Breaking Point

Hi T.,
I have to admit right up front that I don't do attachment parenting and don't know much about it. But what I DO know is that as a mom, I need a space that is just for ME. Call it selfish, but sometimes I need to just be alone. It sounds like you are not giving that to yourself in any way, shape or form. Could you maybe do without the co-sleeping? That way, your bedroom could be your space ( and your husband's) and not an extension of the family room. ( Besides, how in the world do you have "alone time" with your husband if the kids are always there?!) Anyway, if you can't let go of co-sleeping, then maybe you have another room that could become your "retreat".

I have a three year old as well. and she is VERY vocal, very curious, and loves to learn about her world. Constantly. Non-stop. I've actually resorted to saying " That's just the way it is, there is no why" which I swore I would never do. So I do feel some of your pain! Check out Moxie-moms (www.moxie-moms.com) They have tons of events all over the Denver metro area ( and other states as well) and it's great for a SAHM because most events are during the day. We also have some Mom's night out events and some book clubs that will give you a chance to take a break. This will also help you meet other moms and maybe break out of your shell. I feel you on that one too; I'm a young mom and found it really hard to approach other moms because I was afraid they wouldn't take me seriously. It has helped to join a structured group like this, where everyone is open and wanting to meet new friends. You could also check out meetup.com which has several different groups according to interest and is free to join.

My best advice to you would be to get some time for yourself ( even if it's just sleeping by yourself!). Just because you have to recharge your batteries sometime sdoesn't make you a bad mom- it makes you a human being. Stop feeling like you have to be "on" all the time! You can't be! And if you keep trying, your kids will suffer because of it.
Good luck!

I don't know if I'll be able to help that much, but I'll give it a shot. Reading your little description it sounds like you're into attachment parenting, is that correct? We are, too. We do bf'ing, babywear, cloth dipes, organic foods, natural home cleansers, and started out cosleeping but that wasn't working out for anyone so that has stopped. Just so you know that I'm kind of on the same wavelength as you.

My kids are 3 and 10 months. My oldest did just start preschool 2x a week. He sounds very much like your 3yo. He's a very active, precocious little bugger. School is *wonderful* for him. It was a hard decision to make, but I'm so glad we did. He is thriving there and it gives me some alone time with the baby. My kids never seem to nap at the same time so I am housebound from pretty much 12:30 until 4. By then it's too late to go and do anything! If you aren't ready to look into any kind of preschool program, the thing that really helped me was being very structured. Our schedule this summer was like this:

6:30 wake up.
6:30-7:00 TV time (he loved to was Peep on TLC)
7:00-8:00 playtime
8:00 breakfast
8:00-9:00 - activity. I would do an art project or we would go and garden or something.
9:00-11:00 - errands (nap for baby). I would run a couple of errands and then we head to the park or to the library. These are great places to meet other moms and kids
11:00-12:00 - playtime at home
12:00-12:30 - lunch
12:30 - nap for baby, quiet time for my son. Read books, listen to music, watch a movie if I'm really having a tough day.
Sometime between 1 and 2 would be nap time for my son. He generally sleeps between 2-3 hours at nap time. After nap time it was much more casual than in the mornings. I never planned anything because naps were always somewhat unpredictable. If the weather is nice we head outside, or he would do some paint w/ water books or just play with his trains until my husband got home. This is when I cleaned house, which I had my son help me with.

Anyway, a pretty tight schedule was a saving grace for me. I was going nuts until I forced myself to be organized. And still, once my husband came home I let him take over with the kids while I finish laundry and get dinner together.

I don't know if it will help but I have a ton of sites bookmarked for activities to do w/ preschoolers. There are some really great ideas here:

http://www-personal.engin.umich.edu/~ajdrake/toddler/open...

http://www.atozkidsstuff.com/toddlers.html

http://www.childreninclearningcenter.org/id62.html

http://www.lil-fingers.com/links/

http://k12education.preferredconsumer.com/preschool/toddl...

http://www.preschoolexpress.com/

http://www.preschoolrainbow.org/toddler-theme.htm

http://familyfun.go.com/parenting/child/dev/specialfeatur...

http://www.amazingmoms.com/htm/kidscooking.htm

http://www.niehs.nih.gov/kids/musicchild.htm

http://www.raisingourkids.com/freecoloring/

http://www.coloring.ws/simple_shapes.htm

http://www.crayola.com/newsletter/toddler.cfm

http://www.colleenschildcare.com/craft-coloring.htm

http://www.magickeys.com/books/

http://home.mchsi.com/~preciousmiracles/favorite.htm

http://www.sparklesatfocdc.com/links/468767.asp

http://www.2coolbaby.com/crafts.htm

http://www.yougetinfo.com/Freebies/Printabl.html

http://www.peoria.lib.il.us/Youth_Services_Folder/pages/t...

