Bridesmaid Help

J.,
It isn't customary for guests to pay for their own lunches. However, if this is a shower given by all the bridesmaids then it should be a group decision on what type of shower to give, how much to spend, etc.

As hard as it may be, I think you'll have to call or email the other bridesmaids and explain that you definitely want to give a shower, but this isn't the type of shower you can afford. Possibly offer other suggestions. Maybe the mother of the bride or another friend/relative can offer their house and the bridesmaids can chip in for the food/decorations. You could do a brunch pretty cheaply that would still be very nice.
Best of luck.

I would just be honest with the person who sent the invite. They should understand with what you are going through. If you reverse the situation and had plenty of money but someone did not, would you think less of that person? I doubt it. You would probably help them in any way. Honesty is always the best policy.

I would be honest and tell the maid of honor that you just can't afford this. Ask if instead you can help with set up or clean up, bring some baked goods, etc. If they don't understand, well, that's their problem. I think it's tacky to ask for that much money for a luncheon anyway. What happened to a good old fashioned bridal shower in someone's home or a small hall where everyone in the family and close friends brings some food and a cake is ordered? The bride to be still has a wonderful time and the others are expected to do without to provide it.

Speaking as someone who just got married this past November, the wedding party/mother of the bride are responsible for the shower and all the amenities…not the guest. My girls/mother threw me a shower at one of my favorite restaurants and they paid for the guests meals/non-alcoholic beverages. I've never been to a shower where I've had to pay anything.

My opinion, you need to speak with the maid of honor and let her know of your dilemma. Maybe instead of financial support you could make favors or decorate. Let her know what you can afford, I’m sure she’ll be more then happy to accommodate you…after all I know the bride would understand. It’s not cheap to be a bridesmaid.

I think you have to be really honest with the maid of honor about this. For one thing, who decided that all of you would pay for this shower? (It is generally true that guests are not expected to pay for themselves at a function like this) I would just tell her very honestly that you can't afford this expense, given your current living situation. If it means that you have to back out of being a bridesmaid at all, that may have to happen. But, I would bet that if the bride heard that you were backing out because of this, she would step in and tell the maid of honor to back off. Good luck and don't let them bully you. Remember, the bride has been a friend for a long time and will still be you friend even if you are not a bridesmaid!

First, I'm a little confused on who is actually HOSTING this shower. Is the maid of honor hosting the shower or all of you bridesmaids hosting the shower together? If the answer is the MOH is hosting on her own, then she's in bad taste to even ask you guys to chip in to pay - big shot job salary or not, but I digress.

I'm going to assume this luncheon is at a restaurant since you're wondering if guests can pay. If formal invites are being sent out, the host(s) is(are) generally responsible for the cost of a party they're throwing (with the exception of excessive booze), not the guests. Keep in mind, many places won't do separate checks for large parties, so depending on where you are and how many people you have, having everyone pay their way may not even be an option, plus never mind the social nightmare of having a bunch of women trying to figure out how much they owe off of one big bill at the end of the party. *lol

If this luncheon is happening in someone's home or private location, and is being catered, then guest should not pay a dime under any circumstance.

If all of you girls are hosting together, I would call (not email) the MOH and explain to her that right now money is tight and you're not budgeted to spend $100 on the shower (especially if you've got other expenses to plan for with this wedding like alterations or hair/make-up, etc). It doesn't really sound like any sort of Plan of Action was talked about or budget was set, so you've got a bit of a leg to stand on here, IMO. Offer your services in another way that you can - doing the invites, following up RSVPs, set up, tracking the "gifts from whom" for the bride, whatever, just offer help. You don't need to go into the details of your personal financial situation, it's not her business. :) Something can be scaled back in cost to compensate your share or other girls can pony up the cash, especially if they are making bank & you're doing extra helping.

Hope this helps!

You need to explain your situation with the maid of honor and other bridesmaids and let them knowthat type of money is a little steep for your family right now and if someone could help you or if there is something else you can do to help out.

