Brothers Girlfriend I Am at a Loss..

Updated on May 26, 2011
R.J. asks from Sandy, UT
16 answers

My youngest brother - on my dads side- has decided to hook up with this girl, Now my brother is a fairly intelligent hard working guy but he has a knack for hooking up with the WORST possible women normally I dont have to deal with them much but this one just wont leave me alone. She is and (ex)-stripper I am guessing (ex) druggie with four kids from three dads. The problem is she really really wants to be "friends" she wants her delinquent son(not kidding actually just out of juvie) to be friends with my son, ( not going to happen) she wants to have 'girls night". My brother and I are not terribly close we live in the same city and see each other on holidays and a few times a year but for some reason he has decided that now because this woman has 4 terrible kids that we need to spend more time together. Honestly I feel like she is "casing" my house when she is there and I hide anything of value ( and prescription drugs) before they come over. Before you start it is not just because she "was" a stripper I have nothing against strippers a job is a job. I really enjoy my brothers company when we do see each other but this woman is just too much.
I dont know if he is expecting me to help her, she is a terrible mother the kids are just terrible, disrespectful, rude, dirty. How exactly do you tell your love struck brother that you really dont want his scary girlfriend and her awful ( and they are truly awful) kids around? Without crushing your brother?

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So What Happened?

Thank you I guess what I was mostly looking for is for you all to tell me I am not a terrible person. I love my bro I do but everytime this woman comes around I cringe and I feel terrible about it but I just cant help it. I am going to have to get my brother alone and just tell him I cant have her around.
Also her son has only met my son one time- mostly "conveniently" my kids are gone when they come they are at a sleep over or at a friends house. Which usually limits the visit time because her awful kids are bored because I wont them in the boys rooms without them there so they end up sitting in the front yard waiting for her. I have not gone out of my way to make her comfortable in any way. I am just going to have to tell my brother to keep her away, It is not like I have made him think I acutally want her around.

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answers from Provo on

Just be honest and up front and tell him, truthfully but tactfully, how you feel. You do not have to call names but you do have to name facts.

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answers from Seattle on

What a hard situation. Honestly though, it sounds like your brother needs some tough love. Tell him how you feel, and that you are not comfortable with her presence in your home, and with her kids being associated with yours.

I understand where you are coming from. Its not because of her old job, its because of the way she acts and her children etc.

Be honest with your brother. It might be the only way. And maybe he needs this wake up call. It might hurt him at first but he will come around again.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

I would meet them somewhere else and not at your home. I would flat-out tell your brother that neither you nor your son have an interest in befriending this kid straight out of juvie. Just because the kids are the same age doesn't mean they'll be friends. You can say, "I don't know how to say this but..." Friends of DH didn't know how to tell him his first wife was terrible, but he's glad that someone finally spoke up. It reinforced how he felt, but didn't know what to do.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Detroit on

Your brother is an adult and therefore is free to make his own choices, however bad they may be. Some people will only learn the hard way. You have every right to protect your home and your children. I would just be honest with him, something along the lines of, "I really love you and I love spending time together, but unfortunately your girlfriend and her kids make me really uneasy from they way they act and behave, and I am not comfortable having them over here or having my kids around them." He might get angry, defensive, whatever - you can't be responsible for his feelings, only for your kids and your home. You can say, I'm sorry, that's just how I feel, and leave it at that. Then hope and pray that he eventually sees the light. Maybe being honest with him will be a bit of the wake-up call that he obviously needs. Or maybe she is looking to turn her life around, starting with the choice to be with your brother. Only time will tell. But until then, you would be smart to keep your distance and keep them at arm's length.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Richmond on

love is blind,
and not real bright, either.
let him deal with her and her kids, if and when she is caught huffing in your brothers bathroom, you can say i told you so. but in the meantime, if you dont want her or her kids in your house , say so
K. h.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Fort Wayne on

Be blunt dont sugar coat it. You have the choice of who want as friends for you and your family. It may cause a rift but if you only see eachother holidays and such dont sweat it. But be specific this is why XYZ and stand your ground. I agree with the tough love answer. If in 5 years hes still with her and she is differant then maybe try then but for what you described I keep her out of your families life. good luck

3 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on


I won't get into the whole job thing or whats wrong with her in your eyes etc. What I will say is that if you are not comfortable with her or her kids, tell your brother that you would like it to be just him when he visits. Tell him you aren't comfortable with her and need any contact with him to be without her. GL!


