Boyfriend and His Ex Wife

Updated on March 27, 2012
O.S. asks from Elk Grove, CA
15 answers

I've been with my bf for about a year and we are in a serious committed relationship together. I have never been married. He is divorced 2 yrs and he still has his name on the mortgage and other bills. He said the house is going to be a short sale that's why he's on the mortgage. I don't know....I'm uncomfortable with it and want to know if I'm being fair? It's weighing on my mind and I plan to talk to him about it soon.

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answers from Hartford on

You have nothing to be uncomfortable about and you ARE being unfair. This is just how things happen in divorce and settling property issues. They take time. It's not like on TV when characters decide to get a divorce and voila! done unless they need a plot twist or story arc.

If you're uncomfortable with this sort of thing, you shouldn't have chosen a man in the midst of a divorce and I sincerely hope that he doesn't have children or you'll be dealing with a lifetime of these feelings.

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answers from Redding on

A home being sold is a serious thing.
My divorce took so long that I asked for a bifurcation. That meant that I wanted my marital status severed separate from any property agreements.
I don't want to scare you, but it took 5 years to get my divorce finalized.

My point is that it's very, very possible for him to be divorced and still have property to settle.

Divorce is not for the faint of heart and being with someone going through it is even worse.

I just want to say that it's highly possible for things to take this long to dispense with. It doesn't have to mean that he's still "in" the marriage.
You came into the picture a year into all of this. As a woman who went through a divorce, I think that would have been too soon for me to engage in a relationship with anyone.
As a now long divorced woman, I would never engage in a relationship with a man so fresh out of a marriage.

No judgement, just my opinion.

There is a lot to divorce that you might not be comfortable with. If you have chosen this man, and you love him, you will have to let him do what he has to do to wrap things up.

Best wishes.

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answers from Portland on

I suggest his name is still on the mortgage so that he can protect his investment. Do you trust him enough to accept that he's doing this for his and eventually your good?

If you don't trust him, hold off on the marriage and see how this plays out.

I'm guessing you want him to break all contact with his ex. Are there children involved? If so he'll always be involved with her.

Also, what does the divorce decree say about the house and bills? He may not have a choice.

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answers from Las Vegas on

There is not much he can do until the house sales or the X buys him out. Both in which can be a very slow process. His name will not be removed from the property until it is deeded off. A short sale is when the bank decides to let the house go for the bid that is out there, less than the original loan and any other loans against it. So if bids are coming in and that is not what the bank NEEDS, then they will sit on the house and wait. During that time, the house will stay in their name. Once other liens and foreclosures come into play, they will start considering accepting a bid. Sometimes other liens come into action and they still don't accept the bid.

I have even seen no banks claim the property in error. So in other words, I have told a bank a loan was theirs and it is about to be foreclosed on and they will respond by saying it is not their property and payment will not be made. It was probably Thursday that I had to pull the payment stub from 6 months ago and show a bank they made the payment and they finally responded by saying it was an internal error and they will have payment out as soon as possible. Those mistakes do happen.

If you love and trust him be patient with him. He didn't make this mess overnight, it will take some time to un-do. If you talk to him about something he can't change, you may push him away. What other option would he have?

When I met my husband he was seeing an attorney to file bankruptcy and already had two car repos. All of which was created with his X wife. Once the two of us knew what we were doing, we got rid of the attorney and started calling the banks to resolve the financial problems. Fifteen years later and all is well.

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answers from Boston on

Well you should certainly be able to talk to him about anything that concerns you, but I doubt he'll be able to tell you anything different. What are you uncomfortable with? If his old house is worth less than what they owe and his ex doesn't have the money to buy him out, then he legally can't remove his name from the property until it is sold, which may be many more years if they're looking to avoid the short sale and sell it for what they owe.

If they are looking to short sale the property, it takes a loooonnnnnggggg time. We started a short refi on our house in January 2009. Yes you read that right - 3 years and two months ago and it's still being dragged out. My sister found a buyer for her house in December who is willing to pay cash and the bank still hasn't moved ahead in the transaction at all. The "short" amount on her sale is tiny - like $10K off the amount owed - and it's still taking forever for her. Banks just don't want to deal with these transactions.