I've been a bridesmaid and a shower guest. Bridesmaids (and sometimes family) have given the shower and guests do not pay or bring dishes. I don't know if this is "correct" etiquette, but it seems to work.
The luncheon might seem pricey; however, if being held at a hotel, the cost is probably good depending on the number of guests (and number of bridesmaids). Are there additional costs for the shower or does the $100 cover everything (location, cleanup, food, cake, games, giveaways)? You said $100 a piece, but didn't write if there are 5 bridesmaids or 15. That does make a difference as to whether you're getting a good deal or not. If it looked like we were spending $1500 on a shower, I'd propose to maid-of-honor we do something more practical. That's too much to spend on a shower. I'd rather give difference to bride and groom, personally. Anyway, is it possible to have shower at bride's parents' home or a museum? Community rec center? Would that cause bridesmaids extra cost of car rentals?
If you're getting a good deal, then I'd ask if my portion be readjusted or spread out? Sometimes, you can pay in installments by a certain date. I'd ask for a timeline for all expenses (dresses, shoes, etc.) I don't know. I'd probably be asking a lot of questions and doing a lot of thinking. I would talk to my husband to see if this whole wedding expense is going to break the household.
Then, you have several choices: 1) bow out gracefully now and volunteer to be a part of the wedding in some other capacity (hostess, usher, psalmist, etc.); 2) be a guest only and take wonderful pictures for your scrapbook; or 3) bite the bullet and expect this to set your family back financially for a few months. If I chose to back out, I'd then call my childhood friend and explain my dilemma. I'm sure she knows your family lives on one income but did not really think about how these expenses might affect you. If you all haven't ordered dresses and men haven't gotten tuxes, etc., it shouldn't cause any bad feelings. In the end, don't let this ruin a good friendship and a great memory or cause your family financial stress.

Hi.
I've been to several showers. Usually when they are at someone's home, the cost is covered by the hosts. However, I have been to showers in restaurants where I was asked to cover my seat. Another option, if the shower is not being catered is to ask everyone to make it a pot-luck or a pot-of-love as I like to call them.

Just be honest with the MOH and let her know that you weren't expecting this expense. I've found that those with expendable income don't stop to consider that an expense may be a hardship for someone else.
M.

Bridal showers are usually covered by the bridesmaids and mother of the bride or groom (depending on the people invited, his family vs. hers). That being said, I was the maid of honor for my best friend and she was mine. For each of us we had one or two bridesmaids that were not financially stable as the rest of us and we simply asked that they do what they could, one couldn't actually afford anything, since she had to buy the dress already, so we bought some stuff for decorations and favors and she insisted she make them to contribute, but we were fine with her just helping us out there. She also got to be the response person, that everyone called to RSVP and with questions and that was how she could help us best. I would contact the maid of honor and explain your situation. Tell her you would love to help in other ways, but be honest about what you can do (with a child too much may not be realistic). Make sure to make it clear that you love your friend but at this time this is all you can do and if you don't know the maid or are not comfortable, you could talk to the bride, but I was go with the maid or other bridesmaid first. Good luck!! Remember when talking to the maid that your friend picked you because she loves you and wants you to stand with her, not because of the amount of money you make and for those people not struggling, sometimes you don't realize how much a $100 is to some people and don't feel bad about yourself or your family's finical state!!

hello J.,

I completely understand what you are going through. I'm in a similar situation but I'm the maid of honor. I think you need to be honest with the maid of honor and let her know that you can not afford to contribute $100 due to your situation and the current economy. Let her know exactly how much you can and will contribute and then offer to make up the difference by in service (i.e., helping coordinate the shower, run errands, stuff & mail invitations, etc.) But overall, be honest with her and yourself. don't feel pressured to spend money you don't have and take food from your family's mouth (literally). You can only do what you can and she will respect your honesty.

Good luck,
and don't worry times will get better for all of us, we just have to weather this storm... hold on and ride it out.

Peace & Blessings,

Just wanted to chip in my two cents - I agree with Jeanette 100%. I've been a bridesmaid 6 or 7 times now and I agree that it is perfectly fine to contact the MOH and offer to handle a bunch of the details, rather than forking over cash. (A shower, regardless of where it is hosted, is not a pay-your-own-way event, ever.) You can handle invitations, rsvp's, coordination with the restaurant, decorations, helping the bride with the gift list or getting thank-yous (good idea for this is have the guests each address an envelope to themselves, then you give the stack of them to the bride after the shower.)
If you do crafts, can you do the favors? That has a cost, but you can make it less, depending on what you choose to do.

I sympathize, the MOH did put you in a difficult place, but you can get out of it by being proactive and handling a lot of the little details - especially if they are all out of town and the wedding is local.

Good luck!

Hi J.,
Everyone has great suggestions about telling the MOH about your situation and asking for help. I can see how you might feel uncomfortable doing that. ANother idea is to tell the MOH that unfortunately you have other plans for that day, then later invite the bride over to your house for lunch and a little one-on-one time with her before the wedding. Good luck!

