BF Adopting My Daughter

A good family attorney is the only place to start, it is unlikely Legal Aid will represent you on this matter.

I can't speak about VA law, but I'm in NH, and here in order to do any of the things you're suggesting you not only need an attorney for yourself and your boyfriend, but a separate attorney or whats called a guardian at litem for your children. The guardians job is to determine what's best for the children. All adult parties will be interviewed as will the kids. I had to do this when terminating my ex's rights. And none of this was an option. The courts wouldn't even talk to me until I had all of this in place. Also, a termination of rights cannot be undone once it's granted. Responsibilities are terminated as well. That means NO child support, NO visitation, NO medical insurance. Ever. Essentially the birth father is completely and totally out of the picture. It also means that if for some reason it does not work out with your current boyfriend, HE will be financially responsible for the children that he adopts and not he birth father. That includes medical care, and child support. It also means that he has the right to try and get custody of the children in a separation, and if the court decides that he is the more fit parent they will grant it to him. Not to you, and if rights have been terminated the birth father's won't even be considered in the process. And if he does get the kids, YOU will be financially responsible for medical and child support. As their Mother please think very carefully about if this is the right decision for you kids. If things go bad, you could lose them both.

DO NOT transfer unless you are married. For God sakes, a third man in the picture. At least make sure this one is worthy this time, by making sure he is commited enough to marry you. Otherwise you are putting your kids through more hell for nothing.

My advice: you need to speak to a lawyer. You won't get good legal advice online, even though people might be able to relate from their own history. However in family court everything is on a case by case basis, so get a good family law lawyer.

I would also strongly suggest before you go about doing this, get yourself, your partner and your children into a few sessions of family counseling. Make sure everyone is on board, understands the legal and emotional implications and you will have less problems down the road.

Good luck!

I've only looked at this post and based on what you have written here, it seems to me like you are putting the cart before the horse. The first thing would be to seek a deeper commitment from this man toward you before you allow him to adopt your girls.

This man should not be a boyfriend asking rights to children that are not his own. This man should be your husband for at least 1-2 years before seeking to be the adoptive parent to your girls. Andra C. gave some wise advice.

As for being able to change your oldest daughter's name, you won't be able to do that without her father's consent not even hyphenate it.

Your boyfriend cannot adopt your daughters (At least in Texas) until you are married. I know, I've done it. When you do get married, you can do a step-parent adoption but you'll need to hire a lawyer to handle the termination of rights and for your first daughter, unless her father isn't in the picture and hasn't been for X amount of time, the court will not terminate his rights.
I would seek out a family lawyer and ask him/her what your options are. Just be prepared to pay. A lot!

I'm not judging BUT I agree with the majority. Unless you two make the committment of marriage, I don't see the need for him to legally adopt them. I'm sorry I don't have much info regarding the laws for your state but I strongly feel if this man is serious in wanting to take on the responsibility of your children, he will marry you first.

Good luck to you and your family.

As long as your oldest daughter's father is in her life (positively), i don't think it is fair to ask him to give up his rights. If someone asked me to give up my child's rights, i would want to crawl in a hole :(

Please wait until you are married to this man to take these serious steps. There really should be a commitment to marriage first. I am not judging...only giving my opinion...

First of all you are going to need an attorney for this. Secondly, it may vary from state to state, but I would venture a guess that you two will need to be married in almost every state for him to adopt.

As far as the oldest daughter's father. Good for him! I hope since he won't terminate his rights that he's active in her life. You definitely need the attorney when you're getting into shared guardianship. You will not legally be able to change her name to a hyphenated name, but you could probably use it most of the time unless you're putting it on a legal document. IF her father consents to it being hyphenated, you could probably do that.

Since I am an adoptive mom myself, I would never judge you in any way. The purest form of love is to give something up rather than to keep it. (John 3:16)
I think you will need a lawyer. I live in Texas so I can't speak for VA. I only know that the papers must be done with all the t's crossed and i's dotted. We got custody of our two grandchildren when they were 3 and 5. Our daughter (also adopted) was still in their lives, but unable to be fully responsible. Our granddaughter was given our last name at birth. Her brother was born while our daughter was still married to her husband, but our grandson wanted our name. We called him by our name even though he had a different legal name. At age 9, he wanted it legally changed so that his school teachers wouldn't get confused---school records always use the legal name. So we spent about $1100 in legal fees having it changed. He's now 22, so that's been a while. I don't know your BF's financial condition, but perhaps she would be able to pay for these expenses. Also, there are legal aid organizations who try to help low income individuals. Here in TX if a father fails to support, his rights can be terminated after a period of time. Again, you'll have to check VA. I commend you for wanting to do what's best for your children. My daughter would tell people that she didn't make a good single parent. She eventually remarried to a wonderful guy and they have two children. She's close to all four of her kiddos. May God bless you.

I would get a good lawyer. I know in a lot of states, partners have to be married to adopt in the way you are speaking, but I don't know about your state, specifically. A good lawyer should be able to tell you the laws in your state. However, I can tell you that you cannot hyphenate your eldest daughter's name without her father's permission - that would be changing her name. You might see if he would agree to a hyphen, but he doesn't have to, of course.