1 mom found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

I am going to break with the herd here and encourage you to have a conversation with your brother rather than preparing a monologue. Ask him a lot of questions about how he sees your brother/sister relationship, where he sees his relationship with the girlfriend going, what he is hoping to accomplish.... based on his responses, you may or may not have to make a big issue. Talk to him. give him an opportunity to man up and be considerate of his sister. Try to keep your judgement of her to a minimum. Simply stating you'd be more comfortable meeting with them elsewhere or limiting your children's exposure to her children for now would be appreciated.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

You don't. Just let her know that you gave up "girls night out" long ago. Instead of having dinner at your home, if they want to get together, go to a local pizza or hamberger joint and depending on your kid's ages, go bowling or miniature golfing.

Don't shut your brother out and try to give this woman and her children the benefit of the doubt. She will either show you she truly cares for your brother or eventually show another side.


1 mom found this helpful


answers from Williamsport on

Don't have them over. Meet them out. Say no to the next few meetings and go back to seeing him rarely. Be polite and nothing more. Don't bring your kids around when you meet them. If he "gets it" and asks you why, just be kind but honest. I have told my brother I didn't care to spend time with some of his girlfriends. I don't bother insulting them, I'm just not available. He may be disappointed, but you don't have to spend your time with her. This will keep you out of the awkward, "We should do girl's night" thing. She knows you guys have nothing in common and probably does want something from you, even if it's just a little security and friendship for her kids, but you are right to be cautious.

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answers from Chicago on

In this case, honesty is the best policy. Maybe you'll help him see what he can't see for himself. If not, it's his loss. You said you're not terribly close, so it shouldn't be too hard to kind of cut ties for awhile until he figures out that this woman and her terrible kids are not for him.



answers from San Francisco on

Tread lightly. I was extremely close to my brother and almost lost his relationship over his crazy ex girlfriend (and I was nice). I would say, be honest, don't let her in your home if your not comfortable with that and communicate directly with your brother. Just put yourself in his shoes and be very sensitive. It's not your place to judge his decisions but it's perfectly ok to limit her in your home. You don't have to be friends with her or her kids but try to be respectful to her. People do change...



answers from Honolulu on

The bottom line is:
You do what is best for YOUR kids.
Don't be, pressured into it and be in her life.

You tell your Brother.
That is his life.
NOT yours.
NOT yours.

As a Mom, we all protect our kids and try to keep them out of harmful/Toxic situations and relations. Not caving in... just out of guilt or pressure.

Your Brother... will either learn or not... about making bad choices in women.
He is a sucker or not.
That is his life.
If his life, deteriorates and he becomes a druggie too... then well, that is sad. And as his sister... I would talk to him. Even if he is an adult and that is his life. You can, tell him your opinion. Without telling him what to do.
That is what, family is.
IF you see a "TRAIN-WRECK" about to happen... do you tell your family member or just let it happen?
Sometimes, a relative does not know. Or once the train-wreck does happen... then they wonder why NO ONE told them, until they got burned. I know a family member like that.

Bottom line: you protect your house and home and your children. And YOU decide, what "influences" are in their life, or not.
That is what I would, do.
YOU are your kids', parent. And their advocate.

Also, if your Brother continues to be with this woman.... then he needs to be prepared... for His friends, shying away from him too... or not wanting to be his friend. Because, she is there too. And he may, by reason of association... get 'pegged' as being a real noxious person too.

As they say: you can sometimes tell a lot about a person, by the Spouse/partner they have and choose.

