Bio Mom vs Step Mom (And Dads Too)

well, i think it is VERY hard to except that another woman is taking the "motherly" role with your child. yah, i know.. we chose to divorce and that's what happens..yada yada yada, but it still doesn't make it any easier. So, this is what my daughters step mom does that absolutely drives me insane. If my daughter is at their house and I am talking to her on the phone, her smom ALWAYS interupts or tells my daughter something "fun and exciting" and it makes my daughter rush me off the phone so she can get to whatever her step mom just told her (I mean, really.. can't she wait 2 min? it's not like my daughter and I talk for a long time on the phone anyway). Also, for some reason... my ex is SO much nicer to me when his new wife isn't around. Him and I are not "friends" by any means. But he is actually FRIENDLY to me when she's not either right there in person or if she is not home when I have to talk to him on the phone about something. It is like night and day. I feel like my daughters step mom does not respect me as my daughters BIO mom. None. She came in and just pushed her way to the step mom role - she is the one totally in control of her house over there. It drives me insane that she is the primary caregiver of my daughter when she's at her dads house. My ex is perfectly capable but it's like all her rules over there regarding my daughter etc. That last one is hard to explain - I guess it just drives me crazy that my ex doesn't take a more ACTIVE role spending time w/our daughter when she's at his house.

Haha I'll have to start another thread on smom vs. bmom. I am technically both, but my son never sees his birth father or step-mother so it's not an issue for me. As a smom, my step-daughter just moved in with us a month ago and it's been interesting to take over and get up to speed on all that her bmom didn't do, like seeing the doctor, dentist, and eye doctor, teaching her "menstrual etiquette" (she's 13 - fun times!), taking her shopping for underwear and outerwear. I often wonder how bmom feels about having another woman take over her daughter's life, but we (my husband and I) let her run things for too long and she just wasn't cutting it anymore almost to the point of neglect, so we took over and she hasn't argued (yet). As a smom, I've tried to stay out of just about everything, stepping in only when asked/invited to do so by my husband (things like can I plan a birthday party, slumber party, etc,). It's awfully tough to hold my tongue sometimes, but the relationship with bmom is his to manage, not mine.

It'll be interesting to read the responses to this thread - great question!

I think that both bio and step parents are the child's parents and if it isn't viewed that way they have no business being w/ the bio parent! I am not a step parent but I have step parents and so does my son.

Me and my husband always had to take my son because his dad couldn't be bothered and later he and his new wife lived to far for that to be a reasonable option. They did take him once for an eye exam and brought him home with glasses that he couldn't see out of/use so I had to hall him back (2 hour trip) to exchange for reasonable ones. It think it is great if they can work together to help out with routine visits. If it was anything serious I would want to be there too but had no problem if they attended (never did).

They always knew about sporting events but rarely came.

I like my son's stepmom. She loved him like a son but didn't try to replace me. He was a bit older and she a bit young so she was more of a responsible friend. My husband on the other hand has been in his life since he was 3 (now 19) and is much for fatherly.

i'm a bio mom and step. i guess the biggest thing is i have learned to pick our battles. my ex is remarried so my kids have a step mom. she basically isn't mean to them but isn't really nice either, she just sort of goes thru the motions every other weekend. i can't decide if that's good or bad! my hubby's ex is a mental mess from hell and causes nothing but stress and drama. their daughter is moderately retarded so its even worse some of the things she puts her thru. especially since i came into the pic but like i said, we have learned to accept that the other parent has their home, and we have ours and the kids, unfortunately, have to adjust to both. we think its good for the kids to see how both households live. for example, my ex barely works and they barely survive financially. my hubby makes six figures and we live comfortably. we hope the kids will see that with hard work, they can make a good life for themselves. my hubby's ex moves from man to man, and although their daughter mentally doesn't "get" it, we know she is very happy when she comes home to us. the kids will know when they get older, who loves them, is there for them, and will be there no matter what. its hard and its always a work in progress but we feel unless they are physically putting the kids at risk, it is not worth getting the drama stirred up and to fight just to fight. good luck to you!!!

