Boyfriend Is Having a Baby with His Ex Girlfriend

Updated on April 18, 2017
C.M. asks from Daly City, CA
34 answers

Hi ladies,
I am really torn and don't know how to proceed. I have been divorced for 4 years and have a 7 year old son. I met a man 4 months ago and we have been in a serious relationship. He also has been divorced (twice) and has two kids (1 from each marriage)--yes, I know.... Things have been going really well and we love each other. Yesterday, he told me that he just found that his ex-girlfriend is expecting a baby from him. They broke up in August last year.. Not sure why she would tell him that just now when she is almost due. It was very shocking for me to hear that and I am having a hard time processing the news..
My mind tells me I have to end it with him because I can't deal with the consequences and the drama and I don't want to expose my son to all this.
I feel betrayed, confused and very hurt. He tells me that he wants to have a future with me and also be a part of that child's life. At this point, I don't even want to see him or talk. I told him I need some time and space. In reality, I don't think I can pretend that we can be the same and move beyond this. We are both educated adults with great careers and loving families. Where do you go from here?

What can I do next?

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J.C.

answers from Anchorage on

You have only been dating for 4 months and you just found out he has a lot more baggage than you bargained for, there is no shame in ending the relationship. I know for myself I could never date a man with multiple children with multiple ex's because I just don't want or need that kind of drama in my life, so that is a deal breaker for me. Especially with one of the children being a newborn, if I wanted to raise another child I would have one of my own. I would walk away from this one.

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J.C.

answers from Philadelphia on

Wow, when I was in my early 20's I broke up with a guy that told me after a few dates he was divorced. I had no baggage and I didn't want a guy with an ex wife although he didn't have children. The next guy I dated ended up being my husband. So glad I waited for him!

(If I found myself single today I would date a divorced guy but he would certainly have to be without drama since I have 2 girls to think about too)

End it now and be glad you are not the one carrying another one of his children.

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N.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

It's not like he's been having sex with her and she just got pregnant. This isn't something that's even happening TO you. It's happening to HIM. He just found out she's pregnant. This isn't his fault. You are making it all about you and you shouldn't.

We all have baggage. I bet if you look in the mirror you have some stuff he doesn't know about that he might not have an easy time processing too. But I bet he'd sit down and listen to you and be rational about it and see what happens next.

And there's no way he shouldn't be part of HIS CHILD'S life. It is completely selfish of you to expect him to have children and not be in their life.

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E.J.

answers from Chicago on

You and your son will maybe be #4&5 on his priority list.

You and your son will be after child #1
After child #2
After child#3
After co-parenting with baby mamas (4,5,&6)
After job to pay child support for ( 1,2&3)

So having a 'future' with this man means scheduling your and your son's lives around these priorities. Is this the 'future' you want for you and your son?

So, wait, that makes you guys 7&8 on the list.

His children derserve to have all his time and resources. Please don't invest in a relationship with him and take these away from those kids.

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E.B.

answers from Honolulu on

I'm concerned that you met this man only 4 months ago, but declare yourself to be in a serious relationship. Really, that's 120 days! That's not nearly enough time to call your relationship "serious" and to be considering a future together. Love, the kind that develops into a family, takes time. 120 days isn't enough. Sure, sometimes love happens at first sight, but growing the relationship, deepening the bonds, and developing a true and lasting love takes time and devotion and care.

This man will now have three different children with three different mothers, plus you and a step-son. That's four different families! Imagine the amount of time he will have to devote to seeing each child, dealing with different school systems and parent teacher conferences, answering ex-wives' and girlfriend's legal demands and complaints, paying all kinds of child support, plus trying to be a step-father to your son and trying to be in his other children's lives.

Your son needs a devoted and stable father. This man will be pulled in so many different directions. Your son will see little of him. It's hard enough when there is one former family. This guy has three. Don't let you and your son be the fourth.

Spend your time creating a secure, loving, structured, safe home for your son. Boyfriends can wait. Your son needs to grow up knowing what real love is.

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H.W.

answers from Portland on

I think you walk away from this. Either he is not being honest with you (and knew all along about the baby) or things became so contentious with him that she wouldn't even tell him she was pregnant, which is also deeply concerning.

Your instinct to shield your son from extra drama is a wise one. Listen to it. He has not made a future with *any* of these other women. Pay attention to this man's actions, not his words. Sorry.

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M.G.

answers from Portland on

He's had (having) 3 children with three different women - and he didn't end up staying with any of them.

I think that says it all.

If you were my friend or sister, I'd tell you that you can do better. So can your son.

I wouldn't feel betrayed (you can let go of that emotion) unless he hadn't told you about this girlfriend at all - or he actually knew about the baby beforehand and just kept it from you. Since you feel betrayed, I'm guessing you are wondering this.

