Broken Hearts

Hi Beth,

I am a Pre-k teacher and I recently went through this with one of my students. His grandfather died who was his legal guradian and he had a hard time with it. One of the things I noticed is that his behavior changed. He was mean to the other kids and he started messing in his pants nearly every day. I gave him good incentives for having a good day and staying clean and dry and he got lots of love. I've noticed that kids have a hard time dealing with these kinds of emotions. They usually lash out and have social problems... even the younger ones can go through this because of the absence of a parent. There is light at the end of the tunnel because they usually do settle back in to daily life after a while. My sugguestion is to get ready. Children will feed off of the parents emotions I understand that your brother will be heartbroken for a while but the emotions he shows will be the emotions the kids will feel also. The sooner your brother can begin to heal the kids will soon after. Also you might not see the effects to this out of the kids for a while. Kids sometime take longer to release emotion rather than adults. I am so sorry for anyone to go through this. My prayers a re with you and your family.

God Bless
B.

I am so sorry for your loss. My husband was 8 and his sis's were 9 and 5 when their dad died, (he died of a heart attack at home) they all attended the funeral but didn't help with planning. They are all adults now and are glad they attended. One thing they all agree is they which their mom would have got them some counceling even if it was just with a minister not a licensed councelor. They said their mom was in such grief as I am sure your brother is, that she was impossible to talk to which caused them to have nightmares. My husband didn't sleep for several days because he was afraid he would have a heart attack like his dad. I hope this helps, my thoughts and prayers are with your family.

Hi E.,
First I want to say how sorry I am for your loss. I would say you answer their questions if any honestly and in age appropriate terms and you let them be involved or as uninvolved as they want to be. Everyone deals with unexpected tradegies such as these in different ways even children, I would also get the kids and dad in a counseling group as they can be very helpful at times like this. I have never experienced this myself so I don't have "experience" with this but it is the only thing I can think that might help.
For all the kids I would bring them some crayons and coloring books, things to keep the occupied during the services, they don't fully grasp what is going on. I hope this helps you in someway. My prayers are with you and your family, W. mom of 4

My sympathy to you and your family.

You may want to consider contacting Solace House, they specialize in helping kids deal with grieving and loss.

http://www.solacehouse.org

E.,
I just want to say I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to your family and the children. I do know somewhat what you're going through. My sister also died in a car accident leaving 2 children although older. Just know you all are in my prayers. I feel you should only give small amounts of information. They will ask questions and will need answers. Answer them honestly but not too graphically. If they ask for more info, answer only the question at hand. Again, this is only my opinion. God be with you all.

Hi, E.. My 32 year old cousin died in January, leaving an 8 year old and a 3 year old behind.

One of the most beautiful things the family did was to have each child pick one thing to send with mommy. The 8 year old sent a copy of her baby book, the three year old sent a teddy bear that mommy & he played with. They were cremated along with her body.

Also asking the kids if they want anything special at the funeral is a nice gesture. The eight year old requested that everyone wear pink. The three year old wanted to have a special book read. Keep it simple.

The funeral director and family need to take into account--when planning--that the memorial needs to be mostly about the kids and their dad's mourning.

I hope this helps. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Jen

I am so sorry you are going through this!

I don't know if I can help, but my experience with children and funerals is based on my young nephews attending funerals for THEIR great-grandmothers. The 4-5 year old attended the wake and funeral, but wasn't allowed to see the body/casket. They brought toys for him and his mom or dad stayed with him during the wake in a back room. I even think the funeral home had a TV and kid movies available. My other sister had a 1 year old and they let him see the body because he didn't understand anyway.

I would your niece/nephews need to be there to help them understand that she's not coming home. They as kids don't understand needing closure, but when they are older I'm sure they'd appreciate knowing and possibly remembering that they were at the funeral.

I recommend volunteering yourself, or some other relative they are close to, to be in charge of them during that time. If they can't handle being out with everyone else, then keep them entertained in a back room or remove them from the event all together. That way the father won't have to worry about keeping his focus on them and answering their questions.

You can also talk to the funeral director. They'd have more experience/information about what works and what doesn't for each of those ages.

My prayers are with your family.