Lots of good stuff here. The lil fingers site is one of our favorites.

so is www.pbs.org and www.nickjr.com

Hope that helps some, good luck to you!

Hello, I feel for you because it really sounds like you are not enjoying life as much as you would like at this point. ANd I think we all in some way are trying to figure out what life should really be when we stay home with our precious children. It is hard to find our thing and what will make us happy. I am working on that myself. I do love being with my children and feel very lucky to have that luxury or glad to have made that choice for our life. I do have to say preschool for us is an absolute saving grace, my son gets his needs met for someone other than me and I get a little break from him (still have 9 mo old but she gets some much needed one on one with me, something I feel the 2nd child misses out on a bit)- also it has connected me with other moms, it may not happen over night but it does in time as children from some friendships. Think about it.

Hi T.,

You ve already had few pieces of advice already and since I don't have much time (I am sorry), I just wanted to say that I think you already are doing a GREAT job with your kids. I really like your philosophy about parenting:
You are saying... "I love teaching our boys, we're very involved (I'm very tired ;). We co-sleep, I'm an extended breastfeeder, baby wearing, no cows milk (except for a treat), no crying it out, no spanking, yoga (when I have time, like twice a week) mom." UNFORTUNATELY not many moms do (or can do) what you do with your children. I really hope things will get better for you on the issues you have (I am sure you will be fine). GOOD LUCK and again WELL DONE Super MOM!!!

I would suggest either a MOPS program at your church or a church near by. They offer a lot of help and advice and it's a good break from your kids for a couple hours. And knowing you cna check on them whenever you like allows you to enjoy your own time. I would honestly think about a preschool or parents day out program for your 3 year old. They are never too young to start. My nephew sounds a lot like your son and this has helped him tremendously and he loves it and my sister loves the break. I put my daughter in a PDO program when she was two and she loved being with other kids and constantly being interacted with for four hours. I would research it and seriously consider it and they aren't that expensive either. I was theonly one that worked out of the mothers and they all loved the fact that they could have a couple hours on or two days a week to escape.

Hey T.,

What state do you live in?

M.
new mom of 3 month old boy

hi T.

hang in there! it always seems hard to meet new people, just keep putting yourself out there! i too am not the most social butterfly in the world! just enjoy your kids while you can trust me they grow so fast and before you know it they'll be at school all day and you'll miss having them around! keep doing what your doing, take them to that park, walk now that the weather is cooling off etc etc etc. 3 year olds are real rambunctios you gotta channel that energy into positiveness. try to maybe take a walk and take a zip loc bag and let your 3 yr old find things that interest him...leaves and bugs and stuff and bring em home and if you are near a library that may be a good place to let him interact with other kids his age at story time and you with other moms. i know that border's bookstores do storytime friday mornings at 10:30 too...i know when a 3 year old is rambunctios it is hard to take them to places when you worry about there behavior, but it will be good for both of you. say for example you take him to storytime and he is being a bit rowdy, just quietly excuse yourselves and leave. explain to him that if he wants to stay he needs to sit nicely with the other kids. and you know what? dont worry about it! he needs to learn about the world around him. dont worry about what other people think & stay consistent. as far as weight? you'll lose it i think all of us moms feel the pressure to look thin again! i have trying for years to get my belly flat again! just take your time, dont go for fad diets, just eat sensibly...whole grains, fruits vegies, lean meats and chickena and alot of water! your body will lose weight to where it is healthy.

i hope that you meet a nice person to hang around with, just keep making baby steps! talk to a stranger, smile at someone i am sure that you dont say stupid things, so try to just not worry about it! dont let fear get the best of ya. best of luck
:)
L.

Ps try joining a church, there are alot of moms there and they may get together during the week for social time or a bible study with day care. also MOPS is a great program. :)

i know how you feel about wanting to get the baby wieght off, i also gained a good 60pounds with my pregnacy, where abouts are you? i live right by fashion square also & have a 5 1/2month old son

