Bullying at preschool...please Help!

This happens from time to time with my son. He doesn't like the "naughty boys" as he calls it, but the next week, they are playing and friends again. With him, I think it's just learning the social boundaries and I think all kids in a social situation like daycare put up with a little bit of it at some point. Anyway, I told him to NEVER hit or push first, but if someone hits or pushes him first, to defend himself. You can't control the other kids, but you can do things with him that boost his self-confidence- like martial arts or sports. Hope things get better...

Wow, In my opinion the teacher needs to stop it as it happens. In my daughter's preschool, the teachers always said you don't need to invite everyone home for dinner but at school everyone is friends and acts in a polite way to each other. (her way of telling them what respect was in a way they could understand). In my opinion it is happening this early because for some reason adults don't stop it (parents or teachers). Can you talk to the director of the preschool? This teacher really needs to be incontrol and setting the expectation that this behavior is not allowed or you need to pull your son out of this preschool.

In my daughters pre school they taught about "lockouts" which is the official term fro what you describe. They used Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer as an example. If she saw it happening she just said we don't have lockouts please include everyone or playtime is over. What is your teacher doing while this goes on? Is there more that one adult in the room. You do not need to read any books the teacher needs a kick in the butt. This is the teachers responsibility and she is remiss. Good luck.
PS I really dont think her answer is the best way to deal with this. SOOOO is there a different school for you?

Private schools live & die by word of mouth, I'm surprised that more wasn't done before your child started screaming. My mom has taught preschool for over 20 years in a private school & even when she taught in a public school that got the majority of its kids from a battered women's shelter that behavior wasn't tolerated (she had lots of drug babies, kids who had been abused & had problems getting along w/others...). I've taught my boys to use their words ("I don't like it when you...", "it hurts my feelings when you..") & if that doesn't work the first time-get louder. If it doesn't work a second time & walking away doesn't work either, tell a grownup. Your poor baby needs to learn to stand up for himself because he'll come into contact w/kids-and grownups unfortunately-like this in the future. Google books about bullying in his age group & books about standing up for yourself. Hopefully you'll find ones you can read to him.
As for the school, ask about their bullying policy-ours has a zero tolerance policy at any age. First offense is suspension. Pushing is something to be concerned about, because if it's not stopped now they could keep doing it, or escalate. I'm not sure that taking away playtime (that they desperately need to get their crazies out & refocus to learn more) will work-I would think that would only make them more antagonistic. I would ask to schedule a conference w/the teacher & a guidence counselor if the school has one so you "can all work together to ensure this doesn't continue, for safety's sake". Let the teacher-and higher up if necessary-know that you're concerned for his safety w/these other boys in the class & that's the reason you're pursuing it, not to rat out the teacher or make her look bad.
Keep telling him he didn't make bad friends, some kids don't know how to play well w/more than one or two friends at a time.
Look for playgroups near you outside of school. If he develops friendships outside of his school w/other kids, he'll see that those boys are the exception & not the norm.
And the bratty kids whose parent's didn't apologize or make their kids apologize... think back to when you've dealt w/bratty kids in your past, or grownups you know who have bratty kids... the saying goes "children live what they learn". If you think on it, you'll probably find that the bratty kids have bratty parents too.

Honestly it sounds like a crappy school with kids who aren't well brought up..sure kids bully sometimes but this just sounds icky..i would move my son to a new school that isn't so small..and put this all behind you..not that running is always the best answer but i wouldn't want my child picking up these habits and this is obviously affecting both of you..so move on..get out of there.
good luck sorry this is happening to your little one

xo

D.

PRIVATE PRE SCHOOL? 4 BOYS?? PARENTS NOT APOLOGIZING AND TEACHER WAS LAME DUCK??!!! Omg I would be so po'ed.

My daughter was at a private preschool last year. The kids were spoiled and bratty. This year, she's at a Christian school. The parents are more working class and strict. The kids are WAY NICER. But at any rate, I hear you on not being able to switch right now.

I already taught my kids (daughter almost 5, son almost 3) how to handle bullies, and so far they both do it. And I'm planning to keep close tabs for as long as they're in school.

I started when my son was barely 2 1/2. There was a 3 year old hitting him frequently in my gym daycare. My son is very disciplined and knows not to hit, whereas this kid would just get time outs and continue hitting. It really hurt me to see my son getting hit and crying. So I explained to him how to hit back. Not kidding. We had a game, where I told him to hit back and yell "Stop it!!!" and we practiced on each other. He still looked sort of scared of the kid the next time we went, but I reminded him at the daycare (in front of the mom) "Remember, hit him really hard if he hits you and be sure to yell STOP IT just like we practiced." She gave me a dirty look. WHATEVER. I smiled at her. She quit coming after her son hit a newborn in the face with a toy and her dad flipped out.