Okay... call a lawyer. No judgements here, but this is a legal process. It's tough b/c of the emotions involved, but my understanding is that the process is exactly the same as if he were adopting a non-related child. He will have to go through social work interviews, background checks, etc.

My neice has gone through this process, but in NY. Her ex gave up his legal custody (but is still very active in the child's life). Having said that, her new husband had to go through the same legal adoption process. It was expensive and exhausting.

This is NOT a judgement, but which last name are you referencing? If you are going to take your BF's name after you marry (I am assuming that this is "in the works"), then you could probably add your married name to your daughter's last name. Are you planning on having your younger daughter take your BF's name?

You may want to wait until after you are married to go through this process. Again, not judging, just looking at logistics and costs. It will be expensive to have your daughter adopted and you may want to make sure that you are legally connected before changing your child's name.

I do know in VA you need to have the birth father sign papers terminating his rights. And you will need a lawyer. Not sure on the not being married part. I had friends do this years ago but they were married with other children at that point. And I will say that even though the birth father had never been in this child's life it was very emotional for her that her birth father would just sign away his rights so easily. This stuff is never easy emotionally.

I think that, legally, you will need to wait until you and your boyfriend are married. At that point, you'll need to work closely with family lawyers and all parties involved to determine what's best.

One thing I am confused about - do your daughters have the same father or two different fathers? I ask because, in remembering your previous posts, it sounds like they have the same dad, but then I wonder why he'd be willing to give up custody of one and not the other. This may factor into the court's decision as they determine what is best for the girls.

Before doing anything, make sure the girls have a professional to talk to. If the younger one currently has any relationship at all with her father, you'll want to make sure that SHE understands exactly what will happen if this relationship is terminated (unless it is abusive, though you never mention that so I don't think it is). As others have said, once you terminate, it is terminated forever and no one can change their minds later.

This is a huge decision and not one to enter into lightly. Talk to lawyers and therapists to be sure you're doing the right thing.

The whole legal adoption process might be easier if you got the wedding done first. You can have a whole fancy reception/ceremony down the line, but a marriage by a justice of the peace down at city hall can be quick and easy with very little fuss. (My husbands grandfather and grandmother got married at city hall in New York City during their lunch break during the Great Depression. Jobs were hard to come by and you lived your life around the jobs as best you could manage.)
Then a lawyer specializing in family law could sort out everything that needs to happen for the adoptions.

My mom married 3 men & had kids by all... my sister was w/ her first marriage, my dad (2nd marriage) adopted her after they married. The by the time I was 18 mo old my mom was married to the 3rd man & expecting her 3rd child.

My sister & I visited w/ my dad & we both carried his name till we married. But all in all - our step-dad raised us. I love both of my dads (real & step), they both have their issues & the both have their good sides. I honestly feel that I took something from all 3 of my parents which made me who I am today.

You ask that we not look back at your post & don't give much info as to why you want to do what you are asking about... but if one dad is not willing to give up his rights to the child - doesn't that mean in someway that he loves her & wants her in his life. Why do you want to take that love away from your child? I can understand the one that the dad wants nothing to do with... but someday you are going to have to expain your reasoning to your kids. My sister took it hard when she found out she was unwanted my her dad... she even hunted him down, knocked on his door, had him say "you are dead in my eyes" & slammed the door on her.

I really don't know the laws, but I'm also married to my kids daddy... I'm sure if you contacted a custody lawyer - they could help you.

Good luck!!

Im pretty certain in most states its nearly impossible to adopt without being married.
If the childs parent is in her life why would you ask him to terminate his rights? you BF can still be a dad, too.
I would go to some family councling sessions, together to talk about the changes and see how the kids feel about it. Sometimes a 3rd party has a easier time gettin how our kids relaly feel.
Best of luck to you....and your family!

i hate to say it.. but leave well enough alone. You shouldn't go into adoption until you and bf are secure.. meaning married and happily married... then think about adoption. Adoption once you do it should be for life. You don't want the kids having their fathers name, then his name.. and who knows .. if he leaves ... in a few years you may add another name.. wait it out.. when the time is right.. then do it. you are the mom... he may act like the dad and be wonderful... but you shouldn't let him be the dad in name until you both make your relationship official. VA is h*** o* this.. and may not let you do it. as for the father giving her up... this will effect her later on.. what is his reasons.. if it;s money... then he need to grow up... she will wonder later on why he gave her up.. and her new birth certificate willl say by adoption.. my kids are adopted.. but we were able to do it because we are married.. others can do it if you can prove a lasting relationship built on love for at least 6 or 7 years.. anything less .. they will probably say no.... also they will look back on how you are as a couple.. why aren't you getting married? they will look at a lot of different things.. good luck.. think this thru really good first.. they will also come do house studies .. talk to the fathers involved.. talk to the boyfriend, the kids and you... so be prepared.. it won't be easy to do... especially in your circumstances.. and even if you do marry.. it will be years before you can do this and before your ex can give up his rights...