I will pray for God's peace and strength in this most troubled time. Just about 13 yrs ago in my church we had a woman die in the Murrah Bombing here in OKC. She left behind 2 very young girls and a husband and like your brother, he took it very difficultly. I know with the girls they protected them as much as possible. Kids understand quite a bit, but sometimes as adults we give them too much information. Questions that are asked need to be answered but don't give too much information. As for them being involved.... I do not think it wise to let them be there during the planning but I think it would be ok for them to go to the funeral. It will be difficult, especially if its an open casket service but they need a chance to say goodbye as well. My neice thought at 3 yrs old that grandpa was just sleeping. They comprehend things in their own way. Counseling is definitely a great idea. A good counselor will be able to get on their level and let them express themselves freely about it. I hope this is of some help. This time is always most difficult but with children involved its even more so. God bless you and your family.

Your family will be in my prayers. I have not gone through this personally, but I can tell you about a funeral I went to recently. The kids were there for the service only. They were kept in the nursery until the service started. It would have been too much for them to be in the visitation line, because of all of the sorrow that every adult exhibited. The kids need to be able to see goodbye, but you don't want them to be further traumatized.

I don't really have any advice - I think it's some combination of how much it comforts your brother to have his kids near him, and some understanding of what might upset them - especially the 6 year old.

I mostly just wanted to tell you that you and your brother's family are in our prayers here....

I am so sorry.

Suzi

E., I think just to play it by ear and see how the kids respond. Doing something special for the kids at the funeral or letting them do something like drawing a picture that Mommy can be buried with is an idea
I really wanted to send my condolences, as I know it must be a hard time for all in your family. I wish I could help more.

First off my heart goes out to your brother and children as well as the rest of the family.. I couldn't even begin to imagine the pain and anger the family must be feeling at this moment..
As far as including the children into the funeral I say yes they have the right to say good bye to there mama rather they are old enough to remember or not..You would be suprised some of the things kids can remember..I remember alot from when I was three..
As far as everything else I really would just make sure people watch what they say around the little ones.. sometimes people can be very insensitive and not realize the child understands more than they think..
Once again I'm so sorry for the loss your family has suffered I hope what I have said has come to some use for your family..

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I wouldn't involve the kids in anything but actually going to the funeral.

Later, when the kids need their mommy there should be a mail box to heaven for them to put stuff into and dad can move it to another box later that night.

What a tragedy indeed. IMO, the children should be left out of all funeral details. They should be shielded and protected during this time from the burden that adults should take care of.

Beth,
Please accept my condolonces for your entire family in the loss of your sister-in-law. The loss of someone you love is difficult at anytime, but I think it can be harder sometimes when that person is so young and it's the result of an accident. I fully believe the children should attend the funeral, although I am not sure they need to actually participate in the funeral service. The younger ones may not remember much of it when they get older, but all of them I am sure will be appreciative of the fact they were able to attend the last celebration of their mother and her life. Your family will certainly be in my prayers, again I am so sorry for your loss.
~B.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I will keep you in my prayers. My grandmother passed two years ago and we wish that our oldest could have said goodbye she ask all the time why she did not get to go. So I think it is very important for them to get to say good bye.I would let them go to the funeral.

Beth my heart goes out to you, your brother, his children and your family. I don't have any wisdom to add. I just wanted to send my condolences.

I don't have any advice, I just wanted to send my condolances to your family. I am so sorry for your loss.

R.

beth,

I don't know what to say but I am soooo sorry for you and your family. I can't even imagine the pain you must be feeling. I don't really have any advice, I just wanted to give my condolences to you and your brother. So so so sad!

C.

I'm SO sorry to hear of your loss and i will be praying for you in these tough months ahead. I think that if the kids are old enough to understand what death is then they should be allowed to attend the funeral.I;m sure a lot of people would disagree, but just recently i went throught the same thing.I lost both of my grandparents within months of each other and this was the first death that we had experienced in our closeknit family and it was just devastating to all of us.We wondered the same thing as you..should we or should we not include our kids[3 grown,4 still left at home..10-3] and we decided that since they loved them too we went ahead and took all 4 little ones and i don't for a second regret it.They understood that papa and grandma were with Jesus and looking down on all of us and that they were in a much better place and together now with no more pain and that really seemed to get through to them.I know this isn't for everyone, but i hope that it helps..God Bless you and your family and good luck!!

