Bridal Shower/Should I or Shouldn't I?

I would just say that you are unable to throw a bridal shower at this time. You don't even have to give a reason, but I would say pregnancy and three small children suffice. Regardless, I would recommend that you not give up on this friendship, even though it has hit a bump. People do crazy things, but a true friend is someone that knows all about you and loves you anyway. It sounds to me like she is going to need you somewhere along the way.

If there needs to be a shower, the sister should plan it. Tell the sister you are too busy (you are, after all 7 months pregnant! and have three other children!), but you would be happy to make a dish to pass for the event. Don't feel guilty.

Here's my experience: Hubby is a soldier, so the Army dictates what & when we do, & even how sometimes. We were going to wait to get married for a few years, after he got out. A positive pregnancy test changed all of that in an instant! Took the test on Friday, got married the following Friday. I called my sisters (his were all in the same town) & parents, told them our happy news & told them they were more than welcome to come if they wanted to, sorry for the short notice & we understand if you can't. We got married Friday of Labor Day weekend in the courthouse w/his sisters & their kids not at school, my sister & her soldier hubby were able to come visit us that Saturday/Sunday & everyone else called w/their congrats. I got 3 gifts-one from my visiting sis, one from my parents & 1 from my mom's best friend. And I didn't expect any really since I had sprung the wedding news on them. I didn't get a shower either-again, no notice. (Hubby left for a month of school Monday night of that weekend.)

If her sister wants her to have a shower, why doesn't she hold it?!
You might have been being a brat, but I'm sure your feelings were hurt, especially if you've been friends for so long. But remember, SIL probably doesn't know who you are-did you know who she was? Friend probably didn't call to confirm because she had 4 days to throw together a wedding-she didn't have time to do much besides get dressed & buy a ring!
If you do want to do something for her, who says it's got to be a shower with gifts? What about a nice brunch at somebody's house (I volunteer the volunteering sis, personally)? All of the girlfriends can bring something-coffee cake, special pastries, fruit salad, egg dish, juice-& nobody is made to feel like they've got to come up with a gift for the 2nd time in a short period of time. And if there MUST be a gift, what about a nice journal that her friends write marriage & child-rearing tips in? Add some from Erma Bombeck, Dear Abbie, some helpful hints from Heloise, along w/some nice wedding/marriage/woman quotes. Viola-cheap & thoughtful.
If that doesn't work for you, throw it back to sis. "I've got so much on my plate now, with my young kids & a baby coming so soon..." You're entitled!

WOW, I am very surprised at the anger in most of these responses. This was her wedding and her choice. Of course she was not really thinking of anyone else....what bride does? I think this is more about your friendship. If it is worth keeping, then throw the shower for her and support your friend whether is through a long marriage or a divorce...or tell the sister that you would be glad to help with food or whatever, but you are not up to throwing the party right now (pregnancy) People will bring presents or not, but that is not your concern. If you decide that the friendship is not worth it anymore than stand your ground and keep your morals, but you will probably lose your friend. She has made her decision and whatever you decide will not affect anything, but her thoughts and feelings toward you.

I have been in her shoes and I do not believe that she has done anything wrong and she will have to live with the consequences of her decisions just like everyone else.

I meet my DH and he found out he was deploying 7 months later...(short version) He proposed and we went to the court house the next day. He called his best friend that night, the friend dropped everything and drove 2 hours the next morning just to stand next to my DH at the court house. It meant alot to us. We had lots of people against us and my best friend did not really like my DH, but she was there anyways. It has been 6 years, 2 deployments, 4 kids and a few rough patches later, but we are still going strong. In fact, my sister who was with her Hubby for 5 years before they married just got divorce after 3 years. You never know what life holds so I would suggest that you stand by your friend and help her enjoy her moment in the sun.

Good luck and grats on the new baby

Dear A.,
I live in an area where because of certain religious beliefs, most people are not even invited to the wedding just a reception. Where the bride and groom are hoping to recieve the gifts they wish for. I don't even attend the receptions, period. If I'm not good enough to attend the wedding, I'm not good enough to attend the reception. That's just my opinion. The Bridal shower issue is really a moot point, they are already married. Bridal Showers are for before the wedding, not after. And you were not in the wedding (such as bridesmaid, or Maid of honor) so your responsibility is over. If her sister wants her to have a Bridal shower then her sister should throw her one. And in this day and age coming up with a wedding gift can be hard enough, without have to come up with a shower gift the day before. Your friend needs to face it, she left people out and therefore she's lost out. If you wish go to her reception, if you wish give her a gift, but as for a shower that's a big NO!!!!!! That's my 2 cents worth. I hope it all works out for you. Take care.