For me, knowing a man had 2 other families before I dated him, would have made me go slow - being in a serious relationship after 4 months .. consider this a good chance to get out, now. You had a messy divorce (from the sounds of your other questions). You don't need more drama.

If you need another way to look at this - think of down the road a few years. He'll be dealing with 3 exes, ...

11 moms found this helpful

L.U.

answers from Seattle on

I don't know you or him....BUT...I don't believe that he didn't know.
Come on. He probably started dating you and didn't think anything serious was going to happen and didn't tell you. Now, you are "serious" and he needs to tell you.
Listen, I have a son that is not my husband's biological son. He has a son that I have never even met (he is in a different country). I think that blended families can work out great.
AS LONG AS THEY ARE BUILT ON TRUTH AND TRUST.
I don't think that you can trust this man. He has been married twice and has kids from each marriage AND he has an ex girlfriend who is about to have a kid.
He sounds pretty irresponsible to me! Four months is not long enough to be serious.
I would dump him like a hot potato and be happy that I avoided the drama of a "man" with three (3!!) ex's with kids in your life. Imagine.

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J.F.

answers from Las Vegas on

Trust your gut.
Rip the band-aid off now and end it. Yes, this will hurt, but in the long run you will look back and thank yourself that you had the courage to get out of this before you invested any more of your time and your heart or exposed your son any further to all of this.

I think you know deep down that you deserve a better situation than this.

8 moms found this helpful

D.D.

answers from Boston on

This might not be the guy for you. I think you need to look at this with open eyes and see him for who he really is. He's divorced twice and has an ex who is pregnant. There will be drama no matter how well this goes. Add in the fact that there's child support for 3 kids in his future (and if there isn't that's a BIG red flag). Not saying he's a bad guy but you need to give some hard thought about if you want this kind of baggage in your life.

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S.S.

answers from Atlanta on

You sound like your 19 years old and know the world.

I don't understand how after 4 months, that's about 120 days! You're in love? Really? I didn't know I was in love with Tyler until we had been dating for about 9 months. I knew I liked him, but "love"? No.

I don't know why you feel betrayed. He didn't cheat on you. He seems to have told you as soon as he learned of it.

I would ask him where I'm going to be on his priority list after this. He has two ex-wives, two kids. Now he will have 3 kids to support. Are you sure you want to be part of the train he has going? You already figured it out. Why are you asking a group of strangers if you should do something different?

tell him you wish him the best of luck and hope he has a great future, with someone else.

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D.B.

answers from Boston on

I don't see that he betrayed you - she got pregnant when he was dating her, which was before he met you. So this baby is no different from his 2 other kids in that they pre-date you. If it's true that he just found out, then he told you right away.

That said, he's got 3 children, 3 exes, and a whole lot of child support and obligations. For some reason, his most recent ex didn't tell him about her pregnancy, and that's a bit of a red flag. Maybe she's ridiculous and he's too easy going, but maybe he's not a good communicator. (And I'm not even getting into the possibility that this isn't his baby - but if she's difficult, I hope he verifies it.) He's not going to have any time for you and your son. And if he does, he's neglecting his other children.

This is a 4 month relationship. It might be warm and lovely and exciting, but it's not a deep and long-standing relationship yet. I know you have hoped for that, and that you are ready to be with someone after a 4 year divorce. This probably felt wonderful for you, and yeah, now it hurts to think it's got to end. Maybe he's the kind of guy who's great in the beginning while things are new and fresh and sexy and flirty, but not so great for the long haul. There's no way to know that now.

Trust your gut. You say there's too much here to process, and there's drama, and I say there are too many personalities and people and kids involved. I know it hurts. I think you should trust yourself and end it. If it helps, give it a year until the baby is born and he's well into fatherhood with that child as well as his other two. But that can make you pine away for him too, rather than move on with your life. Your son cannot continue with this man while you wait to see how things play out with the other families.

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B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

Well he's soon to be divorced twice with 3 kids to support.
Doesn't sound like there's a lot of room for you and your son in his life.
Just tell him to go raise/support his kids and get a vasectomy and/or try not to get anyone else pregnant.
I know you've been divorced for 4 years - so you'd think you might be ready to try again.
Have you considered being friends with several guys for a long time (like several years) to really get to know them BEFORE you get into any serious relationships with them?
It seems to me that being in a rush to get serious is some sort flag going up that you're not ready.

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R.A.

answers from Boston on

You've been together for four months , and now he has the responsibility of another child on the way. It's sounds like with all these kids with different mamas and child support and responsibilities,, yeah. It's a bit much. I just don't see how much of a relationship he will have with you. He's got his hands full. There are way too many people involved in his life. I just see drama and heartache, personally.

He told you, which is good , but really it's a bit much.

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K.M.

answers from New York on

I'm not sure why you feel betrayed and hurt. He just found out and told you as soon as he knew.
That being said, he has waaaaaaaay too much baggage.

