Best Condolences for Late-term Pregnancy Loss?

flowers sound good, I almost lost my son in my third trimester so i can somewhat understand she had an attachment with the child most likely a name picked out and a room set up, it would be nice if you got her an angel mabey that looks like a baby and maybey just tell her that that baby will always be with her and will be looking over her family.

I am a nurse in the neonatal ICU I see a lot of parents whose babies die. THe hardest thing for them is that people are afraid to ask about their loss even months later. Ask if their baby was a boy or girl. did they name him? Acknowledge that he existed and was important . Remember them on imortant days ie due date, mother's day, father's, day etc. Do not tell them "you will get pregnant again. You can have another Or It was God's will. Be empathetic, listen to what they are saying about losing a dream, a future, plans for that child. Did this baby deliver normally? Were they able to hold him(her)? Ask those questions. If they did hold him, did they get pictures? Ask to see the pictures. All these questions might make them cry, but it is part of the process. If they cry, don't say you are sorry for making them cry. Acknowledge their grief with a hug. They need to know that people know that a baby , a child, a daughter or son existed! Good luck and i am so sorry for the loss of your friends baby. It is a difficult thing to experience.

By the way, Sometime losing a baby is harder than losing a 3 or 5 year old because when the grieving eases, you have no memories to hold on to. Parents always wonder what that child would have looked like or been like. It is not easier without memories, contrary to what people think. Also, marriages are stressed by this because parents grieve differently. Encourage them to talk to eachother about their feelings and know that everyone grieves differently and that is okay.
D.

E.,

I suffered two miscarriages. One was like 8 weeks and the other was 12 weeks or so. Not as late term as your friend, but still devastating.

I don't know what the right thing to do is, to be honest. I would suggest that you just be there for her and see if she needs anything. Does she have other kids? Offer to babysit so she can spend some time either with her husband or alone grieving the loss.

For me, personally, the flowers/cards seemed like a reminder - which I did NOT want. I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want anyone to mention it at first. As time went on that changed, but it was awhile. (In fact, after the second loss my hubby and I jumped on a plane the day after my D & C and headed to Vegas to spend some time together and AWAY from people and questions).

I think that the meal to her house is a great idea. When you drop it off tell her that you are deeply sorry and that if there is ANYTHING she (or her husband - he's suffering, too) needs that she call you.

What a sad time for her right now. I'm sorry to hear about your friends loss.

T.

I had a late term pregnancy loss 8 years ago, I think you can't go wrong with bringing a meal over. If your friend is anything like me I didn't want to do anything. Let her know you are there if she needs anything. Let her know you are sorry for her loss but don't puss forward unless she brings it up, it took me awhile till I wanted to speak about it. She will need to come to terms with it on her own time but it is wonderful to know that people are there when you need them.

I will keep her in my prayers...

Hi E.. I lost a baby in the second trimester of pregnancy so I have a little bit of experience with this. So many of our friends reached out, and it helped so much. Food is very appropriate (things that can be heated up, like a casserole), a card, a visit--all of those things. If she is religious, you might want to have a mass or service said in remembrance of the baby. Also, if you recall the baby's due date, it might be nice to check in on her that day. It is a difficult day, and the baby will definitely be on her mind. It will help to know that others are remembering the baby. This loss is something that will always be with her, and the first six months are going to be rough. Things will gradually start to get back to normal, but she is in for a long, sad road and she will definitely need her friends. I'm so sorry for your friend's loss.

You could have a star named for the baby.

http://www.starnamer.net/

How about an angel statue of some sort like from Hallmark or something??

Hi E.,

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend's loss. My husband and I had a daughter Faith who was stillborn in March of 2005. It was probably the hardest and saddest thing I've ever gone through in my life.

I know everyone handles these types of losses differently so it's important to keep your eyes and ears open when you're visiting. If your friend seems open to talking about it, be sure to let her know you're there to listen. Encourage her to share her feelings no matter how she's feeling. I was talking to a friend of mine who also lost a baby in the third trimester a month after I did and we had some pretty bizarre thoughts and feelings and were ashamed to share them (we both thought we were crazy). But once we did it was such a burden off our shoulders. And let her know you're ok with just sitting there and being with her if she just wants/needs to cry. Offer extra long hugs, too. Those were always very comforting to me.

But if she seems closed off about it don't be afraid to talk about something unrelated to her situation. I found sometimes it was nice to talk about other things to get my mind off of it for a little while. Just try not to babble on just to fill up empty air space though too. I know it seems like a fine line, but this is a confusing time so it is going to be hard. Sometimes I didn't even know what I wanted. It's like you want to talk about it, but you also sometimes don't want to cry anymore.

Some things that I still remember receiving during our time of loss were the people who brought us meals. One friend just brought us a bunch of household supplies which was great (toilet paper, cleaners, kleenex, etc.) I'm not sure how close you are with your friend, but coming over and just saying "I'm going to do a load of laundry or dishes" was great too. She'll tell you if she doesn't want you to do those things, but even if you make an offer I guarantee she won't ask.

If you'd like to get her a gift I think one of my favorites was a tree. Three family friends went in together to get Faith a tree at my grandfather's park (through the park district). It's right near a playground and now that we have a 6 month old it's really special to be able to take him to his sister and great grandfather's park to play. I think that was a great memorial. (I have pictures of it here: http://hackbarth.smugmug.com/gallery/701893#30593996)

Lastly I found it really helpful to talk to other women who had been through what I'd been through. I don't know why women have to lose their babies, but I do know that God has a plan for everything. ("For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11). And I know that part of God's plan for me is to be a resource for other women who are suffering through loss. So if your friend would like someone to talk to please feel free to pass on my information to her. My email address is ____@____.com you'd like my phone number please email me.

God bless you E.! I'll be praying for you and your friend in this time.

L.

These are excellent responses so far - I had a stillborn girl 8 years ago and have to say how important it is for you to treat this loss just as you would treat any death of a child in a friend's family. Attend the services, bring over food or send a plant, remember your friend later on checking in on her. Remember the anniversary of her loss - it is also her child's birthday and check in on her at the year mark. Resist any urges to tell her that this is common, not to worry, she'll have other children, that everything happens for a reason, etc.

I would say don't let her be alone. Offer to bring lunch or even drop it off and stay for 20-30 minutes. Your could drop off a nice bubble bath and have a short visit. Attend whatever services they might do and don't forget later on. It's a real loss.

Just being there will help. Go to check on her, see what she needs. What she needs the most is a friend to sit there and listen. Just make sure you're there. She won't remember 15 years down the road who all came, but she will remember who didn't.

Parent who lost a child to SIDS @ 4 months