A. J

Seems to m right at the present time you have 'your hands full' on the home front ! I really think it's perfectly appropriate to tell her sister that you really aren't up to it right now. We really do need to set boundaries for our own health. Even if the bride is a long time friend, if her behavior has been uncharacteristic, all the more reason to bow out very politely ~ a gift at the open house, if you've not yet given one & wish her well !

I just want to agree with Kam. Sometimes people disregard how important their girlfriends are when they are in the middle of getting engaged and married, but she will realize her mistake and regret it, and if you can be forgiving enough to be there for her through it all, you will both be glad.

But I also like the idea of saying, "I can't throw her a shower, but I would love to attend."

I would tell this sister (I'm wondering if the bride put her up to it?) that if she wants to throw a shower that she is welcome to, but no, you will not. It is something that the bride is honored with, it isn't a given, especially when it is a rushed wedding, that has already happened and you don't support the wedding.
I agree with the other comment to not write off the friendship. I have two friends that both married not-nice men. We don't have the closeness like we used to and they are really different people now, but I keep in touch and let them know that I am here. I am hoping that they will realize their mistakes at some point. I will be here if they do, and if they don't, I still have a relationship with them, even if somewhat limited.

My first thought was that you should support her in her choices, because as her long time friend, that is what we do, regardless of our instant reactions to protect them as well!

Then I read the entire thing, and I think she is being inconsiderate of everyone involved other than herself and her husband - She is acting selfishley and not considering anybody else in the equation. Not to mention, especially her good friend of 14 years who is due with her 4th and already has 3 other little ones at home (I have 4 in 6 years and am still in the "little" stage and it is hard!) She should have thought to give people more time to purchase gifts, work her life events into their busy lives, and allow those gracious enough to throw her showers and receptions time to do so (as if just planning these events isn't overwhelming enough when time is on your side). It sounds like she is making it extra hard for all those that truly love her to enjoy this exciting event along with her! If it wasn't forced upon you last minute, you would probably have a much happier feeling about supporting her, regardless of your disagreement with her choices. This is a sticky situation, but one that can affect your future friendship. Make sure you show the love you can, but at the same time, don't allow her to take advatage of you and cross boundaries!

HI A.,
Perhaps you could just call up a few of her close friends and get together at a restaurant (everyone pays their own tab. Let everyone share a toast to her and have a nice lunch/dinner in her honor. No planning on your part rather than the phone calls and letting the restaurant know you are coming. There is no need to follow tradition here, since she didn't do that either. But there is also no reason to focus on the negatives. Although your feelings have been understandably hurt, try to go with the impromptu nature of this event and join the quick celebration with as little hassle as you can.
Take care,
B.

I have never been asked to throw someone a shower. I have always felt honored to honor a loved one with a shower - it being my choice!

If they are already married, should she have a shower? I googled bridal shower after marriage and got a myriad of answers. A shower the night before the reception does sound like a lot all at once, and it makes is sound like they are asking for gifts. If her sister wants her to have one, why doesn't she throw it?

Maybe instead her group of friends could go out and celebrate with dinner and drinks.

You have a lot on your plate already and are totally justified with not wanting to do this. Could you maybe get together at a restaurant with her closest friends and call it a "shower"? Explain that with the short notice and with the baby on the way this is works for you, and then no one is forking out a lot for a big production. Good luck!

I have a lot of experience in the wedding area. First off, let me point out that you are not responsible for a bridal shower. It is your choice to throw one for your friend or not. The second thing that I need to mention is that if a person is invited to a bridal shower and brings a gift for the couple, it is NOT expected that they provide a wedding gift as well. One gift is all that is required by the rules of ettiqute. If I were in your shoes, I would respectfully decline throwing the shower, even using your pregnant state as the excuse if you feel you need one. Then you are removed from the akward situation that is being created, and come to the reception with your one gift and leave it at that.

Ultimately, if you don't want to, or aren't comfortable hosting a shower, then you shouldn't do it. You haven't offered, you have been asked by someone else, probably because they don't want to do it themselves. You don't have to say why you don't want to do it, so you don't "cause" problems or tension (even though, you aren't responsible for this situation). Use your kids, and your pregnancy as an excuse....feel free to say that you want her to have a beautiful shower, but you are so busy with your family, and exhausted from your pregnancy that you just can't commit, and won't be able to do anything more than attend...sorry! Don't offer to help, don't offer to do anything, and if pushed, simply say no, and that they are making you feel uncomfortable, which puts the ball back in their court. If need be, since you mentioned money, tell them that in addition to everything else, you really don't have the money to host a shower.

