Bossy Five Year Old...

Five-year-olds can be quite bossy. They're just at the point of realizing that they can control some factors in their little worlds and they are anxious to see how many.
You need to explain to your child that other children are allowed to play with whomever they please and that it is wrong for her to threaten to end her friendship with Suzy if she plays with Sally.

Suzy's mother needs to handle the other side of the coin, and tell her that she does not need your daughter's permission to play with whomever she pleases, and that if your daughter decides to stop being friends because of it, then she wasn't much of a friend in the first place.

I'll be honest: I don't think she's all that savvy interpersonally. Bossy and controlling is not "savvy," it's manipulative. And manipulative children usually learn to manipulate at home. Sorry, hon....that sounds mean, but truly I mean it so that you can observe whether that is a truth in your home and make adjustments.

I would talk with your daughter about how she's treating others, and I'd talk with the teacher about encouraging your daughter to reach out and have other friends (and not to allow her to threaten others). While it might be somewhat normal behavior for a bossy little girl at this age, she does need guidance to learn how to behave. Properly molded, this behavior could easily evolve to her being an excellent leader; poorly molded, it could evolved to her being a manipulative mean-girl.

If your daughter continues to boss her friend around and refuse to allow her to play with others, that little girl isn't going to stay her friend. Nobody likes to be bossed around, controlled or threatened. And no matter how much you think that's a part of her spunky personality, it's a very undesirable trait that you should not be encouraging or allowing to continue.

Best of luck to you.

Yes this is normal behavior in little girls of this age. It's just immaturity, she's still learning. Keep working with her, talking to her and reminding her what it means to be a good friend, how to share her friends just like she shares her toys, etc.
Many girls are simply hard wired to "partner up" unlike most boys, who easily move in and out of groups and partnerships. I have many years of experience working with kids this age, so I've observed it time and time again!
ETA: I would give the teacher a heads up, just so she can keep an eye on things. The first grade teachers I worked for did this kind of thing all the time. They are there to teach and support social skills as well as academic skills :-)

Good advice so far.

Kudos to you for taking this on instead of turning a blind eye to it.

It's not always easy seeing this in your own child or to hear about it from others.

Good job :-)

That's not bossy (bossy can be ok if it's truly just a "managing" personality - i.e. if a boy wouldn't be called bossy, then it's not bossy).

She's being controlling and hurtful, and she needs to stop. Why would you let it go? Just because the behavior might be "age appropriate" doesn't make it OK behavior. Kids will be kids is used to excuse a lot of stuff that really shouldn't be excused - like bullying.

Nip it in the bud. Ask her how she would feel if someone acted this way to HER. Keep pushing on that button till she gets it. If she wouldn't like to have someone do to HER what she's doing to someone else, you need to drive that lesson home over and over. Build her empathy.

I think the other mother was incredibly brave to address this issue with you. We had to deal with the exact same issue with my daughter and the mother of the "bossy" girl had complete blinders on and refused to see that her daughter had any control issues whatsoever. It eventually ruined the friendship between our families because her daughter was never at fault and my daughter refused to put up with the manipulation anymore. I am glad you will be speaking with the teacher, and hopefully with your guidance your daughter will learn to change her behavior. You will be doing her a huge favor.

She's 'quite savvy interpersonally'?
Um - no - don't try to spin this as a positive thing because it's not.

She's just being 5 - and 5 yr olds are immature and insecure - they have a lot to learn about friendships - and it takes years to learn to navigate them successfully.

You can share your toys because they are your possessions and you can make choices about them.
You can't share your friends because you don't own them - they have free will, make their own choices and your daughter needs to come to grips with that.
Friends are your friends because they want to be with you - not because you force them to be with you.

Tell your daughter she needs to mix it up and play with lots of other people - different people every day.
The harder she tries to put a choke hold on her friends - the more they are going to want to get away from her.

Also - give the neighbor girl a break.
If your daughter usually just goes over to play - have your daughter be busy with something else for awhile - she can go on a play date or have another friend over.
I wouldn't go so far as to say they should NEVER play together again, but even best friends are not friends all the time - people need their space and to take breaks from each other.

Is it normal? Yes, it happens all the time. Is it a good behavior? No.

I would stress to your daughter that it is fun to have lots of friends and that everyone (including the next door neighbor) likes to have lots of friends. Perhaps explain that different people have different interests and so if you have lots of friends you can play lots of different things. I would also stress to her that she is not in charge of this little girl and that the other young lady is free to play with whomever she chooses to.

"It is unkind to say that you won't be her friend anymore if she plays with someone else, how would you feel if you were being told who you could and could not play with. My guess is you wouldn't like it at all."

I would try to check up with the neighbor in a week or so and see how things are going.

M

hee! i think it's kind of nitpicky to redefine 'bossy' as 'manipulative.' i think 'bossy' works just fine, and that you're pretty awesome not to shy away from it.
mostly, anyway. i'm giggling- just a little!- at 'quite savvy interpersonally' yet the problem is that your little girl is being- well, bossy.
:)
i also admire the other mom for being up front about it with you.
yes, i would handle this, and yes, it's normal. being normal doesn't mean it doesn't warrant some parenting. but i certainly wouldn't overreact and make a mountain out of a molehill. i love that your daughter is as honest as her mom and realizes what she's doing. so some ongoing discussions and even role-playing might be just the thing. i wouldn't harp about it, though, although i would probably give the teacher a heads-up if the other mom doesn't. and hopefully the other mom is working on shoring up her daughter's coping skills.
this too shall pass. handle it, but lightly. she sounds like a cool kid.
khairete
S.

Totally normal, and I would mention to the teacher so she can encourage both girls to join group games.

I would also have an ongoing discussion with your daughter where you mention that this friend will no longer want to play with her if she tries to keep her from playing with others, because no one likes to be told what to do or how to play.

Yes, I think it's normal for this age. Unfortunately, my daughter dealt with it in 5th grade, from another friend who literally unfriended her for 6 months because my daughter played with another girl. Fun times!

So you need to work with your daughter on how to handle this situation and the other mom needs to work with her daughter as well. I have always told my children that they are to be friends with who they want when they want and no one can tell them who to be friends with. They don't get to decide who their friends hang out with outside of them.

Now that my oldest is 11 and in middle school, I'm seeing the girl who has been her best friend since they were 2 go in different directions. She is pressed to hang out with older girls and is trying to act so much older. Funny how my daughter knows that is wrong and we have been pretty lenient and trusting with her, but her friends parents have been very helicopter and limiting of what she sees and hears. Not saying our way is right and theirs is wrong, but allowing our daughter to run in to situations and learn how to handle them has proven to be very beneficial for her AND us.

As far as teacher involvement, I would ask her to keep an eye and let you know what's going on. Then you can work with your child at home. You can also ask her to let the other child's mom know so she can handle her side of it at home.