For my daughter, when she was about 3, a girl was bossing her around at the park. Forcing her to play some game and chiding her about being slow and yanking her around. My daughter was getting teary eyed and didn't want to play, which I was prepared to ignore-all in a day's fun after all, don't want to be a hover mom, but I noticed my daughter looking insecure, like she felt she had to do what the girl said, and I knew she needed to learn to stand up for herself. The girl's mom was texting. I called my daughter over (again, ear shot of the mom) and said, "Ok, see how that girl is not playing nicely and she's bossing you around? You do NOT have to play with her. Just say NO!!! and run away." The girl continued to grab my daughter's jacket and yank her, and I said, "Go ahead and push her back and tell her to 'Stop it'." The mom never looked up from texting, but my daughter looked hugely relieved to yell "NO!" and run away.

Ever since then we have frequent talks abut how if they see anyone being mean they should yell right away, push or hit back, and most importantly, go to the side of someone being pushed around by a bully and make sure they are OK and NEVER join in with someone being mean. I always ask if she saw anyone being mean at daycare. Who's mean, does she make sure to yell at them etc.

We have to start the message very young. lots of kids out there are not disciplined and the rate of bullies has skyrocketed even in nice schools since kids have no fear of parents, teachers etc. Kids have to learn not to be targets and to recognize and stand up to bullies and defend each other.

And heck ya, that teacher would be on my major sh--list and she would KNOW it. I would not worry about offending her. I would make it clear I had better not hear of any bullying being enabled because I would take it as high as it could go. I would even speak to those boys directly (They're 4, not teenagers). I would let the teacher know (don't ask, just do it) that I was going to have a word with them, I would go up calm, cool, friendly, not angry in case they tell their mom, and I would say, "Hey, dudes, I hear you guys are super tough guys and like to be mean to people sometimes. Don't bother my son please. If I hear that you keep doing it, I will tell your parents until they care. Thanks, have a nice day." Do it so the teacher hears you. If your son also yells at them and strikes back, and the teacher has taken you seriously, at 4, no major damage will have been done and it should improve.

I also believe that when our kids see us sticking up to people, they learn not to just feel bad and let things slide, which is human nature. As they get older they have to fight their own battles, which is what I'm trying to teach, but at 4, you should defend your son. Good work telling the parents. Don't be afraid to speak up again. They're totally lame. Don't have any guilt. If someone told me one of my kids was bossing someone around, believe me I would handle it and want to know. There is no excuse for their reaction.

I wouldnt call it bullying..I think your overacting a bit..All kids are not going to get along and you cant make them play with him .You should not have called the parents in my eyes unless he really got hurt .Because this is the schools issue they need to address the problem and they should have let the parents know what was going on.If thechildren do not stop and the school cant find a way to control the issue I would take my child out of there and find a new pre school for your son..No one wants their child to be sad and made fun of..Just let him know we dont want to play with people that hurt us anyway because they are not a friend and that you know it makes him upset and its ok to be upset but the things they say arent nice or true..I wouldnt leave my child at the pre school if this isnt taken care of asap..i hope everything works out for you and your son..

Sometimes parents really suck!!! Sorry but bullying really pisses me off. I went through it for years, and trust me the parents won't do anything. In my opinion you have a few choices. 1. The teacher really needs to shadow all free play and make sure she pares the children up differently. We do centers at my preschool so maybe do two boys and one girl to even things out a bit. I know children should be able to make their own choices, however sometimes they need a little help and monitoring until they have the tools to defend themselves. Free play can teach children wonderful problem solving, however it can also be a time that arguing can be present so it needs to be monitored. I think with a class of 7 the teacher should have done a better job before it escalated to this level. 2. You can move him to a different center before it escalates and give him a fresh start. 3. Try some role playing with him in these situations. Example. If Joey pushes you or says you can't play, this is what you should say to Joey. Sometimes role playing helps more then talking because he will be able to make the connection visually. I feel for you if you have a timid easy going child as I did (mine is now 21 and a girl, so she went through the mean girl drama) it makes things ten times worse because they just can't find it in themselves to answer back or defend themselves. Children will sometimes mistake kindness for weakness and it is very sad. I love when people say bullying has been around for centuries and they are right, difference is years back when a parent was told their child wasn't behaving appropriately the child was disciplined, today parents just don't care and so it has to be left to the teachers and the schools. UNFARE!! Parents need to parent, because I am sure if it were their child they would have a completely different tune. Good luck!!

Go above the teacher. A school principle and counselor should be consulted. She let this situation get way too out of hand and now it's spiraling. If I were you, I would go in and talk to higher-ups immediately. There needs to be harsh consequences, for those boys. The teacher doesn't seem to act very quickly on them, and the parents don't seem interested either. If no one is going to do something drastic NOW, the principle needs to be alerted.