You TELL your Brother, you do not want his Girlfriend around you home, in your home NOR, with your son. NOR her kids, with your son. AND never alone. At all.
That is just plain, reality.
He better get used to it... because, his Girlfriend, is and has a BAD track record. Which speaks for itself.

And, I HOPE he does not get her pregnant. Or that she get herself pregnant. I mean, the girl has FOUR other kids, by THREE different men.
NOT a good.... thing.
Does he really want that kind of girl... and to be a "Dad" to all of them?? Or to be their meal-ticket?????



answers from Minneapolis on

You don't tell him. It's not your place. What you can do is limit contact with her and the kids to only when he''s with them...nothing more. Not to upset you, but it sounds like things are pretty serious between the two of them if he's encouraging her to befriend you. Are you prepared on how to deal with things if she's "the one." Most guys don't introduce their female friends to family unless they're serious about them. It's high praise to you, that he's putting you on that kind of pedestal that he thinks you are a good example for her and her kids. But I also don't blame you if she doesn't share the same values as you, if you don't want to spend endless time with her, or want to deal with her kids if they're a bad influence.

I say be cordial and respectful of her, because your brother loves her and her kids. But you certainly don't have to be a doormat. Set quiet limits by planning the visits on your terms on your time. You don't want to make enemies if she ends up becoming your sister in-law. It would break your brother's heart and you could lose him forever if you hurt him bad enough by your intolerance. Is your dislike of this woman worth destroying your relationship with your brother? Has she really done anything to warrant these feelings? She could have reformed her life for all you know.

And as for whether she's right for him or not, he's a grown man. You can't make his decisions for him and have no right to do so. If the tables were turned, would you tolerate family telling you who you could or couldn't be with, let alone tolerate them being rude or intolerant of the person you love. There is no price to pay in being kind, despite your personal feelings. You can only love him (brother), respect his choice in girlfriend and give him support when he asks for it. Nothing more. Save judgements for when she does something to warrant it. Right now she hasn't...her crimes all sound like they took place in the past. Can't fault someone for having a rough past or making bad decisions in the past. Only if the continue to make bad decisions.



answers from Chicago on

As hard as it is, you need to keep it all inside (until she actually does something). My brother was dating the most awful woman, and I never said a word. Even so, we still don't speak now as a result of her. I never once said anything, but she could sense I didn't like her (although she clearly didn't like me), and she pulled him away from me and most of my family. If you want to keep your brother in your life, you have to bite the bullet and put up with this woman until he (hopefully!) figures out there's someone better out there for him.



answers from Grand Junction on

i know it's not your responsibility, nor is it mine, but you are in the same position as i am. my nephew is....exactly how you describe your brothers gf kids. and it's hard but at least we, my husband and myself, as well as you, can set an example. his, and these kids upbringing, is through no fault of their own and it would be shameful for us to hold it against these children. they deserve love too. and deserve to feel loved. huge responsibility and not yours (or mine), but they are children and, depending on their ages, this could be a critical time in their development.
as for the mother, there are lots of programs to help her out and i'm not just talking about medicaid and food assistance programs. I'm thinking about a, mamapedia with it's wealth of knowledge from all the fabulous mothers, b, MOPS, mothers of preschoolers, where they have weekly (?) programs to help mothers with things we struggle with, C, Nurturing parenting program in which she could learn to be, not only a better mother but a better person as well. there are a number of other options but you would have to look to see whats available in your area.
I struggle not to be judgemental but I will remind you as much as i have to remind myself....I have no idea of the trials and sufferings someone else has had to endure. i certainly don't like it when someone judges me before they know me or my story. perhaps this woman wants to be better, be good, for your brother and she has no idea how to go about doing that.
until your comfortable with her in your home, and i'm saying this because i certainly don't want people i don't trust in my house, suggest to your brother that you get together at his house, or like a buffet style restaurant, or the park, or some other neutral area, you get the idea. I hope this helped, good luck

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