Hi T.,
Hang in there! I am a stay at home mom of 3 who also homeschools. You are at the hardest point of your mommy hood! The transition of one to two and the second being so young. I seariously did not get "happy" until my second turned one and can walk. We also do the co-sleeping thing and I do breast feed each child until 2 1/2. Your at what I like to call the "zombie/robot zone." You are basically doing everything your suppose to but not "feeling and living" life. You know what? It's okay.....time will go by soooo fast. My oldest is 9, my second is 7, and youngest is 3. I remember where your at as one of my toughest times but seariously it went by so fast! Also about the weight thing. I also gain quite a bit with each pregnancy. 50lbs each with both girls, then 65lbs. with my little guy. The difference with me is that I lived in San Diego at the time (moved here a year ago) and made sure I lost my prego weight before the next child. So I get the whole weight gain thing. As a matter of fact, I am constantly trying to loose weight and maintain. I guess as a woman you just don't stop trying to loose weight. It is a consious decision everyday of what to eat and when to excersise. I will agree with you that once you feel better about yourself and body is when you can be a happier mommy. With that being said, I am more than happy to help you with any weight loss venture. I have been on it all! On line weight watchers, slim fast, etc. Right now, I am just eating low carb. Do remember I grew up in Southern California.
All mommies are size 5 and are obsessed with looks. It is alot different here in Tucson I will say. Okay, hope this help and email me if you want any support or just to vent. I hear ya girl! Just remember ..........it's okay, you are doing great.

Love and peace always,
A.

Hi T.!
First let me say you are not alone! My son is vey similar to your 3 year-old, and was 20 months when I had my daughter. I had a very difficult time when my son was born and adjusting to being a SAHM...it IS the toughest job anyone can ever have! I have had days of complete insanity and a few days of bliss with my children, and I have felt exactly as you have many, many times! My son is almost 4 now, and my daughter just turned 2. I still have good days and bad days, but it is getting easier. I use to be incredibly shy, but find that my isolation being a SAHM has brought to a point where I am more comfortable reaching out to people and starting conversations. I use to be so shy I bought books on how to start small talk and be social! Now I have my own home-based business that requires me to reach out to people I don't know, and I am LOVING it! You are going to have to get past the fear of talking to others, and that starts with being confident in who you are. I have to admit, you and I probably don't see eye to eye on parenting, but most people respect that you are the parent of your child and respect that you make the choice of how to parent him. I could go on and on, but here are a few suggestions!

1. Join a Mom's group. Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) is a great organization that encourages moms and gives you a chance to meet other moms who are usually going through all that you are. I have been going to MOPS for 3 years now and it has helped me keep my sanity! Go to www.mops.org to find a group near you. Don't be afraid to go by yourself. Call the coordinator of the group you want to attend or email them and let them know exactly what you said here on Mamasource. They will match you up with someone so you don't feel like you are by yourself. My group meets twice a month, we have food for the first 1/2 hour or so, chat with other moms at our table, and then have a speaker that talks about mom-related topics, and we sometimes do a craft. You may be able to find a ride with someone nearby who goes if transportaton is an issue!

2. Do you have a library near you or bookstore? Go to storytime, talk to other moms (even if it is scary!)

3. Start your own playgroup and invite people over to hang out for an hour or two.

4. Call your local church to see if there is a Mom's group. I found one close to me that just met for playdates in their Sunday School rooms during the week. Little friends, different toys, and you get a chance to be around other moms.

5. If you have a few friends in your area that have little kids, start a once a week meeting after the kiddos are in bed. We have a group of about 8 moms that get together Wed night at 8:30pm and just hang out and talk.

Most of all, don't be afraid to reach out. I was, and once I finally did I found that there are so many moms that have the same issues! I hope this has helped. I live in South Gilbert, so we aren't that close, or I would say let's get together! I hope you are able to find the support you need! SAHM-hood can't be done alone!

I hope you take this the right way - I am trying to help. I could not help but respond to your sad message. You sound so stressed, tired, frustrated and desperate. Our daughter is about to turn 3, and while I adore her, this age is challenging. I am concerned that you are trying to be superwoman. Would you consider co-sleeping OR extended nursing (the 3 yr. old)? You must be so worn out, that I can't imagine you have much more to give. Your son sounds like he knows who the boss is (him) and you are at his mercy. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean that I am the boss, I don't believe I "own" my child, or not support her becoming her own person. I want her to have a strong personality, but I also expect her to respect us and follow a few simple rules. I don't believe in spanking either but I do think parents are afraid to let their kids cry at all these days, and I don't understand why? Kids cry, esp. 2-3 year olds! It is normal, healthy development. They cry about limits, rules and esp. not getting their way. But they sure need all of those things, because you are raising an adult and that's what this world demands. I also can't imagine he is getting enough sleep with the baby and his parents in bed every night. My daughter is a totally different person if she is under-slept or hasn't eaten well. She sleeps about 11 hours a night and a 2 hour nap each day. Is he getting around that much sleep?
As for friends (for you and him) I think he see's your hesitation and fear of others and may not know how to socialize successfully. We all made mistakes in our teens, don't let it scare you away from living your life. We all needs friends outside of our spouses. Open up, share yourself. I hope you make some adjustments in your household to make life better for all of you.