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W.W.

answers from Washington DC on

Welcome back, Kate!

Holy Moly...your man has some baggage.

He didn't cheat on you. You need to think this through. Personally? I would question your love for him if you are willing to dump him over this. He didn't cheat. He wasn't smart. But he didn't cheat.

You've already got drama with him. TWO marriages and TWO kids. That's baggage.

If you're not okay with this? How are you okay with his other kids?

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A.L.

answers from Atlanta on

I think your instinct is taking you in the right direction. This guy may be a really nice human being and you may have had a good connection, however there is no way he's going to be able to invest deeply in a relationship with you and your son when he's got three other young children AND their mothers with whom he has prior commitments. That's the logical piece. Also, you wrote "I don't think I can pretend that we can be the same and move beyond this." That sounds like your gut instinct talking there. Good luck with it, and I am certain you will find a good, stable person in the future.

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K.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

I think it's time for you to move on, as hard as that may be to do. I don't think you should feel betrayed, as this baby was conceived several months before you started dating him. I can understand being confused and hurt though.

Here's the thing - this man has now fathered three children with three different women. That's a lot of baggage, a lot of exes, and a lot of schedules to juggle if he has partial custody of any of these kids. He's created a bad pattern and who's to say you won't be the next. It'll hurt even more if your son gets close to him and then he's out of his life, too.

You know in your head that the right thing to do is end the relationship. So now, just convince your heart to do the same.

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A.D.

answers from Minneapolis on

If this man is truly a man of decent character, he will need to make the time to support and be a part of the lives of all of his children. And even if he IS that type of a person, he will have to divide his time and resources WAY too much to be the partner you deserve and father figure your son deserves. I would end it, there are too many other children and households that he should be managing his own life around. It's going to be a crazy logistical mess, and sure to be stressful. And if he's going to take any easier or lazier routes and short-change any of his children or your son, is that the kind of man you want to be with? I would not, sorry

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T.D.

answers from Springfield on

history tells me that he can't keep a relationship past having a kid so why would you put yourself and son in a situation where you possibly end up pregnant with his kid and he leaves you too. i say its only been 4 months. you don't want the baggage and drama so get out.

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M.S.

answers from Washington DC on

Get out before your are number four with his fourth child that he leaves!!!!!

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T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

How are you "betrayed" when this clearly happened before he even met you?
As far as a future, not two but THREE baby mamas? No thanks is what I would say.
And how is any adult woman with a seven year old serious and in love after only four months, or are you really a teenager playing grownup?
I don't buy any of this...

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J.K.

answers from Wausau on

Even before the baby news, I think you were moving too quickly. From just meeting someone 4 months ago to being 'in a serious relationship' is really fast when you're adults with histories, especially with kids involved. First three, now an impending four.

I think this new development is pulling off the new relationship blinders. Take a step back and look at this man without the soft light. The truth is, you barely know him. You have known him for such a short time that so far, you have only been shown the best version of him that he wants you to see. The love you feel is based on an incomplete picture.

Consider this situation with your head, not your heart, as you make decisions going forward.

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S.B.

answers from Houston on

Kate - you and your son need to run not walk away from this train wreck. His life is one big hot mess. I don't know anything about him. However, he has soon to be three kids with three different ladies. That doesn't scream stability to me.

He needs to get his house in order before he can be a part of yours. Honestly, I don't think I could deal with all the drama. Nope not healthy.

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T.P.

answers from Indianapolis on

You weren't betrayed this happened before you. There are blended families but this goes above and beyond blended. You are doing the right thing by taking time away from the relationship to focus on what you want and what is good for your son. Remember if you continue a relationship with this man your son is seeing this. You don't want your son to think that 2 ex-wives and a baby mama is ok. I see a lot of baby mama drama in your future. If you stay be ready for what being involved with a man who has kids by many mamas brings. Good luck.

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S.W.

answers from Detroit on

Hi Kate,

I'm not sure how to advise you on what whether to leave or not but what I am sure of is that he needs another "how to prevent pregnancy" talk with someone who can get through to him. Three children with three different women is beyond irresponsible. Walk him through the contraception aisle at the drug store whether you stay with him or not. Good luck. Your mom guide will help you make the best decision for you and your son. :-) S.

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R..

answers from San Antonio on

This wouldn't be a blended family it would be a Vitamix family. It would tear everyone to shreds to try and keep up with visitation and child support. (In Texas would be 20% of his income per child...maybe adjusted slightly due to there being three of them.)

You would only get him to yourself one weekend a month as the other three would have kids rotating through or every other weekend you would have three more kids at your place.

Honey...run, run as fast as you can...there isn't enough of him to go round. And don't get pregnant with him before you get rid of him....RUN!!!