Hello,
Sorry for the loss in your family.I myself loss a love one my son was 4 at the time a my daughter was about to turn 2. I don't know if you belive in the after life I didn't know if there was one or not. I was wrong. Right after the accident I didn't tell my kids right away, they came to me and told me daddy's not coming back that god needed him. It was really tuff to hear from my kids mouth.
Thats when I knew I was going to be ok. I know it is really hard to deal with but he will get through it, the kids will be ok. All he needs to do is deal with it his own way,the whole family needs to go talk to someone about this it will help.I didn't let my kids go to the funeral,but that is something I should of let them go to say good bye because ones you say good bye. Thats when the healing starts. The only thing I can tell you is that you need to be there for him. I know after the shock wears off thats when you need people the most and the frineds, that said they whould be there have moved on with there life. Sometimes you just need someone to take the kids so you can sit and cry. I'm really sorry to hear about the loss. If you need anyone to talk to (I will be hear)day or night.

Beth,
My name is A.. I'm very sorry to hear about your sister-in-law. My prayers go out to you and your family.

I am so sorry for your loss, your brothers loss and especially for the kids. I lost my dad in "99". Even though I was older and could understand, my children had a hard time with it. He played a BIG part in their life because I was a single mother at that time. We could not go to his funeral and I wish I could go back and change that. I think the kids NEED to say good bye. It tears me up every day that we could not do that. We do go to the cemetary as much as we can get up there, it is in Chicago and we are here in Oklahoma. Like I said the kids need to say good bye even if they are not fully aware of what is going on. I like the idea of them leaving something with her, that is great. Also they do need to be in some kind of counseling group. That will also give dad some help if he is needing advise or just to vent about things. You will all be in our prayers tonight!! I hope God gives you all the strength you need to be there for them as this is going to be a rough ride for you to.
My heart truely goes out to all of you!

I think it's important to include them. They might not entirely grasp what is going on, but when they are older it will be important. My Grandpa died when I was 3 and I was left out of everything. I was very young, but I remember being left behind when everybody went to the funeral. I think it is important to think about how they will feel about this later on not just in the here and now. The 2 year old probably won't remember anything, but the siblings will and can tell the 2 year old that he (she? not sure which one is which age) was there. Good luck and I am very sorry for your loss.

I am so very very sorry for your loss. We lost my father-in-law in a car accident in 2001 and there are just no words to express how much hurt you go through. I don't really know what to tell you-we were all grown when we went through this. We did some poster boards of pictures of the family to put in the front to look at as we knew the church would be overflowing. I know a lot of people do videos like this to play before the funeral and while people are waiting for others to exit. I think those are nice. Again, I am so sorry and I send my deepest prayers and sympathy for you and all of your family. -C.

My prayers are with your family right now. It is so hard losing someone unexpectedly. It's even harder when they haven't had the chance to live a full life. 4 1/2 yrs ago My youngest sister died in an accident. She had just turned 17. My children were only 7 and 3 at the time. The hardest part was trying to tell them. I realize it's different when a parent is the one who died. I just want to let you know how we handled it. My children were there for most of it. Besides making the arrangements. That's something that is stressful in itself and can become extremely overwhelming to your brother. My kids are thankful today that they were able to be there. They miss her now as much as they did then, but they were able to put letters, drawings and pictures in her casket. It help them to say goodbye and to have a part in it. Again, I am soo sorry for your family's loss. I hope this helps.

I just wanted to take a moment to tell you that I am so sorry to hear of your terrible loss. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. God Bless.

I am so sorry for your loss. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family at this difficult time. I pray that God will wrap His loving arms around your brother, his children, and all of your extended family and give all of you the peace that only He can provide.
Although my children have not lost a parent, we have had to deal with the question of having them attend funerals for loved ones before and it is not an easy decision to make. We have always felt that it should be up to them, if they wanted to go or not, we honored their wishes. Since your brother's children are so young, he will have to make the decision for them. I did some research on the web and came across this advice in answer to this same kind of question. I hope that it helps in some way.