T.,

You should join a mom's group. I am not sure where Fashion Island is but I belong to a group that is based in the Highlands neighborhood and it is great. I do not live in the Highlands and still enjoy the comraderie of the group. Check it out.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/alpinemommaCOOP/

Hi T.,
When my son was 3yrs old he was very hyper, energetic, active...all of the above. i was at my witt's end and did not know how to handle such active child. We decided to place him in Taekwondo class. It has helped tremendously. Our son is now 4yrs old and the Taekwondo class has taught him a lot of discipline and control. His behavior improved and he understands the reward system (what's right and wrong)...he is also making choices like a big boy. Of course there are still days when he wears me down but overall his hyperness improved!

Hi,
good for you for reaching outon-line for advice!! PLEASE look into a local MOPS (mother's of preschooloers) group. They meet 2 times a month, usually at a local church. What a great place to get support and meet friends. They have scholarship programs if you are financially unable to pay the fees. You chat over breakfast foods and coffee, have guest spaeakers, samll group discussions, and crafts and games. SOOOOO mcuh fun. A great way to meet other moms and have time away from your kids. The childcare providers are all very kind and supportive of your needs. They all have background checks done on them and are very strict about who can pick your child up if it is not you. They even have MOMS night out several timea a year and park days. I have made some very special and kind and supportive friends through MOPS. Can't say enough good things about it! Good luck!
C.

well i can't help with a lot of your problems, but i too desperately want to drop the baby weight. I dont excercise much on my own. If you'd like, we could possibly work out together. My child can't play with your since she's only 3 months, but I have dogs *s*
E-mail me and we can chat. ____@____.com

T.,
I know how you feel and I only have one little one. It can be very stressful and very trying at times. The most important thing is that you get some support and have some adult conversations. I suggest finding a play group or several to get you out of the house 2-3 times a week. Check out meetup.com (its free and easy) or look to local churches in search of M.O.P.S. (Mothers of Preschoolers) groups. As far as you making stupid comments or being shy remember that we moms all have the same goal, to raise our kids to the best of our ability. Build on that for some convo that is safe and easy. Start a conversation by asking advice about something. That way you are listening for alot of the time and don't have to guide the conversation and feel like you have to pry to keep
convo going.

Also,
Make time for yourself. When daddy comes home work out some time (even if its after the kids bedtime) to read a book you like, take a hot bath, pull out the yoga mat, have a cup of tea or do something JUST FOR YOU! You can be a better mommy when you take time to care for yourself because you will have a renewed sense of patience and calmness to pass on to your kids. See if you can leave the kids with grandma or hubby on the weekends for a few hours for a pedicure or some brain dead mall walking. Make it a priority to take care of you.

Hang in there,
M.

I organize a meetup group for moms just like yourself. I don't know what city your in but feel free to check us out.

Mommy n Me
http://moms.meetup.com/1136/about/

Dear T.:

I was a stay at home mom in the first 12 months for my now 3 year old daughter. I also did co-sleeping, but that was for the convenience of breast-feeding late at night. At that time, I was going stir crazy. I never felt like I was taking care of me. I felt like being a mommy was more important than doing little things for myself. I stopped breast-feeding on my daughters first birthday. I just decided I can't be attached to her all the time, the same day I started having her sleep in her crib (but still in my bedroom). To my surprise two days later she was sleeping through the night!!! It was hard for me to really go from breast-milk to cows milk (I just don't believe it's really that healthy), so I went to soy and straight to a sippy cup.
In one week, I went from breast-feeding to a sippy (no bottles), not sharing a bed, sleeping through the night, and most importantly finding sanity!!!
I, then, started to incorporate a little more time for me. I would get up a little earlier (because now I wasn't exhausted like I had been)to exercise helping with self-esteem and post-baby fat. (I gained 96lbs in my pregnancy.) I started putting her to bed by herself by 8:30pm each night giving us adult time together. This allowed us to feel more independent and like we had more to offer other parents, which exponentially increased our circle of friends and playdates!!!!

If i may make a suggestion, without seeming rude. i think maybe you should consider dropping him off at a day care for 2 or 3 hours a few times a week. It might make best for both of you. Explaine to him thats its just play time not that you are abondoning him and its good for him to get out and make friends, it also make him more calm when he is around other kids if its more often. It might be that he just gets so excited since it doesnt happen all the time that he is almost out of control. Hope that helps.