometimes, the best defense is a strong offense. In no way, shape or form do I EVER condone my son getting physical. BUT - I will continue to support him sticking up for himself when pushed into a corner & will equip him with the tools and skills necessary to be defensive.

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J.C.

answers from Minneapolis on

In my opinion you are paying for your child to go to school there so not only are you a parent of a school you are also a customer of this school. Just like if you were unhappy with the service at a store you should be able to complain and expect that your issue is handled in a satisfactory manner. Good luck, don't let your child be a victim.

Attached is a link to a brochure on how to deal with bullying released by Dakota County that might help you to talk with the school.

http://www.co.dakota.mn.us/HealthFamily/ReportingAbusePre...

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P.W.

answers from Minneapolis on

The school has a LEGAL and moral obligation to protect your son.

IA Dept of Education bullying resources: http://www.iowa.gov/educate/index.php?option=com_content&...

National Center for Bullying Prevention
http://www.pacer.org/bullying/resources/index.asp

Bullying–Notifying School Administrators of Harassment Concerns http://www.pacer.org/publications/bullypdf/BP-5.pdf

Record Keeping and Bullying http://www.pacer.org/publications/bullypdf/BP-3.pdf

Common Views about Bullying
http://www.pacer.org/publications/bullypdf/BP-1.pdf

Talk with Your Child about Bullying
http://www.pacer.org/publications/bullypdf/BP-2.pdf

Good luck to you and your son!

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S.W.

answers from Wausau on

K.,

This is so unacceptible! School staff are more and more just letting this kind of stuff go, unnoted!!! This bully may be the next child to bring a gun to school. You never know. Bullying is such a hard thing for kids to go through. They end up having low self esteem and just feel badly about themselves. If I were you, I'd raise heck, and demand that some sort of consequence should come about of this. And, there is no reason a child should be swearing...he sounds like a bad influence for all the children.

Good Luck

S.

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D.L.

answers from Rapid City on

If it doesn't stop K. - I'd been talking to a lawyer and having the lawyer confront the school with a lawsuit! This is wrong AND against the law. By law, every child AND adult should be protected in their school setting. If nothing is being done, you need to seek counsel right away. It is not fair to your child to be subjected to bullying and feeling unsafe in his learning environment.

Best Wishes,
D.

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A.L.

answers from Minneapolis on

I agree with the other advise that's been posted. Raise a huge stink. We had the same issue at a "Christian" school and went through all sorts of steps to get it remedied, pointing out their policies in their own school handbook, taking it all the way to the board and raising quite a stink. Nothing was done and we pulled our kids out (along with about 50 other families!) and researched schools and interviewed principals and put them in a public school that we knew would not let that kind of stuff go. We have been there for three years now and it is the best thing we've ever done. I don't know where you live but if you want to contact me I'll give you the name of the school - they do open enrollment - if you get to the point of switching. Bullying will never be an issue again if you attned a school with a policy like ours. They even have speakers come in several times a year to talk about bullying and how to handle it - our kids absolutely love their school and thrive there - it's great.

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M.S.

answers from Sheboygan on

I don't know what the bullying laws are in your state, but it's worth some research on your part, so you have something to back up your demands with the school.
I would definitely insist that the school handle this in a "no tolerance" way. What's the point of sending your son to a private religious school if he hears a kid swearing and behaving in an un-Christian way?! What's the policy on that?! And if the child is such a problem for other kids, why is he still at the school?
How you/school handle this depends on what kind of staff is available...guidance dept? School counselor? School-wide bullying lesson plan? If your demands aren't met, take out the "big guns" and threaten to pull your son out of the school and send him to another. For private schools, tuition is usually the one thing that gets them motivated. Just be sure you're prepared in case they call your bluff.

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