"Should children be allowed to attend the funerals of parents and other relatives?"

The most frequent question posed to Barr-Harris staff is whether a child should be allowed to attend a funeral. I assume that this question has something to do with an attempt to protect the child from the pain and distress of the loss. Another reason that the question comes up is, "Why should the child attend if he or she does not fully understand what is going on?" A third reason for raising the question is concern that the child might get so upset that he or she might disrupt the somber proceedings.

Basically, there is no reason why the child should be kept from the funeral of a parent or other relative. Children are invariably well-behaved and serious at such events. As soon as children are capable of some understanding (age two to three), they should be allowed to participate in the process of mourning. Attending the funeral is an important part of that process.

Such attendance is beneficial for a number of reasons.

It gives the child the chance to deal with some of his or her feelings about the loss.

It stimulates a dialogue about the events of the loss. The child has a chance to ask questions and to recognize the fact that loss is a part of life.

Such participation may also undercut fantasies that the person who died may return.

However, one of the most important reasons for letting the child attend the funeral is that many adults who experienced loss in childhood harbor intense anger towards those adults who did not allow them to participate in the funeral as children. They feel deprived of an important childhood experience; they feel that they did not have the optimum chance to say goodbye to the one that died.

Benjamin Garber, Director
Barr-Harris Children's Grief Center

Also, here are some websites that might have some helpful information:

Helping a child deal with death:
http://www.kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/death....

Stages of development and how they may grieve:
http://depression.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?zi=1/X...

Helping a child who is grieving a loss:
http://depression.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?zi=1/X...

I pray that these help you as you try to help your brother and his children. God bless and keep you all in His tender care.

Hugs,
T. Walker
www.MomRN.com

I am so sorry to hear about the loss in your family. My complete condolenses.

I have been through this in my life. My aunt that I loved dearly, dearly died when I was in Kindergarten. She was hit by a drunk driver in Olathe. I remember many things about that day. My uncle sitting in the front pew with my cousins, they were 3,2, and 7mos when she died. I remember her laying there, she was a beautiful women. And I remember looking around seeing everyone so sad and crying and not knowing why they were crying. I remember my other Aunt Debbie trying to smile through the tears when I looked at her.

My point of telling you that is...1) I think it's important that the kids have the opportunity to say a finally good bye to their mother. She loves them so and it's I think good that they have an opportunity to. 2)Realize that even though they are going through this horrible time right now it will not be over. As I said I went through losing my Aunt Debi and she was very close to me, my sister, and my cousin. I was in kindergarten when it happened and roughly the age of the oldest child in your family. However, I didn't go through the emotions of her death until I was in 3rd grade. I went back and cried so hard over what happened and did a lot of asking about it. Because when you are that young, you don't know about death and the finality of it. You think they're coming back and will see them again. But as you get older you learn that death means they are somewhere else in a better place. So just expect them to 'remourn' her as they grow and help them cope with it. 3)This will be a very important day in their life. How the situation is handled will set the tone for future losses that will inevitably come. So handle it with care, love, and comfort. I think the reason I can remember at 27 my aunt smiling at me when i was 5, is because it was just something I wanted. I didn't want to see everyone so sad. And that funeral has definitely carried over to those of my grandma, great grandpa, my best friend's at 16, and my 3rd grade teacher who was like a grandmother to me, she also helped me alot when I went back through the pain of losing Aunt Debi.

I don't believe my uncle took the kids to the planning of the services. I think they spent time with us and my cousin for that. But they were there for the funeral and all that that day entailed. So they don't have to be around for setting things up, but to say the final goodbye and grave side services might be important to them later on in life.

Depending on how the children act....do they want to be there or are they pulling back trying to stay away from it all....esp. for the 6yr old if they want to be there i would certainly allow them to be...as i know i think it would have brought me more closure had i been allowed at age 5 to attend my grandfathers funeral...as we were very close...i have always regretted that....my husband is a funeral director and has seen/heard it all, so if you have any questions feel free to ask....i'm so sorry for ya'lls loss....