Beyond Potty Training

DO not punish for this.

He is withholding his poop. Or will do it more frequently.
that is NOT good.
It is then a medical problem... and things like "Encopresis" can occur. From withholding poop.

My daughter went through that. Just from the anxiety of pooping on a toilet. She then did not want to poop, at all. We then had to take her to a Pediatric Gastroenterologist. HE said, ALL day he sees kids like this. HE said, once a child withholds their poop... it is then an EMOTION based problem and a medical problem. Their bowels can become blocked/hardened/create constipation/Encopresis etc. NOT good.
HE said, to just let a child poop. For now, even if in a diaper.
We did not force our daughter about it. But it was just stress and anxiety about it all.

The main thing is, that they poop. Or they get medical problems.

Boys, are and can often be later, in this stage. Yes.
My friends son was like that too at that age.
Then one day on his own, he just started going poop. On a toilet.

Just be happy that your 3 1/2 year old will use the potty to pee! Reward and praise that accomplishment, and give no attention to the pooping situation. Giver him some space and time, and he will do it when he is ready.

My almost 3 1/2 year old daughter has only PEED on the potty about a dozen times so far. Completely frustrating for my husband and me. However, I will not make it a power struggle, because I know doing so will only create greater resistance.

Focus on the positives, praise, praise, praise and please don't don't use punishment for refusal to go poop on the poppy (a three year-old won't understand that the time out you gave him is not listening. All he hears is "You wouldn't sit on the potty.")

Hopefully your son's daycare will allow him a few chances to have accidents before putting him in pull-ups. You might ask if they are having him sit on the potty before nap so that he doesn't have an accident while sleeping.

Anyway, good luck!

Well, it sure sounds to me like you've set up a classic power struggle. Probably most kids experience this reluctance to stop what they're doing for a potty break. Few of them actually have accidents – when they really must go, they go. But it just drives parents a bit bonkers.

With my grandson, now that he's 5 he's quite able to determine for himself when to go, though he does sometimes dance around for awhile first. The only times his grownups insist that he use the toilet is before leaving the house, before bed, and before meals. All quite practical times, and he doesn't argue with those. For the year after he was trained, we were all concerned he'd wait to long and have an accident. Never happened. But I did lure him into the bathroom on a number of occasions by going in there and starting a loud wrestling match with all the dinosaurs that were clogging the room. Grandboy couldn't resist – he'd come in to help me, and tenderly remove the baby dinos sitting on the seat so he could use the toilet.

Withholding poop is one of the classic 'weapons' in a power struggle, and this is likely to continue since you have these huge physical struggles to get your son to go.

What I would do is to sit down with him when the issue is not 'pressing' and tell him that I am confident that he knows when he needs to use the toilet. I'm going to leave it up to him completely for the next 2 weeks and let him prove himself. If he waits and messes up his pants, I will teach him how to wash the spot out himself, take his pants to the laundry room, and get himself a new pair before resuming his play. Then stick to it. He may have a few accidents, but will quickly learn that this ends up being a much bigger deal than going when he feels the urge.

Think about how much energy your family expends on this issue, and how little space in a load of laundry a child's undies take. And try to just back off. I doubt that you'll still have this same worry a month from now. (It'll be something new, and equally exasperating!)

ADDED: Children tend to "feel" about an issue the way adults frame it emotionally. If diapers in preschool is presented as a practical solution so your son doesn't have to have his nap disturbed, that's how he's likely to see it. Problem solved, until he shows he has better bladder control. If you or the teachers frame it as a shameful experience, then he'll probably feel that way.

I want to come in in defense of the day care provider here. His behaviour is wearing you out and frustrating you at home with however many kids you have. Now imagine trying it with a much larger group. Yeah, its helping the daycare provider. But they may need some help. Please respect their right to draw the line at behaviour they just don't have the (wo)man power to deal with.
And why would pull-ups be any more humiliating than peeing in his pants? Don't turn it into a big deal, your son will probably have little problem with it. It is the logical consequence of his current defiance, let him get a sense of the "action and reaction" he's creating here. He'll be fine.

Well, my son just turned 5 and we have been struggling with somewhat the same issue for over a year. He's been in underwear since about 6 weeks before turning 4 (about 15 months). With poop he always goes on his own and only had 1 accident the first week. Pee is another story. He just seems to hold it until someone sends him to the bathroom or he starts to wet (if I wait for him to go on his own there is usually a small wet spot in his underwear). I make him go several times a day at natural breaks in the day (morning, at the end of preschool which is right after lunch, as soon as we get home, before we go out, before meals, bedtime). He still fights me or procrastinates often. There have been some big tantrums too. I also have given time outs for not following directions (sometimes related to not taking a potty break and other times unrelated). It is getting better though.

You could try letting him be over a weekend and see how many accidents he has. You could try setting up a schedule and explaining to him he has to go sit on the potty and try at those times. You could try setting a timer and telling him to go when it rings. (You can get a "potty watch" if you want to do the timer method that way.)

Talk to the daycare teacher and see how they handle potty training. We had a few issues last year (kids 3.5-4.5) and many of the kids in the class were still not fully trained. At our preschool the teachers had scheduled bathroom breaks but weren't always making sure every child used the bathroom. When I asked the teacher to make sure he went once in the morning and once after lunch there were almost no more accidents. Most days I took him myself after lunch since I picked him up then. Can you ask the teacher to make sure he uses the bathroom before naptime? Maybe they would be willing to give it a try. I wouldn't really fight the pull up at daycare. But my son still uses them at night (he has been told he has to wake up dry 3 days in a row and then we can try without them). Can you work something out with the school--no naptime accidents ( dry pull ups) for _____ and they will get rid of the pull ups?

Good luck. I know it can just seem like so long to get to fully potty trained!

Have you tried having a potty chair in the family room instead of having him use the big potty for pooping? I know it's not a long term solution, but at least then he could use it until he feels comfortable leaving to go to the potty. Both my girls potty trained really early (one at 15months and the other at 18 months). No pressure from me they were just ready. But we have a potty in our family room so that they can use it whenever they need to and they don't have to wait for help to go to the big potty. My older daughter, she'll be 3 in April, will now use the both the big potty or the little one, depending on her mood. It just might be easier for him to not have to leave until he gets over this hump. Good luck!

My 4 year old daughter does the same thing and it aggravates the heck out of me, but I agree with the respondant who said it's a classic power struggle. When she was about 3/12 or 4 it was much like you described, and now my 3 year old daughter is starting to do the same darn thing (they both potty trained at 2), so I'm assuming it's just one of those phases that lots of kids go through. How I handled it (after going through all the same steps you have) was to change tactics completely. First, I started a sticker chart with a couple of target behaviors, including "I can listen to my body when it's time to go potty" (catchy, right?). Then she got a sticker every time she used the toilet without an accident. After x number of stickers, small reward. If she did have an accident, I didn't react--I just set up the expectation that she was to put the soiled clothes in the laundry hamper and get clean ones to put on. Eventually all I had to say, calmly, was "you know what to do." If I saw her dancing around like she had to go, I'd just say once, "listen to your body!" (which reminded her of her sticker chart). Sometimes that worked, sometimes it didn't, but eventually the behavior pretty much went away, although she still holds it longer than she should at age 4 1/2. I'm assuming it's just part of normal development and will eventually fade. Hang in there, and stock up on detergent!