Sadly ,many schools (especially small ones...and in younger ages) don't have bullying protocol. A lot of teachers are grossly unprepared, for bullying.

Talking with the teacher, telling her your concerns, is not blaming or bullying. Yes, If you said, "you should've done so and so" that would be confrontive and blaming. Instead, you say, "I'm really concerned that this problem has gone on for so long and want to talk about how we can get it to stop." Making yourself a part of the solution takes the message out of the blaming genre.

At 4 1/2 kids are still in the very beginning of learning how to get along with each other. Instead of looking at this situation as your son being bullied I suggest you look at it as an opportunity for him to learn how to get along with unpleasant kids and still maintain his good self-esteem. Talk with him about how what the other boys do has nothing to do with him or his personality. Praise the way he gets along with the other children. At this age children are not so aware of there being boys and girls. They are all children who enjoy the same things and enjoy playing together.

I say, good, that you called the parents. We need to deal with our own problems. Yes the school personnel should also talk with them. I hope that they have. At the same time this is happening to you and your child and I suggest that if you become involved you'll feel better about the situation in the long run. If you leave it to just the school, you'll feel more like a victim waiting for someone else to take care of you and your son.

I hope that the other parents will consider what is happening even tho they didn't apologize to you. I suggest that they may not have had enough info from their children or from the school to know what is really happening and in today's litigious world it's best to not admit fault. I would expect for them to talk with the teacher and co-operate in finding a solution.

At the same time, it's also possible that at least one of the parents are the sort that believe that their child does no wrong. If that's the case let the school handle it. My focus is on opening the possibility for communication with all of the parents.

I hate to see preschoolers given a name of any sort because kids tend to live up to what they are called. Yes, you feel your son is bullied. Your son feels left out. Why does he have to be given a name (bully) to call the other boys. It sets up an even more negative atmosphere. I'd prefer that the other boys are described as having difficulties getting along with others and the focus be on teaching them the right behavior. They are acting mean is a good description. Not that they are mean or that they are a bully. Name the behavior and not the child. A preschool child is most likely going to change his behavior with help. Why give him a negative label?

I would not change schools. Your son is going to come up against this sort of behavior his whole life. Focus on helping him learn how to deal with it. Help him focus his attention on playing with the children he enjoys. Let him know he's behaving well and the other boys aren't. Teach him to not take their behavior personally.

My daughter is five and in her last year of preschool. She is usually part of a trio and this last year seems to have been a little more rough. She seems to play with other friends outside of her trio and one of the girls she was friends with really seems to really give her a hard time. I don't know the things my daughter says to her, because I am not there and only listen. Of course, she tells me the unfortunate part.

The teacher told me that she (my daughter) had sat down with her and shared that she has been sad because the other two talk about play dates and outings. I shared with the teacher that she is often a part of those outings with both of them and outings with one of them. She seemed a little enlightened.

To my knowledge there hasn't been any physical part, just verbal fussing. The little girl that she doesn't do too much with has told my daughter that she was going to rip up her birthday card and was deciding if she could come to her birthday party. As well, the other little girl is having a winter party and I never showed my daughter the invitation because we can't make it and the little girl said if you didn't get the invitation, then your not invited. It all means the world in the eyes of a five year old. I had to show her the invitation.

As for the physical part, a little boy who is a little older did take his wet paper towel and shove it in my daughters face. I caught him. I was only able to ask him why he did that and it startled him. My daughter tells me he hits them. I always tell her that kids who hit will have problems controlling themselves later and will get into a lot of trouble if they can't control themselves. It is much better to be able to walk away.

Really, I think you do your child some good by teaching him to not allow them to push him and not play with them. I have told my daughter to hold her hand out and not to allow that little boy to hit her. I told her she doesn't need to swing, but don't allow kids to touch her face and tell them to keep their hands to themselves. As well, I tell her we can't control the actions of other people, but we can stay away from them.

I'm not sure you should be calling the parents. I think the teacher should be. She is in charge of the kids & should be handling it. She should be stepping in when she sees this happening & hand out the appropriate discipline when needed. Don't expect all parents to do the right thing because they won't, but you should expect the school to handle this the right way because it is happening on their time.

At four the children should be supervised. This isn't happening.
You must find another school ASAP and ask for any money back
that you have prepaid.

You should talk to the director so she can keep an eye on the situation, let her know you WILL be a squeaky wheel. My first response was pull your son out of there but HE is not the problem child! They should be threatening to expel the head bully. As Angela said private schools live and die by word of mouth and you will have terrible things to say about this school and the kind of families that attend it. Unless maybe this problem child has influential parents??