I am a stepmom....I hate that term. I am a mom of my 2sons and my husbands 2daughters....by two different women. Full custody of the 14year old an 50% of the youngest. The oldest bio mom is out of picture completely... Youngest daughters bio mom thinks ice cream and outings is raising a child. It boils down to the morals we have. My husband has stepped up because he is capable of more. Bio mom #2 says...he treats you better than me....well I am sorry you have low self esteem and made a child with someone you ...settled for! I think that irritates bio moms the most...they are jealous or envious they were not able to bring forth change. I have an "I get what I want attitude" for a reason and so I refuse to settle for less. That goes for my (yuck word again....step parenting ) parenting skills. Too many bio moms are set in there ways and hate to accept the fact the step moms way of doing it might get us closer to the goal even faster. I don't settle for 2nd best with my children, and it would be unfair to not hold my step girls to the same goals. We have 3 children full time, 1 half time...the half time girl has the most issues bec bio mom doesn't stepup. Sad thing, little girl, is paying the price. First day back every week we are redefining our rules bec mom let's her run wild. She spoils her, babies her, and treats her like a princess so when she comes back here she thinks she is exempt from the rules. Well sorry to be so tough but we live in reality and are raising you to face life as a responsible adult, bio mom is too busy teaching you to play victim all your life. It sad, bio mom has lied, exaggerated, and hates me because I see through her game. She is taking us to court now to eliminate her ..bio moms contact with me step mom. I don't control the house but my husband has told me to handle it because it's my strength. His family was so , separate, when we met, now we have a family. Blended family is the term, but everyone involved is closer, confident, and more responsible than ever before. You would think bio mom would stop fighting and step up her side to be more beneficial for the little girl, but she is to busy playing victim acting as though she is the one being hurt. She calls to talk aboutlittlegirl and always...I mean always...side tracks to her relationship with my husband...oh yeah that was SIX years ago. Get over it, woman up, and accept change. Morals and honesty will always win. Don't hAte the fact he didn't man up for you, love the fact the little girl is better off now thAn ever before. Excuse the typos...autocorrect...Grrr

I'm not a Step and haven't had to deal with one, BUT my mom has married several times. I was lucky that my step-parents were ok (short-lived, but ok). The thing that pisses me off is when the bios and steps get so wrapped up in their drama that they forget the kids; they don't co-parent. I wish there was some sort of family blending classes parents had to take when re-marrying. SIGH.

Good luck with your family. Your hubby needs to man-up re. house rules, and bio-mom needs to get over herself. I think maybe we need to stop using the "step" and "bio" label and just use the word co-parents until everyone gets it.

I know this is older but have to respond. Hubby and I have been together 19 years this month. During a rough patch his fling got pregnant. He had joint custody and we were able to see her until the age of 5.

BIO was a mess. In one breath it was "I don't want SM having anything to do with this" then in the next "Why can't SM get her?" Then BIO took off with her and didn't tell anyone where.

We finally found her February 2012 and by March CPS removed all the children from the home. We fought together as a couple to bring her home. She was home by Aug.

We learned that SD heard horrible things about dad. 1. He left her because he didn't love her or want to pay for her and 2. He died.

We didn't know what SD would choose to do when she saw me. We made sure to always say my name when talking with her and to her. So during one of our visits during the fight she called me mom and it has stayed. She wasn't forced and we never asked her, or told her, to.

At this time BIO has the nerve to get mad at SD for calling me mom and when SD talks with her she does nothing but call me whatever names she has made up for me.

The way we feel about BIO is she is the lady who had our daughter. I will never stop treating her like I treat our son, with love and admiration. I will say that this young lady clung to a mother figure and if her mom feels threatened then maybe she needs to realize that she has done an absolutely horrible job at being a mom. Sadly she doesn't realize that even after all the stuff she has done to her daughter and put her daughter through, that her daughter still loves her with all her heart. That won't ever change. But her daughter/my daughter is learning how to be a young lady who loves herself, and future mom and wife full of love and life and happiness because of the love and connection she and I share.

Criticize me all you want for saying she is my daughter, but if I even state in public or in our home about me being the stepmom, she gets defensive and says "No, this is my mom!"

Be happy if you find people who love your children as much as you do, or even more if you are a crappy parent. They need this love to mature appropriately and have a successful future in life.

Be careful of what your children hear. They may choose, or feel the need, to call someone else mom/dad. Are you the reason they need that? Are you pushing them closer to someone at your lack of maturity over the situation?