Hi J.,

I've been to bridal showers where the bridesmaids have paid for everything and I 've been to them when the guests have been asked to pay. As to what Miss Manners or Emily Post would say I have no idea. However, I would suggest that really your concern is what you personally should do re: the request to give $100 to cover the costs of the bridal luncheon. If so, my advice is to explain your situation to the other bridesmaids and ask them to cover at least part of the $100 or if it really is the difference between feeding or not feeding your family ask them to cover all of it. Maybe you could offer more of your time in exchange for the money. The bride should have given you an idea of the potential expenses so that you could make an educated choice to accept her offer to be a bridesmaid. I hope this helps and good luck. J.

Best of luck to you, J.. I have not been in that exact situation, but I was asked to purchase a very expensive bridesmaid dress when I was a sophmore in college and had no job and no money of my own. I was unable to pay for the dress, so the bride ended up paying for half and considering it my "attendant gift". I borrowed the rest from my parents. I thought that was reasonable and it worked out fine. All that to say, there must be alternatives.

My friends and I have all had simple affairs where people were not expected to give a large amount of money. Unfortunately, that is not how everyone does things and unfortunately, not everyone views $100 in the same light. I am guessing the others in the party do not know you very well otherwise, they would have picked up on some verbal clues in the past that indicate you are not at leisure to toss money around. So, I guess you are faced with an uncomfortable situation. Honesty is the best advice I can give. I agree with another poster that you do not need to explain your finances to them. Simply call the MOH and let her know that is too steep for you and that you would like to find a way to offer more time and energy towards the event in lieu of money, otherwise you will have to decline participating. As long as you are sincere, kind and honest, I think it should go fine. Be sure they are aware that you want to help out (maybe offer to do the work for any favors they may be planning) and that you want to be supportive of your mutual friend, but that you are not in a position to provide the money.

It stinks, but think about all the financial burdens associated with a wedding: dress, possible group outing for hair/makeup/nails, gift, babysitting for multiple events, bachelorette outing(?) and now the luncheon. You could be paying in excess of $500... maybe more like $700. What family with a stay-at-home mom has that kind of money to spend on someone elses wedding? What about those who are being laid off (a reality these days) and those who are being forclosed on? Financial hardships are a reality these days and I hope these ladies are able to recognize that they are fortunate. When you do not have a family and you have a decent income, this can just be a fun way to spend your extra money. Unfortunately, that's not your situation. Being a SAHM is wonderful and I know these types of situations stink, but hopefully they will be infrequent. Hang in there.

Take care and let us know how it goes.
Liz

Hi J.,
I hear you because I was a bridesmaid for a friend and her bridal shower was costly so was the bachlerete party which was a 3 day weekend out of town. So flights and etc so it costed me nearly $ 1,000. once I attened 2 bridal showers , a bachlerette party, the dress, shoes, spa day and etc. I didn't have it and wish I had the courage to just tell my "friend " the bride I could not afford this extravgence but would love to be there for her special day. After that experience I ended up being a wedding coordinator and I suggest to the maid of honor to consider everyone's feelings and finances and let everyone contribute whatever they can money wise and work with that budget instead of asking everyone to shell out a certain amount. Maybe you'er crafty and can bring party favors to give out or you can do the games at the shower and prizes and that would be your contribution. Some games are: for example put Bride's and Groom's name on a paper and let guests make other names from their letters who has the most win something. ( after Valentine's Day is a great time to get 50% off boxes of chocolates, bath soaps and such from Bath and Body works etc but it won't cost you $100 maybe $20 or so and that may be more manageable. Put the prizes in a nice presentation gift bags and tissue paper from the dollar store of the colors of the wedding. Hope that helped and your friend will understand if she is a good childhood friend. Your other option is to decline to go due to childcare issue but that you'll be there for other functions to help celebrate your friend's special day because it truly comes down to you being there the day of the wedding and standing in for your friend. Take care and good luck. A. W

Is her mother's house big enough? My sister, SIL and I all had our showers at my parent's house. My girls made/bought the sides and my mom made the main dishes. My girls also bought the plates, cups etc. I felt it was very comfortable and homey having it there. Plus being from a large Irish family we are way too loud to have a luncheon in public.

the price of the shower should have been discussed with you before you were informed of what you had to kick in. you need to calmly inform the MOH that this is beyond your means and ask her what else you can to do to contribute. being asked to be in a wedding is indeed an honor, but it shouldn't be a financial train wreck for any of the bridesmaids.
khairete
S.