You are under no obligation whatsoever to host the shower, and anyone expecting you to feel as though you should needs a lesson in social niceties.

Dear A.,
First, I am maybe a little "out of the times", but why is her sister asking someone to give her a shower? I was always taught that that would be in very poor taste. If you wanted to give her a shower, you can decide that without being asked to do it. Being that you had NOT DECIDED to have one, you should not have been asked to do so. Where have manners gone?
That being said, I do not think you should feel pressured to give her a shower. Do it only if, and when you feel comfortable in doing so. I won't even go there, on what my ideas are on her decisions, that is not mine to judge. However, she is going to need a lot of prayers that this commitmentis a lasting one.
As for you, A., I wish you much happiness with your 3 children & husband. I pray for a wonderful arrival of your baby in August, and please do not let this thing with your friend cause you even one moment of stress.

If it were me, there's no way I would go to the trouble of a last minute bridal shower! It is very inconsiderate to ask you and it would be inconsiderate to expect other people to show up for it at the last minute, and as you point out, with the expectation of another gift. Just wish her well and hope it all turns out okay.

I got a little lost as to what the actual question is because of the whole story, but here's what I think, and it may make it simple for you. First of all, the point of going to a wedding is to be supportive of the couple. If you don't support the wedding/vows (and it sounds like you didn't) you shouldn't have been there, even if you've know the girl for 14 years. By being there, you were saying, "I totally support this decision you are making and am happy for you both", which wasn't true. Friendship is a two way street, and she is obviously not putting as much into the friendship as you are. What about her makes her your friend? Just something to think about. Second, calling you 4 days in advance of her wedding wasn't really acting like your "best" friend. Ok, I think I found your question after reading it again. Were I you, I would invite your "friend" over for lunch and explain to her that you love her, and you are concerned about her being married to this guy. Yes, you will be jeopardizing your "friendship" with her. Tell her that because you love her so much, and friends are supposed to look out for each other, you wish her well, but can't in good heart support the vows, or throw her a shower. Yes, she will be pissed off at you, but probably only until she gets a divorce from the guy, and hopefully there won't be any children mixed up in that mess. She is very immature for a 27 year old "woman" and needs to grow up. When it all falls apart, and she matures, she will come crawling back realizing you were right. But if she doesn't, she wasn't really your friend at all. Just because you know someone for 14 years, does not make her your best friend. People grow apart even if they still speak on a regular basis. Sounds like you have grown up, and she hasn't. It sounds like you know the right thing to do, but the idea that she is your "best" friend is keeping you from doing it. You can't compromise your morals and values because of that. Have you ever noticed that the right thing to do is always the hardest. Throwing her a shower just to please her would be the easy thing to do. Standing up for your values is the hard and right thing to do. Simple as that. I bet your husband would be super proud of you for standing your moral ground with her. He is probably tired of the drama more than you are.

p.s. who cares about wedding etiquette! Compromising your morals and values takes precedence over that! Don't be silly, be a grown woman.

It sounds like:

#1 - they are being rather disrespectful of you, your time, and your money (bridal showers do cost the person who throws them). If they really considered you a good friend, there would be more respect.

#2 - You don't think that this marriage is a good idea. Throwing a shower says that you support it.

You'll have to make your own decision about whether to do this or not. If it were me, the two observations above would weigh heavily on my decision.

Are you really serious!? Wow, some people have nerve!
Agreed, if you don't feel comfortable throwing the shower, then don't do it. PERIOD. Just say thanks for giving me the opportunity to throw the shower but I will be unable to at this time.

Not having read all the responses, I must agree with the naysayers. You don't have an obligation to pull off a bridal shower instantly (or ever, for that matter). It's a gift of your time and heart. With three kids, one on the way, and no time to plan a shower, why would you? At any rate, if need another excuse, I'd also go with the "No time to plan it into our budget" because of the short notice. Good luck. Please let us know what happens.

Are you freaking serious!? I can't believe they have the audacity to ask!!!!!!! Just explain to them, that because its incredibly short notice, you have other commitments and are not able to put something together in 4 days! How crazy! Buy them a nice cheap gift card and say best of luck! I can't believe that! My husband's cousin met and married a girl in 2 weeks, not a year later they were divorced. Its hard to justify spending 5 bucks on a card and getting anything when you know its going to fall through. If you're good friends, maybe you should talk to her about it and explain what you've seen over the years and that maybe it would be better to wait a little while. Marriage is hard work, and a pain in the butt to end. I know I've done things that I ask my friends, 'Why didnt you say anything!?!?!?!!" while she may not be receptive, its worth a try! Good luck with this one sister!