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S.G.

answers from Los Angeles on

I don't see how you could be "Deeply in love" after 4 months of dating. Is this the "new" thing?

You and your son need to move on. I hope to God you haven't introduced your son to this guy.

DO NOT STOP. RUN!! To a therapist. You're not 'in love' with him. I honestly can't see how you can with just 4 months under your belt. You need to find YOU. Get a therapist to talk things through. Focus on your son and you. NO MORE RELATIONSHIPS. Don't sleep with another man until you've been together for AT LEAST 1 year and know you are committed to each other.

I'd also go to the doctor and get a check up and ask for STD exam.

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N.F.

answers from Knoxville on

Dump him.. it may be hard but will thank yourself later. You have more respect for yourself than that don't you?? God will bless you with a man that will adore and cherish you and not cheat on you. And you know you don't want your son to ever think that's acceptable in relationship...

Updated

Dump him.. it may be hard but will thank yourself later. You have more respect for yourself than that don't you?? God will bless you with a man that will adore and cherish you and not cheat on you. And you know you don't want your son to ever think that's acceptable in relationship...

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K.E.

answers from Seattle on

Something tells me you'll end up pregnant, and your boyfriend will move on to another relationship. I'd get out of it, and fast. That's a lot of baggage.

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N.K.

answers from Miami on

Wow, you must have had a painless divorce, because I think most people after such a traumatic experience, would avoid drama-filled relationships at all costs. I have been going through a messy one myself and no way in hell would I get involved with someone who has as much baggage as your boyfriend, someone who moves so fast as to act like you two are walking down the aisle soon, despite being together only 4 months, and who jumps from relationship to relationship. Think about it. This woman was with him in August, and you and him have been together for 4 months, so how long was he single for? Less than 4 months. That right there should have been a red flag, assuming the other 2 kids and 2 marriages were not. You obviously are aware that this guy has character flaws, or you would not have said "(yes, I know...)" when discussing his past. You know the answer as to what you should do.

For me, peace of mind is paramount, as is stability. There is no way I could have peace of mind with a man who barely has time for me and my son, because he has to take care of his 3 other families, and who knows if you'll be number 4 soon? I don't see how this man can maintain a healthy relationship, yet still be present for all, and hold a decent job so he can meet his responsibilities. What would happen if he lost his job? Would you be willing to pay his child support for him? This guy sounds incredibly irresponsible and immature, not to mention, impulsive. He is trouble and you know it, but you keep making excuses for him. You guys need a responsible man to step up and be a man, not this man-child, who sounds like a player, sleeping with everyone in sight, without using protection and then....oops! And no, I don't believe for one moment that he just found out she was pregnant. He was probably waiting until you fell for him and knew you'd have a hard time kicking him to the curb. Who knows if he was two-timing, considering his lack of responsibility in making children, I wouldn't put it past him. No woman is going to keep quiet about needing financial and emotional support until she's at her last month of pregnancy.

Why do you think you and your son deserve so little? I would not have introduced this man to my son in the first place after dating for just 4 months, but you already did so. Yes, you know the answer, and it is, to let him go and be a father to his 3 kids, without having to juggle you and your son into that mess as well. Elayne J. said it very eloquently, as did B. in her post. He needs to step up to the plate and grow up. A vasectomy sure wouldn't hurt. Be more selective about who you date in the future. You may also want to think about using protection, at least until you find someone you'd want to settle down with and have more kids, assuming that is something you're seeking. The last thing you want is to be one more baby mama in a bunch, and fight the rest of them for child support for your child, when the money can only be stretched so much. Good luck. Get out now before more time passes and you and your son get more attached to this guy. Nothing good can come out of sticking around and waiting to see how he juggles you and everyone else.

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X.Y.

answers from Chicago on

He's lying, he knew she was pregnant. He didn't have the guts to tell you. RUN

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J.C.

answers from New York on

Run, don't walk. Stop reading this and RUN. Listen to your head. It's leading you in the right direction. Allow yourself to feel badly for a while and then get out there again. But please, don't introduce your son to men until you've been dating and serious for a LONG time.

Do you know that 70% of all 2nd marriages with minor children end in divorce? That's a sad stat for someone who doesn't want to deal with drama and consequences.

Good luck!

Updated

Run, don't walk. Stop reading this and RUN. Listen to your head. It's leading you in the right direction. Allow yourself to feel badly for a while and then get out there again. But please, don't introduce your son to men until you've been dating and serious for a LONG time.

Do you know that 70% of all 2nd marriages with minor children end in divorce? That's a sad stat for someone who doesn't want to deal with drama and consequences.

Good luck!

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C.N.

answers from Baton Rouge on

Assuming that he has told you the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, you're mad at him over a pregnancy that happened before you met, and that he only recently learned existed. How exactly is that any sort of betrayal of you?
This baby is no different from his other kids - it is a child from a previous relationship.

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