I'm just writing in about this one to see if someone could tell me the circumstances that surrounded those people who actually attended a shower or hosted a shower where the guests had to pay. I have never heard of that before and wonder if it was printed on the invite so people knew ahead of time or what?? I'm really just curious about that, because I think I'd be ticked off if I went to a shower for a friend, brought a gift, and then had to shell out money for my lunch.

On the side of the poster's original posting, I agree with most people who responded about talking to the MOH. Maybe, if it's not too late, you can suggest doing it in the mid afternoon and just have appetizers and snacks. Just a thought. Also, I have been to plenty of showers at people's homes where the house was really small and people were crammed in like sardines--- some of them turned out to be much more enjoyable than someplace else, so maybe you don't have to rule out offering up your place (unless it's a studio apartment of course...

Good luck and let us know how it all turns out.

It's almost always difficult to be in a "group" situation. The bridesmaids should have discussed the shower idea and laid out the prospective costs. You should have spoken up at that point if you couldn't afford it.
Yes, it would be tacky to have a luncheon shower and expect the guests to pay their own way. This is your party and they are the guests. They're already expected to bring a gift to the bride.
Hope you get this sorted out and that you can enjoy the festivities.

May I put my 2 cents in here? And this is just my opinion. In my experience, a bridal shower is a party that someone decides to throw for the bride. That person is the host, and therefore foots the bill. Costs can be high, so that's why often 2 or 3 or more people DECIDE to pool resources to cover the cost. So they are the hosts together. The guests are everyone else they want to invite, including probably the wedding party, and/or family and friends. Large or small group, no matter. The host(s) pay, the guests do not. It is rude to expect or demand payment for a bridal shower. Not to mention insensitive and presumptuous. I believe that bachelorette parties are a different story. I think there is more of a "pay your own way, but the bride doesn't pay" tradition for these parties. Weddings certainly can bring on the tension. The MOH is doing nobody a favor, including herself, by being so nasty. She should have ASKED the bridesmaids WHETHER they wanted to help her host (pay for) the bridal shower. The hosts put their names on the invitation. Then they come up with a guest list (which would include you, as a bridesmaid). I just hope the MOH is not bothering the bride about this. You just have to continue to be nice but honest, as you already are. There are always people who can afford to spend more on these sorts of things than others can. Anyone should realize that, and be respectful.

Who decided about the luncheon? How many bridesmaids? If it was the Maid of Honor, talk to her. Tell her that with the other financial obligations of being in the wedding you are unable to contribute more than for your own lunch. Explain to her your situation and you would love to help in other ways that don't cost anything. If she planned this on her own it was pretty presumptous of her that the bridesmaids would do this. Your family comes first! Good luck!

You're in a tough position. I always thought the organizers of the shower paid for the shower. She should have at least asked before organizing it this way. You may not be the only one that can't contribute. Even if I could, I wouldn't want to! I've been a bridesmaid more than 20 times. I've never had to contribute more than my dress for the wedding (on top of personal travel expenses if needed) and a dish or game with small token prizes at the shower. I paid for my own bridal shower and baby shower because I knew my sisters and mom couldn't afford to even though I gave them credit for organizing.

If I were in your position, I would be honest and tell the organizer first that you just can't afford it. If she's not nice about it then tell your friend, the bride. She's one of your best friends. She should understand. In turn, offer to opt out of being a bridesmaid. These are tough times in general. I'm not sure what your budget is and what you're going to do for the couple's wedding gift. An alternative would be to make this THE gift. But if you can't afford it, they should understand.

Hi, J. - I think it is unfair of the maid of honor to assume that everyone is okay with chipping it like that for the shower. There are different schools of thought about the guests paying for their own lunch; they are bringing gifts, so I suppose their lunch should be paid for. I do think you should be totally upfront with the maid of honor about your financial situation. Perhaps you could offer to do "the work" that a shower entails, in exchange for not putting up $100, i.e. send the invitations, pick ups, perhaps make a dessert, if the place will allow you to bring your own.........I hope this helps. Good luck! N.

Someone below mentioned she had no idea what Miss Manners would say to this, so I looked it up: http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/article.aspx?cp-do...

I will also quote her briefly, since Miss Manners and I are of one mind on this kind of outrageous situation:

"Since bridesmaids are, by definition, the bride's closest friends, Miss Manners is amazed at the callousness with which they are commonly treated."

In your situation, it sounds like either the bride or the maid of honor, or both, is suffering from a bad case of Bridezilla. Weddings are not theatrical productions people should have to fork over to get into. It's beyond rude that you should be asked to do this, but take the high road and just say you're sorry, you can't afford the cost of participating, and you look forward to attending as a guest. If, that is, you still want to go....