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answers from New York on

The terms of the divorce decree dictate who's name is on what and how property ownership is to be dissolved. A short sale is basically trying to sell a house for less than the mortgage amount. Short sales take a long time because of the nature of this matter. The banks are involved and must approve the buyer. The buyer needs to qualify for a mortgage which could be a long process too. Other assorted factors come into play.

I think you may need to address your own insecurities. While you say you are in a committed relationship, trust is critical for successful relationship. Also there was only 1 year between his divorce and you 2 dating if I'm reading your post right. If he hasn't had counseling that is a very short time for dealing with all of the emotional issues one gets from divorce or failed relationship.

I wish you both the best though and encourage you to work on being secure in yourself and in your relationship with him which also means doing some serious looking deeply at yourself. Get down to the why you think you uncomfortable. Is it from outside of you or inside of you.

I hope this is helpful.

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answers from Philadelphia on

i dont get why his name being on the deed effects you? I havent been with my ex in a few years, my name is still on the house and probably some bills. We don't lie together, and are both with other people. In this economy its not so simple to get rid of a home, obviously he's in a similar sittuation if its a short sale. If you're upset because of his commitment level to you or her thats one thing but to be upset because his names on a deed seems a little silly.,...atleast IMO, judge him by actions towards you and his ex ansd children not by whose name is on what

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answers from Washington DC on

If you are looking at your own future, get it out on the table. Not just from him, but maybe hire a financial planner to give you an assessment of your fianances on both sides. When DH and I got married, he was long since untangled from her, but he still had divorce debts that he clearly laid out. If you are uncomfortable, there's a reason. Find out what that reason is. Even if it doesn't change the facts, knowing more about the whys can make a big difference.

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answers from San Francisco on

How long was your boyfriend married and how many children are envolved?

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answers from Richmond on

i dont claim to be an expert on these things, but, it sounds like your boyfriend is still involved with his ex wife, what else would explain why JUST his name is still on the mortgage and other things stand, when the house sells, you will legally be entitled to NOTHING, if his ex wife is still on the mortgage with your boyfriend, she will get half..while you get nothing.on the other hand, if he dies, without putting your name (legally) on anything, then you are NOT on the hook with the IRS for DEATH TAXES.make sure thiat everything you own is in your name
( and/or you have a legally designanted survivor, that not your boyfriend)
that way, if you die, your boyfriends ex wife, and possible "friend with benefits", doesnt end up with YOUR things.
just my two cents worth
K. h.

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answers from Austin on

I agree with Karin and AV. I, too, would feel uncomfortable.



answers from San Francisco on

my only advice is: RUN. i've said this before on this forum, and i will say it again. divorced men r divorced for a very good reason. run before u find out. it's not too late for u. save yrself. i've been in yr exact situation. despite every fiber of my being feeling so wrong about it, i let it go on until it was too late. i wish i'd had a friend back then who told me to run.



answers from San Francisco on

Divorce can be a long process, and when a couple owns real estate together, it can take even longer to fully resolve. In this housing market especially, the process can be even LONGER. I've heard of short sales taking forEVER. So while you may in fact be uncomfortable, and your feelings are your feelings, I do think that your expectations that he can get his name off the mortgage and other bills (I assume they are house related bills) might be a little unrealistic. Is your bf giving you any other reasons to be suspicious, or is this the only one? If this is the only thing bothering you, then I would encourage you to think about why it weighs on your mind so much. If all else is good, then why let this get to you? Take care.

Edited to add: The suggestion that O. should be upset that she will not gain anything financially from this home sale is a little outlandish, IMO. If they are doing a short sale, presumably there is little to no gain to be had for the homeowners much less their current partners. Why throw that suggestion in the mix?



answers from San Francisco on

When you date a guy who has been married and/or has kids, they come with baggage.

I have heard of people dealing with divorce issues for a lot longer than 2 years. It very well may be that they are trying to wait it out and see if the market rebounds before trying to sell. Or there could be other issues.



answers from San Francisco on

Wow! Karen h. Is right she is not an expert. She is way out of line and putting more insecurities in you. Not that everyone else on here is an expert in this, but most of the advice given makes more sense, especially Shane B. It is a long process to go through, this is not a break up with boyfriend/girlfriend, this is a marriage. I know two people who still kept the last name of their ex husband, mostly for the children. Years later after the children have grown up they still carry the last name.

Next question: Having Problem with Fiance Still on Exwife's Mortgage.